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A Raccoon Tale of Oppression

 

Oh, what sad times are these when a man is ridiculed for bringing his deceased support animal companion into a fast-food eating establishment in the wokist (wokiest?) of woke cities, where heroin needles are freely distributed and hundreds of citizens can unapologetically defecate on sidewalks. Shame on the hypocrites of San Francisco for shaming this elderly friend of late raccoons. Clearly, the learned citizens of Sodom-and-Gomorrah-by-the-Bay don’t appreciate the crafty intelligence of the Procyon lotor…uh raccoon…which actually surpasses the intelligence of many of the city’s elected officials. For example, here is a raccoon outsmarting an elaborately-protected bird feeder. I challenge any on the Board of Supervisors to attempt the same feat:

And here is a raccoon actually riding a wild pig into battle to attack an opossum.

Never underestimate the skills and intellect of a raccoon. We should appreciate, as this golden retriever has, that raccoons should be guests in our homes and be invited to dinner.

Rather than ostracize those with deceased support raccoon (or other animal) companions from San Francisco eating establishments, I heartily advocate a campaign of accommodation of this oppressed identity group with designated tables and booths that display special emblems that depict a deceased critter…and don’t even get me started about the lack of accommodations in restaurant bathrooms for deceased animals.

And for all of those readers intrigued to play off the headline: “Man walks into a McDonald’s with dead raccoon” to share jokes about raccoons or similar animals in bars…well, have at it.

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There are 31 comments.

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  1. Member

    Brian Watt: Oh, what sad times are these when a man is ridiculed for bringing his deceased support animal companion into a fast-food eating establishment in the wokist (wokiest?) of woke cities where heroin needles are freely distributed and hundreds of citizens can unapologetically defecate on sidewalks.

    < devil’s advocate mode = on >

    It’s not woke to ridicule the mentally ill.

    < devil’s advocate mode = off >

    • #1
    • January 10, 2019 at 10:07 am
    • 3 likes
  2. Member
    Brian Watt Post author

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    Brian Watt: Oh, what sad times are these when a man is ridiculed for bringing his deceased support animal companion into a fast-food eating establishment in the wokist (wokiest?) of woke cities where heroin needles are freely distributed and hundreds of citizens can unapologetically defecate on sidewalks.

    < devil’s advocate mode = on >

    It’s not woke to ridicule the mentally ill.

    < devil’s advocate mode = off >

    Indeed. That’s why I ridicule those who don’t properly care for the mentally ill…like San Francisco’s political class and point out their failings.

    • #2
    • January 10, 2019 at 10:32 am
    • 3 likes
  3. Member

    You want fries with that?

    • #3
    • January 10, 2019 at 11:05 am
    • 6 likes
  4. Member

    My auto mechanic has a sign on the wall:

    You don’t bring your own steak to a restaurant and ask them to cook it,

    so why would you bring your own parts here and ask me to install them? 

     

    Maybe he gave this guy an idea? 

    • #4
    • January 10, 2019 at 11:10 am
    • 2 likes
  5. Member

    For example, here is a raccoon outsmarting an elaborately-protected bird feeder. I challenge any on the Board of Supervisors to attempt the same feat.

    They don’t have to, they’ll just tax it, then demand you check your bird privilege and let in the raccoons.

    • #5
    • January 10, 2019 at 11:11 am
    • 2 likes
  6. Coolidge

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    It’s not woke to ridicule the mentally ill.

    Then who are we supposed to ridicule?

    • #6
    • January 10, 2019 at 11:48 am
    • Like
  7. Coolidge

    Franco (View Comment):

    You want fries with that?

    Oregon just legalized taking and eating road kill from what I understand, so, yes, fries please.

    • #7
    • January 10, 2019 at 11:50 am
    • 4 likes
  8. Moderator
    She

    My own little enterprising raccoon story from many years ago:

    And one of my favorite ads ever! Because it sooo could be me:

    • #8
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:04 pm
    • 9 likes
  9. Member

    She (View Comment):
    And one of my favorite ads ever! Because it sooo could be me:

    That was great. Thank you!

    • #9
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:13 pm
    • 2 likes
  10. Member

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    It’s not woke to ridicule the mentally ill.

    Then who are we supposed to ridicule?

    I can think of a few people.

    • #10
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:14 pm
    • 2 likes
  11. Member
    Brian Watt Post author

    She (View Comment):

    My own little enterprising raccoon story from many years ago:

    And one of my favorite ads ever! Because it sooo could be me:

    Speaking of raccoons in ads:

     

    • #11
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:26 pm
    • 4 likes
  12. Coolidge

    I think I’m going to start substituting “opossum” for “oppression” until further notice and see how it shifts debate.

