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Society is seemingly melting down all around us, and there’s a run on toilet paper. Seriously.
Why? Has toilet paper production been cut? No. Are we running out of trees? Nope.
Coronavirus is largely a respiratory ailment. But that hasn’t stopped a collective freakout over the bare necessity of having clean bottoms.
I am here today to announce my new website & business venture. Leveraging the Panic, Inc.com is up and running. We have one huge warehouse in northern Minnesota in which we’ve stockpiled a huge quantity of toilet paper. You can never have enough toilet paper. Also, near Fort Knox, KY we have a smaller warehouse filled with gold bullion and shotgun shells. This does not require further explanation.
Our motto at Leveraging the Panic, Inc. is “STUPIDITY IS NOT A PROBLEM, STUPIDITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY”. We have made overtures to various well-known personalities to become our spokesperson. Although Tom Hanks has nothing to do for the next two weeks, for some reason he isn’t interested in the job. We’ll find somebody.
WARNING FOR THE STUPID: THIS POST IS A PARODY, THAT MEANS IT ISN’T REAL IT’S FOR COMIC EFFECT… NO, I DON’T WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER! GO AWAY!