20 Questions From The New York Times

 
  1. In an ideal world, would anyone own handguns?

To quote Madison, “If men were angels, no government would be necessary.” Including the president. “If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary.” In an ‘ideal’ world, guns would be irrelevant, since no one would misuse them. Unfortunately, this is not an ‘ideal’ world and never will be. The philosophy that you can make the world ‘ideal’ has killed more people than guns ever will.

  1. Would your focus be improving the Affordable Care Act or replacing it with single payer?

Why is there no third, fourth or fifth option? Is healthcare so simple that there is only two ways of dealing with it?

  1. Do you think it’s possible for the next president to stop climate change?

I’m not sure, but I’ll get on it as soon as I cure cancer.

  1. Do you think Israel meets international standards for human rights?

Since the New York Times apparently does not have international correspondents anymore, let me tell you about some of the things that are going on in the world. There have been attacks on oil tankers, possibly instigated by Iran. China is saber-rattling in the South China Sea, encroaching on its neighbors, especially The Philippines. China is also facing popular opposition in Hong Kong. Syria, Yemen, and Libya are undergoing civil wars. Venezuela is collapsing and the failed socialist state is being propped up by Cuba, Russia and Iran, again. Saudi Arabia is supporting one of the sides in Yemen, opposed by Iran, yet again. Saudi Arabia is also in conflict with Qatar and Turkey. There are still enclaves of the Islamic state in Iraq. Turkey, Syria, Iraq and Iran (!) continue to have disagreements with the Kurds. There is ongoing revolutionary violence in The Philippines, Congo, Indonesia, Mali, Eritrea and South Sudan. Russia is still in conflict with Ukraine, and is also pressuring Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. North Korea is a slave state with nuclear weapons. Zimbabwe is a kleptocracy. South Africa has started expropriating farmland. New Zealand has curtailed speech and gun rights by fiat. India recently had a national election and is continuing to have a simmering border dispute with Pakistan. There were massive terrorist attacks in Sri Lanka. Egypt just had a former president die under suspicious circumstances while on trial. Australia had a national election with surprising results. The Prime Minister of Great Britain just resigned amid ongoing upheaval about Brexit. Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece and Spain are still facing major debt problems. Sweden, Germany, France, Greece, Italy and Spain are having ongoing difficulties due to massive numbers of immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. Mexico and China are having trade difficulties with us. Immigrants from El Salvador, Guatemala and Honduras are flooding into the US due to economic and safety issues in those countries. Israel is one of the most peaceful, prosperous and conflict-free nations in the world. You might as well be asking me about Monaco, Andorra, Lichtenstein, Switzerland or Canada. I find it odd that your focus is on the only Jewish state in the world. Ohhhh, now I see!

  1. Who is your hero and why?

What is this, the Miss America Contest? That’s just a silly question.

  1. Would there be American troops in Afghanistan at the end of your first term?

Let me dust off my crystal ball. Hmmm, sorry, it’s a bit cracked, I can’t see into the future. 

  1. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? 

I’ve done a deep analysis of this pressing issue and have studied myself extensively. I have also consulted with sleep experts and recorded my sleep regimen on a spreadsheet. As a result, I can tell you conclusively that this question is also silly. I get enough sleep to function. I’m not tired now.

  1. Do you think illegal immigration is a major problem in the United States?

I will defer to my colleagues in the US House and Senate who have done nothing to reform immigration in the last ten years. If these highly intelligent leaders think it’s not a problem, who am I to contradict them?

  1. Where would you go on your first international trip a president?

I’ve always wanted to visit the tank museum in Bovington, England, and hey, since it’s on the government’s dime, why not?

  1. Describe the last time you were embarrassed. Why?

I was just embarrassed right now, for you, because you asked such a stupid question.

  1. Do you think President Trump has committed crimes in office?

I will again defer to my colleagues in the House who have studied this much more than I have and have not drafted articles of impeachment.

  1. Do you support or oppose the death penalty?

I think, after due process, everyone who commits a heinous crime should rot in a jail cell, devoid of stimulation, with only the company of loutish guards and criminal psychopaths. This should be the punishment no matter what capital crime you commit: Murder, treason, terrorism, or being inconvenient to your mother.

