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My Decision
Not many people know this, but I have been quietly contemplating a run for a seat in the United States Senate. Recent events have convinced me that the time for contemplation is over. I have made my decision, and the time has come to announce it.
After a great deal of discussion with my wife and children, after many hours of deep thought, meditation, and prayer to several deities from a list I found on the internet (to cover all the bases), I have decided, at last, not to seek office at this time.
This is not a decision I have made lightly. I know a number of people would have benefited from me being a senator, some of whom are even outside my immediate family. I owe it to those people, and to everyone, really, to explain my decision. As you might expect for a decision this momentous, there were various factors that went into it, none of which necessarily would have sealed it by themselves, but each of which played a role.
First, as it turns out, the election was held three days ago, and a winner has already been declared. I know that many will say this is a cop-out, that if I were really serious about running, if I fancied myself a Senator who would fight to the end for my beliefs, I wouldn’t let such a minor roadblock stop me. Perhaps, they may say, the real reason I bowed out of the race is cowardice, fear of failure, or maybe even a fear of being corrupted by that awful DC machine. Those are all fair concerns to raise, but the fact of the matter is, while I have had some success in convincing Tim Horton’s employees to accept long-expired coupons for a free donut, convincing the state to redo an election requires quite a bit more effort, and no small amount of charm. Though I believe it is an obstacle I could have overcome, the fact the election was already over did contribute to the overall feeling that perhaps this was not the right time.
Second, a serious run for Senate requires quite a bit of money – money for signs, mailings, bribes, donuts for the volunteers, and so on. Sitting down with my wife, looking over our budget, we figured we could appropriate approximately $43 toward the campaign. Money well spent if I won, of course, but quite a punch in the gut if I were to lose. I looked into election loss insurance to see if any of that could be recouped, and discovered there simply is no such thing. (New market to explore?)
Third, when I spoke to my neighbors and friends about the possibility of running, I was, frankly, discouraged. Discouraged and disappointed. Not in myself, of course, but rather in a certain attitude that seems to pervade our culture now, the self-centered “but what can you do for me?” attitude. When I sat down with my neighbors, I shared with them my vision for my future as a senator, what it meant to me to be a senator, and why I might be the right man for the job. I told them of my life-long dream to someday reside in a cavernous mansion, and sit by a grand fireplace at the end of one of the wings of that mansion, in a luxurious chair, smoking a pipe and wearing a red robe, loyal collie at my feet, glazed donut on a plate in my lap, with a massive painting of the exact same scene hung above the fireplace, and in that painting would be the same painting above that fireplace, that painting in the next painting, and so on, repeating and shrinking infinitely. “And what better way could there be,” I asked them, choking up a little, “to achieve that dream than to become a US Senator?”
Their responses left me cold. “But what would you do for us?” they asked me. What would I do for them? I was the one with the dream, remember? I was the one who was going to have to give all those speeches. I would be the one getting hounded by the media. I would be the one $43 poorer…. and they could only think of themselves. Do they even deserve a Senator with such a spectacular painting above his fireplace? Besides, I would have done something for them. I must have talked for an hour about how I planned to expand the availability of Tim Horton’s coupons. Unpopular in the South, of course, where Tim Horton’s are not as common, but at the very least I could push through a compromise to extend the coupon expiration dates.
Despite that terrible reception, I had not yet quite given up on the idea, but then the final nail in the candidacy coffin was hammered in. I received, believe it or not, a pretty direct answer from one of the deities to which I had prayed. This occurred when I approached another one of my good friends, one whom I knew to be very generous, charitable, and unselfish. He was walking briskly down the sidewalk, and I walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about something,” I told him, “I am seriously considering running for elect….”
“Oh, God, No!” he said before I could finish the statement. “Do not do that!” He was obviously disturbed, seemed suddenly out of sorts, not really himself at all. He practically ran away from me up the street. He had given me an indisputable “no” and he hadn’t even heard what I was going to say. I could only conclude that he had become momentarily possessed, probably by one the deities whose advice I had sought, and had become a vessel for their answer.
Well, what can you do when you receive such a clear sign? And so, when I added up and weighed all of these factors, in the end, it was a fairly easy decision.
Incidentally, the guy from the Board of Elections who informed me that the election had already taken place, said the other Senator from our state will be up for election in a couple of years, and I can still apply to run in that one. Tempting, I suppose, but the truth is, I want to be a Senator now, not in two years or four years. In fact, according to the five-year strategic plan my wife and I devised, in four years I should be very busy building a donut making machine in my home, one which will perfectly replicate those at Tim Horton’s. I won’t even have to worry about coupons then. The rest of you will be on your own.
I guess that’s just modern democracy for you. What a shame.
Published in Humor
Such a fine tuned sense of humor. Enjoyed immensely, @daventers.
What state is unfortunately being denied your service?
Damn! And I was so looking forward to getting a Senatorial tour of the Capitol and lunch in the Senate Dining Room. Sure as hell neither Spartacus nor Creepy-Bob Menendez is having me as a guest.
(Heavy sigh)
Aside – Since the Kavanaugh hearing, Corey Booker’s name has become ‘Spartacus’ in my head. It took me a minute to recall his real name.
Your failure was the painting, containing the painting within, etc.: no nudes. (Or, as it is spelled in the PIT, nudz.)
I know what you mean. I thought of running for office too. But when my wife and three daughters told me they would not vote for me, well . . .
If you had not already been dissuaded, your affection for pernicious, invasive, foreign doughnuts would have surely sunk you before you could begin.
Ohio. Assuming you have to run in the state you live in. Maybe I should see what day they hold elections in Indiana.
I have heard the pernicious rumor that Tim Horton’s is a Canadian outfit, but I refuse to believe it. Now that I think about it, though, they do put that maple frosting on a lot of their stuff.
You would, at this late date, have to run as a Democrat against a Republican who had just won. There is no doubt you would find a slew of high powered attorneys willing to sue for a new election. I would normally wish you good luck. Under these circumstances…not so much.
Didn’t anybody at all ask what you planned to do about corporate welfare?
If He ran now as as a democrat, We’ll find a slew of votes that would guarantee His victory.
Renacci and DeWine. What a pair of lackluster hacks. I voted for the other guy in each of the primaries. I was shocked that DeWine managed to squeak by.
That sounds bad but perhaps you could “find” a few boxes ballots in the trunk of your car and a large percentage of them might just contain votes for you. Seems crazy . . . but it does happen.
And don’t let them engage in voter suppression that keeps those ballots from being counted.
Sadly, no. I would tell them I oppose it. Except for Tim Hortons, in which case I would say, “Get them whatever they need.”
I notice donuts weighed heavily in your decision not to run. Probably wise.
Hilarious
There may be a way forward here:
I like it! All parody aside, I’m happy to say number 3 is already accomplished.
Beautiful! Good job Senator!
I have a similar dream but am thwarted by the skeletons that rain down upon me every time I open a closet.
All of them.
Hi my name is Patrick, and I’m part of the drafted @daventers for the Senate movement. All we need from you is a small donation 100, 200 or 300 thousand dollars and we can
rid Ohio of this scourgesend a true public servants to Washington. Please make all checks payable to Patrick McClure. We also accept cash donationsAnd you’ve only had that particular closet for two years now…
Not living in the state didn’t stop Hillary Clinton for running for Senate in New York.
oops wrong thread
Too late. I already wrote you in. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah.
Sheesh, don’t tell everyone! Hehe . . .