Recommended by Ricochet Members Created with Sketch. Julián and Beto Cage Match

 

Texas has been blessed with having two Democratic presidential candidates representing us in the 2020 race: Julián Castro and Robert “Beto” O’Rourke. As a public service and after extensive research, I am going to present a side by side comparison of the two contenders.

Political Experience

Beto was on the city council of a city with one of the lowest crime rates in the country. He has served as a U.S. Representative and ran a remarkably successful race for Senate, narrowly losing to Ted Cruz.

Castro was on the city council and served as mayor of one of the most crime-ridden cities in Texas. He was a very important cabinet secretary for President Obama. He has never been in a statewide race.

Hispanic heritage

Beto is Anglo, but has a cool Hispanic nickname.

Castro is Hispanic, but does not have a cool nickname. In fact, he shares a surname with one of the most murderous dictators in the Western Hemisphere.

Family

Beto has two younger siblings.

Castro has an identical twin brother, which begs the question: Which one is the evil twin? In fact, how can we ever be sure that it is really Julián we are dealing with and not Joaquin?

Scandals

Beto has been arrested twice for minor offenses.

Castro has never been arrested according to public records, assuming that there were no coverups in the city where he and his family has exerted immense political control for decades.

Beto was a member of a notorious hacker group called Cult of the Dead Cow.

Castro was never in any cool hacker organizations according to public records. In fact, there is no evidence that he has ever used a computer.

Nationwide exposure

Beto has appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Castro has appeared several times on the cover of San Antonio Sí!

Pastimes

Beto plays guitar and is a skateboarder.

Castro does not have any rad hobbies.

Other assets

Beto: Dem teeth!

Castro also has teeth, though he has never live-streamed a dental visit. What is he hiding?

Compare and contrast the candidate’s stands and policies in the following areas, including specific legislative and executive proposals:

  1. Monetary policy
  2. Energy and the environment
  3. Foreign policy
  4. Economic growth and jobs
  5. Crime and gun control
  6. Education

Nobody cares about any of that uncool boring stuff.

There are 21 comments.

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  1. RightAngles Member

    Hahahaha! Hilarious! Cannot stop laughing. “What is he hiding” hahahah! Julian (pronounced Hooo-lian) looks like a damn girl. I get totally creeped out just looking at him. Actually I can’t stand the sight of either one of them.

    • #1
    • March 20, 2019, at 11:37 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  2. Full Size Tabby Member

    JosePluma:

    Scandals

    Beto has been arrested twice for minor offences.

    At the risk of harshing your satirical post, I do not consider trying to leave the scene of a high speed drunk driving crash that nearly killed a person, and then getting off through the influence of your powerful family is a “minor” offense. 

    One could also repeat for O’Rourke the same question raised about Castro – what local scandals did O’Rourke’s politically powerful father and politically powerful father-in-law cover up?

    • #2
    • March 20, 2019, at 11:43 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  3. RightAngles Member

    Here he is after going blond to support Lanier High School in the playoffs (it’s a tradition at the school to do this if they make the playoffs, but not the mayor, at least I don’t think so. I just think HOOlian wanted an excuse). Just when I thought he couldn’t look any creepier:

     

    • #3
    • March 20, 2019, at 11:44 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  4. GLDIII Temporarily Essential Reagan
    GLDIII Temporarily Essential Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    JosePluma:

    Family

    Beto has two younger siblings.

    Castro has an identical twin brother, which begs the question: Which one is the evil twin? In fact, how can we ever be sure that it is really Julián we are dealing with and not Joaquin?

    Because clearly when you have seen Juan, you have seen Jamal….

    • #4
    • March 20, 2019, at 11:49 AM PDT
    • 9 likes
  5. RightAngles Member

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):

    JosePluma:

    Scandals

    Beto has been arrested twice for minor offences.

    At the risk of harshing your satirical post, I do not consider trying to leave the scene of a high speed drunk driving crash that nearly killed a person, and then getting off through the influence of your powerful family is a “minor” offense.

    One could also repeat for O’Rourke the same question raised about Castro – what local scandals did O’Rourke’s politically powerful father and politically powerful father-in-law cover up?

    This is what crossed my mind as well. I think the only reason Beto got caught trying to leave the scene of that accident was that there was a witness, and I think we can even be surprised that the witness didn’t die “of mysterious causes.” That guy is very very bad. And I’d be surprised if there aren’t a few more shenanigans we will never know about because his dad pulled strings.

    And if he were a Republican, the media would not be describing him as “Kennedyesque” (looks like Bobby, drives like Teddy) or “a breath of fresh air.” No, they’d describe him as the rich and privileged son of a judge who went to an exclusive prep school and married money.

    • #5
    • March 20, 2019, at 11:49 AM PDT
    • 10 likes
  6. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma

    Beto has now attained the ultimate tribute:

    A Beto O’Rourke crop circle.