  1. Should tech giants like Facebook, Amazon and Google be broken up?

Let’s break Facebook up into four different companies: Facebook, Facebook II, Bookface and Myface. What, you’re on Myface, but your daughter’s on Facebook, your sister’s on Facebook II and your Mom’s on Bookface? Well, just get the app for each one. I’m sure it will work out and having to wade through four times as many alerts will only be slightly more annoying.

  1. Are you open to expanding the size of the Supreme Court?

Yes. I think there should be 101 members, and also that they have to be at least 65 years old. That way, the Senate will be spending all its time confirming judges instead of passing idiotic legislation.

  1. When did your family first arrive in the United States and how?

What, is this sponsored by Ancestry.com? What if you don’t know? Who knows when Elizabeth Warren’s ancestor crossed the Bering Strait?

  1. What is your comfort food on campaign trail?

I can’t imagine a question more stupid and irrelevant than this one.

  1. What do you do to relax?

But apparently you can.

  1. Does anyone deserve a billion dollars?

No one “deserves” anything. All anyone needs is a roof over their head, a mat to sleep on, some rough clothing and three bowls of gruel. Oddly enough, in the states that decide what a person “deserves,” a lot of people end up without what they need.

  1. What is your favorite color?

Oh, come on!!

  1. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

African or European? *

 

The preceding was my answers to a series of questions, with some additions, posed by the New York Times to the Democrat candidates for president. ** I’m not a Democrat,*** so I’m not running for president, leaving aside my total lack of experience and qualifications.**** I’ll still bet you think my answers are better than any of the leftist boilerplate being spouted by the ‘real’ candidates.

* Wouldn’t it be great if the same thing happened to the questioner as in the original?

** Warning: The graphic at the top of this link is truly nauseating. What, you don’t read the footnotes before you click? Well, now you will.

*** Though apparently that’s not a qualification.

**** With the collection of small-town mayors, has-been ex-governors, second-string US senators, third-string US representatives, out-of-touch rich-piggies, and loopy self-improvement gurus in the race, being qualified is apparently not a qualification either.

 

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There are 36 comments.

  1. 1
  2. 2
  1. Gary McVey Contributor

    I’d say that JosePluma thoroughly nightsticked The New York Times with this witty post. “Nightsticked” is a verb form you will find in no dictionary. Consider it synonymous with a droll NYPD term from the undefined, non-attributable past, “administering a wooden shampoo”. 

    • #1
    • June 20, 2019, at 2:02 AM PDT
    • 19 likes
  2. Hank Rhody-Badenphipps Esq Contributor

    JosePluma: In an ‘ideal’ world, guns would be irrelevant, since no one would misuse them.

    In an ideal world guns would be irrelevant since Mankind would not be subject to death.

    • #2
    • June 20, 2019, at 3:19 AM PDT
    • 8 likes
  3. Jon1979 Lincoln

    The Times, of course, doesn’t deign itself to answer questions from others, in the same way the paper chafed at answering questions from its own appointed Public Editor before it eliminated the position entirely (as to the questions themselves, the paper historically has had a “Do as I say, not as I do” mindset for its progressive pronouncements, as with its ongoing calls for wider unionization and support for labor’s demands in other industry sectors, while playing hardball with the Newspaper Guild or any other union involved with the paper when negotiation time came around).

    • #3
    • June 20, 2019, at 3:31 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  4. Matthew Singer Member

    My new write-in vote

    • #4
    • June 20, 2019, at 4:35 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  5. I Walton Member

    Of course those are the choices for medical care. It’s simple. There are just a few professional divisions, and categories of personnel, technology is stagnant, we know so much anyway, and it’s easy, so of course it should be under government control. Government does everything better than vigorous competition in the private sector and open innovation in medicine, methods training, and practices. We could never return to a free market, lots of people would surly make mistakes and hurt people And of course it should be the Federal government especially in a giant country such as the US where absence of specific relevant information on individuals makes it creative in its abstractions and self focus.

