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Portland Through the Eyes of a Conservative
Why does a conservative guy like me love a liberal city like Portland? Let me explain.
The New York Times has long been infatuated with Portland, running numerous features on the city over the years, probably because Portland is a “cute” city, a quirky and lefty sort of place. Unfortunately, every time they run a feature on Portland, they seem to mention the quirky and liberal Voodoo Doughnuts, like it’s somehow the quintessence of the city.
So now, every time some tourist hits town, he thinks he has to go to Voodoo Doughnuts to buy some kind of pretentious donut, like the Dead Elvis (peanut butter, etc.) and the Frudoo (topped with colored Cheerios). Every day The Times readers line up and clog the sidewalk, as you see below, stretching back almost to Burnside.
If they read The Times, they’re probably lefties of one stripe or another. So there we have it: a lefty queue inches toward a lefty donut store in a lefty town. It’s a scene out of hell.
I make it a point never to go to Voodoo Doughnuts. In fact, when I walk past in the mornings, I mutter, loud enough for those close by to hear, “Damned Commie donut munchers! Go back to Tribeca where you belong.” (At least that’s what I would say if I were a more self-confident conservative.)
We had one of our almost weekly protests in Portland last week. About a hundred eco-warriors showed up to “inform” the mayor and city council that Portland needs to do more to “save the planet.” They even chipped in to buy an old bus so that they could block the street.
I don’t know why they were so upset. The Portland poobahs were already down with saving the planet. In fact, Portland recently struck a blow for Mother Earth by banning plastic straws and plastic cutlery. Restaurants can now be fined up to 500 bucks for giving a customer a plastic straw when he didn’t ask for it.
“No straws for you, earth despoiler. I don’t use a straw, so you don’t need one either.”
How did straw-banning become a thing? For one thing, it’s hip and faddy. A number of Hollywood stars have already declared that they will no longer suck on plastic straws. This was after someone found a turtle off the coast of Costa Rica with a straw up his nose. Let’s see now: One turtle near Costa Rica gets a straw up his nose, and cities all over the U.S. ban plastic straws. Makes sense to me.
As I watch the latest eco-protest pass by, I mutter under my breath the all-purpose phrase that springs to the mind of old conservatives like me: “Damned hippies.”
It’s not all bad. Here’s a shot of a naked woman protestor. I’m not sure what she’s protesting. Does it matter? She’s socking it to the man. Those breasts are weapons aimed at the patriarchy.
Happily, despite pretentious donut makers, constant protests, and a few aggressive bums, the old pre-woke Portland is still there for conservatives to enjoy. It just lies underneath a thick veneer of political correctness and incurable quirkiness.
Old Portland is represented by, among other things, the statue of a man on horseback in the South Park Blocks (Teddy Roosevelt, looking awfully bully) the steel facades of 19th-century buildings on First Avenue, and some terribly unwoke water fountains.
There are 52 of these “Benson Bubblers” in the downtown area. (They were originally donated to the city in 1912 by a Portland businessman who thought he could save the working class from alcoholism by providing them convenient places to drink water. I think that was naive, don’t you?) These faucets are on all the time. Yes, 52 fountains in the city, most having four faucets like the one below, pouring out water twenty-four hours a day.
Let’s see now: a single faucet bubbles up about a gallon a minute. That’s 60 gallons an hour, 1,440 gallons per day. I hardly ever see anyone drinking from the Benson Bubblers. I think they get a few sips a day. That’s a few sips for every 1,440 gallons of water that goes down the drain. That must drive the eco-warriors crazy. So I experience a tiny frisson of pleasure every time I pass a Benson Bubbler, where I am reminded that an eco-warrior probably got his panties in a twist as he walked by the constantly flowing faucets. We few conservatives in Portland have to get our little pleasures where we can.
Portland has lots to admire. We have more brewpubs (our nickname is Beervana) per capita than any city in the U.S. We also have a thriving bookstore, Powell’s, the largest private bookstore in the U.S. We have a great waterfront to stroll down and lots of interesting statues throughout the city. Here’s a fish restaurant with a fish through its wall.
