It’s Hard to Get Old

 

We sat around the oaken table following the singing performance. My friend was sitting next to me; Eloise was sitting on my other side; and Joe sat quietly next to her. He seemed especially restrained after enjoying the music. I listened in to his conversation with Eloise:

Joe: I think it’s time for us to head home.

Eloise: Sure. That’s okay with me.

Joe: So, do you have the car keys? I can’t seem to find them (as he checks his pockets).

Eloise: No, I don’t have them either. (She casts a glance at me, one of perplexity and shrugs her shoulders.)

Joe: Well, we must have walked down the hill to come here. I don’t recognize any of the people here (as he looks around the room). Do you? We usually just walk from the Crown Towers.

Eloise: What? (She asks “what” every time Joe speaks to her.)

Joe: We must have walked (he says, leaning closer so she can hear him).

Eloise: Okay.

I watched this exchange, which went on for a minute or two, realizing that Joe’s anxiety and Eloise’s perplexity were growing with each passing moment. Finally, I caught Joe’s eye—

Me: Joe, I’m pretty sure that you live here.

Joe: I do? Okay (followed by a long pause).

Then he looked at me and shook his head slowly.

Joe: This getting old is sure hard, isn’t it? (We looked at each other nodding.)

Me: You’re right, Joe. It sure is.

* * * *

[Joe and Eloise are fictitious names; they are not a couple. They are both residents in the memory section of this facility, and have been there for quite a while.]

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  1. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    PHenry (View Comment):

    Getting old sucks.

    The alternative sucks more.

    I was watching the movie Marty last night.  Ernest Borgnine, 1955.  There’s a scene where his mother and his aunt are complaining about the trials of being a mother after your children are grown.  The actors are these two really-old looking ladies, wearing babushkas, the whole deal.

    Then one of them finishes up the monologue with “I’m 56 years years old, what am I supposed to do?”  (or words to that effect).

    • #31
  2. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    JoelB (View Comment):

    I have always wondered why the Bible seems to make no mention of the kind of dementia and memory loss that we see in the modern world. Many of the other afflictions of age are mentioned. Perhaps some Bible scholars here have some thoughts.

    If I had to guess, people with Dementia didn’t manage to live very long back then.

    Point taken; but even today, people don’t die from dementia. And at least within the Jewish community, they would have probably been looked after. Remember, too, that people lived to ripe old ages.

    • #32
  3. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    I scrolled through the comments and had a pretty good one of my own in mind, I think.  But I forgot what I was gonna write…

    • #33
  4. JD Rucker Inactive
    JD Rucker
    @JDRucker

    When I was 16, my nurse practitioner mother made me get a job at a nursing home to get my CNA certification. I assumed it was a fallback attempt so I could have something in case my dreams of being a philosopher poet after college didn’t work out. Later, I learned she wanted me to understand about aging so I wouldn’t miss the point of my youth. To this day, I have more memories from that job than any other.

    • #34
  5. Bartholomew Xerxes Ogilvie, Jr. Coolidge
    Bartholomew Xerxes Ogilvie, Jr.
    @BartholomewXerxesOgilvieJr

    Many years ago, during my time as a psychology major, I took a “psychology of aging” course. As part of that course, we were all required to “volunteer” at a local state hospital for the elderly; essentially a nursing home for people who couldn’t afford private facilities. As a volunteer, my role was just to spend time with residents; I might help someone write a letter home, or participate in a simple card game during an occupational-therapy session; or even just visit and talk.

    Most of the residents were significantly disabled, some barely able to communicate. But then one day somebody suggested that I might pay a visit to Mrs. Woodward. When I did so, I was surprised: she appeared active and healthy, and she greeted me warmly and carried on a lucid conversation. She was a retired schoolteacher, an educated lady, and she told me all kinds of interesting stories from her hometown of Aiken, S.C. The whole time I was thinking to myself “Why is this woman here?”

    I began to understand when I visited a second time; she greeted me just as warmly and then started to tell me the same stories. She had vivid and detailed memories of things that happened decades ago, but the present made no lasting impression on her. Worse yet, she was smart enough to know that something wasn’t right with her. Clearly she didn’t know who I was, so she inferred from context that I was a family member or friend, and pretended she remembered each time I visited. (This was part of why she had seemed so friendly that first time; she assumed that she was supposed to know me.) I think she was embarrassed, desperate to hide the fact that her mind was not what it once was.

    I genuinely enjoyed my visits with Mrs. Woodward; she was articulate and funny, and I am sure she was a great teacher. But it saddened me to know that on the inside, she was constantly scrambling to keep up her pretense, and that there was no way I could truly connect with her. I wanted to tell her “It’s all right, Mrs. Woodward, I understand.” But she wouldn’t have remembered.

    • #35
  6. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    JD Rucker (View Comment):

    When I was 16, my nurse practitioner mother made me get a job at a nursing home to get my CNA certification. I assumed it was a fallback attempt so I could have something in case my dreams of being a philosopher poet after college didn’t work out. Later, I learned she wanted me to understand about aging so I wouldn’t miss the point of my youth. To this day, I have more memories from that job than any other.

