First, my family did not benefit from owning slaves (at least not for the past millennia or so, what happened before that time is hard to say). Living in the South, they were early members of the Resistance Movement against John C. Calhoun. They cleared land, farmed and built everything themselves. They missed out on the economic bonanza of King Cotton and tobacco. They were focused on feeding people, growing animals, and making tools for themselves and others.
(Full Disclosure: They used mules. For those who believe in the rights of animals, an argument can be made these animals deserve compensation. I will take a portion of what you give me and give it to the descendants of mules or those who support mules – like Democrat politicians who expect to cash in on the reparations movement.).
Second, though they were Southerners, my family fought for the Union, were wounded and suffered enormous pain, amputations, and hardship freeing the slaves (except for that one black-sheep relative, Robert E. Lee, who was temporarily confused about what country he lived in — Virginia was not his country; it was his home and state). They also had to sleep on the ground for months with fleas, ticks, and skeeters while conducting military operations against their former neighbors. All this cost them earnings, depleted family savings, diminished my family’s wealth and my inheritance, and harmed their health, which may have been passed on to me. A few free nights at the Holiday Inn might be nice recompense for their sacrifice.
Third, my family suffered immeasurably resisting slavery in the South and were ostracized for their stand for generations. Church ice cream socials were misery for us. Some free Fro Yo coupons could help soothe this memory. (Actually, I have no memory of this, but you can rest assured I will conjure one up if I am called to testify before Congress.)
Fourth, long before slavery, my forefathers endured the hardship of coming to America on cramped ships, labored settling the land, and faced deprivation, plague, and pestilence (all without cable, flat screens or cell phones). This restricted and diminished the capital and property of their estates and led to my current predicament. At a very minimum, this entitles my family to some form of compensation. Three free months of internet service might be a start, but I am going to encourage all of you to come up with something you think is fair. The NFL TV package would be much appreciated.
Fifth, my family continues to suffer. But now it is from the government’s oppression. The affirmative action, disfavor, and prejudice demonstrated against us in order to advance others solely due to their gender, race, or their illegal status is intolerable. Apparently, all men were not created equal in 1776 and are still not equal today — and the government remains determined to keep it that way. So help a fella out.
Elizabeth Warren is creating more classes and intersections to be compensated for their suffering. You can be assured that sooner or later I will be caught up in her net. And when I am, I intend to make you pay dearly. So settle this matter now and shell out some money. If you do, I promise not to sock it to you later. Scouts honor.
Note: I accept Bitcoin but prefer small denomination currency. No credit cards or checks. Need to keep this on the down-low. And no coins!Published in