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I’m here to report that in my little collective enclave in California, some of my fellow comrades have dared to violate our leaders’ mandates and can be seen walking outside breathing in air that they believe to be fresh and uncontaminated and seemingly enjoying the warmth of the sun. How dare they! And why children don’t report their parents to the authorities is beyond me. There must be more incentives to make children more obedient to the state. Perhaps snappy little uniforms with armbands and medals bestowed upon them by mayors or our governor himself. Just a suggestion.
Now, I have noticed such enemies of the state when I make my very infrequent trips in my routinely disinfected, hermetically-sealed, hybrid automobile to the pharmacy or to my local grocery store — because relying on Amazon or other delivery services to deliver eggs or bananas is a sketchy proposition at best. When I am forced, in these instances, to break quarantine, I take all the necessary precautions by wearing my homemade plastic garbage-bag and duct-taped hazmat suit with matching Zip-Lock bag booties and snorkel mask. As an added precaution, I duct-tape my mouth as well.
I have found that when wearing my custom COVID-19 protective gear it is better to use sign language and gestures rather than trying to convey greetings and well-wishes through muffled, indecipherable speech. I do have to admit that I once bumped into supermarket shelf when my mask fogged up and knocked over four cans of Dinty Moore Chicken & Dumplings that an alert store clerk instructed me to leave on the floor so as to minimize any potential contamination even though he could see that I am conscientious pandemic shopper. I nodded my compliance and moved along.
On at least twenty-three occasions in the last week, as I drove my vehicle toward my local grocery store to pick up some critically essential items – like the time that I had to break quarantine to purchase raisins to make oatmeal-raisin cookies — I have noticed individuals and couples and, wait for it, entire families with their respective dogs just walking along a sidewalk! None of them wearing masks or protective gear – not even the dogs! I once attempted to call the police using my car’s phone option on the small display on my dashboard while wearing my thick, rubber hazmat gloves but called the wrong number and my pharmacist asked if I was having a seizure because I forgot that I had duct-taped my mouth. I panicked and quickly hung up, hoping she wouldn’t call 9-1-1 for an ambulance.
What’s particularly disturbing about these reckless violators is that they actually looked happy because they were smiling and sometimes laughing! Oh, the utter callousness! Hopefully, martial law will be declared soon to stop these dangerous violations and these dissidents can be imprisoned and removed from our city streets since many prison cells now seem to be available.Published in