And below you see one of Portland’s traditional heroic statues, The Promised Land, that depicts a family on the Oregon Trail. The male points the way, an affront to every member of the sisterhood in Portland. The young lad holds a Bible, an affront to every atheist in the city. The wife is leaning on her man for support, an affront to every feminist in the city. And finally, there is a rifle propped up against the wagon wheel, an affront to every anti-gun advocate in town. Now that is what I call a pleasing statue laden with conservative imagery.
One might think that the statue of Miss Portlandia in front of the Portland Building represents female empowerment. No, no. It actually represents conservative values. You see, Miss Portlandia is based on the image of the Queen of Commerce from Oregon’s Seal, designed in 1878. Miss Portlandia is, in effect, a sculptural ode to buying and selling.
So you see, if you look hard enough you’ll discover conservative ideas and objects all over Portland. I’ve lived in eight cities in the U.S., from Orono, Maine, to Los Angeles, but Portland is my favorite. I don’t pay any attention to the antics of the Mayor and his minions on the City Council, all relentless lefties. But the city is fun for an old guy like me to walk around in, and that’s enough for me.
Published in General
All I know is that the Dream of the 1890’s is alive in Portland.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_HGqPGp9iY
I’ll be in PDX soon for the first time in fifteen years or so for a week-long training at the Rescue Mission. We’re staying nearby – at quite un-Mission like prices – and I’m bracing myself for the walk to work/class. Thanks for giving me fun things to look for!
Thanks, Kent, for another missive that has been awarded the coveted “Really Like” from one of Ricochet’s highly regarded critics. Take out one logically suspect sentence (about something being a thing because it is hip and faddy) and it would be up for a “Hoo Boy”.
(It was also about 2 * pi/360, in plan view, from being awarded the coveted “Removed” from one or more of Ricochet’s highly regarded moderators.)
Powell’s has long been my favorite.
As for the fish sculpture, the restaurant there used to be the Heathman B. Moloch Pub & Grill. It was the Heathman Hotel’s casual dining spot as opposed to their more refined (and expense) restaurant at the Heathman Hotel. In high school, my friends and I liked to go to the latter for late night non-alcoholic drinks. One night I stole an ashtray (I’ve gotten rid of it since). The B. Moloch is not too long a walk down the Portland Park blocks from Portland State University which I attended for a time. Between classes I’d wander to the B. Moloch and get a couple pints as their bar had a decent selection of microbrews and the bartender liked my opinion on them at the time. Eventually the owners decided microbrews were going out of style and Oregon wines were going into style and changed to that. The fish was there long before it was a seafood restaurant.
The Park Blocks in the 90’s were great to walk down. The streets were a little less busy, and there were only a couple of homeless who wandered the streets then, and they tended to stay out of the way. Back in the nineties I’d walk around town all the time (even late at night) and never really worried about much — I probably should have but there you go.
I continue to compile factoids for my soon-to-be explosive Ricochet post on the link between the left and the micro-brewery fad. Thanks for the tip on Portland.
Of those you’ve visited, what would you say the ratio of IPAs to non-IPAs is?
Hoyacon, I think you are onto something.
Mark, I don’t know, but it seems like IPAs are all the thing these days. Even my wife drinks them.
A statue to the oppression of indigenous peoples?!?! Gone in 5…4…3…2…
Bridgetown had a great seasonal IPA, but they’re gone, sadly.
Funny, but in the 90’s when the microbrewery craze was taking off, IPAs were not so common. In fact, two of the larger micros were Widmer and Deschutes Brew Co. Widmer’s Hefeweizen used to be in just about every resturant in the Portland Metro Area that served beer. Deschutes Black Butte Porter was a close second.
Around the 21st century things settled down, but more breweries open. As I’ve noted elsewhere, hops grows really well in Oregon, so bitters – IPAs or ESBs – are an easy way for a new brewery to break into the micro world and have distinct flavor (so distinct it’s like every other mircobrews). The result is that we’re flooded with hoppy beers.
Mr. Douglas, walking Portland is still a pleasure. The bums don’t bother me at all. In fact, I like to hear their stories. I sometimes say, “I’ll give you a buck if you will tell me how you ended up on the streets.” I’m sincerely curious.
