Countries That Shouldn’t Exist

 

Nationalism is in the air these days. (That and the surely virus-infected spittle of the unmasked woman clearly standing over the yellow line behind me at the supermarket yesterday, but I’m not one to worry.) I’m not here to contribute to the extensive debate on whether that’s a good or bad thing. I only mean to suggest that it may have given some the erroneous impression that not only may borders be a good thing per se, but that the current ones are necessarily as well-drawn as they could be; in other words that we somehow landed on a good batch of countries, when some clearly aren’t worth the effort of keeping around anymore. I offer this not as an exhaustive list but only a few preliminary nominations.

5.) Greece: This country is a lie. I have no problem with the Greeks except that they’re not Greeks. Mainland Greece was largely depopulated in the early Middle Ages, its unbroken connection to the classical civilization like so many national myths an invention of 19th century romantic folderol, and repopulated by Greek-speaking Romans from Anatolia and the capital. The modern Greeks are not Hellenes as they call themselves but Romanoi. And none of this phony getting along with the Turks either. No one’s buying it. Rename the country the Eastern Roman Empire and get busy retaking Constantinople. Rest not until mass is heard once again under the domes of the Hagia Sophia.

4.) Ireland: I’m sorry Michael Brendan Dougherty but this is a preposterous country. Celtic language and culture, which I believe amounted to a few rocks piled atop a clump of moss, were eradicated and replaced by a variant of English culture. Cry into our Guinnesses about it we may, but it’s true and it means that modern Ireland is little more than an angsty British teenager run away from home. Even Irish Catholicism which once offered a moral rationale for independence has given way to vapid secularism, something that should make the emerald isle more than at home in today’s UK, which it should grow up and rejoin.

3.) Thailand: This country was the only kingdom in Asia not to fall under the sway of European imperial powers. Today it is a tourist destination for those who wish to engage in deviant sexual practices not tolerated by modern western society. Surprisingly that turns out to be a positive, non-fractional number of deviant sexual practices. Also, the Thai King just went into isolation with his harem, because he has a harem and can do that. That colonial bucket list and its last unchecked box are surely waiting under a dusty pith helmet somewhere.

2.) Cuba: It’s been recognized since the early republic that Cuba is a natural American possession. More than that, it should be a subject of national shame that we’ve allowed a totalitarian Communist state to exist off the coast of Florida for so long after the Cold War. Say what you will about NATO and the EU but the most successful post-communist societies are found in the Baltic states who quickly integrated into a larger geopolitical entity. The truth is that the wounds left by decades of forced collectivism don’t heal by themselves. Those who’ve gone it alone have largely either backslid or foundered on the rocks of pent-up ethnic tensions. When the Castros fall, leave things to us; we’ll know who to hang.

1.) Canada: This perfidious maple empire has really no reason to exist other than priggish anti-Americanism. There is no Canadian idea or Canadian national mission. With the rigorous application of rulers to knuckles those “ay”s and “aboot”s could be excised from the dialect as well, leaving a reasonable approximation of American English. The Quebecois should go their own way while the English speaking provinces break up, leaving them free to apply for statehood in the order that they get over themselves. Good riddance to bad poutine.

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  1. TBA Coolidge
    TBA
    @RobtGilsdorf

    Henry Castaigne (View Comment):

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai…: Also the Thai King just went into isolation with his harem, because he has a harem and can do that.

    Well the last Thai King was a gajillion times better than all the Thai politicians combined so the new King have his Harem.

    It keeps him off the streets. 

    • #31
  2. Henry Castaigne Member
    Henry Castaigne
    @HenryCastaigne

    She (View Comment):
    A country which defames and diminishes its sons as unworthy, at the same time as it sells its daughters to Elderly Western Gentlemen with fat wallets in a high-class and thinly disguised prostitution scheme which redounds to the material benefit of their elders who accrue “merit” (and money) in the Buddhist reincarnation scheme, is a country with real problems.

    Eh. Prostitution may not be the worst job in the world. Even if you have to have sex with a someone you aren’t super into. You are still having sex. Gotta beat ditch-digging in my reckoning.

    • #32
  3. She Member
    She
    @She

    Henry Castaigne (View Comment):

    She (View Comment):
    A country which defames and diminishes its sons as unworthy, at the same time as it sells its daughters to Elderly Western Gentlemen with fat wallets in a high-class and thinly disguised prostitution scheme which redounds to the material benefit of their elders who accrue “merit” (and money) in the Buddhist reincarnation scheme, is a country with real problems.

