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Finding Something Positive in the Pandemic
Not everything associated with the COVID-19 panic is bad. In fact, some aspects of our reaction to this virus are excellent and a long time in coming.
The Sign of the Peace suspended: When the Catholic Church adopted its Vatican II changes to make the Sunday Mass more friendly and inclusive, they introduced the entire Christian world to the “sign of the peace.” Wannabe protestant sects like the Methodists and Congregationalists followed suit and soon nearly every church, Episcopals, Lutherans, Presbyterians, and even some Baptists, had set aside a few minutes during each Sunday service so people could roam around the sanctuary seeking another’s hand to shake. In the more progressive churches, like the United Church of Christ or their cousins, the Unitarians, a handshake was often not enough. For them, the “Sign of the Peace” time soon devolved into an all-out, half-hour, hug-fest.
If this were not bad enough, (Do I dare mention this? Of course!) older, or shall we say, seasoned women, who demographically make up the majority of churchgoers, seem to have a problem with dry hands, among other age-related issues. To remedy this problem, they must continuously apply various lotions and cremes, all of which are reinforced with strong olfactory agents, essences of lavender and lilac mainly, but other similar odorants. As a man of a certain age who is not too terrible to look at, these women seek me out like vultures on carrion to pass on their greetings, thereby transferring their hand treatments and rendering my once clean and perfectly normal hands, into a conglomeration of cremes and smelling of the perfume counter at Macy’s. Once outside the church, I attract bees. I am no longer capable of opening a bottle of pickles or even, a screw-top container of say, San Pellegrino. (OK, I’ve never actually opened a bottle of San Pellegrino.) Only a generous Lava soap treatment, or maybe two, and a scrubbing worthy of a day of mechanic work, can remove this odiferous slime from my person.
I’m so done with the Sign of the Peace. I seek no conflict, but I hope that this confounded tradition is now gone forever. Think of what I’ll save on Lava Soap!
The Man Hug out of fashion: When I was a kid, public hugging was an activity that men, often reluctantly, could participate in only if a female was involved. Grandmothers required hugs, which were always OK. Mom might need a hug from time to time, which was also OK if no male friends were present. Hugging sisters was never OK past the age of two. And hugging other old, female relatives, while often mandatory, caused issues similar to the Sign of the Peace problem, exposing one to toilet water fumes mixed with the odors associated with the keeping of a once-weekly bathing schedule and with maintaining old lady hair in a color otherwise not found in nature and in a form equivalent to a modern football helmet (and equally resistant to bed head.)
Male-to-male hugging was only allowed among participants of sporting events, and even then, only within very specific parameters, for example, scoring a late, tie-breaking goal in hockey, catching a winning touchdown pass in football or winning a baseball (playoffs only) game with a walk-off home run. Hugging was never allowed in sports where skimpy uniforms were the norm: swimming, track, and for the most part, soccer. A soccer goal, despite what Europeans might believe, could never justify a man to man hug. A tie-breaking goal late in the second half of a World Cup title game might justify hugs, but there would be risk involved. If the hugging team lost the game, the hugs would be forfeit. Further, there could be no hugs in rugby or lacrosse.
Something happened, a wimpification, and hugs among men became common. I believe that this swept across the country like, well, a virus. Now men hug in greeting and after the most mundane accomplishment. They hug men and women alike with impunity. The acknowledging nod and the old standby, the firm handshake, have been supplanted as customary male greetings with a series of gestures of varying degrees of importance – the nod, the fist bump, the forearm bump, the slap or high five, the chest bump and finally, the hug. Sometimes these gestures are combined in a kind of dance. It is all very unnerving.
Alas, the COVID-19 pandemic threat has sent all this man hugging to the ash heap and it could not come sooner. I fear we were about to import the European man to man double air kiss. If that ever happens, I’m moving to Montana, the only state amazingly resistant to wimpification. New Hampshire used to be resistant, however as Vermont has proven, every state, even those inhabited largely by mountain men, is vulnerable. In the 1960s Vermont was a mountain man state. It’s since seen an infiltration of metrosexuals, which unfortunately has led to the mountain-sexual hybrid. Mountain-sexuals have spread to New Hampshire, Maine, Colorado, and even Wyoming. If you think you may have encountered a mountain-sexual, look for sparse beards, Subarus, and mountain bikes as secondary, confirming, evidence. If you spy one, move to the side of the road or trail and remain still, they will usually pass without incident.
