I Recently Acquired a Wife

 

hoboSignI know. It’s news to friends and family. No one was more surprised than I.

She’s very neat and so discreet. She seems to eat like a bird and likes everything I cook. There was not even any sorting out of who sleeps on which side of the bed, or whose clothes and toiletries go where. She is financially independent and undemanding. Indeed, my bank, utilities and even the vaunted tech giants haven’t even noticed her moving in with me.

There is one group, though, that picked up on her presence. The GOP fundraising industry has been assiduously courting this reliable donor. Did I mention she was financially independent? Well, everyone from Martha McSally to Dan Crenshaw, from the NRCC to the latest faux Trump-supporting group, is filling my (our?) mailbox with urgent petitions. The mailers come in every size, shape, and color, yet they are really all the same, so they must really think this approach works with her.

I’ve tried talking to her about the wisdom of feeding the GOP beast. It just encourages them. But she never engages, never even answers. Well, she’s entitled to spend her own money as she chooses, and she’s otherwise entirely unobtrusive in my life.

Truth be told, if it were not for the sheer volume of correspondence from a professional political operation, that I’ve been assured is totally on top of its game with voters, I’d start seriously doubting that she is real.

But the experts, those geniuses who brought us Speaker Pelosi, President McCain, and President Romney, assure me almost every day that I have a wife, as they fill my mailbox with their urgent appeals to…

Gail Brown.


For the humor-impaired, this is satire. The only truth of it is the relentless deluge of mail for “Gail Brown.” Who I assure you has never existed at my current, or any past address. But tell me again about the awesome power and deep expertise of the GOP electoral politics machine.

There are 40 comments.

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  1. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Ask for an absentee ballot.

    • #1
  2. Gary Robbins Reagan
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    But does she laugh at your jokes?  Even more important, has she ever nagged you or criticized you?  The first is so much fun, the second is deadly in any relationship.

    • #2
  3. Gary Robbins Reagan
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Ask for an absentee ballot.

    Hey, Clifford’s not a Democrat!

    • #3
  4. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    But does she laugh at your jokes? Even more important, has she ever nagged you or criticized you? The first is so much fun, the second is deadly in any relationship.

    No, and no.

    • #4
  5. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Ask for an absentee ballot.

    Hey…that might just help here!

    • #5
  6. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Ask for an absentee ballot.

    Hey, Clifford’s not a Democrat!

    Thanks Gary. Judge, that would wrong, that would be very wrong.

    • #6
  7. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    Don’t scare me like that ever again! I thought you’d gotten married and were dumpin’ me. But this has happened to me too. I get cold calls for my ex-husband and donation requests at my address, where he has never lived. Does this cast a shadow on Ronna McDaniel?

    • #7
  8. Fake John/Jane Galt Coolidge
    Fake John/Jane Galt
    @FakeJohnJaneGalt

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    • #8
  9. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    Don’t scare me like that ever again!

    OK

    I thought you’d gotten married and were dumpin’ me.

    Never.

    But this has happened to me too. I get cold calls for my ex-husband and donation requests at my address, where he has never lived.

    Ah, but I can’t even claim Gail as my ex! To my knowledge, and I have most of my memory intact, I’ve never even dated a Gail!

    Does this cast a shadow on Ronna McDaniel?

    It at least suggests there is a vast grift machine over which she has little power.

     

    • #9
  10. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron Miller
    @AaronMiller

    I have a sneaking suspicion the GOP is behind the calendars I keep getting from Hipposheep Investments. (I found no business by that name, but “hipposheep” does surprisingly get a few results.)

    • #10
  11. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    • #11
  12. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    And on a similar yet converse note, Yahoo mail sends nearly every GOP or Trump email directly to the Spam folder. I’m sure it’s an honest mistake.

    • #12
  13. tigerlily Member
    tigerlily
    @tigerlily

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    But does she laugh at your jokes? Even more important, has she ever nagged you or criticized you? The first is so much fun, the second is deadly in any relationship.

    No, and no.

    Well, at least she’s never groaned at your jokes either.

    • #13
  14. Fake John/Jane Galt Coolidge
    Fake John/Jane Galt
    @FakeJohnJaneGalt

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t .  Democrats send  voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against.  The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.  

    • #14
  15. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t . Democrats send voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against. The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.

    I have never understood why there are open primaries.

    • #15
  16. Gary Robbins Reagan
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t . Democrats send voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against. The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.

    I have never understood why there are open primaries.

    However when your state party abolishes your presidential primaries, you are just asking your voters to go elsewhere.  See AK, AZ, KS, NV, and SC.

     

    • #16
  17. CB Toder aka Mama Toad Member
    CB Toder aka Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    My 13 year old son is a thoughtful, generous, kind-hearted soul who likes to give his money to religious groups who direct mail.

    Somehow they’ve decided he’s married too, so now about half our mail is for Mr. and Mrs. JP Toder. I tell him that I can’t wait to meet her.

