Recipe for a Terrible Election Day Afternoon

 

Our noble co-founder offered a positive perspective on Election Day so I decided to balance things out. For the past two days, I’ve had a bad toothache but decided to tough it out because I’m stoic, cheap, and not very bright. Monday evening, I realized my error when I could feel my lower back molar throbbing all the way to my toes and the right side of my face felt like it was being attacked by a drunk acupuncturist.

After a long night of ibuprofen, salt water rinses, and whiskey (so much whiskey), I crawled to my dentist for relief. Attack ads blared on the TV as the dentist announced “root canal!” with a smile and quickly filled my mouth full of bear tranquilizer. As he joyously drilled his way through my head I thought, I have never felt better in my entire life. (Bear tranquilizer: ask for it by name!)

I dropped my prescription requests at the drugstore then proceeded to my local polling place where I voted without a wait. Based on the chatter of the three other voters and the polling volunteers, I predict that Martha McSally will beat Kyrsten Sinema by 0.87 percent (0.83 percent after the state-mandated recount).

If you want to enjoy my hydrocodone-enhanced rants, stop by our Midterm Election live chat beginning at 6 PM ET / 3 PM PT. And get out there and vote!

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There are 16 comments.

  1. Member

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: (Bear tranquilizer: ask for it by name!)

    Pain relief is a great thing – hopefully you won’t need it for the election returns :)

    • #1
    • November 6, 2018 at 2:53 pm
    • 7 likes
  2. Member

    Doesn’t matter what happens today. Your toothache will linger for at least two more years.

    • #2
    • November 6, 2018 at 2:54 pm
    • 6 likes
  3. Thatcher

    I’m SO glad you got to the dentist, and he had the good drugs for you! I wish I could have spoken to you two days ago: Do not ignore a painful tooth–a toothache NEVER gets better on its own. But, now, you know this.

    Plus, election nights are way better when one is on medication. Two years ago, I was in a hospital bed, on a narcotic drip-line following a knee surgery, and I got to just watch the election results with no sound. It was awesome! 

    • #3
    • November 6, 2018 at 3:06 pm
    • 7 likes
  4. Reagan
    iWe

    Before my first root canal I was in so much pain (and could not sleep) that once they doped me up for the work, I took a nap – mouth open, drills going and all.

    • #4
    • November 6, 2018 at 3:34 pm
    • 8 likes
  5. Coolidge

    You guys still have teeth? I pity you. Porcelain teeth are superior to natural in every way. For one thing, they don’t rot. 

    • #5
    • November 6, 2018 at 4:03 pm
    • 6 likes
  6. Moderator

    Cow Girl (View Comment):
    I’m SO glad you got to the dentist, and he had the good drugs for you! I wish I could have spoken to you two days ago: Do not ignore a painful tooth–a toothache NEVER gets better on its own. But, now, you know this.

    iWe (View Comment):

    Before my first root canal I was in so much pain (and could not sleep) that once they doped me up for the work, I took a nap – mouth open, drills going and all.

    I have fought with suicidal depression for almost as long as I can remember (as in my first thoughts of killing myself were at age 10), but I have never wished for death so fervently as the night when the erupted cavity on a wisdom tooth finally got down to the nerve. Thank the good Lord for benzocain and Nyquil to get me through that night until the dentist could see me in the morning.

    • #6
    • November 6, 2018 at 4:10 pm
    • 7 likes
  7. Thatcher

    You are very funny, thanks for the laugh.

    Been there, done that, for sure. Luckily root canals done today with modern methods are totally not-painful. (I nodded off during one a few weeks ago. I jerked awake, and he said “Sorry, did you feel that?” I started laughing.)

    And, because somebody is going to sooner or later, here’s this:

    • #7
    • November 6, 2018 at 4:22 pm
    • 5 likes
  8. Member

    I feel your pain. Quite literally. Except that instead of the root canal, I was told that my upper back molar was not restorable. Tomorrow morning I’m getting it extracted.

    Heal well, and somebody screencap Jon’s more “interesting” narc-induced comments.

     

    • #8
    • November 6, 2018 at 4:25 pm
    • 6 likes
  9. Thatcher

    Bruce Caward (View Comment):

    You are very funny, thanks for the laugh.

    Been there, done that, for sure. Luckily root canals done today with modern methods are totally not-painful. (I nodded off during one a few weeks ago. I jerked awake, and he said “Sorry, did you feel that?” I started laughing.)

    And, because somebody is going to sooner or later, here’s this:

    Beat me to it.

    • #9
    • November 6, 2018 at 4:43 pm
    • 3 likes
  10. Member

    I got a new crown two weeks ago (hate dental work!). Still sensitive.

    But, conservatives plan ahead, Jon. You either needed to get the toothache earlier, or vote early! C’mon, man.

    • #10
    • November 6, 2018 at 5:00 pm
    • 4 likes
  11. Thatcher

    Jon,

    Listen to me! I don’t care about your damn tooth. I CAN GET OPEN! Just throw me the ball!

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #11
    • November 6, 2018 at 5:06 pm
    • 1 like
  12. Contributor

    I get sedated for any heavy-duty work. It’s wonderful. But over a holiday weekend a few years ago I had a monster ache, and went to an all-hours dentist in a strip-mall next to a lube shop. Extraction was required. Nothing available but novocaine, and the tooth broke off so they had to fish around for the roots. I felt nothing, and was reminded what a boon modern dentistry is. 

    • #12
    • November 6, 2018 at 10:37 pm
    • 4 likes
  13. Thatcher

    James Lileks (View Comment):

    I get sedated for any heavy-duty work. It’s wonderful. But over a holiday weekend a few years ago I had a monster ache, and went to an all-hours dentist in a strip-mall next to a lube shop. Extraction was required. Nothing available but novocaine, and the tooth broke off so they had to fish around for the roots. I felt nothing, and was reminded what a boon modern dentistry is.

    Thanks for the nightmare vision. It would make even Ned Beatty shudder.

    • #13
    • November 7, 2018 at 3:03 am
    • 1 like
  14. Member

    After last night’s outcome (and I’m not complaining), where at least Florida and Ted Cruz pulled thru (thankful for the Panhandles), we’ll see how the Democrats behave over the next two years. If they don’t give Maxine some bear tranquilizer and all they do is breathe fire, instead of coming up with positive ideas and solutions for America, they will re-elect Trump easily. Glad you are feeling better!! 

    • #14
    • November 7, 2018 at 6:30 am
    • Like
  15. Member

    James Lileks (View Comment):

    I get sedated for any heavy-duty work. It’s wonderful. But over a holiday weekend a few years ago I had a monster ache, and went to an all-hours dentist in a strip-mall next to a lube shop. Extraction was required. Nothing available but novocaine, and the tooth broke off so they had to fish around for the roots. I felt nothing, and was reminded what a boon modern dentistry is.

    Wow! Was that in Uzbekistan?

    • #15
    • November 7, 2018 at 6:31 am
    • Like
  16. Member

    • #16
    • November 7, 2018 at 12:05 pm
    • Like