    You had a wise mother, @jdrucker.

    • #36
  7. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Bartholomew Xerxes Ogilvie, Jr. (View Comment):
    I genuinely enjoyed my visits with Mrs. Woodward; she was articulate and funny, and I am sure she was a great teacher. But it saddened me to know that on the inside, she was constantly scrambling to keep up her pretense, and that there was no way I could truly connect with her. I wanted to tell her “It’s all right, Mrs. Woodward, I understand.” But she wouldn’t have remembered.

    Yes, BXO, I can relate to all of this. I think the patient I visit (not the one in my post) recognizes me, but I’m never sure. And it doesn’t matter.

    • #37
  8. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    JD Rucker (View Comment):
    I assumed it was a fallback attempt so I could have something in case my dreams of being a philosopher poet after college didn’t work out.

    But did you wind up a philosopher poet?

    • #38
  9. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    JD Rucker (View Comment):

    When I was 16, my nurse practitioner mother made me get a job at a nursing home to get my CNA certification. I assumed it was a fallback attempt so I could have something in case my dreams of being a philosopher poet after college didn’t work out. Later, I learned she wanted me to understand about aging so I wouldn’t miss the point of my youth. To this day, I have more memories from that job than any other.

    Today’s winner!

    • #39
  10. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    Five years after my dad died, we moved my mom into assisted living. 

    About a year later she didn’t recognize any of us, and within a year after that she was non-verbal.

    There are five siblings, four with spouses and many adult grandchildren. She never went a day without at least one visitor. (I believe my last words to her were: it’s a damn good thing you had five kids. Might I suggest in your next life you have 10?)

    Anyway, I texted all the brothers and sisters one day: It’s official. Mom had no idea who I was. But she was glad to see me!

    Brother #1: Well, if she was happy to see you, it’s obvious she had no idea who you were.

    I was always glad I was the first one to not get recognized, one brother (obviously, not the one quoted above) and one sister in particular are a little soft-hearted and they were prepared when it happened to them.

    On another note, after this experience my one sister (no spouse) told all her kids that as soon as she becomes “wandered” to cut off all medication if she’s on any, and let nature takes its course.

    • #40
  11. Randy Webster Inactive
    Randy Webster
    @RandyWebster

    Arahant (View Comment):

    WillowSpring (View Comment):
    I have a post I’ve been working on about what I wasn’t told about getting old, but I’m afraid it might scare off the young-uns.

    Go for it. They won’t believe you anyway.

    And where are you going to scare them to?

    • #41
  12. JustmeinAZ Member
    JustmeinAZ
    @JustmeinAZ

    The other side of the coin to dementia is for your body to age beyond use and for your cognitive ability to remain intact. That happened to my mother who just died a few months ago at the age of 92. My father had been her main caregiver with some help from  strong but really non-qualified household help. She needed literally 24 hr care – she couldn’t even take herself to the bathroom. When he died two years ago it was really a crisis. There are five of us siblings but none of us could provide the care she needed. We had no choice but to put her in a nursing home. No matter how nice a nursing home is it is hell when you are completely aware of your situation but can do nothing about it. Fortunately we were able to place her close to my two sisters and they visited her often but she was miserable. Within a two week period last October she just quit eating and communicating and died. Who wants to live like that?

    • #42
  13. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    JustmeinAZ (View Comment):
    Within a two week period last October she just quit eating and communicating and died. Who wants to live like that?

    I’m so sorry, @justmeinaz. No one comes out okay in that kind of situation.

    • #43
  14. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    JoelB (View Comment):

    I have always wondered why the Bible seems to make no mention of the kind of dementia and memory loss that we see in the modern world. Many of the other afflictions of age are mentioned. Perhaps some Bible scholars here have some thoughts.

    Sure we do. Jacob shows clear signs of confusion near the end of his life.

    • #44
  15. Concretevol Thatcher
    Concretevol
    @Concretevol

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    They say God has a plan but I surely can’t see how memory diseases fit into it.

    The plan is Susan…..people like her showing God’s love to people in a terrible situation.  

    • #45
  16. Pony Convertible Inactive
    Pony Convertible
    @PonyConvertible

    As I get older, I think about the here-after more.  Often I walk into a room and think, what did I come here after?

    • #46
  17. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Concretevol (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    They say God has a plan but I surely can’t see how memory diseases fit into it.

    The plan is Susan…..people like her showing God’s love to people in a terrible situation.

    Oh my goodness, @concretevol. That is so sweet. Thank you.

    • #47
  18. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Pony Convertible (View Comment):

    As I get older, I think about the here-after more. Often I walk into a home and think, what did I come here after?

    I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, @ponyconvertible. And sometimes I have to do it a couple of times! Like, oh yeah . . . what, what was it? . . . oh yeah . . . and then I rush to do it before I forget again!

