- In an ideal world, would anyone own handguns?
To quote Madison, “If men were angels, no government would be necessary.” Including the president. “If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary.” In an ‘ideal’ world, guns would be irrelevant, since no one would misuse them. Unfortunately, this is not an ‘ideal’ world and never will be. The philosophy that you can make the world ‘ideal’ has killed more people than guns ever will.
- Would your focus be improving the Affordable Care Act or replacing it with single payer?
Why is there no third, fourth or fifth option? Is healthcare so simple that there is only two ways of dealing with it?
- Do you think it’s possible for the next president to stop climate change?
I’m not sure, but I’ll get on it as soon as I cure cancer.
- Do you think Israel meets international standards for human rights?
Since the New York Times apparently does not have international correspondents anymore, let me tell you about some of the things that are going on in the world. There have been attacks on oil tankers, possibly instigated by Iran. China is saber-rattling in the South China Sea, encroaching on its neighbors, especially The Philippines. China is also facing popular opposition in Hong Kong. Syria, Yemen, and Libya are undergoing civil wars. Venezuela is collapsing and the failed socialist state is being propped up by Cuba, Russia and Iran, again. Saudi Arabia is supporting one of the sides in Yemen, opposed by Iran, yet again. Saudi Arabia is also in conflict with Qatar and Turkey. There are still enclaves of the Islamic state in Iraq. Turkey, Syria, Iraq and Iran (!) continue to have disagreements with the Kurds. There is ongoing revolutionary violence in The Philippines, Congo, Indonesia, Mali, Eritrea and South Sudan. Russia is still in conflict with Ukraine, and is also pressuring Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. North Korea is a slave state with nuclear weapons. Zimbabwe is a kleptocracy. South Africa has started expropriating farmland. New Zealand has curtailed speech and gun rights by fiat. India recently had a national election and is continuing to have a simmering border dispute with Pakistan. There were massive terrorist attacks in Sri Lanka. Egypt just had a former president die under suspicious circumstances while on trial. Australia had a national election with surprising results. The Prime Minister of Great Britain just resigned amid ongoing upheaval about Brexit. Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece and Spain are still facing major debt problems. Sweden, Germany, France, Greece, Italy and Spain are having ongoing difficulties due to massive numbers of immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. Mexico and China are having trade difficulties with us. Immigrants from El Salvador, Guatemala and Honduras are flooding into the US due to economic and safety issues in those countries. Israel is one of the most peaceful, prosperous and conflict-free nations in the world. You might as well be asking me about Monaco, Andorra, Lichtenstein, Switzerland or Canada. I find it odd that your focus is on the only Jewish state in the world. Ohhhh, now I see!
- Who is your hero and why?
What is this, the Miss America Contest? That’s just a silly question.
- Would there be American troops in Afghanistan at the end of your first term?
Let me dust off my crystal ball. Hmmm, sorry, it’s a bit cracked, I can’t see into the future.
- How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
I’ve done a deep analysis of this pressing issue and have studied myself extensively. I have also consulted with sleep experts and recorded my sleep regimen on a spreadsheet. As a result, I can tell you conclusively that this question is also silly. I get enough sleep to function. I’m not tired now.
- Do you think illegal immigration is a major problem in the United States?
I will defer to my colleagues in the US House and Senate who have done nothing to reform immigration in the last ten years. If these highly intelligent leaders think it’s not a problem, who am I to contradict them?
- Where would you go on your first international trip a president?
I’ve always wanted to visit the tank museum in Bovington, England, and hey, since it’s on the government’s dime, why not?
- Describe the last time you were embarrassed. Why?
I was just embarrassed right now, for you, because you asked such a stupid question.
- Do you think President Trump has committed crimes in office?
I will again defer to my colleagues in the House who have studied this much more than I have and have not drafted articles of impeachment.
- Do you support or oppose the death penalty?
I think, after due process, everyone who commits a heinous crime should rot in a jail cell, devoid of stimulation, with only the company of loutish guards and criminal psychopaths. This should be the punishment no matter what capital crime you commit: Murder, treason, terrorism, or being inconvenient to your mother.
- Should tech giants like Facebook, Amazon and Google be broken up?
Let’s break Facebook up into four different companies: Facebook, Facebook II, Bookface and Myface. What, you’re on Myface, but your daughter’s on Facebook, your sister’s on Facebook II and your Mom’s on Bookface? Well, just get the app for each one. I’m sure it will work out and having to wade through four times as many alerts will only be slightly more annoying.
- Are you open to expanding the size of the Supreme Court?
Yes. I think there should be 101 members, and also that they have to be at least 65 years old. That way, the Senate will be spending all its time confirming judges instead of passing idiotic legislation.
- When did your family first arrive in the United States and how?
What, is this sponsored by Ancestry.com? What if you don’t know? Who knows when Elizabeth Warren’s ancestor crossed the Bering Strait?
- What is your comfort food on campaign trail?
I can’t imagine a question more stupid and irrelevant than this one.
- What do you do to relax?
But apparently you can.
- Does anyone deserve a billion dollars?
No one “deserves” anything. All anyone needs is a roof over their head, a mat to sleep on, some rough clothing and three bowls of gruel. Oddly enough, in the states that decide what a person “deserves,” a lot of people end up without what they need.
- What is your favorite color?
Oh, come on!!
- What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
African or European? *
The preceding was my answers to a series of questions, with some additions, posed by the New York Times to the Democrat candidates for president. ** I’m not a Democrat,*** so I’m not running for president, leaving aside my total lack of experience and qualifications.**** I’ll still bet you think my answers are better than any of the leftist boilerplate being spouted by the ‘real’ candidates.
* Wouldn’t it be great if the same thing happened to the questioner as in the original?
** Warning: The graphic at the top of this link is truly nauseating. What, you don’t read the footnotes before you click? Well, now you will.
*** Though apparently that’s not a qualification.
**** With the collection of small-town mayors, has-been ex-governors, second-string US senators, third-string US representatives, out-of-touch rich-piggies, and loopy self-improvement gurus in the race, being qualified is apparently not a qualification either.