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While I was using my Hackmaster 2100 computer program, I found a deleted portion of a recent Ricochet flagship podcast in the Blue Yeti’s digital trash can. Here is the transcript:
[we pick up the podcast in progress]
James: Well, that was one incredible guest interview.
Rob: Yes it was. Uh James, I think we’re late for one of your famous sponsor segues. After all, we have Ills-Bay to Ay-Pay.
Peter: I haven’t heard Pig Latin in ages. James, you’re a master of segue. You should open up a school.
Rob: The James Lileks School of Segue? Sounds like a good idea to me. Hey, your school could sponsor this podcast.
Peter: I’m not sure the skill can be taught.
James: Sure it can. All I would do is drill my students with examples. Give me a starting word and a target company, and I’ll show you how it’s done.
Rob: The American Handgun Company. That sounds like a realistic business. Peter?
Peter: I’m thinking . . . a cockroach.
Rob: Seriously? A cockroach? James, can you really segue this?
James: Watch my smoke. Ahem. The cockroach is a survivor, having evolved over the last 300 million years. It’s often said the only two animals that will survive a global nuclear war are the cockroach and Keith Richards. The cockroach is a survivor because it can eat anything and breed rapidly. The only protection you have to prevent these loathsome insects from invading your home are roach motels and bug spray. However, if criminals invade your home, you can protect yourself and your loved ones if you purchase a weapon from the American Handgun Company.
Peter [laughing and slow clapping]: Ho . . . ho . . . ho . . . James, that was brilliant!
Rob: I’ll be . . . gulp . . . I mean . . . erk . . . awesome, James!
James: It’s a gift. With a little training, even Peter could do it.
Peter: James, that’s not a nice thing to say.
James: I don’t mean to sound insulting, my high-IQ homeboy. It’s a compliment to your intellect.
Peter: I still don’t understand.
Rob: I think what James means is you’re too smart to do a smooth segue. You’re a deep thinker, so you tend to analyze everything in detail before speaking, whereas a segue requires quick thinking and a certain glibness.
James: That’s exactly right.
Peter: Well, I still think I can do it.
James: Very well, my fleece flaunting friend. I want you to segue from . . . oh, let’s keep it simple—from sheep to The American Sweater Company.
Rob: Come on, James.
Peter: I got his, Rob. [clears throat] Speaking of sheep, we often find fields of sheep grazing in herds. These animals are watched over by a sheep herder called a shepherd. Speaking of shepherds, it reminds me of Alan Shepard, one of the original Mercury astronauts. He was fortunate enough to eventually walk on the moon, where the temperature can get as hot as 250˚F in daytime, but a very chilly -380˚F in nighttime. However, he wouldn’t feel the cold at night if he wore a sweater from The American Sweater Company. Ta-da! Well, what do you think?
Rob [after pausing for several seconds]: I think the School of Segue is a bad idea.
James: I agree. Moving right along, our next guest is—
Peter: What? I was brilliant!
Rob: Yes, Peter, you were.
James: So brilliant, I don’t think you need the school. [whispering] I think the Blue Yeti will edit this out.
Rob [whispering]: God I hope so.
Blue Yeti [whispering]: Consider it done.
Peter: What? Why is everyone whispering?