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Y’all Wanna Put Joe Biden Back In Chains
Isn’t it a little late in life for Joe Biden to be changing his brand? Instead of presenting himself as the avuncular pro with the résumé to send Trump packing, his aides have him signaling to primary voters that he’ll forgo his golden years to reinvent himself and win gold in the “Woke-lympics ” that is the Democratic primary.
It’s pathetic, really, and reminiscent of Dr. Evil giving the Macarena a go in order to impress his estranged son. I suspect that a large plurality of Democratic primary voters in the Rustbelt would be more inclined to support his candidacy if he unapologetically stood up as the Pabst Blue Ribbon candidate instead of pretending to be an IPA-swilling hipster with gender issues; as a much needed reminder that not everybody in America is as white, woke and wild-eyed and his party’s base. His campaign slogan should be “Just win, baby!” Instead it’s “Just one last white guy, I promise.”
But Democrats, as has been noted, have changed in the two years since Biden left public life. It’s tempting to think that he’ll take one glimpse at his party’s fevered base and say “I’m outta here.” Think about it: if you want to spend the last chapter of your professional life appeasing a bunch of crazies, why not just get appointed dean of an Ivy League university? Do you really want to spend more than a year grabbing ass in Iowa and New Hampshire? Let me rephrase that: if it’s the hands issue that’s holding him back, why not just break into Hollywood or head up the Southern Poverty Law Center?
Ah, yes, the hands. Always with the hands. Biden’s aides have been scrambling to characterize his weird and often unwelcome physical intimacy as a harmless vestige of an earlier era in American politics. The problem with this, of course, is that no such era in American politics has ever existed. Kissing babies? Sure. Cupping women’s chins? Slowly whispering God-knows-what into their ears? Grabbing their shoulders from behind and inhaling deeply the scent of their hair like some hapless Turkish glue addict? Doesn’t sound like the John Dewey I know.
In a populist era, Biden isn’t just a political lifer, he’s a political lifer’s political lifer. In a city that specializes in attracting those with an inordinate gift for being wrong, Biden’s career in Washington can be summed up with the words “Hold my beer.” In that sense, entering a third failed run for the presidency is perfectly in keeping with his half-century-long track record of being below the Mendoza line on every issue, from crime to healthcare to Iraq. He is somehow the broken clock that’s not even right once a day.
Given all this, it’s tempting to think that Biden won’t end up entering the race at all. But I think he’s far too logorrheic to notice that his party is ideologically boxed-in by the #MeToo movement. Republicans, meanwhile, are all too happy – and justifiably so – to watch Democrats Kavanaugh themselves by adopting a presumption-of-guilt standard that makes one long for the relative sexual freedom of the 1950s.
As with every other candidate in the race, Biden’s campaign must answer the question: “Why are you running for president?” To ensure that America’s mailboxes continue to overflow with credit card statements from Delaware? Don’t get me wrong – I like Joe Biden. He strikes me as the embodiment of gratitude: a guy who can’t believe his good luck. But while Americans of all political stripes would be more than happy to have him at our Thanksgiving dinner – so long as he’s more than arm’s length from our women – his half-century in politics is disqualifying to be President of the United States.
Published in Elections
Biden 2020: Hands-on Experience
Love it!
Yeah, he should be showing voters that he is just regular crazy, not a bat-guano crazy leftist like Bernie, Warren, Booker, or Harris but instead he is, as you say, trying to win the “Woke-lympics.” Anyway, here is today’s NY Post:
I’m old enough to remember back when the things conservatives made fun of were Biden’s plagiarism and his hair transplants. Just because Trump has weird hair is no reason for that to stop.
I’ve had days like that. :-)
I have not seen an pictures of “affectionate Joe” being all huggy and sniffy (like a rude dog) with males. I assume he acts this way just with females, which makes it sexual to me.
Thanks, Matt: glad you enjoyed it.
Fabulous logo!
But hipsters love Pabst Blue Ribbon.
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/whatll-you-have-not-a-pabst-blue-ribbon-2015-07-16
Great. And how about this guy after getting the crowd involved.
This is absolutely hilarious – and true – thanks for the laugh. The only one I can think of off the top of my head for battling him below the Mendoza line is John Kerry.
The democrat party (Like all government institutions is ironically named) primaries arent about the voters. Its about the super delegates. Just like in 2016, the super delegates will all line up and vote for the worst possible candidate. If Joe is supposed to be the candidate to win back the restless rust belt natives – the last 2 weeks has not been a good look for him.
LOL!