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Countries That Shouldn’t Exist
Nationalism is in the air these days. (That and the surely virus-infected spittle of the unmasked woman clearly standing over the yellow line behind me at the supermarket yesterday, but I’m not one to worry.) I’m not here to contribute to the extensive debate on whether that’s a good or bad thing. I only mean to suggest that it may have given some the erroneous impression that not only may borders be a good thing per se, but that the current ones are necessarily as well-drawn as they could be; in other words that we somehow landed on a good batch of countries, when some clearly aren’t worth the effort of keeping around anymore. I offer this not as an exhaustive list but only a few preliminary nominations.
5.) Greece: This country is a lie. I have no problem with the Greeks except that they’re not Greeks. Mainland Greece was largely depopulated in the early Middle Ages, its unbroken connection to the classical civilization like so many national myths an invention of 19th century romantic folderol, and repopulated by Greek-speaking Romans from Anatolia and the capital. The modern Greeks are not Hellenes as they call themselves but Romanoi. And none of this phony getting along with the Turks either. No one’s buying it. Rename the country the Eastern Roman Empire and get busy retaking Constantinople. Rest not until mass is heard once again under the domes of the Hagia Sophia.
4.) Ireland: I’m sorry Michael Brendan Dougherty but this is a preposterous country. Celtic language and culture, which I believe amounted to a few rocks piled atop a clump of moss, were eradicated and replaced by a variant of English culture. Cry into our Guinnesses about it we may, but it’s true and it means that modern Ireland is little more than an angsty British teenager run away from home. Even Irish Catholicism which once offered a moral rationale for independence has given way to vapid secularism, something that should make the emerald isle more than at home in today’s UK, which it should grow up and rejoin.
3.) Thailand: This country was the only kingdom in Asia not to fall under the sway of European imperial powers. Today it is a tourist destination for those who wish to engage in deviant sexual practices not tolerated by modern western society. Surprisingly that turns out to be a positive, non-fractional number of deviant sexual practices. Also, the Thai King just went into isolation with his harem, because he has a harem and can do that. That colonial bucket list and its last unchecked box are surely waiting under a dusty pith helmet somewhere.
2.) Cuba: It’s been recognized since the early republic that Cuba is a natural American possession. More than that, it should be a subject of national shame that we’ve allowed a totalitarian Communist state to exist off the coast of Florida for so long after the Cold War. Say what you will about NATO and the EU but the most successful post-communist societies are found in the Baltic states who quickly integrated into a larger geopolitical entity. The truth is that the wounds left by decades of forced collectivism don’t heal by themselves. Those who’ve gone it alone have largely either backslid or foundered on the rocks of pent-up ethnic tensions. When the Castros fall, leave things to us; we’ll know who to hang.
1.) Canada: This perfidious maple empire has really no reason to exist other than priggish anti-Americanism. There is no Canadian idea or Canadian national mission. With the rigorous application of rulers to knuckles those “ay”s and “aboot”s could be excised from the dialect as well, leaving a reasonable approximation of American English. The Quebecois should go their own way while the English speaking provinces break up, leaving them free to apply for statehood in the order that they get over themselves. Good riddance to bad poutine.
Published in General
The Facebook thingy going around right now requires a minimum of 10 unpopular opinions, why did you stop with five?
This is why it’s not our job to say if another nation should exist or not :p
If Facebook were a country it would be a country that shouldn’t exist.
No, the reason it’s not our job is that we’re happy to do it for free.
Peace, order and good government.
So there.
Canadians are mostly left wingers. If we took them in, that would sway Congress way into the Democrat direction.
Why be concerned with countries that shouldn’t exist when we should be thinking about countries that don’t exist, like Finland.
Liechtenstein and Luxembourg. (Oh how I hate them.)
Also Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, those Post-Soviet and Yugoslav States, the aftermath of the Ottomans and the Hapsburg Empires, and above all…
A problem, but not an intractable one! To start with we’re excluding the French Canadians which alters the math significantly. Secondly, if we let the rural provinces in one by one while making the left leaning areas into one or two big states, that protects the senate at least. The rest we solve through gerrymandering and internal migration.
I’m not sure France really exists, to be honest. It’s sort of the elevated rump of western Europe, best defined as “Not Spain”, “Not Germany”, and “Not Roman” either. It’s just there, a sort of dairy-obsessed dumping ground for people who slur their words and mispronounce letters, confusing vowels and consonants with wild abandon.
Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan.
Certainly we could do without a couple of these. Does anyone even know how to pronounce Kyrgyzstan without putting marbles in your mouth?
Let in the rural provinces, make the left leaning provinces part of Greenland. Or make them territories like Puerto Rico.
yes, but it involves self-dentistry.
Or like Greenland
Yep, Thailand is a special place. Not only that, but it remained relatively free in a nest of Communist countries.
Lots of things to see and do there besides this dark side. It’s a great place for tourists.
We can make you Governor General. The best colonialists always had a great understanding and appreciation of the native culture, while being willing to draw clear moral lines based on western values, as with the widow burnings in India.
Well the last Thai King was a gajillion times better than all the Thai politicians combined so the new King have his Harem.
Oh, bravo. Particularly for #3.
Yes, like many who’ve expressed an opinion here, I’m a fan of Thailand (which I’ve visited) in a historical sense. And it is a breathtakingly beautiful country with a fabulous culture. I won’t forget my time there, and I won’t forget my friends there.
But.
A country which defames and diminishes its sons as unworthy, at the same time as it sells its daughters to Elderly Western Gentlemen with fat wallets in a high-class and thinly disguised prostitution scheme which redounds to the material benefit of their elders who accrue “merit” (and money) in the Buddhist reincarnation scheme, is a country with real problems.
I could say more. But I won’t.
I see that many people have too much time on their hands these days.
But it is very entertaining, and I thank you all for the day-brightener.
At the very least Uruguay should change Their name to Wearewoke.
Being surprised the number’s nonzero is one thing. But what is a fractional number of deviant sexual practices?
Do we even want to know?…
If someone is okay with threesomes but not foursomes are they 3/4 approving of foursomes?
And I suppose you could tolerate the involvement of different participants to varying degrees. That would neatly square the empowering/exploitative tradeoff that causes so much handwringing within feminist circles.
Just don’t mention the irrational decimals…
You’ve moved from fractioning to squaring now? Next thing we’ll be getting into the trigonometry and differentials of deviancy. At least that should separate the men from the…. uh… um….
well, a picture’s worth a thousand words, but silence is worth rather more….
You really want Canada to join the U.S.? I want the Northeast to join Canada. A lot of lives would be saved if the U.S. simply chopped off the Northeastern states and handed them to Canada, GDP be damned.
Our flag is better. And Eddie Izzard has well noted the importance of flags when it comes to defining nations.