    • #6
    • March 20, 2019, at 12:26 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  7. RightAngles Member

    JosePluma (View Comment):

    Beto has now attained the ultimate tribute:

    A Beto O’Rourke crop circle.

    Oh good grief.

    • #7
    • March 20, 2019, at 12:33 PM PDT
    • 5 likes
  8. Al French of Damascus Moderator

    And Beto eats dirt.

    https://www.foxnews.com/politics/beto-orourke-ate-dirt-with-regenerative-powers-after-losing-to-rep-ted-cruz-report

    • #8
    • March 20, 2019, at 12:43 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  9. Tex929rr Coolidge

    Beto eats tacos with a fork.

    • #9
    • March 20, 2019, at 2:18 PM PDT
    • 12 likes
  10. GLDIII Temporarily Essential Reagan
    GLDIII Temporarily Essential Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Tex929rr (View Comment):

    Beto eats tacos with a fork.

    Whooh that is almost uncalled for.

    • #10
    • March 20, 2019, at 2:34 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  11. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma

    GLDIII Temporarily Essential (View Comment):

    Tex929rr (View Comment):

    Beto eats tacos with a fork.

    Whooh that is almost uncalled for.

    Almost.

    • #11
    • March 20, 2019, at 2:58 PM PDT
    • 6 likes
  12. Henry Racette Contributor

    I was on the fence, but no more.

    Beto. Bay-toh. Bay-toh! Bay-toh! Bay-toh!!

    • #12
    • March 20, 2019, at 4:22 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  13. DonG (skeptic) Coolidge

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):
    and then getting off through the influence of your powerful family is a “minor” offense. 

    I am more annoyed that in apologizing for getting a get out of jail free card, he threw all white people under the bus. Instead of owning up to his crime and family status, he claimed “white privilege”. What a D-bag.

    • #13
    • March 20, 2019, at 5:33 PM PDT
    • 8 likes
  14. DonG (skeptic) Coolidge

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):
    One could also repeat for O’Rourke the same question raised about Castro – what local scandals did O’Rourke’s politically powerful father and politically powerful father-in-law cover up?

    There was a thing about the Beto on the city council condemning some properties to help out with a family land deal in the cheap parts of town.

    • #14
    • March 20, 2019, at 5:38 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  15. TBA Coolidge
    TBA

    GLDIII Temporarily Essential (View Comment):

    JosePluma:

    Family

    Beto has two younger siblings.

    Castro has an identical twin brother, which begs the question: Which one is the evil twin? In fact, how can we ever be sure that it is really Julián we are dealing with and not Joaquin?

    Because clearly when you have seen Juan, you have seen Jamal….

    You can’t stay here after that – just keep Joaquin. 

    • #15
    • March 20, 2019, at 8:14 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  16. RightAngles Member

    TBA (View Comment):

    GLDIII Temporarily Essential (View Comment):

    JosePluma:

    Family

    Beto has two younger siblings.

    Castro has an identical twin brother, which begs the question: Which one is the evil twin? In fact, how can we ever be sure that it is really Julián we are dealing with and not Joaquin?

    Because clearly when you have seen Juan, you have seen Jamal….

    You can’t stay here after that – just keep Joaquin.

    You can’t see me right now, but I’m groaning haha

    • #16
    • March 20, 2019, at 8:18 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  17. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma

    I just listened to the Hacks on Hacks, The Editors, and Mad Dogs and Englishmen podcasts. All three discussed Beto!; none of them even mentioned Castro. I’m not a supporter of Castro, but he has actual executive experience and has worked in a presidential administration. Beto is a pretty boy, rich piggy dilettante. I would guess that Castro detests him.

    • #17
    • March 20, 2019, at 11:40 PM PDT
    • 5 likes
  18. Danny Alexander Inactive

    Beto’s youthful artistic self-conception and driving habits encapsulated in one single 90-second masterpiece film clip (Safe for Work):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwgoZ4d_FtU

    • #18
    • March 21, 2019, at 12:25 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  19. CJ Coolidge
    CJ

    True Story: My family and I got rammed into and run off the road by a hit-and-run driver a few years back, just outside of Mineola, Texas.

    The local police officer we met with said they really couldn’t do anything about it. He just shrugged and said, “Beto strikes again!”

    I didn’t know what he meant at the time…

     

    (Okay, so I did make up the quote.)

    • #19
    • March 21, 2019, at 12:51 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  20. RightAngles Member

    • #20
    • March 21, 2019, at 1:34 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  21. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    They seem like a nice family. What is he doing throwing them into the maelstrom of a presidential campaign for no conceivable reason? This meme is the least of what’s going to happen to them.

    • #21
    • March 21, 2019, at 7:41 PM PDT
    • 1 like

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