The Pagan Origins of Popular Christmas Songs

 

Amidst all the debate over whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie, or this or that song should or should not be played over the holiday season, or even over whether Christmas started as a pagan holiday, I thought it important to bring some historical perspective to the matter.  You see, most people are actually woefully historically ignorant of some of the most pernicious of pagan customs that have not only found their way into modern culture, but were deliberately planted there.  And so I have here marked out just some of the more blatant examples.

Last Christmas, by Wham.  This song’s origins as an Aztec sacrificial lament are encoded right there in the chorus for all to hear.  Of course, the setting is more modern (Aztecs not having access to modern drum sets, or Boy George for that matter), but the lyrics and the melody are lifted right from ancient writing found on numerous Aztec temples throughout Meso-America.  The holiday of “Christmas” was simply swapped out from the more ancient Aztec term for Winter Solstice, which is primarily why the new version needed a 4/4 drum beat, instead of the older Aztec 17/7 beat, which was ideally suited for the rhythmic plunging of obsidian blades.  Thus in its original, the chorus reads:

Last Solstice I cut out my cousin’s heart
But the very next day you accidentally dropped it into a pond
This year, to save me from an agonizing death from plague
I’ll give it to a more attentive priest

Of course this version would never sell, no matter how enthusiastic the drum section, but Boy George, having recently returned from a vacation in Mexico (where, according to rumors, he was secretly initiated into a surviving Aztec sect), and wanting to do all he could to encourage holiday suicides, reworked the lyrics into something more palatable.  That the song continues to be played is both a testament to the poor taste of radio DJs, and a sign of the pernicious effects of a multi-culturalism that is no longer able to condemn human sacrifice.  The song clearly has no place as a Christmas song and should be banned.

Rocking Around The Christmas Tree, by Dianne Addante – This arboreal circle-dancing song is certainly upbeat and fun today (if horribly overplayed), but its origins as a Germanic agrarian Vernal Equinox song are often forgotten.  This song was originally sung by villagers as they danced in concentric circles around the biggest spruce tree they could find (substituting white pine in more isolated hamlets, and if they were really desperate they’d use a larch tree instead).  The song was originally intended to summon the great gods of fertility to come and bless the planting of crops.  The line about smooching under the mistletoe is surprisingly an untouched (save for translation) original line.  Also notable is how the original Germanic rockabilly beat has been preserved (the Germans always have better drummers than the Aztecs).  Here is how the original lyrics ran:

Dancing around the Vernal Tree
for the blessing of the crops,
A mistletoe hung where you can see
Every couple tries to stop

Dancing around the evergreen Tree
Let the fertile spirits spring
Later we’ll roast some hogs on spits
and we’ll do some massacring

You will get a drunken feeling
When you hear, voices singing
“Let’s be feasting; Deck the woods with boughs of holly”

Baby, It’s Cold Outside – by Frank Loesser – This song is surprisingly modern, but not quite as modern as you’d think.  You see, the original on which this was based was more of a Halloween romantic duet sung by Alistair Crowley and HP Lovecraft about summoning monstrous shades to take over the world.  Still pagan, but a more modern pagan.  There are no surviving recordings of the authors singing their number, as any time it was played live, the recording studio would spontaneously combust, beginning with the drummer (modern drummers being rather inexpensive, it took a while for recording studios to clue into the problem).  Fortunately for Loesser, he was well outside the blast radius of the final attempt to record the number, and so only caught the tune, the lyrics being muffled by the sounds of an extradimensional portal snapping shut after consuming yet another drummer.  And more fortunately for all of us, the last copy of the original lyrics went along with that studio.

In conclusion, we should all have a merry and watchful Christmas, and not play any of these songs lest that portal reopen, letting loose hordes of angry Vikings, Aztecs, and drummers (this goes double for Little Drummer Boy).

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  1. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Is it time for the musician jokes yet?

    Did you hear about the conductor who locked the keys in his car?

    It took 30 minutes to get the drummer out.

    • #31
  2. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    What’s the range on a soprano saxophone?