    • #48
  19. Juliana Member
    Juliana
    @Juliana

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    I was watching the movie Marty last night. Ernest Borgnine, 1955. There’s a scene where his mother and his aunt are complaining about the trials of being a mother after your children are grown. The actors are these two really-old looking ladies, wearing babushkas, the whole deal.

    Then one of them finishes up the monologue with “I’m 56 years years old, what am I supposed to do?” (or words to that effect).

    I think I was about 56 or 57 when I first saw that movie. I was pretty shocked by that statement as well. Both women were made to look like they were at least 70 – by modern standards. Funny how our expectations of aging have changed, how we believe we should act/look/think young always and that we are surprised that our brains may not work well into our 90’s.

    • #49
  20. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Juliana (View Comment):

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    I was watching the movie Marty last night. Ernest Borgnine, 1955. There’s a scene where his mother and his aunt are complaining about the trials of being a mother after your children are grown. The actors are these two really-old looking ladies, wearing babushkas, the whole deal.

    Then one of them finishes up the monologue with “I’m 56 years years old, what am I supposed to do?” (or words to that effect).

    I think I was about 56 or 57 when I first saw that movie. I was pretty shocked by that statement as well. Both women were made to look like they were at least 70 – by modern standards. Funny how our expectations of aging have changed, how we believe we should act/look/think young always and that we are surprised that our brains may not work well into our 90’s.

    From Abraham Lincoln’s farewell address when he left Springfield in 1861, for the last time:

    Here I have lived a quarter of a century, and have passed from a young to an old man.

    He was 52 years old.

    • #50
  21. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    I sometimes feel as if I’m a little schizophrenic about my age and who that makes me. At 70, am I old? If yes, what are the reasons beyond age? If I’m young, what does that mean? When I refer to a 40-year-old as a kid, it feels odd, even if it’s accurate. I met a man recently and felt like arguing with him about his own age–he was 91 and looked and acted 70!

    I think my best option is to try to stay in touch with who I am as a person–woman, friend, wife, writer–and to appreciate all the dimensions and vitality that provides. There is no way to nail down who I am, since I am effectively changing in every moment! But it is so interesting to reflect on these questions.

    • #51
  22. Rodin Member
    Rodin
    @Rodin

    Mrs. Rodin’s great aunt has oft been quoted in the family: “Don’t get old, just don’t get old.” (Always stated as a lament.)

    • #52
  23. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Rodin (View Comment):

    Mrs. Rodin’s great aunt has oft been quoted in the family: “Don’t get old, just don’t get old.”

    I’ve often heard people say that getting old sucks, and the comment is often followed by, it’s better than the alternative. Would that we could all just flow with the aging process, rather than be angry about it. Getting old is just part of life, and my life is blessed regardless of whatever limitations I have. I may not always feel that way, but I do now. Thanks, @rodin.

    • #53
  24. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Susan Quinn (View Comment):
    Would that we could all just flow with the aging process, rather than be angry about it.

    Get off my lawn, ya whippersnapper!

    • #54
  25. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    Susan Quinn (View Comment):

    I sometimes feel as if I’m a little schizophrenic about my age and who that makes me. At 70, am I old? If yes, what are the reasons beyond age? If I’m young, what does that mean? When I refer to a 40-year-old as a kid, it feels odd, even if it’s accurate. I met a man recently and felt like arguing with him about his own age–he was 91 and looked and acted 70!

    My former boss once referred to someone we both knew to be in his 40s as “a kid”.  When I pointed out this disconnect he replied that anyone who is younger than he is by 10 or more years is “a kid.”  

    At age 100, Brig. Gen. Charles McGee looks better than most of us who were not even born when he was escorting bomber runs in WWII.  I guess the “results may vary” when we get that disclaimer form at birth is accurate.

     

    • #55
  26. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Juliana (View Comment):

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    I was watching the movie Marty last night. Ernest Borgnine, 1955. There’s a scene where his mother and his aunt are complaining about the trials of being a mother after your children are grown. The actors are these two really-old looking ladies, wearing babushkas, the whole deal.

    Then one of them finishes up the monologue with “I’m 56 years years old, what am I supposed to do?” (or words to that effect).

    I think I was about 56 or 57 when I first saw that movie. I was pretty shocked by that statement as well. Both women were made to look like they were at least 70 – by modern standards. Funny how our expectations of aging have changed, how we believe we should act/look/think young always and that we are surprised that our brains may not work well into our 90’s.

    I’m turning 58 next week.

     

    • #56
  27. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Rodin (View Comment):

    Mrs. Rodin’s great aunt has oft been quoted in the family: “Don’t get old, just don’t get old.” (Always stated as a lament.)

    I have no idea who to attribute this to, but…

    “Inside every old person is a young person screaming ‘What the Hell happened?!'”.

     

    • #57
  28. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    Miffed White Male (View Comment):

    Juliana (View Comment):

    I’m turning 58 next week.

    Just a kid.

     

     

    • #58
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