Bye-Kus

 

One of the many depressing features about this election cycle is the absence of James Taranto’s “Best of the Web” column, which would print haikus whenever a presidential candidate dropped out of the race.

Friday morning, New York City mayor and noted groundhog assassin Bill de Blasio dropped out (no doubt another victim of the unstoppable Joe Sestak juggernaut). This has some personal meaning for me. As you might guess from the profile picture, the groundhog is my spirit animal: I’m hairy, I’m from Pennsylvania, and I look funny when I run. Anyway, in the spirit of Mr. Taranto:

Now he has more time
To devote to mayor tasks;
Eight whole hours, perhaps?

And for his fellow New York flop, Kirsten Gillibrand:

Dem base believes all
Women who accuse, except
When it’s Al Franken.

Mike Gravel:

Palin no longer
Craziest Alaska pol
(She, at least, is hot.)

John Hickenlooper:

D.C. hipsters mourn;
White House will not now become
A home brewery.

Jay Inslee:

Follows own advice,
Helps environment by not
Giving off hot air.

Seth Moulton:

Mass pols usually
Concede on election night;
Marines are faster.

(By the way, Moulton dropped out the day David Koch died. It would be presumptive of me to suggest that Koch immediately ascended to heaven and began performing miracles, but a liberal Massachusetts politician did stop spending money unsustainably within hours of his death, so draw your own conclusions.)

And finally, the first dropout, Eric Swalwell:

Would nuke NRA,
Drops out first; what happened to
Truman Democrats?

Published in Elections
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There are 25 comments.

  1. Arahant Member

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    • #1
    • September 20, 2019, at 7:42 AM PDT
    • Like
  2. James Gawron Thatcher

    Jeff Ditzler: This morning, New York City mayor and noted groundhog assassin Bill de Blasio dropped out (no doubt another victim of the unstoppable Joe Sestak juggernaut). This has some personal meaning for me. As you might guess from the profile picture, the groundhog is my spirit animal: I’m hairy, I’m from Pennsylvania, and I look funny when I run.

    Jeff,

    In the spirit of groundhogs everywhere I would like to second your sentiments here. A brutal groundhog assassin has no place in the White House. We’ve all dodged quite a bullet excepting the poor city of New York. The big putz is going back to NYC now to screw it up even more than he already has.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #2
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:00 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  3. KentForrester Coolidge

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    Of all the people in the world, only Arahant understands what his response means. 

    • #3
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:06 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  4. DonG Coolidge

    It is a good week for Iowa folks. First the California travel ban and now they are rid of Mayor Bill. Make Iowa great again.

    • #4
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:07 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  5. Arahant Member

    Hickioh dickioh
    Billy de Blasio
    Unpresidentially
    Worked up a sweat.

    Early to rise one day
    Called off his campaign run.
    See him no more we will:
    All in his debt.

    Eh, not great, but given the conditions. 🤷‍♂️

    • #5
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:16 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  6. Arahant Member

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    Of all the people in the world, only Arahant understands what his response means.

    No, lots of formalists will understand the double dactyl.

    • #6
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:18 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  7. RushBabe49 Thatcher

    Actually, Taranto did not do those Bye-Kus, they were, and are, done by a reader named Myles C. Pollin, and I believe he is still doing them on occasion.

    I agree that Freeman does not have Taranto’s sense of humor-he is much too solemn.

    • #7
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:23 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  8. Stad Thatcher

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    Of all the people in the world, only Arahant understands what his response means.

    No, lots of formalists will understand the double dactyl.

    And paleontologists will understand the pterodactyl . . .

    • #8
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:26 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  9. Arahant Member

    Stad (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    Of all the people in the world, only Arahant understands what his response means.

    No, lots of formalists will understand the double dactyl.

    And paleontologists will understand the pterodactyl . . .

    And mathematicians will understand the very best fractal.

    • #9
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:28 AM PDT
    • Like
  10. KentForrester Coolidge

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    Of all the people in the world, only Arahant understands what his response means.

    No, lots of formalists will understand the double dactyl.

    I was wondering about the connection between the double dactyl and deBlasio. That’s the mystery. 

