Il Trionfo De Bezos: An Opera in Three Acts


ACT I: Il Donatio de Bezos

Goffredo Bezos, a book merchant who has gotten rich through trade, is in Nuovo Iorco to announce a great gift to benefit its people. Don Chucco, doge of Nuovo Iorco, sings of Bezos’s generosity toward the city, and notes that he has, at least temporarily, calmed the tension between the Cuomi, Deblasii, and Ghillibrandi over which faction will lead the planned invasion of Nuovo Ampscheria to oust Il Donaldo from the imperial throne.

A messenger arrives with news that Alessandria, a onetime barmaid of Spanish origin, has overthrown Giuseppe Crolio in the outlying region of Broncsia. Don Chucco begins rebuking him for his impertinence, until Alessandria shows up and denounces the festivities surrounding Bezos, alleging that the noble families of Nuovo Iorco bribed Bezos to make his donation and that he will bring ruin to the city (“Gentrificazione! Ipstertopia! Rento thru il rufo! Mondo trafico! Wipipo!”). Enraged, Lady Nancia, wife of Don Chucco, orders Alessandria exiled to the island of Verde-Nuovo-Deale (“Che proposale vamo nowhere prestissimo!”). Don Chucco and Lady Nancia apologize profusely to Bezos, who forgives them, but says he must depart for the land of Nova.

ACT II: I Virgini

Bezos arrives at La Cittia del Cristal in the land of Nova to make another donation. He is met by Ralfo, a noble Moor who has become king of the Virgini. Ralfo sings of the previous billionari who have ravaged his land: Il Donaldo, who recently closed the entire land of Nova for three weeks as part of a campaign against the Messicani, and Il Snidero, the worst of all, who destroyed the Redschini. After Ralfo’s lament, a messenger arrives alleging that Ralfo is not in fact Moorish, but a member of the tribe of Mediscuoli, who, as part of a barbaric ritual from the distant past, often falsely pose as Moors.

A chorus of Virgini lament the fall of Ralfo (“E buon, tu es un pediatrizione e non dermatologio!”), but express hope that Don Fairfacco, next in line for the throne, will unite the people. Don Fairfacco is about to take the throne when the Lady Vanessa alleges he has ravished her (“Mitu! Mitu! Mitu!”). Flummoxed, the Virgini offer the throne to Don Marco, only to find out that he has also posed as a Moor. Ralfo, Fairfacco, and Marco all fall on their swords. The Virgini attempt to summon their ancient ruler, Giefferzone de Monticello, but even he declines to take the throne (“E super razialle problematico”).

With no other options, the Virgini offer their kingdom to Bezos, who is about to accept when a messenger arrives saying that the [violazione del Codo de Condetto]-pico, a forgotten but extremely powerful relic, is in the hands of the Enquiereri, a barbarian tribe threatening to use it to overthrow Bezos.

ACT III: La Battalle del ****pico

The nobles of the empire are gathered at a great feast, where the Patrioti are about to devour the flesh of rams. Bezos arrives accompanied by the troubadour Tomancso and begins singing an aria about the importance of his work in the land of Nova and the neighboring land of Distritto (“Democracia morte in noche”), before denouncing the scoundrel Peccherio, leader of the Enquiereri, for seeking to destroy him with the stolen [violazione del Codo de Condetto]-pico. The assembled nobles begin laughing as one at Peccherio’s name, breaking the power of the [violazione del Codo de Condetto]-pico.

At the moment of Bezos’s triumph, a messenger from Nuovo Iorco arrives with the news that Alessandria’s power has grown to the point where most of the Presidentabile have made trips to the island of Verde-Nuovo-Deale, and she is once again threatening his interests in the city. Bezos, now king of the Virgini, determines that he will move his donation from Nuovo Iorco to his new realm.

Published in Humor
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There are 15 comments.

  1. Sandy Member

    So much to find amusing in this time of Progressive self-immolation, and you’ve put it all together. Brilliantly hilarious, especially the image of the nobles laughing at Peccherio’s name, and che proposale vamo nowhere prestissimo, and, well, all of it. Of course having laughed before at the progs, I’m laughing cautiously.

    • #1
    • February 8, 2019, at 6:00 PM PDT
  2. Barfly Member

    Mille mi piace.

    • #2
    • February 8, 2019, at 8:05 PM PDT
  3. Petty Boozswha Member


    • #3
    • February 9, 2019, at 12:15 AM PDT
  4. Flicker Inactive

    Bravo! Bravo!

    I tried to read this to Mrs. F, but it loses something in the audio version.

    • #4
    • February 9, 2019, at 3:45 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  5. Locke On Member

    C’mon, Ricochetti, we’ve gotta get this on the Main Feed.

    I look forward to the libretto.

    • #5
    • February 9, 2019, at 7:55 AM PDT
  6. Flicker Inactive

    All of it was great. But the “Mitu! Mitu! Mitu!” really got me. (I take it that’s the chorus.)

    • #6
    • February 9, 2019, at 8:10 AM PDT
  7. RightAngles Member

    “Cuomi” hahahahaha

    • #7
    • February 9, 2019, at 10:34 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  8. Flicker Inactive

    Mrs. F and I just reread this together, and now I know what Wipipo means (it’s not what I thought), and she knows what Mitu! means. The most funny thing I’ve read this year.

    • #8
    • February 9, 2019, at 2:38 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  9. RightAngles Member

    a messenger from Nuovo Iorco arrives with the news that Alessandria’s power has grown 

    And she sings her aria “O Mio Blabbino Caro.”

    • #9
    • February 9, 2019, at 2:43 PM PDT
  10. toggle Inactive

    Crib note :

    Amazon’s HQ2 decision met with ‘outrage’ by concerned residents

    The backlash has already begun against Amazon after the e-commerce giant announced Tuesday it will split its second headquarters between New York City and a suburb of Washington, D.C.
    Congresswoman-Elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she has received concerned calls from residents in her Queens district, which is adjacent to where the Amazon offices will be located. She characterized the general sentiment about Amazon moving into the area as “outrage.”

    • #10
    • February 9, 2019, at 6:05 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  11. Basil Fawlty Member

    Love it! You are awarded one of those Italian kissing hand gestures that I don’t know what they call them.

    • #11
    • February 10, 2019, at 11:21 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  12. Western Chauvinist Member

    I need a little translation help with parts of this, but the parts I got were hilarious! Bravissimo! 

    • #12
    • February 10, 2019, at 12:40 PM PDT
  13. Basil Fawlty Member

    The Lost Dutchman: for seeking to destroy him with the stolen [violazione del Codo de Condetto]-pico.

    Ricochet style calls for “[imprecazione]-pico” here.

    • #13
    • February 10, 2019, at 12:52 PM PDT
  14. Barfly Member

    The Lost Dutchman: The Virgini attempt to summon their ancient ruler, Giefferzone de Monticello, but even he declines to take the throne (“E super razialle problematico”).

    That’s the one that got me best; you paralyzed this Virginia gentleman with that one. TJ is my hero, of course, faults and all, and I can clearly picture the Sage standing in the company of his 21st century fellows, head bowed, glass in left hand, right finger and thumb pinching the bridge of his nose, swaying a little, saying “E Super Duper razialle problematico!”

    • #14
    • February 10, 2019, at 3:38 PM PDT
  15. colleenb Member

    Dear @bythelostdutchman: I was laughing so hard I had to stop in the second act since I was holding my 1-month old granddaughter and she might have woken up. Will finish it today. Multi anno or whatever it is you’re supposed to say in Italian or Latin wishing many years ahead.

    • #15
    • February 11, 2019, at 10:13 AM PDT