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Happy Birthday Honey, Nobody Likes You
Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends posted a photo with two other couples. Each couple had one child, and of the three children, the two smallest had their backs to the camera, and the third had a heart sticker over her face. You couldn’t see any of the children’s faces, and curious if this was a mistake or just my friend playing it safe, I asked: “Do any of these parents post their kids’ pictures online?” The answer: no.
When my husband Seth and I first had kids, we decided this would be our personal policy. The primary reason we did it was because of what we do: there are a lot of crazy people out there, and we’d like them to know as little about our kids as possible (we also don’t post their names). We also decided to keep them offline for their own privacy; I imagined how I would have felt if I grew up to discover all of my childhood pictures were out there for the world to see. I’m a fairly open person, and I think even I would have minded that; Seth is far more private, and I’m certain having all of those photos freely available would have driven him nuts.
In the last two years, I’ve noticed a lot more friends, even outside of the political journalism industry, adopting our policy, in the name of their kids’ privacy. It’s been refreshing to see, especially in light of stories like this:
Omg this Instagram mommy blogger is celebrating her sons bday by writing about how out of all her kids, he “statistically” performs the worse on her Instagram. And she’s worried one day it will ruin his self esteem 👀💀 pic.twitter.com/QpFfJwDOab
— Stephanie McNeal (@stephemcneal) November 19, 2018
What a sick world this is that a mother would even keep track of which of her children is successful on social media, and would single out the lowest “performer” online and on their birthday no less.
This is the disturbing thing about a lot of parents and how they view their children online, mommy bloggers or not. They view their children as extensions of themselves, as social media performers. It’s one thing to want to share photos with close friends and family (we have an iPhoto photostream for that), but for many others, they are to be used for clicks and likes and gratification.
What’s even worse here is this mother is transposing her need for social media approval onto her child. As with most posts I see that make my skin crawl, it’s clear the parents haven’t asked themselves a few very simple questions: “How will my child feel when they see this in fifteen years? Will they feel ashamed or angry? Is this something they might be teased about? How would I feel if this were posted by my own mother about me?”
Short of declining to post on social media about kids, this is the least a parent can do.
Published in Culture
Oddly I have friends that post pictures of their kid on social media. They also foster several more children. The foster children are pictured with some sort of graphic over their heads. It makes for some odd pictures. What I do not understand is why do pictures at all in this situation? Why the pictures with cartoon graphics over the children faces. Talk about giving somebody a complex.
C.S. Lewis mentions that sort of lady. The kind of woman who lives for her kids and in the process makes them and everyone else miserable. The lady who just wanted to see her son again in The Great Divorce, for example.
People are people and the internet didn’t change that.
My kids get graphics over their faces all the time. They can’t post pictures of foster kids because they are wards of the state – it’s part of the rules to foster.
My daughter and my son-in-law recently had their first child, and hold the same views you do. (Which I fully support.) They also told me the main reason they decided not to post photos of their son online is because he couldn’t give his consent.
Just want to remind you son that we don’t love you as much as our natural children!
The oddity is why do pictures at all? I don’t post pictures of me on social media. If I had children I would not post theirs. I just do not understand the silly cartoon sticker graphics. Why post anything?
Yes, it seems to go out of the way to say look at our wonderful family and these cartoon creatures.
Low performer means less likely to have a creepy adult stalker, so that’s a good thing.
My son has a YouTube channel for his wildlife videos. Most of his followers are other kids from school and family. Somewhere along the line he got about 20 followers in Italy. At one point he posted a video that included his 10-year-old sister and then he started getting comments from his overseas friends. Nothing weird, just stuff like “Love it” and “that was great” but that really wasn’t one of his better videos. I had him pull that one down and told him only animals, no siblings, and we haven’t seen anymore comments from that crowd
Once an adoption is finalized, that restriction is lifted. Until then, foster and foster-to-adopt parents are treated as contract employees of the state. You can take pictures; just don’t share them until the child is legally yours.
So, more accurate to say, “just want to remind you, Case File 24601, that they aren’t your parents until we say they’re your parents.”
Three out of my four children are adults and I won’t use their names or photos online.
There used to be a word for moms like the one you highlight. Back in the day they were called “stage mothers.” Only the stage is no longer just Broadway, the movies and television, it’s the Internet. The gratification these people get from the likes and reposts is their applause or positive newspaper reviews.
You can tell a lot about people on how they view their kids. Thank God most people just see them for what they are, little people we need to love and give the best possible start to their lives. But there has been and always will be those that view them as accessories or commodities, plus or minuses on the family spreadsheet. C’est la vie.
My prediction is that in fifteen years, after the solar electromagnetic flare bricks all of our technology, her son will be too concerned about protecting his stash of canned goods and drinking water from roving bands of raiders to be worried about what his mom wrote about him on her cell phone during the before times. ;-)
My niece has no boundaries when posting photos or any other info on social media. The most jaw-dropping was when she posted multiple pictures of her 3 year old coming out of the ambulance, on a gurney, face bloody, from a particularly bad tumble. The little one needed stitches, but was fine afterwards. However, obviously her mother is an idiot.
Meh. I can understand why if you’re someone who’s in the public eye you would not post pictures of your kids online. But for most people, no one is interested enough in us for it to matter. My wife and I share pictures of our kids online because we have friends and family all over the country that like seeing the pictures, just as we like seeing pictures of their kids. Same reason we send out Christmas cards with pictures of the family. Obviously some parents over-do it, and it does matter what kind of pictures you share and who you share them with. (Setting Facebook post privacy to friends only is a good start.) Besides, I’m 100% certain that people would rather see pictures of my kids as opposed to pictures of me. They’re a lot cuter.
There is an “on the other hand”. Not arguing with the premise of this conversation – not at all- but I originally got on FB because it was the only way to see my kids and grandkids. There are also people whose parents were good friends, whose weddings I attended, some whose birth I was there for – and it provides a connection I simply wouldn’t have if they didn’t post pictures of kids and grandkids and even great grandkids.
Where we live now I find many third and fourth generation and more residents. There is a sense of family and community here that I never had. FB is a poor third I know, but it may also provide some explanation for the phenomenon.
Just wish parents wouldn’t post pictures of naked babies or older kids immodestly dressed.
I am not really bothered when parents and grandparents post reasonable photos of child or grandchild. I understand they are thrilled with the victories of their offspring and usually just keep on scrolling. What I find atrocious is any post (usually repeated ad nauseam) about the emotional or mental illness of that child.
“An Epitaph”, by C.S. Lewis:
Erected by her sorrowing brothers
In memory of Martha Clay.
Here lies one who lived for others;
Now she has peace. And so have they.
I don’t even post my own picture on social media. So, I get it.