The James Lileks School of Segue

 

While I was using my Hackmaster 2100 computer program, I found a deleted portion of a recent Ricochet flagship podcast in the Blue Yeti’s digital trash can. Here is the transcript:

[we pick up the podcast in progress]

James: Well, that was one incredible guest interview.

Rob: Yes it was. Uh James, I think we’re late for one of your famous sponsor segues. After all, we have Ills-Bay to Ay-Pay.

Peter: I haven’t heard Pig Latin in ages. James, you’re a master of segue. You should open up a school.

Rob: The James Lileks School of Segue? Sounds like a good idea to me. Hey, your school could sponsor this podcast.

Peter: I’m not sure the skill can be taught.

James: Sure it can. All I would do is drill my students with examples. Give me a starting word and a target company, and I’ll show you how it’s done.

Rob: The American Handgun Company. That sounds like a realistic business. Peter?

Peter: I’m thinking . . . a cockroach.

Rob: Seriously? A cockroach? James, can you really segue this?

James: Watch my smoke. Ahem. The cockroach is a survivor, having evolved over the last 300 million years. It’s often said the only two animals that will survive a global nuclear war are the cockroach and Keith Richards. The cockroach is a survivor because it can eat anything and breed rapidly. The only protection you have to prevent these loathsome insects from invading your home are roach motels and bug spray. However, if criminals invade your home, you can protect yourself and your loved ones if you purchase a weapon from the American Handgun Company.

Peter [laughing and slow clapping]: Ho . . . ho . . . ho . . . James, that was brilliant!

Rob: I’ll be . . . gulp . . . I mean . . . erk . . . awesome, James!

James: It’s a gift. With a little training, even Peter could do it.

Peter: James, that’s not a nice thing to say.

James: I don’t mean to sound insulting, my high-IQ homeboy. It’s a compliment to your intellect.

Peter: I still don’t understand.

Rob: I think what James means is you’re too smart to do a smooth segue. You’re a deep thinker, so you tend to analyze everything in detail before speaking, whereas a segue requires quick thinking and a certain glibness.

James: That’s exactly right.

Peter: Well, I still think I can do it.

James: Very well, my fleece flaunting friend. I want you to segue from . . . oh, let’s keep it simple—from sheep to The American Sweater Company.

Rob: Come on, James.

Peter: I got his, Rob. [clears throat] Speaking of sheep, we often find fields of sheep grazing in herds. These animals are watched over by a sheep herder called a shepherd. Speaking of shepherds, it reminds me of Alan Shepard, one of the original Mercury astronauts. He was fortunate enough to eventually walk on the moon, where the temperature can get as hot as 250˚F in daytime, but a very chilly -380˚F in nighttime. However, he wouldn’t feel the cold at night if he wore a sweater from The American Sweater Company. Ta-da! Well, what do you think?

Rob [after pausing for several seconds]: I think the School of Segue is a bad idea.

James: I agree. Moving right along, our next guest is—

Peter: What? I was brilliant!

Rob: Yes, Peter, you were.

James: So brilliant, I don’t think you need the school. [whispering] I think the Blue Yeti will edit this out.

Rob [whispering]: God I hope so.

Blue Yeti [whispering]: Consider it done.

Peter: What? Why is everyone whispering?

[transcript fades]

 

Published in General
This post was promoted to the Main Feed by a Ricochet Editor at the recommendation of Ricochet members. Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s growing community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Get your first month free.

There are 16 comments.

  1. Thatcher

    LOL perfect

    • #1
    • April 18, 2019, at 7:59 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  2. Member

    Speaking of brilliant…

    • #2
    • April 18, 2019, at 8:50 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  3. Coolidge
    TBA

    Oh, the feelz! 

    • #3
    • April 18, 2019, at 10:57 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  4. Admin

    HOW DID YOU ACCESS MY COMPUTER, @stad?

     

    • #4
    • April 18, 2019, at 12:13 PM PDT
    • 10 likes
  5. Thatcher
    Stad Post author

    You never heard of Hackmaster 2100? It’s available from the Ricoleaks.org web site . . .

    • #5
    • April 18, 2019, at 12:19 PM PDT
    • 13 likes
  6. Member

    Victorino Matus could be a graduate of the school. His segues are also a joy to listen to and were missed in this week’s episode of the Sub(space)Beacon podcast.

    • #6
    • April 18, 2019, at 3:15 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  7. Podcaster

    For some strange reason this never made the store…

    • #7
    • April 18, 2019, at 5:43 PM PDT
    • 12 likes
  8. Lincoln

    Peter sounds ready to take Orson Wells’ place doing the script from that frozen peas commercial. Minus the arguing, of course.

    • #8
    • April 18, 2019, at 6:57 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  9. Thatcher
    Stad Post author

    EJHill (View Comment):

    For some strange reason this never made the store…

    It ought to be in the store! The only thing missing is the little oval with “James” written inside . . .

    • #9
    • April 19, 2019, at 6:29 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  10. Member

    Sonny Bunch’s segues on this week’s Sub Beacon episode were such the antithesis of a Lilek segue that they kind of worked on some level. He simply stated “Transistion” and JVL would start the ad copy. A man needs to know his limitations.

    • #10
    • April 19, 2019, at 10:44 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  11. Thatcher
    Stad Post author

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):
    He simply stated “Transistion”

    Sorry, BW. That’s a pivot, not a segue . . .

    • #11
    • April 19, 2019, at 12:00 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  12. Member

    Stad (View Comment):

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):
    He simply stated “Transistion”

    Sorry, BW. That’s a pivot, not a segue . . .

    I stand corrected.

    • #12
    • April 19, 2019, at 1:38 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  13. Member

    Jon1979 (View Comment):

    Peter sounds ready to take Orson Wells’ place doing the script from that frozen peas commercial. Minus the arguing, of course.

    From “The Critic,” a wonderful show:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH1PJTY9AVA

    • #13
    • April 19, 2019, at 8:42 PM PDT
    • Like
  14. Member

    kedavis (View Comment):

    Jon1979 (View Comment):

    Peter sounds ready to take Orson Wells’ place doing the script from that frozen peas commercial. Minus the arguing, of course.

    From “The Critic,” a wonderful show:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH1PJTY9AVA

    If we’re doing cartoons, you have to include this one from Animaniacs. 

    • #14
    • April 20, 2019, at 12:15 AM PDT
    • Like
  15. Coolidge

    This was so “in tune” with the usual jocularity on the podcast that I had to read it twice to get the joke.

    Coming soon, I hope: Hackmaster 2100.1.

    • #15
    • April 20, 2019, at 4:40 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  16. Thatcher
    Stad Post author

    DHMorgan (View Comment):

    This was so “in tune” with the usual jocularity on the podcast that I had to read it twice to get the joke.

    Coming soon, I hope: Hackmaster 2100.1.

    I’m anxiously waiting for the next version. The Blue Yeti has upgraded his digital trash can firewall, so I need more hacking power.

    • #16
    • April 21, 2019, at 6:29 AM PDT
    • 3 likes