Leveraging the Panic, Inc.

 

Fights, Thefts, Arguments as Toilet Paper Mania Wipes Across Globe

Society is seemingly melting down all around us, and there’s a run on toilet paper. Seriously.

Why? Has toilet paper production been cut? No. Are we running out of trees? Nope.

Coronavirus is largely a respiratory ailment. But that hasn’t stopped a collective freakout over the bare necessity of having clean bottoms.

I am here today to announce my new website & business venture. Leveraging the Panic, Inc.com is up and running. We have one huge warehouse in northern Minnesota in which we’ve stockpiled a huge quantity of toilet paper. You can never have enough toilet paper. Also, near Fort Knox, KY we have a smaller warehouse filled with gold bullion and shotgun shells. This does not require further explanation.

Our motto at Leveraging the Panic, Inc. is “STUPIDITY IS NOT A PROBLEM, STUPIDITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY”. We have made overtures to various well-known personalities to become our spokesperson. Although Tom Hanks has nothing to do for the next two weeks, for some reason he isn’t interested in the job. We’ll find somebody.

WARNING FOR THE STUPID: THIS POST IS A PARODY, THAT MEANS IT ISN’T REAL IT’S FOR COMIC EFFECT… NO, I DON’T WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER! GO AWAY!

Regards,

Jim

 

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  1. TBA Coolidge
    TBA
    @RobtGilsdorf

    Stad (View Comment):

    Can you imagine what it will be like when the aliens land?

    So they’re running out of toilet paper too?

    • #31
  2. TBA Coolidge
    TBA
    @RobtGilsdorf

    Slow on the uptake (View Comment):

    Before I read on: Four stores in my near vicinity have signs posted limiting the take on TP. At all four, the shelves were empty yesterday PM.

    And stores are also sold out of fake mustaches. Coincidence? 

    • #32
  3. EHerring Coolidge
    EHerring
    @EHerring

    Slow on the uptake (View Comment):

    I have observed that paper towels have also begun to be rationed.

    Dang. How will I drain my bacon?

    • #33
  4. E. Kent Golding Member
    E. Kent Golding
    @EKentGolding

    Hoyacon (View Comment):

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    Do people really not know why others might be stocking up on toilet paper? People who think they might be under quarantine and not be allowed out of their dwellings are buying up all the available supplies. The checker at Costco this afternoon told us that they had crowds lining up at the door when it opened in the morning and they bought all their stock very quickly.

    Not to be indelicate, but I think that the question is how much does a person need?

     

    Used to be,  Men like Joe Biden would tell other people that they were full of …..

    Now people are obviously self identifying as full of ….

    • #34
  5. Randy Webster Member
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    EHerring (View Comment):

    Slow on the uptake (View Comment):

    I have observed that paper towels have also begun to be rationed.

    Dang. How will I drain my bacon?

    Mom used newspaper.

    • #35
  6. Jon1979 Inactive
    Jon1979
    @Jon1979

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    Do people really not know why others might be stocking up on toilet paper? People who think they might be under quarantine and not be allowed out of their dwellings are buying up all the available supplies. The checker at Costco this afternoon told us that they had crowds lining up at the door when it opened in the morning and they bought all their stock very quickly.

     

    I picture a future episode of ‘Hoarders’ that show us people who’ve carved out narrow passagways through their homes, with canyon walls lined with seven-foot high stacks of toilet paper, clothing closets filled with toilet paper, garages filled with toilet paper, basements filled with toilet paper, refrigerators filled with toilet paper, toilet paper in the backyard tool shed, toilet paper buried under the front lawn of the house. But amid all that surplus, they’ve lost the roller for the bathroom TP holder….

    • #36
  7. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    Do people really not know why others might be stocking up on toilet paper? People who think they might be under quarantine and not be allowed out of their dwellings are buying up all the available supplies. The checker at Costco this afternoon told us that they had crowds lining up at the door when it opened in the morning and they bought all their stock very quickly.

     

    Of all the things you might hoard in a crisis, toilet paper makes the most sense.

         As long as it’s kept dry, it never goes bad no matter how old it gets.

         It will get used eventually.

    • #37
  8. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Hoyacon (View Comment):
    After they look around, I’m guessing that it will be a very short stay.

    Alien (returning to spaceship):  Dammit, they’re out of paper too!

    Update:  And again, someone beat me to the punch line!

    • #38
  9. Caryn Thatcher
    Caryn
    @Caryn

    Old Buckeye (View Comment):

    Randy Webster (View Comment):
    Why would they? It’s the free market in action. If his prices are too high, no one will buy. That he’s selling it means that someone is willing to pay his price; and why should Amazon deny them the opportunity to buy it?

    I meant my question as: if they were going to shut him down for this, why didn’t they shut him down when he was selling other stuff? I guess he tried to catch trends and buy up items that he thought were going to have high demand in the coming months and sell at a markup. I’m sure there are thousands of others who do that on Amazon, so why did they decide this particular thing-of-the-moment was worth shutting him down when others weren’t? I totally agree with you that he’s using free-market principles and that is what we do under capitalism; I’m just curious why Amazon decided this was a line he crossed.

    By the way, he ended up donating all that hand sanitizer.

     

    Answer to Randy Webster’s question: because it’s illegal.  Once state of emergency is declared, profiteering off necessities becomes illegal.  The State Attorney General got involved.  That’s also the answer to why he “donated” the stuff he was stuck with.  No, he wasn’t a good guy.  As soon as he got the hint that something was brewing, he or his brother drove the length of Tennessee and into Kentucky, buying everything in sight.  They paid, in some cases $1 and charged 20 to 40 times that to desperate people.  He claimed to be some kind of hero, getting product to people who needed it, when they would have had no problem getting it if it had been left on the store shelves in the first place.  That’s another problem with the hoarding.  It’s bloody selfish. Sure, it will eventually get used, but stockpiling a two year supply means there’s none left on the shelf for others who need it now and in the coming week/month.  Empty shelves also add fuel to the panic.

    • #39
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