    Eh. Prostitution may not be the worst job in the world. Even if you have to have sex with a someone you aren’t super into. You are still having sex. Gotta beat ditch-digging in my reckoning.

    Not exactly my point, and I’m not sure ditch digging is usually the alternative for most of these women, but whatever floats your boat as it were. 

    • #33
  4. Joseph Eagar Member
    Joseph Eagar
    @JosephEagar

    Henry Castaigne (View Comment):

    She (View Comment):
    A country which defames and diminishes its sons as unworthy, at the same time as it sells its daughters to Elderly Western Gentlemen with fat wallets in a high-class and thinly disguised prostitution scheme which redounds to the material benefit of their elders who accrue “merit” (and money) in the Buddhist reincarnation scheme, is a country with real problems.

    Eh. Prostitution may not be the worst job in the world. Even if you have to have sex with a someone you aren’t super into. You are still having sex. Gotta beat ditch-digging in my reckoning.

    I’d rather be a ditch digger.

    • #34
  5. Bill Nelson Inactive
    Bill Nelson
    @BillNelson

    Stina (View Comment):

    This is why it’s not our job to say if another nation should exist or not :p

    I’ll take that position. I already have a list of countries, people, and music genres. And I work cheap.

    • #35
  6. Stina Inactive
    Stina
    @CM

    Jimmy Carter (View Comment):

    At the very least Uruguay should change Their name to Wearewoke.

    Well, yeah… U R Gay is definitely a microaggression as it implies insult with something that should not be insulting.

    • #36
  7. SkipSul Inactive
    SkipSul
    @skipsul

    She (View Comment):

    Henry Castaigne (View Comment):

    She (View Comment):
    A country which defames and diminishes its sons as unworthy, at the same time as it sells its daughters to Elderly Western Gentlemen with fat wallets in a high-class and thinly disguised prostitution scheme which redounds to the material benefit of their elders who accrue “merit” (and money) in the Buddhist reincarnation scheme, is a country with real problems.

    Eh. Prostitution may not be the worst job in the world. Even if you have to have sex with a someone you aren’t super into. You are still having sex. Gotta beat ditch-digging in my reckoning.

    Not exactly my point, and I’m not sure ditch digging is usually the alternative for most of these women, but whatever floats your boat as it were.

    If he filled his ditches with water, then he would be able to float his boat, assuming his ditches are big, which would require a lot of…

    you know what, I’m going to stop there before I start rhyming things I shouldn’t.

    • #37
  8. FredGoodhue Coolidge
    FredGoodhue
    @FredGoodhue

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai… (View Comment):

    FredGoodhue (View Comment):

    Canadians are mostly left wingers. If we took them in, that would sway Congress way into the Democrat direction.

    A problem, but not an intractable one! To start with we’re excluding the French Canadians which alters the math significantly. Secondly, if we let the rural provinces in one by one while making the left leaning areas into one or two big states, that protects the senate at least. The rest we solve through gerrymandering and internal migration.

    The trend is the other way around internal migration is already making the country more Democrat.

    • #38
  9. Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai… Inactive
    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai…
    @Gaius

    FredGoodhue (View Comment):

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai… (View Comment):

    FredGoodhue (View Comment):

    Canadians are mostly left wingers. If we took them in, that would sway Congress way into the Democrat direction.

    A problem, but not an intractable one! To start with we’re excluding the French Canadians which alters the math significantly. Secondly, if we let the rural provinces in one by one while making the left leaning areas into one or two big states, that protects the senate at least. The rest we solve through gerrymandering and internal migration.

    The trend is the other way around internal migration is already making the country more Democrat.

    There’s no iron law that it has to work in favor of the left. There’s a reason Ted Cruz was born in Canada. We could hope that the great north’s natural resources would be conducive to texification. 

    • #39
  10. Charlotte Member
    Charlotte
    @Charlotte

    But poutine is delicious.

    • #40
  11. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    You might want to get together with Vladimir Vladimirovich and compare notes. He thinks Ukraine isn’t a real country. And he is not just talking about it.