    • #12
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:29 pm
    • 3 likes
  13. Member
    Brian Watt Post author

    • #13
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:34 pm
    • 8 likes
  14. Member

    We had a raccoon move into our attic last winter. Two stories, no window ledges on the second half, on our saltbox colonial house this raccoon traveled. It was quite a climb!

    The animal removal service we called had to lure out the raccoon on the first day. The second day they put up a thin barrier with some bait on the other side to make certain he was actually gone. Then they put a final barrier he couldn’t get across at all.

    This summer we had all our attic vents replaced. Apparently, the downy woodpeckers (huge birds) had drilled the hole for the raccoons. :-) They made quite a team.

    My dad had problems with raccoons getting into his trash. So he put his trash cans inside his garage and inverted the lids and put a brick on top of the inverted lids. No problem for the raccoons. They opened the garage door, jumped on top of the trashcan and pushed off the bricks, and then the rest was easy. What a mess! :-)

    • #14
    • January 10, 2019 at 12:59 pm
    • 7 likes
  15. Member

    I want to be a raccoon in my next life. That looks like fun! 

    • #15
    • January 10, 2019 at 1:28 pm
    • 7 likes
  16. Member

    They taste like chicken.

    • #16
    • January 10, 2019 at 1:31 pm
    • 1 like
  17. Thatcher

    Brian Watt (View Comment):

    That rug really held the room together, man.

    • #17
    • January 10, 2019 at 2:12 pm
    • 6 likes
  18. Member

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    They taste like chicken.

    Yeah, but you’re not supposed to bring outside food into McDonalds

    • #18
    • January 10, 2019 at 2:13 pm
    • 4 likes
  19. Member

    Squirrel gang initiation

     

    • #19
    • January 10, 2019 at 2:29 pm
    • 5 likes
  20. Thatcher

    • #20
    • January 10, 2019 at 3:05 pm
    • 8 likes
  21. Member

    Who’s to say that raccoon is dead? Are you misdeceasing that poor animal? What are you a roadkillphobe? 

    • #21
    • January 10, 2019 at 5:26 pm
    • 6 likes
  22. Coolidge

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    Who’s to say that raccoon is dead? Are you misdeceasing that poor animal? What are you a roadkillphobe? 

    The pre-decedent was placed, drippingly, in the trash can. 

    • #22
    • January 10, 2019 at 5:31 pm
    • 2 likes
  23. Member

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    Who’s to say that raccoon is dead? Are you misdeceasing that poor animal? What are you a roadkillphobe?

    The pre-decedent was placed, drippingly, in the trash can.

    Has anyone checked in on it recently? What if it thinks it’s alive?

    • #23
    • January 10, 2019 at 6:53 pm
    • 6 likes
  24. Thatcher

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    Who’s to say that raccoon is dead? Are you misdeceasing that poor animal? What are you a roadkillphobe?

    The pre-decedent was placed, drippingly, in the trash can.

    it got better.

    • #24
    • January 11, 2019 at 8:36 am
    • 2 likes
  25. Member
    Brian Watt Post author

    Instugator (View Comment):

    Flicker (View Comment):

    Western Chauvinist (View Comment):
    Who’s to say that raccoon is dead? Are you misdeceasing that poor animal? What are you a roadkillphobe?

    The pre-decedent was placed, drippingly, in the trash can.

    it got better.

    At least it wasn’t a dead parrot.

    • #25
    • January 11, 2019 at 8:40 am
    • 2 likes
  26. Member

    Flicker (View Comment):

    I think I’m going to start substituting “opossum” for “oppression” until further notice and see how it shifts debate.

    My favourite philosophy website: Discourse On The Otter.

    • #26
    • January 11, 2019 at 8:56 am
    • 2 likes
  27. Member

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    They taste like chicken.

    Chickens don’t have tastebuds.

    • #27
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:01 am
    • 2 likes
  28. Thatcher

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    They taste like chicken.

    Chickens don’t have tastebuds.

    That is why capsaicin bird seed is a thing.

    • #28
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:30 am
    • 2 likes
  29. Member

    He brought the raccoon, but the faux pas is that he didn’t serve it with the customary Chateaubriand sauce. How much do you want to bet that he also tucks his napkin into his collar as well? 

    • #29
    • January 11, 2019 at 9:38 am
    • 5 likes
  30. Coolidge

    Misthiocracy secretly (View Comment):
    My favourite philosophy website: Discourse On The Otter.

    I could argue that point. Is this the office for argument?

    Of course not!

    • #30
    • January 11, 2019 at 12:42 pm
    • 1 like
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