Recommended by Ricochet Members Created with Sketch. The Bulwark Endorses Whom for President?

 

After rigorous pushback across multiple blogs, tweets, and sundry other outlets over its editorial suggesting a Romney-Bloomberg independent ticket (pejoratively nicknamed across the blogosphere variously as “The Fun-Sucker Proxy,” “The Oh God, N0oooooo!!!,” “Bloom-ney,” and “What fresh hell is this?” ticket), The Bulwark has retracted the original article and its endorsement and instead issued a revised piece that editor-in-chief Jonathan Last has called “what America well and truly deserves.”

With the democratic-socialist Bernie Sanders now the Democratic frontrunner and the political arsonist Donald Trump as the Republican incumbent, there is a yawning chasm that has never before existed in American politics. By retreating to their poles, our two major parties have left tens of millions of independents and moderate Democrats and Republicans unrepresented. Satan’s entrance into the presidential race wouldn’t just give the vital center of the electorate a home — it would stand a chance to break the system entirely.

I’m hard-pressed to tell whether Mr. Last made this endorsement sarcastically out of anger at the pushback on the original endorsement, or if this is, in fact serious. The case made is certainly a novel one.

The last major third-party run was in 1992, when Ross Perot won 19 percent of the vote—and he accomplished this while running against two party centrists, in Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush. Against two polarizing fringe candidates with no claim to the middle of American politics, and with demonic hoards at his disposal, we have no idea what Satan’s electoral ceiling might be, but I’m sure is damned high.

Perhaps Mr. Last has forgotten that Perot’s quixotic runs in ’92 and ’96 got us eight solid years of Bill Clinton. But I think The Bulwark has moved solidly into the “Anyone, anyone at all, but Trump” phase of its existence. The editorial goes on:

In America the odds are extraordinarily long for any independent candidate. That is largely a problem of access and funding, which both the Democrat and Republican parties have been unified in blocking. But this is fundamentally not a problem for the prince of darkness, who can cash in favors from all the world’s wealthy for support, and whose legions of damned souls will be doomed for eternity to canvas every neighborhood in existence, 24/7. A leaked canvasser training manual shows satan’s clever campaign insights on soul possession and necromancy, which should serve well in Chicago.

I’d be tempted to suggest that this was a long-shot candidacy, America being a two-party system and all, but The Bulwark has even that covered:

But even if Satan didn’t win, his prospective candidacy is already polling above Trump, and he could bring enough public pressure to force the parties to give up their duopoly of citizens, and all the souls they command, and realize that until the possibility for a viable third party exists, we’re going to keep being forced to choose between unpopular candidates beholden to their party’s extremes. The prince of darkness would upend the entire corrupt paradigm, and serve the added goal of never again needing to contemplate Donald Trump’s name on any ticket.

We also could solve that “problem” by way of a nuclear holocaust, a massive plague, a massive plague of locusts, or a massive plague of plagued radioactive nuclear locusts, but it’s hard to see the upside of any of those solutions save that we might also see the emergence of Marvel’s next superhero, Locust Man (whose powers include the ability to devour entire fields of crops in seconds — and whose archnemesis is Monsanto Man). Honestly, their original suggestion of Bloomers and Rommers isn’t sounding quite as bad at the moment. I cannot help but think they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. The madness continues:

Another barrier to entry that independent candidates face is they do not have the name recognition that affiliating with a major party grants.

Satan would solve both of these problems, being recognized the world over. As the puppet master of most parties’ nominees for president since at least 1932, satan’s name recognition is already high. He has the credibility and trust of both Trump-hating Republicans, who see him as a sane alternative to the insanity of the president’s Twitter storm, and of the Silicon Valley capitalists, who are terrified of Bernie’s socialist utopia. He could easily cross the 105% percent polling threshold when Chicago is fully counted, and when Portland unlocks its van full of sealed ballots it just found.

