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I Recently Acquired a Wife
I know. It’s news to friends and family. No one was more surprised than I.
She’s very neat and so discreet. She seems to eat like a bird and likes everything I cook. There was not even any sorting out of who sleeps on which side of the bed, or whose clothes and toiletries go where. She is financially independent and undemanding. Indeed, my bank, utilities and even the vaunted tech giants haven’t even noticed her moving in with me.
There is one group, though, that picked up on her presence. The GOP fundraising industry has been assiduously courting this reliable donor. Did I mention she was financially independent? Well, everyone from Martha McSally to Dan Crenshaw, from the NRCC to the latest faux Trump-supporting group, is filling my (our?) mailbox with urgent petitions. The mailers come in every size, shape, and color, yet they are really all the same, so they must really think this approach works with her.
I’ve tried talking to her about the wisdom of feeding the GOP beast. It just encourages them. But she never engages, never even answers. Well, she’s entitled to spend her own money as she chooses, and she’s otherwise entirely unobtrusive in my life.
Truth be told, if it were not for the sheer volume of correspondence from a professional political operation, that I’ve been assured is totally on top of its game with voters, I’d start seriously doubting that she is real.
But the experts, those geniuses who brought us Speaker Pelosi, President McCain, and President Romney, assure me almost every day that I have a wife, as they fill my mailbox with their urgent appeals to…
Gail Brown.
For the humor-impaired, this is satire. The only truth of it is the relentless deluge of mail for “Gail Brown.” Who I assure you has never existed at my current, or any past address. But tell me again about the awesome power and deep expertise of the GOP electoral politics machine.
Published in Humor
That’s a little too on the nose. Here’s a few I should have created for myself (my selves?):
Chris Jedi
Chris Pirate
Chris Blocks Unsolicited Emails and Texts From GOP
Chris Hippies Smell Bad
Chris Pelosi Face
I like that idea. 10 loonies and it’s real.
You know, Gail is female, likely college-educated, and Clifford lives in the suburbs. Gail could be either a Democrat or a Severe Trump Skeptic.
I got a wife at 59, one who has all the characteristics of Clifford’s second paragraph except that she is real. And very sexy. Through patient and loving exposure to Truth and Reality she has gone from being a two-time B. Hussein Obama voter to a committed MAGA girl. All it took was love and daily exposure to patient, thoughtful conservatism.
And I have made some progress with my step daughter too. “Where do your rights as a citizen originate?”
“uhhhh, from the government?”
”No, from God”, which led to a conversation about the Declaration of Independence and the Preamble to the Constitution.
But we don’t give money to the GOP. They are worse than useless.
Good point! I’ll check. It is a marginally Democrat district.
The same geniuses who kept calling my father for donations—after he died.
It makes me wonder how they manage to win any elections at all.
I made the stupid mistake of being holiday-generous with a police related fundraiser.
Now, the calls won’t stop.
You married an elderly actress from Another World.
I myself seem to have a roommate named Daniel Oyen. My wife has been remarkably calm about the whole thing.
Might want to keep an eye on her.