    • #5
    • June 20, 2019, at 4:47 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  6. Miffed White Male Member

    JosePluma:

    1. Does anyone deserve a billion dollars?

    No one “deserves” anything. All anyone needs is a roof over their head, a mat to sleep on, some rough clothing and three bowls of gruel. Oddly enough, in the states that decide what a person “deserves,” a lot of people end up without what they need.

     

    Beautifully succinct. Downright PJ O’Rourke-esque.

     

    • #6
    • June 20, 2019, at 5:01 AM PDT
    • 16 likes
  7. Full Size Tabby Member

    It’s probably not a surprise to us, but apparently the NYT is no longer capable of embarrassment. Plus we know that the NYT’s purpose is only to provide a platform from which Democratic politicians can spout their platitudes. But, if “journalism” is a supposed outcome, these questions are worse than what a 5th grader asks the candidates for student body president.

    • #7
    • June 20, 2019, at 5:08 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  8. PHCheese Member

    Jose can you say!

    • #8
    • June 20, 2019, at 5:35 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  9. Susan Quinn Contributor

    Wow! This is true bi-partisanship, Jose! You and Joe are going to cure cancer! Good job!

    • #9
    • June 20, 2019, at 5:40 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  10. Arahant Member

    JosePluma: ** Warning: The graphic at the top of this link is truly nauseating.

    I was thinking that would be a great way to represent the Democrat Party.

    • #10
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:18 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  11. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Hank Rhody-Badenphipps Esq (View Comment):

    JosePluma: In an ‘ideal’ world, guns would be irrelevant, since no one would misuse them.

    In an ideal world guns would be irrelevant since Mankind would not be subject to death.

    I was going to argue the point but in an ideal world animals would show up at the proper time to be made into meat and I wouldn’t want to kill anyone.

    • #11
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:39 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  12. Arahant Member

    JosePluma: I think, after due process, everyone who commits a heinous crime should rot in a jail cell, devoid of stimulation, with only the company of loutish guards and criminal psychopaths. This should be the punishment no matter what capital crime you commit: Murder, treason, terrorism, or being inconvenient to your mother.

    I’m still working on reading through this, and there have been some great lines I have not commented on, but this, this is ripping the cover off the ball as both parts sail right out of the park.

    • #12
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:47 AM PDT
    • 8 likes
  13. Arahant Member

    JosePluma:

    1. What is your comfort food on campaign trail?

    I can’t imagine a question more stupid and irrelevant than this one.

    1. What do you do to relax?

    But apparently you can.

    They’re pros at the NYT.

    • #13
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:52 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  14. Arahant Member

    JosePluma: * Wouldn’t it be great if the same thing happened to the questioner as in the original?

    Yes.

    • #14
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:52 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  15. Arahant Member

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    Hank Rhody-Badenphipps Esq (View Comment):

    JosePluma: In an ‘ideal’ world, guns would be irrelevant, since no one would misuse them.

    In an ideal world guns would be irrelevant since Mankind would not be subject to death.

    I was going to argue the point but in an ideal world animals would show up at the proper time to be made into meat and I wouldn’t want to kill anyone.

    In an ideal world, firearms are fun, so everyone would have them and know how to use them properly. Bows and crossbows, too, because target shooting doesn’t have to be noisy.

    • #15
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:54 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  16. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw (View Comment):

    Hank Rhody-Badenphipps Esq (View Comment):

    JosePluma: In an ‘ideal’ world, guns would be irrelevant, since no one would misuse them.

    In an ideal world guns would be irrelevant since Mankind would not be subject to death.

    I was going to argue the point but in an ideal world animals would show up at the proper time to be made into meat and I wouldn’t want to kill anyone.

    In an ideal world, firearms are fun, so everyone would have them and know how to use them properly. Bows and crossbows, too, because target shooting doesn’t have to be noisy.

    I’m not going to argue the point because I don’t want this post getting serious.

    • #16
    • June 20, 2019, at 6:59 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  17. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    JosePluma:

    1. What is your comfort food on campaign trail?

    I can’t imagine a question more stupid and irrelevant than this one.

    1. What do you do to relax?

    But apparently you can.

    They’re pros at the NYT.

    I’ll take “things no one on Ricochet has said” for $200.