So there you have it, COVID-19’s positive effects, suspension of the sign of the peace and the man-hug, proof one can find good anywhere, even in a pandemic. Let’s hope these changes stick.
Published in Humor
Amen, brother!
Man Hugs are appropriate where proper fraternal bonds are in place, and only with 1 arm and with a tasteful number of back slaps.
Much as my advice to children on tattoos.
The Bro hug (and now the covid 19 handshake) is the reason I’m always carrying something: two grocery bags, a typewriter, and a lawn chair.
”Whoa… hay… sorry, My hands are full.”
If
it might be worth the cost.
I never did understand how we went from shaking hands to hugging, and I’m pretty sure I don’t approve.
Anything that can justify my anti-social behavior can’t be all that bad
Other positive effects. Universities are doing home schooling. Mob leadership down, learning up maybe? How about demand for good teachers up dull tenured teachers who write papers nobody reads, down? Expanded undergraduates where teachers are good rather than overpaid high tuition schools, then maybe the latter will expand students. Habits are hard to break, bad ones even harder so maybe we’ll learn a few things. Of course some will try to tighten centralized controls for the nation, which is of course exactly the wrong thing to do, but even there, they’re overwhelmed but can pass along good advice, which is about all key central authorities are good for, the rest are staying home and their uselessness maybe being discovered?.
I hate public displays of affection. I do not even like hand shakes. Among men a direct look and a quick nod indicating you see them and do not have immediate harmful intentions is enough. Holding hand among married couples is acceptable in some situations.
I’ve always thought that holding hands was more intimate than kissing.
We don’t get men hugging men even around Houston. I don’t mind hugging ladies. It’s to the credit of country folk that women are eager to hug after only one casual meeting, treating neighbors like family.
Men in my family just shake hands with other men. Shaking hands during the sign of peace never bothered me. Around big cities, it breaks us out of the habit of ignoring the people right beside us, if only for a moment. It never lasted more than a couple minutes in my parish.
Today, we settled on simple nods and “Peace be with you.” Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi. Dona nobis pacem. If it’s in Latin, it ain’t no hippie peace.
On a related note, it infuriates me that Sunday Mass would ever be cancelled, as has apparently occurred in some areas.
The Apostles were martyred. The first Christians after them worshipped in catacombs under threat of execution.
Mass is conducted in wars. Poor people walk for miles just to receive the Eucharist from the back of a pickup truck, if that’s all the local parish can manage.
St Peter regretted even guarding his own physical safety by claiming not to know Jesus. Countless martyrs have since chosen to be tortured and executed rather than to deny loyalty in a lie.
There is never a reason to cancel Mass. Never.
But, but…the accumulation of hand creme residue, yuck, in which viruses and other vermin no doubt thrive!
Agreed.
These people are drunk in this new font of power. It’s a chance to get funding for their pet projects in apporpriation attachments. How did Trumps $2.5 billion request balloon to over $8 Billion? These people are elated. The more they hype the crisis, the worse it is for the incumbent and the better it is for them.
You can always use the old, “Sorry bud, I got some kind of fungus they ain’t identified yet…” excuse
And any such hug must be initiated only by the older or taller of the duo.
Also, I think a heart with “Mom” inside is OK.
Beat them at their own game. Don’t wash the dirt and grit from your hands.
Can’t. My dates already use it with Me.
Someone I know got an ultraviolet light for cell phones that supposedly kills germs in about 10 minutes. Maybe even dirt can be sterilized.
Let the stinky hand cream be a reminder to refrain from touching your face.
How about the head nod of peace
Additionally, we are to refrain from holding hands during the Lord’s Prayer (Yay!). That is, if we were having Masses. . . (Boo!)
My pastor is still having masses. Our archbishop offered dispensation of the obligation, but is not forbidding Mass itself. Pastor’s discretion.
Doug,
I’ve got to say I like your style.
Regards,
Jim
No Masses in Colorado at least until the end of the month by order of the bishops. It’s got to be a first when Catholics give up Mass for Lent!!
Nice.