Never Let a Crisis Go to Waste: Investment Opportunities in Stupid

 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the esteemed Congresswoman from NYC, recently stated that Miami has only a few years until it is inundated by rapidly rising sea levels caused by climate change. As a member of the House of Representatives with access to virtually all the finest government information sources, as a member of the Party of Science, and a trained economist, her take on this issue has to be regarded as highly informed. More importantly for our purposes here, many people (potential investors) might believe it is correct and I urge Ricochetti to recognize the investment opportunities this creates.

Some will discount my advice because my proposed Baffin Bay tropical resort has not yet got off the ground. But if you believe in the climate crisis and the rate of warming inherent in the crisis, there will indeed be palm trees in northern Manitoba in our lifetime. So, when Nunavut turns tropical and Canadian wahines are serving mai tais to my hotel guests on Manitung island (Cha-ching, baby!!) don’t say you were not tipped to the opportunity. Timing is pretty key. Not sure how much longer the pool of potential investors will believe the crisis is imminent but in the meantime, every published picture of a dead polar bear is money in the bank as far as I am concerned.

Rep. Ocasio-Cortez apparently knows more about sea-level rise than most “experts” who predict that the oceans will continue their long-established rise of 1 foot or less per century with perhaps a modest increase in that rate. The “experts” would, therefore, predict that downtown Miami (roughly 20 feet or more on average above sea level) is doomed in about 2,400 years, not the imminent inundation that Rep. Ocasio-Cortez has carefully calculated.

If Miami goes, that leaves some high ground around Miami Lakes or a stretch up toward Port St. Lucie but at the rate of inundation predicted by Dr. Ocasio-Cortez, those are lousy investments both because they are currently pricey and at Ocasio-Cortez rates of sea-level increase they will be underwater shortly after Miami. Looking up the coast northward the good news is that Atlantic City will be gone (seriously, would anybody miss it?) even before Miami but inland new Jersey will probably be mostly islands. Tougher to lock up the real estate but maybe worth it for future Jeffrey Epstein-type buyers in NYC who would go nuts for the whole private island thing. Speaking of NYC, AOC’s home district is mostly 80 feet or more above sea level (except for Rikers island, a bastion of Democratic voters which has about the same elevation as Miami) so the NY 14th will likely survive until almost the end of the century.

So Ricochetti, we need suggestions for currently undervalued properties with enough elevation to be beachfront when the Ocasio-Cortez scenario comes to fruition. We will market on Twitter, NYT, Hollywood Reporter, and Variety. With token donations or stock options tossed to the right NGOs and green hustlers non-profit activist groups, we might get celebs (even Greta Thunberg!) to pitch for us.

We need to act soon because roughly about the time Miami doesn’t disappear under the waves, the number of suckers concerned persons who are our target market may disappear. I suspect people are getting tired of looking at the emperor’s naked backside and pretending not to notice.

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There are 14 comments.

  1. Jimmy Carter Member

    Old Bathos: downtown Miami (roughly 20-feet or more on average about sea level) is doomed in about 2,400 years

    And I can finally get out of that time share. 

    • #1
    • September 17, 2019, at 8:25 AM PDT
    • 9 likes
  2. James Gawron Thatcher

    OldB,

    I think we need new “Dingbat” legislation. Everyone is entitled to make a minor gaff every so often. However, something as absurd as the Green New Deal or calling the holding areas at the border “concentration camps” are way past a minor gaff. These are major events where someone is screaming the sky is falling, the sky is falling! If such a Dingbat can’t be restrained by normal social censure than an intervention must take place.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #2
    • September 17, 2019, at 9:00 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  3. Bishop Wash Member

    Old Bathos: Some will discount my advice because my proposed Baffin Bay tropical resort has not yet got off the ground. But if you believe in the climate crisis and the rate of warming inherent in the crisis, there will indeed be palm trees in northern Manitoba in our lifetime. So, when Nunavut turns tropical and Canadian wahines are serving mai tais to my hotel guests on Manitung island (Cha-ching, baby!!) don’t say you were not tipped to the opportunity.

    When Dale on King of the Hill was confronted with the global warming scare he replied, “We’ll grow oranges in Alaska.”.

