I Recently Acquired a Wife

 

hoboSignI know. It’s news to friends and family. No one was more surprised than I.

She’s very neat and so discreet. She seems to eat like a bird and likes everything I cook. There was not even any sorting out of who sleeps on which side of the bed, or whose clothes and toiletries go where. She is financially independent and undemanding. Indeed, my bank, utilities and even the vaunted tech giants haven’t even noticed her moving in with me.

There is one group, though, that picked up on her presence. The GOP fundraising industry has been assiduously courting this reliable donor. Did I mention she was financially independent? Well, everyone from Martha McSally to Dan Crenshaw, from the NRCC to the latest faux Trump-supporting group, is filling my (our?) mailbox with urgent petitions. The mailers come in every size, shape, and color, yet they are really all the same, so they must really think this approach works with her.

I’ve tried talking to her about the wisdom of feeding the GOP beast. It just encourages them. But she never engages, never even answers. Well, she’s entitled to spend her own money as she chooses, and she’s otherwise entirely unobtrusive in my life.

Truth be told, if it were not for the sheer volume of correspondence from a professional political operation, that I’ve been assured is totally on top of its game with voters, I’d start seriously doubting that she is real.

But the experts, those geniuses who brought us Speaker Pelosi, President McCain, and President Romney, assure me almost every day that I have a wife, as they fill my mailbox with their urgent appeals to…

Gail Brown.


For the humor-impaired, this is satire. The only truth of it is the relentless deluge of mail for “Gail Brown.” Who I assure you has never existed at my current, or any past address. But tell me again about the awesome power and deep expertise of the GOP electoral politics machine.

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  1. MACHO GRANDE' (aka - Chris Cam… Coolidge
    MACHO GRANDE' (aka - Chris Cam…
    @ChrisCampion

    James Lileks (View Comment):

    At the age of ten my daughter gave the name Kate Radical when she entered a contest at the mall. We’ve gotten mail for Kate ever since. It intensified the last few years, with many enticements from online colleges and offers of substantial student loans.

    That’s a little too on the nose.  Here’s a few I should have created for myself (my selves?):

    Chris Jedi

    Chris Pirate

    Chris Blocks Unsolicited Emails and Texts From GOP

    Chris Hippies Smell Bad

    Chris Pelosi Face

    • #31
  2. MACHO GRANDE' (aka - Chris Cam… Coolidge
    MACHO GRANDE' (aka - Chris Cam…
    @ChrisCampion

    Misthiocracy grudgingly (View Comment):

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t . Democrats send voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against. The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.

    I have never understood why there are open primaries.

    There’s a reason why there’s a $10 fee to join a Canadian political party. It’s a symbolic gesture that helps cut down on that sort of shenanigan. Sorta like the nominal fee to join Ricochet.

    I like that idea. 10 loonies and it’s real.

    • #32
  3. Gary Robbins Member
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Misthiocracy grudgingly (View Comment):

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Ask for an absentee ballot.

    Hey, Clifford’s not a Democrat!

    Gail might be.

    You know, Gail is female, likely college-educated, and Clifford lives in the suburbs.  Gail could be either a Democrat or a Severe Trump Skeptic.

    • #33
  4. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    I got a wife at 59, one who has all the characteristics of Clifford’s second paragraph except that she is real.  And very sexy.   Through patient and loving exposure to Truth and Reality she has gone from being a two-time B. Hussein Obama voter to a committed MAGA girl.  All it took was love and daily exposure to patient, thoughtful conservatism.

    And I have made some progress with my step daughter too.   “Where do your rights as a citizen originate?”

    “uhhhh, from the government?”

    ”No, from God”, which led to a conversation about the Declaration of Independence and the Preamble to the Constitution.

    But we don’t give money to the GOP.  They are worse than useless.

    • #34
  5. Clifford A. Brown Member
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t . Democrats send voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against. The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.

    It might be interesting to check with the county registrar to see if someone has set up a fake voter registration for the purpose of committing vote fraud.

    Good point! I’ll check. It is a marginally Democrat district.

    • #35
  6. aardo vozz Member
    aardo vozz
    @aardovozz

    Doctor Robert (View Comment):

    But we don’t give money to the GOP. They are worse than useless. 

    The same geniuses who kept calling my father for donations—after he died.

    It makes me wonder how they manage to win any elections at all.

    • #36
  7. Stina Inactive
    Stina
    @CM

    Cato Rand (View Comment):

    I don’t know. Somehow they got my cell number. I’m getting a never ending stream of texts asking for money that some obscure billionaire is going to MATCH 5X!!!!! Blocking the number doesn’t seem to work. It just comes from a new number.

    I made the stupid mistake of being holiday-generous with a police related fundraiser.

    Now, the calls won’t stop.

    • #37
  8. kylez Member
    kylez
    @kylez

    You married an elderly actress from Another World.

    • #38
  9. Duane Oyen Member
    Duane Oyen
    @DuaneOyen

    I myself seem to have a roommate named Daniel Oyen.  My wife has been remarkably calm about the whole thing.

    • #39
  10. kylez Member
    kylez
    @kylez

    Duane Oyen (View Comment):

    I myself seem to have a roommate named Daniel Oyen. My wife has been remarkably calm about the whole thing.

    Might want to keep an eye on her.

    • #40
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