Philadelphia Library Cancels Mummer Story Hour

 

PHILADELPHIA — The public library system of Philadelphia has canceled a program that featured Mummers, members of flamboyantly costumed groups that perform annually in the city New Year’s Day parade, reading books to young children. The cancellation comes after the first such event, held in Wissaquehoninghocken (pronounced “pa-SHUNK”) Library, a public library in Northwest Philadelphia, where Kevin Prosciutto, a 37-year-old longshoreman and member of the Golden Fancy Boys of Manatiniquehanna (pronounced “pa-SHUNK”), was scheduled to read the book “Myrtle the Covetous Platypus” at an event advertised for children between five and eight years of age.

According to an unnamed source within the library, Mr. Prosciutto entered claiming to be depicting Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, but resembled “the illegitimate love child of Elton John and Lady Gaga, if that love child had consumed LSD which was somehow fattening.” Four pages into the book, other members of the Golden Fancy Boys of Manatiniquehanna entered carrying small stringed instruments, which they played while singing a song that involved various Presidential candidates and elements of the plot of “Guardians of the Galaxy 2.” When pressed for details, the unnamed source began weeping quietly and only said, “I had no idea the name ‘Elizabeth Warren’ could rhyme with so many parts of the female anatomy.”

Although a spokesman for the public library promised mental health services would be made available for the children and (perhaps more importantly) their parents, most of the children seemed unfazed by the incident, with many assuming Mr. Prosciutto was portraying Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers mascot. No children or library staff members were injured, although Mr. Prosciutto and Andrew Halupszczkowski, another member of his group, were briefly treated for an incident involving Elmer’s Glue and their own chest hair.

Libraries affected by the program closure include Wyoconshouwchlan, Shackamackoning, and Gwynyddhloc, all of which are pronounced “pa-SHUNK.”

Published in Humor
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There are 11 comments.

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  1. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Satire, or prophecy?

    • #1
  2. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    Are you really that one Michael guy who used to write here, with a new screen name?

    This is good stuff.  A little too Ricky Gervais, maybe.

    So just watch your step.

    • #2
  3. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    Tee hee!  Ray’s Dad was a member of one of those Philadelphia string bands.

    • #3
  4. Henry Castaigne Member
    Henry Castaigne
    @HenryCastaigne

    Why does the left always escalate everything? I doubt too many people would object if they some polite sexual gay couple with an adorable Asian daughter showed up and read a book. 

    • #4
  5. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    If your sexuality becomes an issue during story time for 5-8 year-olds, you’re doing it wrong.

    • #5
  6. Al French, poor excuse for a p… Moderator
    Al French, poor excuse for a p…
    @AlFrench

    Jeff Ditzler: Halupszczkowski

    Pronounced pa-SHUNK

     

    • #6
  7. Umbra Fractus, cum Insigne Inactive
    Umbra Fractus, cum Insigne
    @UmbraFractus

    • #7
  8. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    I don’t understand much of this but it gave me many yuks.

    • #8
  9. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    I don’t understand much of this but it gave me many yuks.

    Yes.

    • #9
  10. Ray Kujawa Coolidge
    Ray Kujawa
    @RayKujawa

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    Tee hee! Ray’s Dad was a member of one of those Philadelphia string bands.

    Don’t trust anyone in the fancy divisions; they’re probably not fancy the same way you remember. String bands would be okay, even today. Where is Dave Schultz when you need him to break some heads?

    • #10
  11. Cow Girl Thatcher
    Cow Girl
    @CowGirl

    This is just divine. And I don’t mean DIVINE…

     

    • #11
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