In what may be Russia’s boldest move yet, it appears Vladimir Putin is attempting to steal the magnetic north pole. An alarming report released this week said:
[A]ccording to the science journal Nature, something strange is going on deep down below. It’s causing the magnetic North Pole to ‘skitter’ away from Canada, towards Siberia. “The magnetic pole is moving so quickly that it has forced the world’s geomagnetism experts into a rare move,” Nature reports.
The consequences of this theft of vital Canadian property could be disastrous towards anyone relying on magnetic compass readings for navigation, especially at northern latitudes where even slight deviations can make for errors of hundreds of miles. Worse yet, Putin could even be destabilizing the rotation of the Earth and inducing an unhealthy middle-aged wobble, but it may be too soon to tell, and Earth might benefit from some added time on the treadmill to help compensate.
And of course since everything seems to be politicized in this day and age, Robert Mueller has already widened his probe and issued an indictment of a former head of NOAA, Dr. Jane Lubchenco, both for having a suspiciously Slavonic name, and for colluding with Donald Trump to sell the North Pole to Putin in return for dirt (not campaign dirt, the alleged transaction appears to be just that: dirt, though the motivations here are unclear). Dr. Lubchenco has vociferously denied the charge, both by pointing out that she, in fact, served under Barack Obama, not Trump, and that as an oceanographer, and not a demi-god, moving such a large object is well beyond her powers. Mueller responded by further expanding his indictment to include Thor. Thor has yet to issue any public statement.
Vladimir Putin has meanwhile denied that he has had anything to do with the movement of the pole, and suggested that the pole is moving of its own accord in solidarity with the Russian people, and because it is attracted to Vlad’s own personal magnetism, Russian bore-holes in northern Siberia notwithstanding.
Perhaps the most worrisome aspect of all is that Santa Claus is now considered a displaced person, according to the UN, and his elves have been given official UN Refugee status, and are seeking asylum in Alaska. Trump has sought to deny the elves asylum and has promised to build a wall around Alaska to keep out the elvish caravan. Said his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders:
The president is, of course, heartbroken at hearing that Santa Claus has lost his home, but has repeatedly warned that the elvish caravan currently crossing the Yukon will be turned back. Alaska simply cannot at this time accomodate such a large contingent, and the President is moreover highly concerned that there might be any number of gang members and other elvish impersonators disguised with the caravan.
However, the President hopes that the situation will resolve itself, that Santa and the elves will find a new home shortly and thus avoid a Blue Christmas. The President has said “the elves are Always on my Mind.”
The Pole itself cannot be reached for comment.