    • #17
  18. OkieSailor Member
    OkieSailor
    @OkieSailor

    Every database is rife with bogus entries for the simple reason that it costs little to enter one, much to find and remove and the frustration caused by ignoring them is born by others. Your good humor seems to me the only sane way to deal with this situation. 

    • #18
  19. WillowSpring Member
    WillowSpring
    @WillowSpring

    Oh my…… That is actually my wife’s name!  We’ve been married 47 years, so I think I’m safe, but I will be keeping a closer eye on her for a while.  I just checked and she is on the porch watching birds.

    • #19
  20. Cato Rand Member
    Cato Rand
    @CatoRand

    I don’t know.  Somehow they got my cell number.  I’m getting a never ending stream of texts asking for money that some obscure billionaire is going to MATCH 5X!!!!!  Blocking the number doesn’t seem to work.  It just comes from a new number.

    • #20
  21. James Lileks Contributor
    James Lileks
    @jameslileks

    At the age of ten my daughter gave the name Kate Radical when she entered a contest at the mall. We’ve gotten mail for Kate ever since. It intensified the last few years, with many enticements from online colleges and offers of substantial student loans.

    • #21
  22. David Foster Member
    David Foster
    @DavidFoster

    I get at least 5-10 pounds of political mail per week, and most of it shows a complete absence of marketing creativity.

    Do the people who run these campaigns really think anyone is going to be impressed by an envelope that says “HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL” and a 23-digital serial number?  Or a legend that says “It is Illegal to Interrupt or Delay This Document!”?

     

    • #22
  23. Misthiocracy grudgingly Member
    Misthiocracy grudgingly
    @Misthiocracy

    Gary Robbins (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Ask for an absentee ballot.

    Hey, Clifford’s not a Democrat!

    Gail might be.

    • #23
  24. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t . Democrats send voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against. The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.

    It might be interesting to check with the county registrar to see if someone has set up a fake voter registration for the purpose of committing vote fraud.

    • #24
  25. Misthiocracy grudgingly Member
    Misthiocracy grudgingly
    @Misthiocracy

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):

    She is most likely a Democrat voter.

    Well then, this must be the big outreach campaign by the GOP. Trust me, the DNC ain’t filling my mailbox. E-mailbox, yes. Physical mailbox, no.

    Sorry, we have this in my neck of the woods, maybe others don’t . Democrats send voters into GOP primaries to select the candidate they want to run against. The GOP picks up the new voter in the primary and sets off the funding marketing campaign.

    I have never understood why there are open primaries.

    There’s a reason why there’s a $10 fee to join a Canadian political party.  It’s a symbolic gesture that helps cut down on that sort of shenanigan.  Sorta like the nominal fee to join Ricochet.

    • #25
  26. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    James Lileks (View Comment):

    At the age of ten my daughter gave the name Kate Radical when she entered a contest at the mall. We’ve gotten mail for Kate ever since. It intensified the last few years, with many enticements from online colleges and offers of substantial student loans.

    There was a guy a few years back who was getting them for his dog. I think it was something like “Roscoe Anderson.”

     

    • #26
  27. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    It’s fascinating the assumptions and connections that come through mailing lists.

    When our son was young (5 – 8 years old) his step-grandfather was actively sailing a 30 foot boat, and our son loved to sail with him. At our son’s request we got him subscriptions to a couple of yachting magazines.

    Our young son started getting direct mail advertisements for financial planning (including retirement planning), high end real estate, exotic travel opportunities, luxury cars, airplanes, and other goods and services reflecting assumptions that he was a wealthy older man.

    • #27
  28. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    It’s fascinating the assumptions and connections that come through mailing lists.

    When our son was young (5 – 8 years old) his step-grandfather was actively sailing a 30 foot boat, and our son loved to sail with him. At our son’s request we got him subscriptions to a couple of yachting magazines.

    Our young son started getting direct mail advertisements for financial planning (including retirement planning), high end real estate, exotic travel opportunities, luxury cars, airplanes, and other goods and services reflecting assumptions that he was a wealthy older man.

    Did you call him Commodore?

    • #28
  29. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Since you’ve acquired this wife, shouldn’t you have noticed that your socks and underwear get picked up from the floor, the living quarters are more tidy, and maybe more decorations with flowers or cute stuffed animals? Have you noticed less closet space available for your clothes?

    Have you noticed a new small dog on the premises? Or is she like my new daughter-in-law who brought two 100 pound dogs into the marriage?

    • #29
  30. JamesSalerno Coolidge
    JamesSalerno
    @JamesSalerno

    James Lileks (View Comment):

    At the age of ten my daughter gave the name Kate Radical when she entered a contest at the mall. We’ve gotten mail for Kate ever since. It intensified the last few years, with many enticements from online colleges and offers of substantial student loans.

    That is an amazing name.

    • #30

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