    • #3
    • September 17, 2019, at 10:35 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  4. GrannyDude Member

    I’m thinking my house will be beachfront property…and we’ll be growing oranges before the next grandchild comes along! 

    • #4
    • September 17, 2019, at 2:48 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  5. Metalheaddoc Member

    I wish some of these Corporately Woke banks would put their money where their mouth is. Stop giving out loans and mortgages that last longer than 12 years when the (per AOC) world ends. Lets see how their business goes. 

    • #5
    • September 17, 2019, at 6:31 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  6. The Reticulator Member

    Old Bathos: Manitung island

    In case anyone is wondering, there is no etymological connection with Manitoulin Island. (I looked it up.)

    • #6
    • September 17, 2019, at 7:01 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  7. Mike Rapkoch Member

    Pray, if you got em:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrVeZHFYnQ

    • #7
    • September 18, 2019, at 1:38 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  8. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos Post author

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    Old Bathos: Manitung island

    In case anyone is wondering, there is no etymological connection with Manitoulin Island. (I looked it up.)

    Lots of underused property along coast of Baffin Bay. Picked an island to keep separate from unwashed hordes of northbound climate refugees.

    • #8
    • September 18, 2019, at 3:00 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  9. MACHO GRANDE' (aka - Chri… Coolidge

    When do the southern Florida evacuations start?

    • #9
    • September 18, 2019, at 3:41 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  10. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos Post author

    MACHO GRANDE' (aka – Chri… (View Comment):

    When do the southern Florida evacuations start?

    Right after Bernie is sworn in. It will be important to get everybody out so no eyewitnesses can contradict the official story of flooding. It will be a government con job on an even bigger scale than faking the moon landings or claiming the Great Society wasa success.

    • #10
    • September 18, 2019, at 6:03 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  11. Samuel Block Member

    In Miami’s Little Haiti neighborhood, real estate has boomed because of its relative elevation. “Climate Gentrification” has become the buzzword – because everyone knows that the former Lemon City has always been home to indigenous Floridian Haitians. 

    Ian was right. Stupid finds a way!

    • #11
    • September 18, 2019, at 9:49 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  12. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos Post author

    Samuel Block (View Comment):

    In Miami’s Little Haiti neighborhood, real estate has boomed because of its relative elevation. “Climate Gentrification” has become the buzzword – because everyone knows that the former Lemon City has always been home to indigenous Floridian Haitians.

    Ian was right. Stupid finds a way!

    Not fair for Haitians to occupy the sparse Florida higher ground when their homeland has hills and mountains. Port Au Prince, of course, will be drowned when the AOC-calculated tides roll in but most of the rest of the island will largely remain above water. There are no mountainous areas near Miami. Maybe climate warriors will insist on Haitians’ return to the safety of their homeland ASAP.

    • #12
    • September 18, 2019, at 10:18 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  13. Samuel Block Member

    GrannyDude (View Comment):

    I’m thinking my house will be beachfront property…and we’ll be growing oranges before the next grandchild comes along!

    Ah! And by then we can even replace the quaint sounding “beachfront property” to the more accurate deathfront – or maybe swellfront if we don’t want to be too blunt about it. Instead of higher property taxes, the government will send you a check for your brave service. The possibilities are endless!

    • #13
    • September 18, 2019, at 10:41 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  14. Samuel Block Member

    Old Bathos (View Comment):

    Samuel Block (View Comment):

    In Miami’s Little Haiti neighborhood, real estate has boomed because of its relative elevation. “Climate Gentrification” has become the buzzword – because everyone knows that the former Lemon City has always been home to indigenous Floridian Haitians.

    Ian was right. Stupid finds a way!

    Not fair for Haitians to occupy the sparse Florida higher ground when their homeland has hills and mountains. Port Au Prince, of course, will be drowned when the AOC-calculated tides roll in but most of the rest of the island will largely remain above water. There are no mountainous areas near Miami. Maybe climate warriors will insist on Haitians’ return to the safety of their homeland ASAP.

    Fair is fair.

    • #14
    • September 18, 2019, at 10:42 AM PDT
    • 1 like