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Dear Mister President:
It has come to my attention that you now have an opening in your administration for a new Ambassador to the United Nations (UN). If I may be so bold, I should like to put forward my own name for the position. My previous diplomatic experiences include: making collections and repossessing cars for a finance company on the east side of Joliet, IL, back in the 1980s; cajoling and directing incompetent computer operators to properly run jobs and fix problems from a remote location when they were too far away to choke and/or beat to death as Darwin would have approved of; and as a consultant, firing clients with extreme prejudice.
I already have built a tool chest for diplomacy, including such items as chains, brass knuckles, and a rather nice leather whip with brass studs that was made in India to give my diplomacy that international flavor so prized at the UN.
I would like to assure you that I am ready, willing, able, and zealous to start immediately applying diplomacy down at Turtle Bay. Of course, I will also happily give a demonstration of my diplomatic talents in the Senate confirmation process along with my assistant Mister “Stiletto” Angelini.
The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat