A Zeal for Diplomacy

 

Dear Mister President:

It has come to my attention that you now have an opening in your administration for a new Ambassador to the United Nations (UN). If I may be so bold, I should like to put forward my own name for the position. My previous diplomatic experiences include: making collections and repossessing cars for a finance company on the east side of Joliet, IL, back in the 1980s; cajoling and directing incompetent computer operators to properly run jobs and fix problems from a remote location when they were too far away to choke and/or beat to death as Darwin would have approved of; and as a consultant, firing clients with extreme prejudice.

I already have built a tool chest for diplomacy, including such items as chains, brass knuckles, and a rather nice leather whip with brass studs that was made in India to give my diplomacy that international flavor so prized at the UN.

I would like to assure you that I am ready, willing, able, and zealous to start immediately applying diplomacy down at Turtle Bay. Of course, I will also happily give a demonstration of my diplomatic talents in the Senate confirmation process along with my assistant Mister “Stiletto” Angelini.

Thank you,
The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

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  1. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    This is what happens when you leave empty slots on the Group Writing Schedule, folks. Better sign up right quick.

    • #1
  2. John Seymour Member
    John Seymour
    @

    Arahant (View Comment):

    This is what happens when you leave empty slots on the Group Writing Schedule, folks. Better sign up right quick.

    Win-win.

    • #2
  3. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    I expect to see Senator Haley of SC and Attorney General  Graham after the midterm. Trump’s son-in law to the U.N.

    • #3
  4. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Arahant: The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

    One of the best campaign slogans I’ve read in a long time . . .

    • #4
  5. Hang On Member
    Hang On
    @HangOn

    Arahant: The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

    Yankees or Mets?

    • #5
  6. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Hang On (View Comment):

    Arahant: The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

    Yankees or Mets?

    I’ll beat on either.

    • #6
  7. Matt Balzer, Straw Bootlegger Member
    Matt Balzer, Straw Bootlegger
    @MattBalzer

    John Seymour (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    This is what happens when you leave empty slots on the Group Writing Schedule, folks. Better sign up right quick.

    Win-win.

    Yeah, I’m not seeing the problem here.

    I mean, other than that he probably won’t get the job.

    • #7
  8. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Matt Balzer, Straw Bootlegger (View Comment):
    I mean, other than that he probably won’t get the job.

    I guess we’ll just need a campaign to write in for the President to nominate me.

    • #8
  9. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    You’re hired! Oh, can I do that?? Not only excellent experience but well-equipped. Awesome!

    • #9
  10. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Arahant: My previous diplomatic experiences include: making collections and repossessing cars for a finance company on the East Side of Joliet, Illinois back in the 1980’s …

    Oh, that must have been a laugh riot.

     

    • #10
  11. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Percival (View Comment):
    Oh, that must have been a laugh riot.

    It was, brother. Sometime, maybe I’ll tell the best of those stories.

    • #11
  12. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):
    Oh, that must have been a laugh riot.

    It was, brother. Sometime, maybe I’ll tell the best of those stories.

    It wasn’t exactly Joliet, but this reminds me that I had a professional land surveyor (at a historical surveying event) tell me about doing some surveys near the Illinois-Indiana state line in East Chicago. It sounded like a good test of one’s reflexes.

    If I remember right, the two states paid for the original survey because the feds wouldn’t do it, and settlers along the border thought it would be good to know which state they were in. John Tipton (of Battle of Tippecanoe fame) accompanied the survey crew and wrote a crude journal. Government surveyors were often unwelcome in Indian country (which some of that was at the time) so it wasn’t the first time a surveyor on that line had to be aware of possible hostilities.  The government surveyors sometimes had to be diplomats, too.  

    I usually just drive past Joliet as quickly as I can, but one time in the mid 80s I had a car breakdown of sorts at the I80 rest stop west of Joliet. Had the car towed to a garage in Joliet, put the family up in a motel, and called to say I wouldn’t be getting back to work as scheduled.  I had the car re-towed after the first garage tried to rip me off, and it all ended well (and inexpensively). And I did get back to work as scheduled.  

    There. That’s my Joliet story. Now let’s hear yours!

    • #12
  13. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    The Reticulator (View Comment):
    That’s my Joliet story. Now let’s hear yours!

    I lived there for over twenty-five years, so I have a few more than one.

    • #13
  14. Clifford A. Brown Contributor
    Clifford A. Brown
    @CliffordBrown

    Arahant (View Comment):

    The Reticulator (View Comment):
    That’s my Joliet story. Now let’s hear yours!

    I lived there for over twenty-five years, so I have a few more than one.

    So you did a long stretch in Joliet. But, did you leave on a mission from God?

    • #14
  15. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):
    So you did a long stretch in Joliet. But, did you leave on a mission from God?

    Yes, I do believe I did.

    • #15
  16. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):
    So you did a long stretch in Joliet. But, did you leave on a mission from God?

    Yes, I do believe I did.

    Mission Objective #1: stay off of Collins Street.

    • #16
  17. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    I’m thinkin’ you’re the right man for the job.

    Make sure you wear the cape on day 1.

    • #17
  18. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):

    I’m thinkin’ you’re the right man for the job.

    Make sure you wear the cape on day 1.

    Yeah, gonna need a bigger cape for that job. (You know, to cover all the weaponry.)

    • #18
  19. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    I recommend affixing it with fast-clips sewn directly onto the shoulders of your body armor.  That way, you can unclip it in the blink of an eye when it’s time to go into the GI-Joe-With-The-Kung-Fu-Grip dynamic mode.

    Which you’d need to do frequently, in that job.

    • #19
  20. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    What most of those jaspers need is a smoking head noogie:

    • #20

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