A Green Modest Proposal

 

Although Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal has drawn the derision of all serious people, I for one want to voice my support for it.

There are many laudable aspects to this plan, such as eliminating air travel, for instance. Who doesn’t love the idea of shuttering the TSA, after all? Also: you won’t have to live with the dread of potentially being seated between two morbidly obese, putrescent rubes from flyover country clutching desperately to their emotional support ferrets. (Bernie already eliminated their choices in deodorant, you see.)

Getting rid of these sorts of annoying headaches due to too many choices will really improve the travel experience. What’s that you say? “Carbon Neutral”? Ah, well … Burdle and Durdle could probably stand to walk it off anyways, so hoofing from Omaha to Altoona will work off a few of those extra pounds and improve their cholesterol and blood pressure at the same time. It isn’t merely a plan to improve the health of the planet!

No matter how beneficial it might be, I doubt that the body politic will warm up to this plan without showing them first that we mean no harm. That’s why I suggest that the Democrats begin with a more modest proposal: Banning the Tractor.

This proposal fits neatly under heading G of the Ocasio-Cortez Green New Deal Resolution, where it says:

…working collaboratively with farmers and ranchers to remove pollution and greenhouse gas emissions from the agricultural sector as much as is technologically feasible, including (i) by supporting family farming, (ii) by investing in sustainable farming and land use practices that increase soil health; and (iii) by building a more sustainable food system that ensures universal access to healthy food.

Banning tractors would eliminate a huge proportion of the greenhouse gas output generated by farms, as it stops all of those fossil fuels from being consumed. It would support family farming in a massive way, by making sure that the whole family is working the fields. By hand. It will even improve soil health so long as we all agree to bury the people who drop dead from this beneficial work on the spot where they keel over.

Of course, many families outside of those currently engaged in agriculture will experience the opportunity to grow closer to each other as they toil ceaselessly together to harvest their (last) meals when they’re forced by economic reality (or hunger … whichever comes first) to decamp from cool cities like Brooklyn and move back to outlying boroughs like Schenectady … or maybe even Garbutt.

This would put people much closer to the place where their food is grown, thus further eliminating the need for fossil fuels burned up in the transportation of stuff while simultaneously reducing urban sprawl. It’s simply a win-win-win.

Speaking of “healthy” foods — getting rid of cows (too much carbon) is going to necessitate turning to some alternate sources of protein. What could be better for you than some awesome, free-range rat? It’s even paleo-friendly as they’re so lean. There will be plenty of them hanging around farms once we get rid of chemical pesticides. You never know — maybe people will develop a taste for locusts as well? That, or shoe leather. Or human flesh.

Ultimately, the tractor ban will have the desired effect: eliminating the plague that is currently afflicting the planet … people. Large numbers of them will vanish, as if Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got ahold of Thanos’s Gauntlet and started snapping along to Cotton-eye Joe.

The green future is going to be awesome.

(Photoshop courtesy of @brianwatt)

Published in Environment
Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 10 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. drlorentz Member
    drlorentz
    @drlorentz

    This post will run afoul of the recently-introduced Anti-Pounce Act of 2019, which provides “…for a fine and jail time for anyone on the right who accurately depicts the things that Democrats believe.”

    https://babylonbee.com/news/conservatives-accused-of-making-liberals-look-bad-by-simply-reading-list-of-things-liberals-believe

     

    • #1
  2. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Member
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk)
    @Majestyk

    drlorentz (View Comment):

    This post will run afoul of the recently-introduced Anti-Pounce Act of 2019, which provides “…for a fine and jail time for anyone on the right who accurately depicts the things that Democrats believe.”

    https://babylonbee.com/news/conservatives-accused-of-making-liberals-look-bad-by-simply-reading-list-of-things-liberals-believe

     

    I failed to note that the category of people who “refuse to work” would cease to have any meaning, as everybody would start needing to work very hard indeed… just to find something to eat.  The Green New Deal could also be called the “unintentional mandatory full employment act.”

    The good news just keeps on coming!

    • #2
  3. DonG Coolidge
    DonG
    @DonG

    The GND would result in reduction of life expectancy by 20 years or more.  Not only would this solve the long-term financial projects of Social Security and Medicare, but it would help to reduce the surplus population.

    • #3
  4. Hang On Member
    Hang On
    @HangOn

    I liked Mad Max. I just never wanted to live there. AOC does. Maybe she thinks she can be Tina Turner.

    • #4
  5. Paul Schinder Inactive
    Paul Schinder
    @PaulSchinder

    Hang On (View Comment):

    I liked Mad Max. I just never wanted to live there. AOC does. Maybe she thinks she can be Tina Turner.

    She didn’t mean her or her cronies.  She isn’t going to live in the 10th century, just the deplorables.  I’m sure there will be Inner Party private jets and limos for the elites.

    • #5
  6. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Member
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk)
    @Majestyk

    Paul Schinder (View Comment):

    Hang On (View Comment):

    I liked Mad Max. I just never wanted to live there. AOC does. Maybe she thinks she can be Tina Turner.

    She didn’t mean her or her cronies. She isn’t going to live in the 10th century, just the deplorables. I’m sure there will be Inner Party private jets and limos for the elites.

    That’s alright: I hear they taste like chicken.

    • #6
  7. Hang On Member
    Hang On
    @HangOn

    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) (View Comment):

    That’s alright: I hear they taste like chicken.

    Now you get to cannibalism. I thought you were going to get there. Could also bring up slavery since muscle power would be the main source of energy.

    • #7
  8. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Member
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk)
    @Majestyk

    Hang On (View Comment):

    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) (View Comment):

    That’s alright: I hear they taste like chicken.

    Now you get to cannibalism. I thought you were going to get there. Could also bring up slavery since muscle power would be the main source of energy.

    Clearly, you didn’t read my tags.

    • #8
  9. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    Soylent Green!

    • #9
  10. Archie Campbell Member
    Archie Campbell
    @ArchieCampbell

    You’ll get my emotional support ferrets when you pry them from my cold, dead hands, @majestyk. And sometimes I have to fly with my therapy bees, so leave me alone.

     

    • #10
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.