Admissions Committee Meeting

 

Chairman Megrim: We’re down to the last four candidates for our final slot in the class of 2023. Professor Melena?

Professor Melena: Dennis Whitehead. Fifth in his class at Quincy High School, 1440 on his SAT, swims and plays water polo, Eagle Scout, plays guitar for the school jazz quartet and has his own band, volunteers at…

Professor Caruncle: Etc., etc., etc. Grind, what are the numbers?

Professor Grind: Zero. English, Scots, Irish, French, Swedish, and a touch of Bohemian.

Professor Otitis-Medea: That white male’s not going to get the privilege of attending his first pick!

(All laugh)

CM:  Okay, let’s get to the real candidates.

PM: Elizabeth Herring. Valedictorian at Tomanchi High School in Oklahoma City, SAT of 1520, track, chorus, debate, volunteer librarian, and tutors ESL students.

PC: Grind?

PG: 1/1024 Native American or possibly South American.

PC: That’s it? Nothing else?

PG: The rest of the DNA is English, Scots, Irish, French, and a bit of German.

POM: Humph! I bet she’s really proud of that 1/1024! Well, she can take that to her safety school.

(All laugh)

CM: I hope the next one is better.

PM: Yes, indeed! Maria Rainwater. Salutatorian at Cochise High School in Flagstaff, Arizona. 1420 on her SAT, swimming, math club, State science fair finalist, plays piano, speaks Spanish and … Chinese? Tutors Native American children at an elementary school.

PC: Wow! Grind, is she full Native American?

PG: Uh, no.

PC: How much? Half? One-fourth?

PG: None.

All: What!?

PG: Her DNA profile shows 100% Asian. One-eighth Han Chinese, the rest various minority groups from Central and South China.

POM: Let me see her file. Hmmm … Oh my God! Did any of you idiots bother reading this? She was adopted from China as an infant, and both of her adoptive parents are white! And she has the gall to think she can attend this prestigious university with a 1400 SAT. Typical Asian!

CM: Is the last one any better?

PM: I think so. Clifton Brown, 30th in his class at Booker T. Washington High School in Selma, Alabama. SAT of 1320, basketball and track. And the best part is that he has a CDIB card showing he’s 25% Chippewa.

PC: Grind, is that confirmed by his DNA test?

PG: Yes. One-quarter Native, half African American, the rest…

POM: Who cares about the rest?! Fellow members of the Admissions Committee, we have our last member of the class of 2023!

PM: Uh, there’s one little problem.

CM: What? Does he want to go somewhere else? We can give him some pretty nice incentives.

PM: No, it’s just that there was a little accident with a javelin at his last track meet, and, well, he was in a coma for two weeks. He’s awake now and undergoing speech therapy, and I’m told there’s a good chance he’ll make a full recovery.

PC: So, you’re telling us he’s…

PM: Well, we may need to wait until he’s fully recovered and put him into a later cohort.

POM: Are you kidding me?! You’re going to discriminate against him because of a little injury! He’s even a better fit for us! African American, Native American, and handicapped! Think what he’ll do for our diversity!

PM: Well, I guess.

POM: Is there any chance he’s gay, too?

Published in Humor
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There are 13 comments.

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  1. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Well done.

    • #1
  2. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    Not far off the mark. We have a friend that’s son graduated fourth in his class at Penn State in premed and can’t get into  Med school.

    • #2
  3. GLDIII Reagan
    GLDIII
    @GLDIII

    When as a nation you accept mediocrity as a criteria rather than meritocracy you will no longer be great and influential power.

    • #3
  4. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    Hilarious!

    • #4
  5. Jim McConnell Member
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    @josepluma, for a moment there I thought you were writing satire; but it rings pretty true to me.

    • #5
  6. JosePluma Coolidge
    JosePluma
    @JosePluma

    PHCheese (View Comment):
    nation

    Nursing school.  

    • #6
  7. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    Nicely done, very funny.

    I heard Scott Adams on Adam Carolla today. Adam asked him to describe one of his lefty positions, and he chose reparations. (Ugh.)

    He thought we should finance (we? No, the 1%, of course) free college for all blacks, to once and for all make up for slavery.

    Now, obviously just about everything there is is wrong with this idea. But the saddest thing is that my first reaction was “A college education? Srsly? A modern-day college education? Hahahaha – what’s that worth??”

    • #7
  8. Clifford A. Brown Member
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Wait, you got access to evidence in the Harvard trial?

    • #8
  9. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    The Scarecrow (View Comment):

    Nicely done, very funny.

    I heard Scott Adams on Adam Carolla today. Adam asked him to describe one of his lefty positions, and he chose reparations. (Ugh.)

    He thought we should finance (we? No, the 1%, of course) free college for all blacks, to once and for all make up for slavery.

    Now, obviously just about everything there is is wrong with this idea. But the saddest thing is that my first reaction was “A college education? Srsly? A modern-day college education? Hahahaha – what’s that worth??”

    Haven’t they suffered enough?

     

    • #9
  10. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Not far off the mark. We have a friend that’s son graduated fourth in his class at Penn State in premed and can’t get into Med school.

    Why would he want to? At this point, being a Doctor isn’t so prestigious, nor is it remunerative.

    • #10
  11. JosePluma Coolidge
    JosePluma
    @JosePluma

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Not far off the mark. We have a friend that’s son graduated fourth in his class at Penn State in premed and can’t get into Med school.

    Sorry, I don’t know what happened when I replied the first time.  Have him look at nursing.  He’ll be hands-on with patients years before he would as a doctor, have a lot more versatility, and not be saddled with debt.

    • #11
  12. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    JosePluma (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Not far off the mark. We have a friend that’s son graduated fourth in his class at Penn State in premed and can’t get into Med school.

    Sorry, I don’t know what happened when I replied the first time. Have him look at nursing. He’ll be hands-on with patients years before he would as a doctor, have a lot more versatility, and not be saddled with debt.

    He is working as an EMT.

    • #12
  13. JosePluma Coolidge
    JosePluma
    @JosePluma

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    JosePluma (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Not far off the mark. We have a friend that’s son graduated fourth in his class at Penn State in premed and can’t get into Med school.

    Sorry, I don’t know what happened when I replied the first time. Have him look at nursing. He’ll be hands-on with patients years before he would as a doctor, have a lot more versatility, and not be saddled with debt.

    He is working as an EMT.

    Even better.  Nursing is a great idea for him.

    • #13
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