    • #41
  12. GLDIII Temporarily Essential Reagan
    GLDIII Temporarily Essential
    @GLDIII

    Was this post a day late?

    • #42
  13. Locke On Member
    Locke On
    @LockeOn

    GLDIII Temporarily Essential (View Comment):

    Was this post a day late?

    Just a dollar short.

    • #43
  14. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    For some reason the first word that came to mind when I read this post was: Drink!

    • #44
  15. Joseph Eagar Member
    Joseph Eagar
    @JosephEagar

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    You might want to get together with Vladimir Vladimirovich and compare notes. He thinks Ukraine isn’t a real country. And he is not just talking about it.

    Ukraine is. . .weird.  It’s amazing it still exists.

    • #45
  16. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    It doesn’t matter if the Greeks are Greeks. They think they are.

    Canada is a bigger problem. There is no national ethos whatsoever besides being generally apologetic.

    • #46
  17. Randy Webster Inactive
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    E. Kent Golding (View Comment):

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai… (View Comment):

    FredGoodhue (View Comment):

    Canadians are mostly left wingers. If we took them in, that would sway Congress way into the Democrat direction.

    A problem, but not an intractable one! To start with we’re excluding the French Canadians which alters the math significantly. Secondly, if we let the rural provinces in one by one while making the left leaning areas into one or two big states, that protects the senate at least. The rest we solve through gerrymandering and internal migration.

    Let in the rural provinces, make the left leaning provinces part of Greenland. Or make them territories like Puerto Rico.

    I thought we were buying Greenland.

    • #47
  18. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    E. Kent Golding (View Comment):

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai… (View Comment):

    FredGoodhue (View Comment):

    Canadians are mostly left wingers. If we took them in, that would sway Congress way into the Democrat direction.

    A problem, but not an intractable one! To start with we’re excluding the French Canadians which alters the math significantly. Secondly, if we let the rural provinces in one by one while making the left leaning areas into one or two big states, that protects the senate at least. The rest we solve through gerrymandering and internal migration.

    Let in the rural provinces, make the left leaning provinces part of Greenland. Or make them territories like Puerto Rico.

    I thought we were buying Greenland.

    We were in the market, but they weren’t selling. The fools.

    • #48
  19. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member
    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw
    @MattBalzer

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    E. Kent Golding (View Comment):

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai… (View Comment):

    FredGoodhue (View Comment):

    Canadians are mostly left wingers. If we took them in, that would sway Congress way into the Democrat direction.

    A problem, but not an intractable one! To start with we’re excluding the French Canadians which alters the math significantly. Secondly, if we let the rural provinces in one by one while making the left leaning areas into one or two big states, that protects the senate at least. The rest we solve through gerrymandering and internal migration.

    Let in the rural provinces, make the left leaning provinces part of Greenland. Or make them territories like Puerto Rico.

    I thought we were buying Greenland.

    And then we take Canada, and get five extra armies a turn.

    • #49
  20. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Joseph Eagar (View Comment):

    You really want Canada to join the U.S.? I want the Northeast to join Canada. A lot of lives would be saved if the U.S. simply chopped off the Northeastern states and handed them to Canada, GDP be damned.

    Our flag is better. And Eddie Izzard has well noted the importance of flags when it comes to defining nations.

    Uh, shouldn’t he be doing that in Thailand?

    • #50
  21. Keith SF Inactive
    Keith SF
    @KeithSF

    Jimmy Carter (View Comment):

    At the very least Uruguay should change Their name to Wearewoke.

    Uruguay was created as an administrative buffer zone between hostile Spanish and Portuguese territories. 500 years later, Argentina & Brazil seem to be reasonably good neighbors. Perhaps they could just arrange joint custody of the place.

     

     

     

    • #51
  22. RufusRJones Member
    RufusRJones
    @RufusRJones

    Dennis A. Garcia (formerly Gai…: 2.) Cuba: It’s been recognized since the early republic that Cuba is a natural American possession. More than that, it should be a subject of national shame that we’ve allowed a totalitarian Communist state to exist off the coast of Florida for so long after the Cold War. Say what you will about NATO and the EU but the most successful post-communist societies are found in the Baltic states who quickly integrated into a larger geopolitical entity. The truth is that the wounds left by decades of forced collectivism don’t heal by themselves. Those who’ve gone it alone have largely either backslid or foundered on the rocks of pent-up ethnic tensions. When the Castros fall, leave things to us; we’ll know who to hang.