    • #17
    • June 20, 2019, at 7:00 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  18. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    JosePluma:

    I can’t imagine a question more stupid and irrelevant than this one.

    He didn’t say in the PIT.

     

    • #18
    • June 20, 2019, at 7:01 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  19. Jim McConnell Member

    It’s a disturbing reflection on the “Newspaper of Record” that one can’t determine which of Jose’s questions are parody and which are actually questions from the “journalists.”

    • #19
    • June 20, 2019, at 7:58 AM PDT
    • 11 likes
  20. Percival Thatcher

    JosePluma: The philosophy that you can make the world ‘ideal’ has killed more people than guns ever will.

    Usually they start by killing the people without guns. That’s why they always start with taking away the guns.

    • #20
    • June 20, 2019, at 8:09 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  21. Vance Richards Member

    JosePluma:

    1. Describe the last time you were embarrassed. Why?

    I was just embarrassed right now, for you, because you asked such a stupid question.

    Great post. Really stupid questions but the candidates just play along.

    • #21
    • June 20, 2019, at 8:22 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  22. Django Member

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    JosePluma:

    1. Describe the last time you were embarrassed. Why?

    I was just embarrassed right now, for you, because you asked such a stupid question.

    Great post. Really stupid questions but the candidates just play along.

    I had a flashback to the scene in Bull Durham where Crash teaches Nuke how to do interviews. 

    • #22
    • June 20, 2019, at 9:32 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  23. Yehoshua Ben-Eliyahu Coolidge

    That question about Israel offers further proof that the NYT is turning into an anti-Semitic rag.

    • #23
    • June 20, 2019, at 9:58 AM PDT
    • 11 likes
  24. Percival Thatcher

    Django (View Comment):

    Vance Richards (View Comment):

    JosePluma:

    1. Describe the last time you were embarrassed. Why?

    I was just embarrassed right now, for you, because you asked such a stupid question.

    Great post. Really stupid questions but the candidates just play along.

    I had a flashback to the scene in Bull Durham where Crash teaches Nuke how to do interviews.

    You’re gonna have to learn your clichés. You’re gonna have to study them, you’re gonna have to know them. They’re your friends. Write this down: “We gotta play it one day at a time.”

    • #24
    • June 20, 2019, at 10:24 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  25. DrewInWisconsin Member

    A Former Newspaper:

    1. In an ideal world, would anyone own handguns?

    First, describe this ideal world.

     

    • #25
    • June 20, 2019, at 10:40 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  26. DrewInWisconsin Member

    Who is your hero and why?

    Vaclav Havel for working to destroy communism.

    • #26
    • June 20, 2019, at 10:42 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  27. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma Post author

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):

    Who is your hero and why?

    Vaclav Havel for working to destroy communism.

    Along with the Pope, Mrs. Thatcher and RR. Throw in Churchill and H.L. Mencken for good measure and I guarantee I wouldn’t get a single Democrat vote.

    • #27
    • June 20, 2019, at 10:57 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  28. Percival Thatcher

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):

    Who is your hero and why?

    Vaclav Havel for working to destroy communism.

    Vaclav Havel, for being a political prisoner in February and President of Czechoslovakia in December.

    • #28
    • June 20, 2019, at 11:05 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  29. Vance Richards Member

    For embarrassing moment E. Warren said, “I did this with a child and said something about, ‘It’s really important that we girls stick together.’ The mother said, ‘He’s a boy.’”

    Misgendering a child is kind of embarrassing I guess. But does that compare to lying about your racial background for years, taking a DNA that shows you lied, and then trying to pretend that same DNA test proved you were telling the truth?

    • #29
    • June 20, 2019, at 11:20 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  30. Misthiocracy secretly Member

    JosePluma:

    1. Are you open to expanding the size of the Supreme Court?

    Yes. I think there should be 101 members, and also that they have to be at least 65 years old. That way, the Senate will be spending all its time confirming judges instead of passing idiotic legislation.

    How about, “maybe, but I’m really in favour of returning to the original constitutional formula for calculating the size of congressional districts, thereby increasing the membership of the House of Representatives to over 11,000.”

    ;-)

    • #30
    • June 20, 2019, at 12:18 PM PDT
    • 9 likes
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