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My world-renowned phrenologist, Dr. Hans O’Cranium, and I were in DC this week and inadvertently learned the identity of the heretofore unnamed whistleblower in the Trump impeachment inquiry: Cousin Itt, Gomez’s hairy cousin from The Addams Family.
Hans and I were on Capitol Hill to testify on the correlation of skull topography to the tendency of poorly educated pro athletes to make uninformed comments about complex geopolitical matters such as freedom of speech and trade with Red China.
A bumpy-headed security employee-for-life of the US government mistakenly ushered us into the House Selective Intelligence Committee To Impeach President Trump Once And For All.
Hans and I were shocked to see former stars of The Addams Family well-represented on the Committee.
The Chairman, Adam “Gomez” Shiftless, gaveled the hearing to order and focused his gigantic John Astin-like eyeballs on Republican members and reminded them that only information deemed harmful to Trump could be leaked under rules adopted by the majority moments after Hans and I were seated.
“Please take the witness chair, cara mia,” Gomez said to his heartthrob, House Speaker Morticia Lugosi, resplendent in a full-length black gown and long black wig.
“Thank you, Gomez,” she said, batting her eyes and introducing her legal adviser, 6’8” Lurch Comey, who sat next to her, thinking big thoughts.
“Madame Speaker,” Congressman Pugsley Smallwell said, “I want….”
“Don’t interrupt your mother,” Gomez Adam Shiftless barked at Pugsley.
“Let the President speak,” insisted Congressman Uncle Fester Addler, on loan from the House Judiciary Committee.
“I want to hear from Judge Eddy Munster Neapolitano first,” Pugsley Smallwell whined, signaling for the diminutive Judge to stand and show off his widow’s peak.
“No way any Munsters will testify in my hearing,” Gomez said.
At that moment, Ohio Congressman and former NCAA wrestling All-American Jim Jordan burst into the hearing room dragging a small mop-like creature in a headlock.
“I’ve found the whistleblower,” Jordan said. “It’s Chairman Gomez’s cousin.”
“Free Cousin Itt,” Pugsley Smallwell demanded.
“Not until he tells this committee what he told me,” Jordan said.
Covered with long hair from head to toe and wearing only a bowler hat and glasses, Cousin Itt launched into ten minutes of unintelligible high-pitched gibberish at 78 rpm.
“See what I mean?” Jordan exclaimed. “It’s a witch hunt based on nothing.”
“That’s not what I heard Cousin Itt say,” Gomez Adam Shiftless said. “I believe Itt just reinforced our case for impeachment!”
“Look at those bumps on Shiftless’s forehead and skull,” Hans whispered to me. “No telling what’s going on in that head.”