    I completely agree with this. It’s so unfortunate that we don’t have a more normal country right there. Decades of human and financial capital rot, right under our nose. You can think of very few countries that are worse, and this one is right under our nose. Think of all of the Democrat congressman that have  gone there and pronounced “What’s the big deal?” 

    What could we have done about it? The regime prior to Castro was pretty bad. What can we do now?

    I have a question. Where would you want to live in the Caribbean besides the Cayman Islands? I don’t know that much about it. Most of those places seem pretty corrupt or poor.

    • #52
  23. OccupantCDN Coolidge
    OccupantCDN
    @OccupantCDN

    iWe (View Comment):

    It doesn’t matter if the Greeks are Greeks. They think they are.

    Canada is a bigger problem. There is no national ethos whatsoever besides being generally apologetic.

    So you have found common ground with Justine Trudeau.Congrats, its a short field.

    Canada does have a ethos, besides anti-Americanism (or rather, as well as) without Canada where would the loyalists have gone? Mexico? Please.

    Canada does have an ethos, of truth, justice, fairness as well as hard work, ingenuity and self-reliance. These are the ethics of hard working construction workers, farmers, ranchers, oilmen, miners and even lumberjacks… These are the ethics of people Justine Trudeau doesn’t like very much – and so these ethics must be wrong. 

    Canada built a rail road in the 1880’s but it turned out that a rail road built Canada. Small towns across the country popped up around the rails today even major cities like Calgary, have rail roads running right through the middle of town. One of my first places I lived in Calgary, was a CN crew house built in the 1880s – a very small 2 bedroom house, with low ceilings. The back kitchen door’s top sill was slightly above eye level. 

     

     

     

    • #53
  24. Dave of Barsham Member
    Dave of Barsham
    @LesserSonofBarsham

    Henry Castaigne (View Comment):

    She (View Comment):
    A country which defames and diminishes its sons as unworthy, at the same time as it sells its daughters to Elderly Western Gentlemen with fat wallets in a high-class and thinly disguised prostitution scheme which redounds to the material benefit of their elders who accrue “merit” (and money) in the Buddhist reincarnation scheme, is a country with real problems.

    Eh. Prostitution may not be the worst job in the world. Even if you have to have sex with a someone you aren’t super into. You are still having sex. Gotta beat ditch-digging in my reckoning.

    I dunno, I did a fair amount of ditch digging as a teen, you still kinda feel screwed.

    • #54
  25. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    OccupantCDN (View Comment):
    Canada built a rail road in the 1880’s but it turned out that a rail road built Canada. Small towns across the country popped up around the rails today even major cities like Calgary, have rail roads running right through the middle of town. One of my first places I lived in Calgary, was a CN crew house built in the 1880s – a very small 2 bedroom house, with low ceilings. The back kitchen door’s top sill was slightly above eye level.

    Canada didn’t have a wall to keep foreigners out, so a great-grandfather of mine crossed the border to work on that railroad in the 1880s, before he returned home to Minnesota and got married. Maybe he was doing some of the jobs that the Canadians wouldn’t do. The story he came back with involved Canadian health care. He got a splinter in his arm, which got infected. He had to walk to the hospital/clinic car, miles back from the worksite on the leading edge of construction. The doctor wanted to amputate, but he wouldn’t allow it, saying, “If the arm goes, I go.”  He also reported waking up in the hospital car and observing the doctor pilfering watches and other contents of sick or injured patients who were asleep.

    Nobody in the family has ever thought to see if there are payroll records in the archives that list employees, so that we could check out some of this story. Probably there aren’t such lists for common laborers.

    His youngest brother later went to Canada, too. Actually, his oldest son (my grandfather) did too, briefly attempting a homestead on the Saskatchewan prairie along with his uncle. But they didn’t stick it out. The youngest brother/uncle later went back to the region and was killed in the big hotel explosion at Macoun in 1914, where he was the bartender. A few years ago I offered a photo of the young brother to a guy who has a web site devoted to the explosion, but last I looked he still hadn’t got around to adding it to his online collection.

    If Canada doesn’t close the border to imperialist Yankees, I’d like to ride my bicycle to Macoun to see the area. Maybe this would be the year to do it, as the prairie country has built-in social distancing.