Well, if name recognition is what they’re after, why not Jennifer Lopez? We could have the first inaugural pole dance routine out of that nomination at least, and I think she would meet most other Bulwark criteria already laid out above: Not Trump, Not Trump, and Not Trump. And I’m pretty sure she’s not the princess of darkness, even if she does have a rep as a prima donna. Well, it seems the Bulwark is truly looking for a “unity” candidate here, and they conclude their pitch as follows:

Think about that for a moment: satan has shown consistent and rigorous bipartisan appeal, and an ability to work with all sides. He is truly beyond any party affiliation, he has demonstrated that he has the ability to build big tent coalitions across partisan divides.

The same could be said of any natural disaster. I tried reaching out to the editors of The Bulwark to see if they were truly serious in their endorsement, asking if, in the face of the actual anti-Christ, they might not reconsider, hold their nose, and vote for the Orange Toupee man, just this once. Their response? “Not a chance in Hell.”

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  1. Arahant Member

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    • #1
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:20 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  2. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    • #2
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:21 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  3. Arahant Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    • #3
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:25 AM PST
    • 7 likes
  4. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    SkipSul: But I think the Bulwark has moved solidly into the “Anyone, anyone at all, but Trump” phase of its existence.

    This is where I suspend disbelief because I’m pretty sure that’s where they started.

    • #4
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:27 AM PST
    • 11 likes
  5. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    …okay, that might get me to vote third-party.

    • #5
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:30 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  6. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    SkipSul: But I think the Bulwark has moved solidly into the “Anyone, anyone at all, but Trump” phase of its existence.

    This is where I suspend disbelief because I’m pretty sure that’s where they started.

    Well, sorta, I mean originally it was “any human being but Trump”, but now they’ve extended their reach to “anyone or anything, human, eldritch, or otherwise.”

    Which I have to say really ticked off Cthulhu, as he had been angling for their endorsement long before satan got his hooks in. I hope the Bulwark doesn’t take its nautically themed name too seriously in the next few months, and avoids open water. Cthulhu is not one to let go of insults easily.

    • #6
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:31 AM PST
    • 16 likes
  7. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    …okay, that might get me to vote third-party.

    Bunyan was in the running until some hapless reporter asked him about entitlement reform, and whose ox he was willing to gore. Babe was present and trampled the entire press conference to death in a fit of temper, and Paul had to have her put down.

    • #7
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:32 AM PST
    • 16 likes
  8. Full Size Tabby Member

    I don’t follow the idea that Donald Trump represents a political pole (at least not in the same way that Bernie Sanders does). It seems to me that in many ways Donald Trump was in 2016 the candidate for the middle that both political parties had left behind – the “Main Street” business types that had been traditional Republicans and the blue collar working people that had been traditional Democrats. And he seems to be retaining (and possibly enhancing) that position. 

    • #8
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:33 AM PST
    • 29 likes
  9. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    SkipSul: But I think the Bulwark has moved solidly into the “Anyone, anyone at all, but Trump” phase of its existence.

    This is where I suspend disbelief because I’m pretty sure that’s where they started.

    Well, sorta, I mean originally it was “any human being but Trump”, but now they’ve extended their reach to “anyone or anything, human, eldritch, or otherwise.”

    Which I have to say really ticked off Cthulhu, as he had been angling for their endorsement long before satan got his hooks in. I hope the Bulwark doesn’t take its nautically themed name too seriously in the next few months, and avoids open water. Cthulhu is not one to let go of insults easily.

    Well maybe. I’ve heard he’s still sleeping, which will hurt him not being out on the campaign trail. Or perhaps like Hillary the less we see of him the better he does.

    • #9
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:35 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  10. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    …okay, that might get me to vote third-party.

    Bunyan was in the running until some hapless reporter asked him about entitlement reform, and whose ox he was willing to gore. Babe was present and trampled the entire press conference to death in a fit of temper, and Paul had to have her put down.

    I’m not hearing anything that’s making me like him less.

