Men, Women, and Emotions

 

Knowing that men and women are different does not prevent me from taking issue with the simplistic contrasts floating around in our culture: women share their trials to vent, while men want to fix things; men are task-oriented, while women are people-oriented; men talk to give information, while women gab to feel connected. Both sexes laughingly accept these descriptions, but I think further examination warrants refinement of our understanding. Even when there is a degree of truth in distinguishing between men and women this way, clinging too firmly to rough categories can prevent us from truly understanding one another. Also—dare I say it—sometimes descriptions like this give mature, capable women far too little credit.

Take, for example, the cultural idea that women are emotional creatures, while men are more likely to operate from logic. At first glance, this makes sense. When we draw conclusions from what we observe, we often see women more vulnerable to tears, expressions of affection, and talk about true feelings. In latter years, we’ve been more open about discussing how hormones can affect women’s behavior. On the other hand, we often see men thriving in careers that demand cool logic—programming, engineering, architecture. Men like facts, as opposed to emphasizing feelings.

There is some basic truth to the foregoing paragraph, but I would like to point out first that this perspective, when applied practically, can give women short shrift, not only sounding dismissive, but also limiting their opportunities. I have heard someone say that women can’t be appointed to certain positions, because they allow their emotions to interfere with their reasoning. In the secular world at least, appointments should be based on accomplishment and how one has proven him or herself—in other words, on facts—not on bromides giving the impression that women will get verklempt when faced with the possibility of a business merger. I am not arguing for quotas, nor do I believe that women ought to be shouldering their way into the front lines of battle. However, I do believe that we ought to consider how we have allowed this common understanding about emotional females to shape how the sexes interact and make decisions. Few statements are more unfair to a woman than one suggesting that her views are invalid because she is slave to her feelings or her hormones.

Secondly, in categorizing men and women as logical versus emotional, we’ve drawn hasty conclusions from a few surface features. Diving deeper tells a different story.

When we say that someone is emotional, what we often mean, without realizing it, is emotionally immature. Being emotionally immature is being out of control in our emotions, being driven by them. Do most women have and express a variety of emotions? Certainly. Do they seem to cry a lot? Sure. But are they emotionally immature, allowing their emotions to dictate their decisions? Yes, at times they are, but as with the rest of the human race, we are a variegated lot, and you will find many examples of females who have left behind their adolescent impulses. They recognize their emotions for what they are. While acknowledging the feelings, often their decisions are influenced by them only insofar as these feelings align with the facts. Affection, frustration, sorrow, melancholy, nostalgia—while all these may be given outward expression, the mature woman is judicious in acting out of them.

Men have feelings, too—a lot of them. While they keep these at bay as they write computer programs and design bridges, their feelings are evident in their relationships to the people closest to them. Their families see love, anger, anxiety, helplessness, irritation, hope, contentment, and more. I think it’s fair to ask the same question of men that we did of women. Are men emotionally immature? Again, the answer is, even though we may be dealing with different types of emotions, it depends on what man you’re talking about. Men can be stalwart companions and family men, self-aware, passions in check. Or, they may allow themselves to be yanked around by their impulses, alienating those closest to them in the process.

Being emotionally mature or not is a choice. Both men and women can choose. Will they look at the world and their past experiences and rationally act on them? Or will they be ruled by feelings? I say that in the arena of feelings, both sexes are equally vulnerable, equally accountable, and equally capable.

Published in Group Writing
This post was promoted to the Main Feed by a Ricochet Editor at the recommendation of Ricochet members. Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 17 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. Kay of MT Inactive
    Kay of MT
    @KayofMT

    At the office keep to logic, at home use your emotion to show your love of family.

    • #1
  2. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Great post.

    So, where’s my sammich?

    • #2
  3. Al Sparks Coolidge
    Al Sparks
    @AlSparks

    Emotional immaturity in men can lead to bad things.  After all, we’re more violent than women.

    It’s why it’s more important for men to control their emotions, especially those of us that are physically strong.  It’s why the “strong and silent” type is admired.

    For those of us that are physically weaker but stronger intellectually (or both strong and smart), controlling our emotions as part of  has also paid dividends to our overall well being, and why men have contributed the vast majority of inventions to the present day.

    It’s no excuse for not working for a capable woman or hiring one.  But I’ve noticed that even if a woman in a leadership role is working in a primarily female environment, nursing for example (I worked in that environment and could observe), they too have to control their emotions and even adopt more masculine affectations, or lose credibiliity with their fellow female workers.

    • #3
  4. Al Sparks Coolidge
    Al Sparks
    @AlSparks

    By the way, anyone know how to start a new post/thread with this new interface?  I’m using a tablet, and haven’t tried logging onto a computer yet, but I haven’t been able to figure it out.

    • #4
  5. KentForrester Coolidge
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    Al, I can’t figure it out either.  I’m using an iPad.  There is supposed to be a link in the “sidebar” to the right.  But I don’t see a sidebar.

    • #5
  6. She Member
    She
    @She

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Al, I can’t figure it out either. I’m using an iPad. There is supposed to be a link in the “sidebar” to the right. But I don’t see a sidebar.

    Click on the ‘down arrow’ by your avatar photo in the top right hand corner.  A menu will display.   Click on “blog.” A menu will fly out to the left.  Click on “add new.”

    • #6
  7. She Member
    She
    @She

    sawatdeeka: Being emotionally mature or not is a choice. Both men and women can choose. Will they look at the world and their past experiences and rationally act on them? Or will they be ruled by feelings? I say that in the arena of feelings, both sexes are equally vulnerable, equally accountable, and equally capable.

