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A Zeal for Diplomacy

 

Dear Mister President:

It has come to my attention that you now have an opening in your administration for a new Ambassador to the United Nations (UN). If I may be so bold, I should like to put forward my own name for the position. My previous diplomatic experiences include: making collections and repossessing cars for a finance company on the east side of Joliet, IL, back in the 1980s; cajoling and directing incompetent computer operators to properly run jobs and fix problems from a remote location when they were too far away to choke and/or beat to death as Darwin would have approved of; and as a consultant, firing clients with extreme prejudice.

I already have built a tool chest for diplomacy, including such items as chains, brass knuckles, and a rather nice leather whip with brass studs that was made in India to give my diplomacy that international flavor so prized at the UN.

I would like to assure you that I am ready, willing, able, and zealous to start immediately applying diplomacy down at Turtle Bay. Of course, I will also happily give a demonstration of my diplomatic talents in the Senate confirmation process along with my assistant Mister “Stiletto” Angelini.

Thank you,
The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

Published in Group Writing
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There are 20 comments.

  1. Member
    Arahant Post author

    This is what happens when you leave empty slots on the Group Writing Schedule, folks. Better sign up right quick.

    • #1
    • October 9, 2018 at 11:58 am
    • 2 likes
  2. Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    This is what happens when you leave empty slots on the Group Writing Schedule, folks. Better sign up right quick.

    Win-win.

    • #2
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:05 pm
    • 7 likes
  3. Member

    I expect to see Senator Haley of SC and Attorney General Graham after the midterm. Trump’s son-in law to the U.N.

    • #3
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:16 pm
    • 2 likes
  4. Thatcher

    Arahant: The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

    One of the best campaign slogans I’ve read in a long time . . .

    • #4
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:19 pm
    • 3 likes
  5. Member

    Arahant: The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

    Yankees or Mets?

    • #5
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:33 pm
    • Like
  6. Member
    Arahant Post author

    Hang On (View Comment):

    Arahant: The Diplomat with the Baseball Bat

    Yankees or Mets?

    I’ll beat on either.

    • #6
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:40 pm
    • 6 likes
  7. Member

    John Seymour (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    This is what happens when you leave empty slots on the Group Writing Schedule, folks. Better sign up right quick.

    Win-win.

    Yeah, I’m not seeing the problem here.

    I mean, other than that he probably won’t get the job.

    • #7
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:50 pm
    • 2 likes
  8. Member
    Arahant Post author

    Matt Balzer, Straw Bootlegger (View Comment):
    I mean, other than that he probably won’t get the job.

    I guess we’ll just need a campaign to write in for the President to nominate me.

    • #8
    • October 9, 2018 at 12:52 pm
    • 1 like
  9. Contributor

    You’re hired! Oh, can I do that?? Not only excellent experience but well-equipped. Awesome!

    • #9
    • October 9, 2018 at 1:27 pm
    • 2 likes
  10. Thatcher

    Arahant: My previous diplomatic experiences include: making collections and repossessing cars for a finance company on the East Side of Joliet, Illinois back in the 1980’s …

    Oh, that must have been a laugh riot.

     

    • #10
    • October 9, 2018 at 3:31 pm
    • 4 likes
  11. Member
    Arahant Post author

    Percival (View Comment):
    Oh, that must have been a laugh riot.

    It was, brother. Sometime, maybe I’ll tell the best of those stories.

    • #11
    • October 9, 2018 at 5:20 pm
    • 4 likes
  12. Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):
    Oh, that must have been a laugh riot.

    It was, brother. Sometime, maybe I’ll tell the best of those stories.

    It wasn’t exactly Joliet, but this reminds me that I had a professional land surveyor (at a historical surveying event) tell me about doing some surveys near the Illinois-Indiana state line in East Chicago. It sounded like a good test of one’s reflexes.

    If I remember right, the two states paid for the original survey because the feds wouldn’t do it, and settlers along the border thought it would be good to know which state they were in. John Tipton (of Battle of Tippecanoe fame) accompanied the survey crew and wrote a crude journal. Government surveyors were often unwelcome in Indian country (which some of that was at the time) so it wasn’t the first time a surveyor on that line had to be aware of possible hostilities. The government surveyors sometimes had to be diplomats, too.

    I usually just drive past Joliet as quickly as I can, but one time in the mid 80s I had a car breakdown of sorts at the I80 rest stop west of Joliet. Had the car towed to a garage in Joliet, put the family up in a motel, and called to say I wouldn’t be getting back to work as scheduled. I had the car re-towed after the first garage tried to rip me off, and it all ended well (and inexpensively). And I did get back to work as scheduled.

    There. That’s my Joliet story. Now let’s hear yours!

    • #12
    • October 9, 2018 at 9:45 pm
    • 2 likes
  13. Member
    Arahant Post author

    The Reticulator (View Comment):
    That’s my Joliet story. Now let’s hear yours!

    I lived there for over twenty-five years, so I have a few more than one.

    • #13
    • October 9, 2018 at 10:53 pm
    • 4 likes
  14. Contributor

    Arahant (View Comment):

    The Reticulator (View Comment):
    That’s my Joliet story. Now let’s hear yours!

    I lived there for over twenty-five years, so I have a few more than one.

    So you did a long stretch in Joliet. But, did you leave on a mission from God?

    • #14
    • October 10, 2018 at 12:23 am
    • 8 likes
  15. Member
    Arahant Post author

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):
    So you did a long stretch in Joliet. But, did you leave on a mission from God?

    Yes, I do believe I did.

    • #15
    • October 10, 2018 at 12:26 am
    • 5 likes
  16. Thatcher

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Clifford A. Brown (View Comment):
    So you did a long stretch in Joliet. But, did you leave on a mission from God?

    Yes, I do believe I did.

    Mission Objective #1: stay off of Collins Street.

    • #16
    • October 10, 2018 at 5:10 am
    • 1 like
  17. Member

    I’m thinkin’ you’re the right man for the job.

    Make sure you wear the cape on day 1.

    • #17
    • October 13, 2018 at 12:49 pm
    • 2 likes
  18. Member
    Arahant Post author

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):

    I’m thinkin’ you’re the right man for the job.

    Make sure you wear the cape on day 1.

    Yeah, gonna need a bigger cape for that job. (You know, to cover all the weaponry.)

    • #18
    • October 13, 2018 at 12:56 pm
    • 2 likes
  19. Member

    I recommend affixing it with fast-clips sewn directly onto the shoulders of your body armor. That way, you can unclip it in the blink of an eye when it’s time to go into the GI-Joe-With-The-Kung-Fu-Grip dynamic mode.

    Which you’d need to do frequently, in that job.

    • #19
    • October 13, 2018 at 1:50 pm
    • 4 likes
  20. Member
    Arahant Post author

    What most of those jaspers need is a smoking head noogie:

    • #20
    • October 13, 2018 at 2:00 pm
    • 3 likes