The Weekly Standings

 

Hank Howdy: Hello and welcome to the Weekly Standings. I’m chief analyst Hank Howdy.

Bob Spwortz: And I’m your host, Bob Spwortz. Along with Kurt Kurtsson at the tracking board, we’ll be following this exciting competition to the very end. Beginning with the second division, we had exciting news this week as Mayor Bill De Blasio decided to enter the race.

Bill De Blasio: There is plenty of money in this world. There is plenty of money in the country, it is just in the wrong hands. 

Bob: Kurt, what’s his score out of the gate?

Kurt Kurtsson: -1, Bob. 

Bob: -1? How is that possible, Hank?

Hank: Well, it appears that so many New Yorkers answered the poll with “Not Bill De Blasio,” and “Anyone but Bill De Blasio,” that all positive votes were more than cancelled out. His habit of taking money out of “the wrong hands” and spending it on motorcades to his gym did not help. Nor did his policy of killing cute rodents, then having his minions lie about it.

Bob: Thanks, Hank. Speaking of rodents, Amy Klobuchar appeared at a Fox News town hall in Wisconsin:

Unidentified male: Alright, welcome to the Badger State.

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you, Benjamin from the Gopher State; We’re the only states that, like, love rodents for our names.

Bob: Of course, misidentifying a badger as a rodent. Let’s check the board, Kurt, what’s the score for Klobuchar.

Kurt: Two, Bob, two percent of Democrats think she should be president.

Bob: Hank, do you think this latest gaffe will hurt her?

Hank: No, in fact, I think it will help.

Bob: What? How?

Hank: Well, I dug into the numbers. It turns out two percent support her for president, ten percent know she’s a US Senator, and 90% think a “klobachar” is a type of Czech pastry. Some of those will now at least be aware she’s not a deep-fried breakfast item.

Bob: Meanwhile, failed Texas Senatorial candidate Beto O’Rourke relaunched his campaign by publicly apologizing for being a white male, which, last time I checked, is not something you have personal control over. In order to insert some gravitas into his persona, he also live-streamed a trip to his barber:

Beto O’Rourke: We’re cutting out some of this ear hair that you get when you get older. It grows out of yours and if you don’t get it cut, it could be nasty.

Bob: Kurt, what’s the score for Beto?

Kurt: 4%, down one point from the end of April.

Hank: I still think he should come out as transgender. That might bring him up two or three points in the polls.

Bob: Billionaire Andrew Yang’s main policy proposal seems to be that male babies, at least those not aborted, must be allowed to keep their foreskins. Apparently baby mutilation is only allowed inside the womb. Well, it appears that his private jet was in the shop and he had to fly commercial for the first time. And man, did he find a huge problem at the airport.

Andrew Yang (From Twitter): Just paid $4 for a bottle of water at the airport after throwing one out in security. There should be a rule on pricing in airports. Just saying.

Hank: Yes, the prices for items inside highly controlled and secured areas, such as airport concourses, tend to be pretty steep. Who knew? I’m sure he’ll get right on that pressing problem the first day of his presidency. There are unconfirmed reports that his team is looking into the size of holes in Swiss cheese and the quality of toys in kid’s meals at fast-food restaurants.

Bob: Kurt?

Kurt: One percent of Democrats want Andrew Yang to be president.

Bob: Hank, what about the rest of the also-rans: Michael Bennett, Cory Booker, Steve Bullock, Julián Castro, John Delaney, Tulsi Gabbard, Kirsten Gillibrand, Mike Gravel, John Hickenlooper, Wayne Messam, Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, Eric Swalwell, Shelldon Thompson, and Marianne Williamson?

Hank: It would be a good idea for them to stay inside for the rest of this election cycle.

Bob: Why is that?

Hank: Because all of them together have a better chance of being hit by lightning than getting a single delegate in the Democratic primaries.

Bob: Okay, let’s move to the top of the leader board. Kurt, what’s the number on “Mayor Pete” Buttigieg?

Kurt: 7% in the latest poll.

Hank: Which is an amazing number considering that not a single African-American or Hispanic respondent has said that they’ll vote for him.

Bob: Kamela Harris has come out with a new initiative to solve the pressing problem of gender pay inequality. She wants every company in the United States to keep track of and report salaries by gender. Companies that are perceived to be unequal will be heavily fined.

Hank: This, of course, will do wonders for economic growth. It will definitely increase employment—for lawyers, accounts and government bureaucrats. If you are in any other profession, well, tough luck. Kurt, what’s the score for Harris?

Kurt: Also at 7%, slightly ahead of Buttigieg.

Hank: Of course, the “gender pay gap” has long been known to be complete nonsense. No company that wants to stay in business is going to pay someone 25% more just because they happen to be male. However, if Harris manages to get elected and makes this the law, female employment will go up. A lot of wives will have to get jobs to make up for their husband’s decrease in salary.

Bob: Next is Elizabeth Warren, whose signature policy is forgiving all college student loans.

Hank: Thus alienating people who saved up and paid for college outright, paid their loans off, or didn’t go to college at all but will still be picking up the bill for this.

Bob: Now, she has said that she will never go on Fox News, declared that they are racist, and implied that its viewers are dupes.

Hank: Alienating another six million people. Her campaign strategy seems to be to p. . ., ugh, get as many people angry at her as she can. Kurt, what’s the number for her?

Kurt: 8% of Democrats want Elizabeth Warren to be president.

Bob: We’re coming close to the end. Bernie Sanders.

Kurt: 19%.

Hank: Which is about as much as Harris, Buttigieg and Warren put together. Coincidently, he’s about as old as the three of them together. Ha! Just kidding; Warren’s pretty old, too.

Bob: In the lead, of course, is Joe Biden, by a wide margin.

Kurt: 38% of Democrats want him to be president in the latest polls.

Hank: So it looks like it’s pretty much guaranteed that for the next 18 months to five and a half years we’ll be having a dotty septuagenarian emphatically scolding us twice. EMPHATICALLY SCOLDING US TWICE!

Bob: Well, that’s it for this edition of the Weekly Standings. Along with Kurt Kurtsson and Hank Howdy, I’d like to wish you a pleasant evening. Stay tuned for a very special edition of Bull Work, as rancher Charlese Yikes demonstrates the process of collecting and disseminating bull manure.

Published in Humor
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There are 6 comments.

  1. Arahant Member

    Can’t wait for the next edition.

    • #1
    • May 21, 2019, at 4:13 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  2. Miffed White Male Member

    Well done!

    • #2
    • May 21, 2019, at 5:04 AM PDT
    • Like
  3. Jon1979 Lincoln

    I thought The Weekly Standings closed back in December and re-emerged later as The Bullpen.

    • #3
    • May 21, 2019, at 5:07 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  4. Stad Thatcher

    Much better than The Weekly Standard!

    • #4
    • May 21, 2019, at 5:23 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  5. Bethany Mandel Editor

    Make this a series!!!

    • #5
    • May 21, 2019, at 7:27 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  6. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma Post author

    Bethany Mandel (View Comment):

    Make this a series!!!

    Thanks! I usually just take individual potshots in the PIT; This week was such a target-rich environment that I couldn’t resist

    Unfortunately, a series would get pretty tedious quickly.

    Quick synopsis: Democrats W, X, Y and Z do and say stupid and outrageous things to get attention; Joe Biden is still in the lead.

    I did a similar post in March that got no traction.

    And I still have a day (well. . night) job. Sometimes after three shifts in the ER, I don’t feel much like writing.

    • #6
    • May 21, 2019, at 11:52 AM PDT
    • 8 likes