The classic American hymn “Wondrous Love,” first published in 1811 during the second Great Awakening, proclaims, “What wondrous love is this, / That caused the Lord of bliss / To bear the dreadful curse / For my soul.” The nation’s music ministers awoke this morning once more disappointed to discover that the dreadful curse Jesus bears for us so we don’t have to doesn’t include Daylight Saving Time.
“‘Wondrous Love’ is a great Lenten hymn,” mumbled Elmer Morgan, organist at Parkhurst Methodist, over his fourth cup of coffee, “So it’s always disheartening to realize Lent after Lent that Jesus’ wondrous love doesn’t extend to lifting the curse of Daylight Saving Time from our souls.” Down the street at Spiritstone Reformed, the worship band reportedly slammed multiple energy drinks before the main service, noting forlornly that no outpouring of the Holy Spirit had made up for that one lost hour of sleep. Only bassist Chas Tietze abstained from energy-drink consumption, “But that’s only because,” drummer Mark Lorenzo observed, “He can play these sets in his sleep, and frequently does.”
Many pastors urged their congregations to look upon DST as yet another Lenten discipline. This has not escaped the notice of SHAZAM (Secular Humanists of America Zealously Against Morality), an organization bringing suit to claim that DST inappropriately establishes religion by imposing Lenten penance upon Americans regardless of creed. “It’s irrational to claim daylight can be ‘saved’ anyhow,” remarked secular humanist Patrice Whitehead, “So we’re petitioning to have the time change abolished entirely. Failing that,” she chortled, “We hope to at least push the time change back to its old dates, when it was more likely to trip Christians up by happening on Easter weekend rather than toward the beginning of Lent.”
In Salt Lake City, Utah, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir regretted the time change’s effect on its massive soprano section. “Every year on this Sunday, the sopranos are flat. Coffee isn’t an option for us, and other schemes, such as letting ferrets loose in the choir loft, routinely get shot down by church elders,” reported one Tabernacle tenor. He added, “Should the ferrets ever be approved, I will be happy to provide them.”
Meanwhile, churches all across Arizona reported a stunning outpouring of the Holy Spirit this morning. “Ineffable is how I would describe it,” remarked the pianist at Scottsdale’s Bethany Grove Chapel. “God’s Spirit is a wind that blows wherever it will, and today, it’s through Arizona.”