    • #10
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:36 AM PST
    • 7 likes
  11. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    I don’t follow the idea that Donald Trump represents a political pole (at least not in the same way that Bernie Sanders does). It seems to me that in many ways Donald Trump was in 2016 the candidate for the middle that both political parties had left behind – the “Main Street” business types that had been traditional Republicans and the blue collar working people that had been traditional Democrats. And he seems to be retaining (and possibly enhancing) that position.

    Sure. You see it that way, see it that way. But the editors over there actually bruited a Romney / Bloomberg ticket, an idea so foul and so awful, and so angry school-marmish, that even Chicago’s undead protested.

    • #11
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:36 AM PST
    • 14 likes
  12. Judge Mental Member

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    I don’t follow the idea that Donald Trump represents a political pole (at least not in the same way that Bernie Sanders does). It seems to me that in many ways Donald Trump was in 2016 the candidate for the middle that both political parties had left behind – the “Main Street” business types that had been traditional Republicans and the blue collar working people that had been traditional Democrats. And he seems to be retaining (and possibly enhancing) that position.

    He’s an extremist who can only get 95% support among the GOP and slightly over half of the Independents.

    • #12
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:36 AM PST
    • 23 likes
  13. Arahant Member

    SMoD may be visiting the Bulwark’s headquarters over this, too.

    • #13
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:36 AM PST
    • 10 likes
  14. DrewInWisconsin, Man of Consta… Coolidge

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):
    It seems to me that in many ways Donald Trump was in 2016 the candidate for the middle that both political parties had left behind – the “Main Street” business types that had been traditional Republicans and the blue collar working people that had been traditional Democrats. And he seems to be retaining (and possibly enhancing) that position. 

    This is true.

    • #14
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:38 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  15. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    …okay, that might get me to vote third-party.

    Bunyan was in the running until some hapless reporter asked him about entitlement reform, and whose ox he was willing to gore. Babe was present and trampled the entire press conference to death in a fit of temper, and Paul had to have her put down.

    I’m not hearing anything that’s making me like him less.

    True, but federal campaign laws are pretty strict on where and when you can trample and entire press conference to death. Bunyan is now in the penalty box for tramping too soon, and thus ineligible to run again till 2024.

    • #15
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:39 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  16. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    I don’t follow the idea that Donald Trump represents a political pole (at least not in the same way that Bernie Sanders does). It seems to me that in many ways Donald Trump was in 2016 the candidate for the middle that both political parties had left behind – the “Main Street” business types that had been traditional Republicans and the blue collar working people that had been traditional Democrats. And he seems to be retaining (and possibly enhancing) that position.

    He’s an extremist who can only get 95% support among the GOP and slightly over half of the Independents.

    • #16
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:41 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  17. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    I don’t follow the idea that Donald Trump represents a political pole (at least not in the same way that Bernie Sanders does). It seems to me that in many ways Donald Trump was in 2016 the candidate for the middle that both political parties had left behind – the “Main Street” business types that had been traditional Republicans and the blue collar working people that had been traditional Democrats. And he seems to be retaining (and possibly enhancing) that position.

    He’s an extremist who can only get 95% support among the GOP and slightly over half of the Independents.

    I always used to hear people say “I don’t want someone who’s too ideological, I just want someone who’s able to get things done.” A lot of times I think it was liberals who really wanted people who fit their ideology, but that’s another topic. Well, now they have what they were supposedly asking for and they’re complaining about that too.

    • #17
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:44 AM PST
    • 10 likes
  18. Titus Techera Contributor

    The self-proclaimed adults behaving like children is on-brand. These are the times, Skip!

    • #18
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:45 AM PST
    • 11 likes
  19. JoelB Member

    Months ago, Oprah had me concerned, but I have not heard anything about her lately.

    • #19
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:51 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  20. GeezerBob Coolidge

    The trouble with The Bulwark is that they think the government should be in the hands of effete snobs. Only they would prefer effete snobs of the right as opposed to effete snobs of the left. Talk about holding a grudge…

    • #20
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:53 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  21. Bryan G. Stephens, Trump Aveng… Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens, Trump Aveng… Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    That is also SMODs and Cthulhu’s problem. 

