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Free Joe Biden
I was working in my backyard workshop converting some of my wife’s old thongs into anti-C-19 face masks, when the door burst open.
I reached for my Clorox and vinegar spray gun and began to hose down the balaclava-and-glove-clad intruder.
“It’s me,” the burglar exclaimed through the mask’s tiny mouth hole, “E!”
I held my fire when I realized the excited interloper might actually be my longtime lawyer and friend E. Hobart Calhoun, whom I had not seen since he and I visited San Francisco’s Chinatown on February 24 after being invited by Nancy Lugosi, Bela’s older sister.
“Back out slowly,” I said to the alleged E., pointing my spray gun. “Take a position outside at least 20 feet from my shop door, then remove the mask.”
“Come on, man,” E. said after baring his face. “We got to do something to help this old guy being held hostage in a cellar.”
E. reached in his pocket slowly. I wasn’t sure of E.’s mental state, so I kept my sprayer on him. He removed his phone and held it out for me.
“Put it on the ground and back away slowly,” I said.
When he was at a safe distance, I knelt beside his phone and started the video by touching the screen arrow with a fake rubber finger I keep in my pocket since the ChinaVirus invasion for just such emergencies.
“That’s Joe Biden,” I said after watching. “Making a speech from his basement.”
“The former V.P.? It can’t be. This guy looks like he’s a hundred.”
“It’s old Joe,” I said. “He’s only 77.”
“But the skin on his face is almost transparent.”
“It’s been stretched by plastic surgeons.”
“His hair looks like a halo of cotton candy,” E. said.
“His plugs are aging out,” I said and backed away from E.’s phone.
“It looks like he’s trapped in a vise or something,” E. said, fighting back tears. “He doesn’t move.”
“That’s the El Cid body cage the DNC puts him in to prevent toppling over.”
“That’s cruel,” E. said. “And if you listen to what he says, it makes no sense.”
“His advisers and the DNC are encouraging him to end every sentence with ‘you know the thing’ as a catchall to give the impression old Joe is aware of what he’s saying and thinks the audience knows, too.”
“That’s not a bad campaign slogan,” E. said. “I can see it on a poster: “Joe Biden—You Know the Thing.”
“DNC confines Joe to his cellar,” I said, “so he doesn’t have to take questions or face the media like Big D. does every day.”
“Those media questions for Big D. are so accusatory and hostile,” E. said, “I think it’s a good strategy for the DNC to confine Joe to his basement, but it’s cruel that he doesn’t get to smell young women’s hair down there.”
“There’s a plug-in-odor thing for that now,” I said. “It simulates the nubile hair smell.”
“Still,” E said, “I don’t know how he’ll get his message out.”
“He doesn’t have to,” I said, “because he doesn’t have one.”
“Oh,” E. said, “I get it now.”
“Besides,” I added, “you know the thing.”
Published in Humor
Now THERE’S a sentence that could be misunderstood.🤔
Come on man!
Especially in light of the first sentence.
I’m sure everyone appreciates the clarification. Now you just have to clarify what you mean by “ basement.”😜
The thing, um you know, down there.
You missed a comma.
That is hilarious, Michael.
I think we should all lay off the Handsy , Demented Crook/Traitor Joe Biden until he gets the nomination. Too much criticism now may somehow derail him from getting the nomination which I believe the Deep State feverishly wants with an old switcheroo move at the Convention to someone not quite so senile. Once he has the nomination, then we can hit with both barrels which should be incredibly easy because he probably will be the worst nominee of any major party ever, vulnerable to all sorts of eminently truthful attacks that he is a rapist, crook, tratior and of course thoroughly demented.
Very clever, Michael!
Where can I get my hands on a fake rubber finger?
Well, I’m certainly not going to PAY for Joe Biden.
Since at least 1970.
Or maybe wait until it’s too close before the general election, for them to switch. Just after the nomination, might not be good enough.
There is a gif out there, where this kid stutters around the words, “did you ever have a dream…” Meanwhile a mom is pouring a never ending glass of wine, as the kid wanders around words, searching for a coherent thought. The gif caption is “me as a parent.”
I cannot find the clip off of Facebook, but
Here is the kid,
I share all that to beg someone with video skills to make a gif of one or more Joe Biden stuttering sequences, with someone pouring a never end glass of wine or spirits, with the caption, “me as a voter.”
Because every time Biden speaks these days, I find myself shaking my head while he wanders incoherently among a world of words.
Great post.
However, I’m becoming more concerned about Jill Biden than her husband. In their last “broadcast from the basement”, as Joe went into his usual stuttering, meandering dialogue, Jill’s expression never changed. Her smile was slightly disconcerting; it was a bit like the flight attendant in Airplane!, “By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”
I wish people on the right would stop belittling Joe Biden for the things that are coming out of his mouth. He makes more sense right now than anything the other Democrats are saying.
And I agree, we do need to open the thing… now!
I don’t hold any animus against Old Joe. I watched his speech on the tenth anniversary of the Flight 93 downing in Shanksville, PA on 9/10/2011. I think this may rank as Biden’s finest hour.
I want to scoff at this, but I can’t dispute your argument, Ray.
Problem is, that’s just not saying much.
I’m not surprised that his finest hour was 20 years ago. Is anyone else?
Memories
Like the Corners of my mind
Misty Watercolored
Memories
Of the way we were….