    I agree.  Both men and women are equally vulnerable to self-indulgence, and equally capable of self-restraint, self-control, and self-respect.  One is just a lot more fun, a lot easier, and makes us feel a lot freer, than the other three.  Inappropriate displays of emotion generally come from people who are stuck in the first instance, and are less likely to manifest themselves in people who’ve grown up and achieved the rest.  Or so I think.

    Great post.

    • #7
  8. KentForrester Coolidge
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    She, darned if that doesn’t work!  Or is it?:  Darned but if that doesn’t work!

    Mine says “Add new post.”

    Thanks She.  You’re as smart as Arahant is about navigating around Ricochet.

    That important part of Ricochet is buried rather deeply, isn’t it? — and rather non intuitive.

    i like everything else about the new format.

    • #8
  9. KentForrester Coolidge
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    I take that back about liking everything else in the new interface.  I’m a san-serif font kind of guy.  Ricochet has gone to a serif font.  In fact, I’m an Oxford comma kind of guy and a Helvitica (san-serif) kind of guy. 

    I think I was influenced by the early san-serif fonts, Chicago and Charcoal, that Apple used in their interfaces in the 1980s. 

    But I’m not willing to go to the mat over this. I can live with the serif font that is now being used on Ricochet.  It’s readable. 

    • #9
  10. She Member
    She
    @She

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    I take that back about liking everything else in the new interface. I’m a san-serif font kind of guy. Ricochet has gone to a serif font. In fact, I’m an Oxford comma kind of guy and a Helvitica (san-serif) kind of guy.

    There was a serif font prior.  This is just a different, and Fussier, one. There’s a “Bug Reports” group where such things can be hashed out. You can join it, and then add your questions/issues for Max.

    • #10
  11. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

     

    • #11
  12. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    In fact, I’m an Oxford comma kind of guy and a Helvitica (san-serif) kind of guy. 

    I’m a Times New Roman, Oxford comma guy myself . . .

    • #12
  13. Al Sparks Coolidge
    Al Sparks
    @AlSparks

    She (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Al, I can’t figure it out either. I’m using an iPad. There is supposed to be a link in the “sidebar” to the right. But I don’t see a sidebar.

    Click on the ‘down arrow’ by your avatar photo in the top right hand corner. A menu will display. Click on “blog.” A menu will fly out to the left. Click on “add new.”

    Thanks.

    • #13
  14. unsk2 Member
    unsk2
    @

    Intriguing post, Sawatdeeka. 

    I agree with the broad strokes of what you say, but saying anything in generalities regarding the behavior of men and women can get one in trouble very easily these days. 

    That said I would like to add to your thoughts :

    • the feminization of young men in our schools and our culture I believe has led to less logical and self sufficient un -manly young men.

    • It’s been my experience that women who have had close relationship with a logical and loving father have a tendency to be more logical and exhibit a much  better understanding of men. 

    “Emotional immaturity in men can lead to bad things. After all, we’re more violent than women.”

    I kinda believe in a yin and yang viewpoint towards men and women.  Men traditionally are more yang- active, straightforward, light and hard. Women are more yin defined by some metaphorically as the “cool side of the mountain” , dark, soft, passive and illusive.

    Beneath all our emotions and thoughts reside our gender oriented instincts which operate in this yin and yang relationship, where neither male or female instinct is completely rational  by itself, but only make sense in their relationship to each other. Where the rub comes in is that both the male and female instincts can be equally  destructive and evil, but because the destructive nature of the male instinct is so much more yang- obvious in it’s destructive elements   it is  identified easier and thus singled out for punishment. Whereas the female instinct’s destructive elements are more yin and illusive, they are often hidden and less likely to be called out and punished.  Thus, because the destructive elements of the male nature are more obvious, men are more aware of them and  will acknowledged them and control them, where women will often tend to deny that they even have any destructive instincts at all. 

     

    • #14
  15. Clifford A. Brown Member
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Another example of Ricochet at its best, offering a throughful, mature discussion of a topic prone to hot takes and posturing.


    This conversation is part of our Group Writing Series under the April 2019 Group Writing Theme: Men and Women

    May’s theme is now up, and the days are being rapidly filled: May 2019 Group Writing Theme: Blooming Ideas. Do stop by and sign up!

    • #15
  16. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    unsk2 (View Comment):
    I kinda believe in a yin and yang viewpoint towards men and women. Men traditionally are more yang- active, straightforward, light and hard.

    Yang-active.  I can live with that…

    • #16
  17. She Member
    She
    @She

    unsk2 (View Comment):

    That said I would like to add to your thoughts :

    • the feminization of young men in our schools and our culture I believe has led to less logical and self sufficient un -manly young men.

    • It’s been my experience that women who have had close relationship with a logical and loving father have a tendency to be more logical and exhibit a much better understanding of men. 

    Broad agreement (can I say that?) with both of these, in that I think that both young men and young women who have healthy and strong relations with both male and female familial role models probably grow up to be more complete human beings.  Absent that, they’re liable to pick up some very funny ideas in schools and in the culture as a whole.  

    But I think just as big a problem is the institutionalized infantilization of young people of both sexes.  I’m all for “let kids be kids;” that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about a culture (and even sometimes an intact family) which teaches young people, even when they’re approaching the age of reason, that someone else is always responsible for any poor choice they make or anything bad that happens to them, that it’s always someone else’s fault, and that, no matter what, there’ll always be someone around to wrap them up in a cocoon and make sure that the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune never leave a mark on them.  No wonder children, turning into young adults, turning into college-age young men and women and even older, who are raised that way don’t know how to deal maturely with challenges, and come unglued the first time they fail at something, or when the going gets tough.  And I don’t think what I’m describing favors (or disfavors) one sex or the other; both of them are reduced and rendered emotionally stunted and immature by the process.

    • #17
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.