    We can be cute. But this area is really clear. 

    • #21
    • February 19, 2020, at 11:55 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  22. DrewInWisconsin, Man of Consta… Coolidge

    GeezerBob (View Comment):

    The trouble with The Bulwark is that they think the government should be in the hands of effete snobs. Only they would prefer effete snobs of the right as opposed to effete snobs of the left. Talk about holding a grudge…

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a difference anymore between the effete snobs of the right and the effete snobs of the left. They’ve merged into a sort of effete snob Voltron.

    • #22
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:01 PM PST
    • 12 likes
  23. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Bryan G. Stephens (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    If he doesn’t work out, maybe they could go more positive with Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

    Both would lose the votes of anyone over the age of 9.

    None of the three are natural-born US citizens anyway. Maybe Paul Bunyan.

    That is also SMODs and Cthulhu’s problem.

    We can be cute. But this area is really clear.

    I don’t know about the Easter Bunny though. I’ve never really gotten a clear idea of where it lives.

    • #23
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:08 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  24. Arahant Member

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):
    Well, now they have what they were supposedly asking for and they’re complaining about that too.

    Some folks would complain if you hanged ’em with a new rope.

    • #24
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:09 PM PST
    • 9 likes
  25. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    SMoD may be visiting the Bulwark’s headquarters over this, too.

    SMOD was aiming for a surprise entry into Dem race for Super Tuesday, but decided to skip after the fiasco of the Iowa Caucus, and being deflected by Bloomberg’s oversized ego.

    • #25
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:09 PM PST
    • 5 likes
  26. The Reticulator Member

    You’re in fine form today, SkipSul. Whatever you’ve been drinking or smoking, you should lay in a big supply of it. 

    • #26
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:10 PM PST
    • 6 likes
  27. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    DrewInWisconsin, Influencer (View Comment):

    GeezerBob (View Comment):

    The trouble with The Bulwark is that they think the government should be in the hands of effete snobs. Only they would prefer effete snobs of the right as opposed to effete snobs of the left. Talk about holding a grudge…

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a difference anymore between the effete snobs of the right and the effete snobs of the left. They’ve merged into a sort of effete snob Voltron.

    Except they’re not the cool lion-voltron, but the silly vehicle one. Which one forms that Voltron’s codpiece?

    • #27
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:11 PM PST
    • 5 likes
  28. Dave of Barsham Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    DrewInWisconsin, Influencer (View Comment):

    GeezerBob (View Comment):

    The trouble with The Bulwark is that they think the government should be in the hands of effete snobs. Only they would prefer effete snobs of the right as opposed to effete snobs of the left. Talk about holding a grudge…

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a difference anymore between the effete snobs of the right and the effete snobs of the left. They’ve merged into a sort of effete snob Voltron.

    Except they’re not the cool lion-voltron, but the silly vehicle one. Which one forms that Voltron’s codpiece?

    I’m thinking the opposite side of that particular body politic.

    • #28
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:12 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  29. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Dave of Barsham (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    DrewInWisconsin, Influencer (View Comment):

    GeezerBob (View Comment):

    The trouble with The Bulwark is that they think the government should be in the hands of effete snobs. Only they would prefer effete snobs of the right as opposed to effete snobs of the left. Talk about holding a grudge…

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a difference anymore between the effete snobs of the right and the effete snobs of the left. They’ve merged into a sort of effete snob Voltron.

    Except they’re not the cool lion-voltron, but the silly vehicle one. Which one forms that Voltron’s codpiece?

    I’m thinking the opposite side of that particular body politic.

    I’m thinking there’s a fierce competition for that.

    • #29
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:14 PM PST
    • 4 likes
  30. Arahant Member

    SkipSul (View Comment):
    Which one forms that Voltron’s codpiece?

    Bill Kristol.

    • #30
    • February 19, 2020, at 12:16 PM PST
    • 13 likes