    • #10
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:50 AM PDT
    • Like
  11. Arahant Member

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I was wondering about the connection between the double dactyl and deBlasio. That’s the mystery.

    His name is (or can be) a double dactyl, in other words, dactylic dimeter. And it’s a great form when someone has such a name.

    • #11
    • September 20, 2019, at 8:55 AM PDT
    • Like
  12. James Gawron Thatcher

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I was wondering about the connection between the double dactyl and deBlasio. That’s the mystery.

    His name is (or can be) a double dactyl, in other words, dactylic dimeter. And it’s a great form when someone has such a name.

    Ari,

    That’s very interesting. I think they called him “Big Stupid” in college.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #12
    • September 20, 2019, at 9:03 AM PDT
    • Like
  13. Arahant Member

    James Gawron (View Comment):
    I think they called him “Big Stupid” in college.

    Good luck making a poem out of that.

    • #13
    • September 20, 2019, at 9:12 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  14. Juliana Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    James Gawron (View Comment):
    I think they called him “Big Stupid” in college.

    Good luck making a poem out of that.

    I think I just heard the sound of a gauntlet being thrown.

    • #14
    • September 20, 2019, at 9:34 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  15. KentForrester Coolidge

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I was wondering about the connection between the double dactyl and deBlasio. That’s the mystery.

    His name is (or can be) a double dactyl, in other words, dactylic dimeter. And it’s a great form when someone has such a name.

    I read his name as simply two iambs. 

    • #15
    • September 20, 2019, at 9:36 AM PDT
    • Like
  16. Arahant Member

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I read his name as simply two iambs. 

    Warrén Wilhélm? I guess you could do that.

    • #16
    • September 20, 2019, at 10:33 AM PDT
    • Like
  17. Stad Thatcher

    Arahant (View Comment):

    James Gawron (View Comment):
    I think they called him “Big Stupid” in college.

    Good luck making a poem out of that.

    Or a limerick . . .

    • #17
    • September 20, 2019, at 11:54 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  18. KentForrester Coolidge

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I read his name as simply two iambs.

    Warrén Wilhélm? I guess you could do that.

    Warren Wilhellm is two trochees. 

    • #18
    • September 20, 2019, at 1:25 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  19. Arahant Member

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I read his name as simply two iambs.

    Warrén Wilhélm? I guess you could do that.

    Warren Wilhellm is two trochees.

    Depends on how one accents the syllábles.

    • #19
    • September 20, 2019, at 1:33 PM PDT
    • Like
  20. KentForrester Coolidge

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I read his name as simply two iambs.

    Warrén Wilhélm? I guess you could do that.

    Warren Wilhellm is two trochees.

    Depends on how one accents the syllábles.

    In English, the stress falls naturally on the first syllables. In German I’m pretty sure it’s the same.

    • #20
    • September 20, 2019, at 4:25 PM PDT
    • Like
  21. Arahant Member

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    In English, the stress falls naturally on the first syllables. In German I’m pretty sure it’s the same.

    Seriously, Kent, think of with whom you are conversing. 😜🤣😁

    • #21
    • September 20, 2019, at 7:00 PM PDT
    • Like
  22. KentForrester Coolidge

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    In English, the stress falls naturally on the first syllables. In German I’m pretty sure it’s the same.

    Seriously, Kent, think of with whom you are conversing. 😜🤣😁

    Arahant, I think of you always. Wait, that didn’t sound right. I should have said that I’m always aware of your expertise in metrics.

    Now I want you to “think of with whom you are conversing.” Criminently that sounds awkward.

    • #22
    • September 20, 2019, at 7:47 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  23. Arahant Member

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I should have said that I’m always aware of your expertise in metrics.

    But also never forget my expertise in teasing and silliness.

    • #23
    • September 20, 2019, at 7:52 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  24. Podkayne of Israel Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I think deBlasio deserves more of a double-dactyl.

    Of all the people in the world, only Arahant understands what his response means.

    No, lots of formalists will understand the double dactyl.

    “Outfielder, outfielder”

    (Thanks to the late Herman Wouk.)

    • #24
    • September 21, 2019, at 11:14 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  25. Slow on the uptake Thatcher

    Say whaaat?

    • #25
    • September 21, 2019, at 5:47 PM PDT
    • Like