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Quote of the Day: Two Will Become One
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery…” — Ephesians 5:31-32
Today marks what would have been my late wife’s 61st birthday. Janet did not make it to 60, as she died in January of that year, five months short of the day. I have been without her now for one year and five months.
We married when she was 19 and I was 21. She died five months short of our 41st anniversary. We were a couple for nearly two-thirds of my life and over two-thirds of hers. The last year, a year without her, has made me realize that at some point during those 40 years, so gradually as that we did not realize it had happened, we did indeed become “one flesh” – part of a larger whole. She was part of me and I was part of her.
Yes, we were still two individuals, but our partnership formed a corporate whole. When one acted, they acted for the other as well as themself. We had our fights, but we had a unity when facing the outside world. She was the conscience I could check with at 3 a.m. and ask if I was doing the right thing. She was my closest and most trusted advisor. I was her most trusted advisor, and the person she would turn to when she wanted to know if she was doing the right thing. We complemented each other, shielding the weaknesses of the other with the strengths we possessed.
Since her death, I have realized that in many ways I have been halved. There are questions I have I know she could answer – but she cannot. There are questions I could answer she would have asked of me, but never will. I reach for her in the night, but she is no longer there, and she no longer reaches for me. I know how an amputee must feel when a missing arm does not grasp when you reach with it or a missing leg itches.
I believe this happens with all long-married couples, even when the marriage is rocky. In a good marriage (as mine was), the bond becomes profoundly strong. I know my mother is struggling with the same issues I am. My father died last June after a marriage that lasted nearly 60 years. For the last ten, they depended on the other to maintain their autonomy. My brothers and I believed she was propping him up during that period. After his death we realized how dependent she had become on him.
Yet the joys that the partnership of marriage bring outweigh the pain that the inevitable separation brings. (Barring an accident in which both die, one spouse will always die before the other to finish their journey alone.) I would have been an even lesser man than I am now without the 40 years I spent with Janet, and I am sure my mother’s feelings about her marriage to my father mirror mine.
Nor can I claim to have been uniformly unhappy over the last year. As Tennyson says,
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are.
The last year has brought great joys to balance the great sorrows. I have held my first grandchild, and my second son married. I have gotten on with life. I have taken a woman or two out for dinner, a novel experience after over 40 years outside the dating scene. That is all it has been. While pleasant, there are no sparks yet. But having a woman take an interest in me has been tremendously flattering.
As for you who are married currently, especially those who have been married a long time: Give your spouse a hug today. Tell your spouse you love them. You cannot understand today how much you will miss what you have until it is gone. Appreciate what you have while you can. It is magic.
Janet, happy birthday.
I miss you.
Published in General
Though some marriages should never have been and are an unsalvageable shipwreck . Someone once said. ” To many leave before the fun and joy begin.
I was unhappy with my marriage in my early years. However, now I too will be half d if she goes home first.
So glad your life was so rich with Janet.
Like a geode, it’s sometimes difficult to see the structures that have been built up over time, the beauty and the complexity, until is is halved.
Has it been seventeen months already? Two truly are made one in marriage. My sympathies on your difficulties Seawriter.
It sounds like your mom is having tough time. Assuming all that responsibility all at once for things that were always the object of shared decision making can be difficult. I can see why the house goes on the market so fast. :-)
It is interesting how thoroughly married couples divvy up the household work and responsibility. I haven’t any idea how to do the things my husband does for our little family, and he has no idea how I do the things I do. The divisions of labor have crept along, a little bit each day, and we don’t bother to talk about these things we are doing, lest we bore each other. :-)
My husband and I both need to organize our stuff in case something happens to one of us. This past year I’ve been working on my pile. But I keep thinking I need some sort of a red file that is in a prominent spot in my office and that he’ll know is his, should I get hit by the proverbial truck. :-)
Janet had a good husband in Seawriter. :-)
Beautiful.
What a beautiful tribute to your wife and marriage. Thank you!
This is just beautiful, and a perfect description of how things are supposed to work. A lovely post. Thank you for sharing your feelings. God Bless.
I think the matter of “shielding each other’s weaknesses” is something that’s often overlooked. But that’s what a couple should do. It’s not “survival of the fittest.” It’s not “show the other person up.” It’s complementarity and trust at its best. We are stronger together. And I think it’s not an exaggeration to say that it’s a substantial component of what has made Western Civilization unique. Not all civilizations though the course of history have had such a concept of how the “couple thing” should go.
Those are raw, honest, and lovely words.
This reflection should be used in marriage prep programs. As Catholics, one point, among many, of being married is to help each other “get to heaven” (don’t get all theological on me, people, I know Who really gets us to heaven). The point is, our relationship with our spouse is in the best case synergistic – the combined effect is greater that the sum of the parts. As @seawriter so eloquently states “We complemented each other, shielding the weaknesses of the other with the strengths we possessed.” Together we encourage each other, confront each other, challenge each other but most of all love each other to the point of self-denial and self-sacrifice. @seawriter, I will do as you ask and hug my husband a little tighter and a little longer. My prayers are with you.
Gulp. That brought tears to my eyes.
The first year has to be the toughest. It’s always “This is my first _____ without ____.” I can readily sympathize, as I just passed the first year without my mother. However, I’m thankful for family and friends who are still with me, and fondly remember those who’ve passed . . .
God bless you Seawriter – I believe it is a spiritual connection – an invisible silver thread that links us in marriage that is created by God – and God has a purpose for it – so many here echoed that, but you especially. Thank you for sharing that.
Beautiful thoughts on marriage. It’s so tragic that your marriage had to end so soon with your wife still so young.
Happy Birthday, Janet.
God Bless you both.
Chauvinist the Elder asked recently what I thought of her friends’ relationship — if they should marry and would they make a good couple? After thinking on it a little, I said it’s a good sign that each of them is improved as a person by being in relationship with the other. Yes, they should marry, and they should do it now while they’re young so that their improvement and “becoming one” can begin now.
Seems that’s what you and Janet did, Seawriter. You are blessed and a blessing.
Memory Eternal.
I will not say that I know just what you mean. That would be impossible for me to know. But I deeply relate to your experiences, to your love for Janet, to how you complemented each other. We are at 45 years, blessings all (no matter the ups and downs). If you choose to find someone new, let it be so.
I’ve probably said something similar, but one of the things about leaving childhood is that joys – all emotions, really – are rarely unadulterated, unalloyed, uncontainable.
Our emotions and memories are gems made beautiful by their inclusions.