Put a cell phone in that man’s hand and they’re modern tourists.
Don, I hope you’re not right. I just hate the pulling down of statues around the U.S. We let the Left get away with too much.
Removing a statue is a little like Stalin removing people he’s had killed from group photographs.
However, even in the 90’s, walking alone from Chinatown to the Southwest Corner of PSU at midnight is generally a foolhardy endeavor which I never seemed to regret.
In spite of your praise for Portland, I think I’d drink, too, if I lived there.
I didn’t expect that last subordinate clause.
Portland’s Chinatown, as it stands now, has to be the worst Chinatown in the U.S. It’s been declining for years, and now the few remaining Chinese establishments have all moved out to 82nd Street on the east side.
It does have an impressive entry gate, though.
I don’t understand why microbrewing, which is the highest ambition of the hipster progressive class is so venerated. They don’t understand enough about brewing science to know that they are helping to destroy Mother Gaia.
Brewing requires cultivating yeast, which produces CO2, which is “very bad” according to their religion. Yet they pump it out in vast quantities with every batch of craft IPA they make.
We may only have 11 years instead of 12 because of the left’s obsession with brewing.
Now, now, Susan. It’s all in your attitude. As a onetime Buddhist, you know that full well. Peace out.
If I only had 11 years left I’d have a drink too.
Dan, darn, I should have included a couple of paragraphs about microbrews. You had to do it for me.
Quiet you. I like my beer, and I don’t want them to catch on.
Oh yeah. It’s a gorgeous gate, and they even had great phone booths back in the day. My dad took us there a couple of times when it was still a great place for Chinese and had something of a population that matched its name. But yes, as it stands it’s now the worst Chinatown in the US.
However, it borders Old Town Portland which has one of the best pizza places there.
I envy people who live in Portland. I’ve always wanted to see the Portland Japanese Gardens. My kids visited once years ago, and they said it exceeds its visitors’ expectations:
(Photo by Kengo Kuma, Portland Japanese Garden)
And the International Rose Test Garden.
My only complaint with Portland is that people seldom put “Oregon” after it, and Portland, Maine, is a relatively significant city too with its own gorgeous gardens. :-) I’m never sure which one writers mean. :-)
Forget it, Jake. (obligatory)
The Japanese Gardens have been one of my favorite places to go in the city. I took my lovely wife Amanda there and it happened to be on a day when the crowds were insane. I’d never seen it so crowded, and that was her first impression. I never got a chance to share the tranquil gardens as I recall them.
Similarly, I took her to the Multnomah Falls a not-too-long a drive east of Portland. Again, it was so terribly crowded that the beauty of the place didn’t make as much an impression.
The Rose Gardens in Washington Park are a wonderful place to visit as well when the roses are in bloom. It used to be that you could take the train from the zoo and stop there, or take the train from the gardens to the zoo. However, it was decided to diminish the zoo train’s presence in the area. There’s a petition to keep its expanded loop through Washington Park, but I suspect it’ll do no good. Once officials in the Portland area decide to do something, the voice of the people are as effective as the buzzing of flies.
I grew up there. It is so beautiful that people worship nature instead of G-d.
And now everyone is so baked that the entire state thinks, talks and drives in slow motion. I get crazy minutes after landing, eager to get out, back to where people would rather get things done than grow and smoke another variant of leaf.
Ah, but it helps to create the “crisis,” which they will then “solve” through regulation. It’s a distinctly left-wing methodology. But what would you expect, given that Cascade hops–a major craft component– thrive in the distinctly liberal state of Oregon, while Anchor Steam–regarded by many as the first craft beer–had it’s roots in the distinctly liberal city of San Francisco. Coincidences? I think not.
But then I’m giving away some of my research for my expose of the craft beer “industry” (cabal). Where is Tail Gunner Joe when you need him?
You’re right, Marci, and I spent two years in Orono and taught a class in Portland, Maine.
A person should write “Portland, Oregon” the first time he refers to that city, and then he can write “Portland” the rest of the time.
Portland, Maine, has gorgeous gardens?
The Japanese Gardens in Portland, Oregon, are well worth a trip to see.