    Twelve yards. Seven yards underhand.

    • #32
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    What’s the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

    You’re supposed to take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.

    • #33
  4. Bishop Wash Member
    Bishop Wash
    @BishopWash

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):
    I’m not a drummer: I’m a musician.

    Well…at least you’re not a drummer.

    Earlier this year, my five-year old started saying that she wants to be a drummer. I told my wife that if she stays that course, I want her to be a percussionist and not a drummer. A distinction I learned about during college hanging around the music majors. Fortunately, she’s lately been saying that she wants to play the clarinet like mom does. Mom and dad want her to play the french horn.

    Wonderful. Loved it. Shared with mom and she says that it’s applicable. 

    • #34
  5. Bishop Wash Member
    Bishop Wash
    @BishopWash

    How do you get a drummer off your porch? Pay for the pizza. 

    • #35
  6. TBA Coolidge
    TBA
    @RobtGilsdorf

    What do you call a guitarist with no girlfriend? 

    Homeless. 

    • #36
  7. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    How do you tell there’s a drummer at the door?

    The knock gets faster.

    • #37
  8. Peter Gøthgen Member
    Peter Gøthgen
    @PeterGothgen

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    I learned about the Whamageddon game this year, not sure how long it’s been around. The goal is to not hear Wham’s Last Christmas between 1 and 24 December. Victory was mine this year.

    My wife heard it at Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s house at around 6 PM.

    • #38
  9. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Peter Gøthgen (View Comment):

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    I learned about the Whamageddon game this year, not sure how long it’s been around. The goal is to not hear Wham’s Last Christmas between 1 and 24 December. Victory was mine this year.

    My wife heard it at Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s house at around 6 PM.

    I don’t believe I’ve ever heard this song.  Do I get a special prize for this?

    • #39
  10. SkipSul Inactive
    SkipSul
    @skipsul

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Peter Gøthgen (View Comment):

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    I learned about the Whamageddon game this year, not sure how long it’s been around. The goal is to not hear Wham’s Last Christmas between 1 and 24 December. Victory was mine this year.

    My wife heard it at Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s house at around 6 PM.

    I don’t believe I’ve ever heard this song. Do I get a special prize for this?

    You sanity is prize enough.

    • #40
  11. Bishop Wash Member
    Bishop Wash
    @BishopWash

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Peter Gøthgen (View Comment):

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    I learned about the Whamageddon game this year, not sure how long it’s been around. The goal is to not hear Wham’s Last Christmas between 1 and 24 December. Victory was mine this year.

    My wife heard it at Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s house at around 6 PM.

    I don’t believe I’ve ever heard this song. Do I get a special prize for this?

    You sanity is prize enough.

    As the last rule says, it’s a survival game so don’t send your friends a link. We should all win. 

    • #41
  12. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Peter Gøthgen (View Comment):

    Bishop Wash (View Comment):

    I learned about the Whamageddon game this year, not sure how long it’s been around. The goal is to not hear Wham’s Last Christmas between 1 and 24 December. Victory was mine this year.

    My wife heard it at Christmas Eve dinner at my brother’s house at around 6 PM.

    I don’t believe I’ve ever heard this song. Do I get a special prize for this?

    Yes, JM, the prize is that your definition of ‘Christmas song’ isn’t forever tainted by that pretender of a tune. :-)

    • #42
  13. CarolJoy, Above Top Secret Coolidge
    CarolJoy, Above Top Secret
    @CarolJoy

    Percival (View Comment):

    TBA (View Comment):

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    I should note, all the drummer jokes are there in no small part to amuse @percival

    Amuse with a ‘b’?

    I’m not a drummer: I’m a musician.

    Does anyone else remember the cartoon  list of items about “Worst day in the life of various people” regarding drummers? It had been written up by Matt Groening, a while before he became known for his “The Simpsons.”

    While Matt detailed that the worst day in the life of a poet was finding out that another poet they were acquainted with had just won a poetry prize, the worst day in the drummer’s life was when the girlfriend took back the van and booted him out of her house.

    • #43
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