    • #55
  26. OccupantCDN Coolidge
    OccupantCDN
    @OccupantCDN

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    Canada didn’t have a wall to keep foreigners out, so a great-grandfather of mine crossed the border to work on that railroad in the 1880s, before he returned home to Minnesota and got married. Maybe he was doing some of the jobs that the Canadians wouldn’t do. The story he came back with involved Canadian health care. He got a splinter in his arm, which got infected. He had to walk to the hospital/clinic car, miles back from the worksite on the leading edge of construction. The doctor wanted to amputate, but he wouldn’t allow it, saying, “If the arm goes, I go.” He also reported waking up in the hospital car and observing the doctor pilfering watches and other contents of sick or injured patients who were asleep.

    Nobody in the family has ever thought to see if there are payroll records in the archives that list employees, so that we could check out some of this story. Probably there aren’t such lists for common laborers.

    His youngest brother later went to Canada, too. Actually, his oldest son (my grandfather) did too, briefly attempting a homestead on the Saskatchewan along with his uncle. But they didn’t stick it out. The youngest brother/uncle later went back to the region and was killed in the big hotel explosion at Macoun in 1914, where he was the bartender. A few years ago I offered a photo of the young brother to a guy who has a web site devoted to the explosion, but last I looked he still hadn’t got around to adding it to his online collection.

    If Canada doesn’t close the border to imperialist Yankees, I’d like to ride my bicycle to Macoun to see the area. Maybe this would be the year to do it, as the prairie country has built-in social distancing.

    Canada’s healthcare system didnt get started until the 1930’s – prior to that, Canada’s system was the same as US. (ie Cash & Carry)

    Payroll records where really much slimmer prior to the 1960s – there where no payroll taxes, and most people where paid out in cash – most people in the working class didnt even have bank accounts. Social Insurance Numbers (our version of a social security number) didnt even exist until 1964.

    Without payroll taxes and welfare benefits people are much freer – its got to the point, that its difficult to work in between provinces let alone across national boundaries.

    • #56
  27. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    OccupantCDN (View Comment):

    iWe (View Comment):

    It doesn’t matter if the Greeks are Greeks. They think they are.

    Canada is a bigger problem. There is no national ethos whatsoever besides being generally apologetic.

    So you have found common ground with Justine Trudeau.Congrats, its a short field.

    Canada does have a ethos, besides anti-Americanism (or rather, as well as) without Canada where would the loyalists have gone? Mexico? Please.

    Canada does have an ethos, of truth, justice, fairness as well as hard work, ingenuity and self-reliance. These are the ethics of hard working construction workers, farmers, ranchers, oilmen, miners and even lumberjacks… These are the ethics of people Justine Trudeau doesn’t like very much – and so these ethics must be wrong.

    Canada built a rail road in the 1880’s but it turned out that a rail road built Canada. Small towns across the country popped up around the rails today even major cities like Calgary, have rail roads running right through the middle of town. One of my first places I lived in Calgary, was a CN crew house built in the 1880s – a very small 2 bedroom house, with low ceilings. The back kitchen door’s top sill was slightly above eye level.

    I used the subtitles on that first video and I still didn’t know what he was talking about! I mean, aboot.

    • #57
  28. Randy Webster Inactive
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    I used the subtitles on that first video and I still didn’t know what he was talking about! I mean, aboot.

    After I watched it, I noticed that there was a video in the suggested videos of the Essential Craftsman talking about the best work boots.  Related?

    • #58
  29. thelonious Member
    thelonious
    @thelonious

    James K. Polk didn’t go far enough. After we stopped kicking the crap out of Santa Anna in Mexico City, we should have marched all the way down to the tip of South America and annexed it all. We wouldn’t have had to create the country of Panama to build the Panama canal. It would also be easier to control the border with the narrower choke point.

    • #59
  30. OccupantCDN Coolidge
    OccupantCDN
    @OccupantCDN

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    I used the subtitles on that first video and I still didn’t know what he was talking about! I mean, aboot.

    After I watched it, I noticed that there was a video in the suggested videos of the Essential Craftsman talking about the best work boots. Related?

    No, thats about you. The only Craftsman product I know, used to be a Sears thing. If a Canadian where talking work boots, the only store mentioned would be “Mark’s Work Warehouse” all others are irrelevant.

    • #60
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