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Order … It’s Not What I Thought
Order? Order, you say? It is something I used to strive for in my life. I diligently worked to have everything turn out how I thought it ought to for quite a while. I was a young married woman, with a son, a job, and some plans. Then, we had baby number two. We were delighted to have her. She had a rocky first few months because of colic, and there were a few times when I actually had to just hand her over to Dad, and go outside and walk around a bit because I was exhausted from the crying. But, she overcame that, too, and was a precocious and adorable baby.
When she was about nine months old, I discovered to my shock, that one can get pregnant while nursing a baby. So, our third child was born when our son was three, and his first sister was sixteen months old. A funny thing happened: it was easier to deal with three children than two. I don’t know why. Maybe it was that I’d already figured out how to handle more than one child, or maybe it was because the older two could entertain each other for minutes at a time, allowing me the chance to change a diaper, or get a drink of water. By this time, of course, I was no longer working outside our home. But I was the Queen of the Castle, for sure. (By the way, the total children count is five.)
But, it was also right around then, that I had a life-changing revelation:
I was not in charge of everything.
Seriously. I could not control everything in my world!
I was astounded to have that revealed to me one day. I don’t even remember the circumstances, but I do remember the amazing freedom that came along with that revelation. For one, I had been thinking that my children were like the dolls I played with as a little girl. Their very existence was because of me, and so they were mine, and I was in charge. Well … they weren’t. They were actual independent human beings, who were born with a personality, and their own wants and desires. I could no more alter that than I could stop the sun from coming up in the morning.
I could direct, guide, teach, implore and set a good example. But, as far as my role as Queen of the Castle, or Mother of the Universe — hmmm, no. So, the day that it was revealed to me (I keep using that term because it really did feel like a message from Heaven) that I was not in charge of everything, I finally found order in my life.
I could guide, teach, direct. I could set up routines, and teach them to my children. I could do all that I could do to provide order to their lives at home, and then let them go out there into the world and go for it! Any notion that I was in charge of what they chose, what they were talented at, or what they found compelling and worth their time, was laid aside.
I’m so glad that I learned this, too. It freed me up to have a great life of my own! It also introduced me to many activities and interests that I hadn’t considered before. But, when my child took up a new endeavor, then naturally, as a parent, it became interesting to me, too. They taught me many things, even as I taught them.
I hope I’ve communicated what my best life lesson was. If you think that “order” means that you control everything in your life, as I did, then relax. You don’t. But you are in charge of how you, personally, handle you. Sure, teach your children good principles, teach them how to work, and how to stick with it, and how to be kind, and honest. But, then — let it go! You’re not the boss of everything. You’ll have a much better life if you figure that out.
And that is a second important insight. God is in charge, and we decide how we react to things. There’s an old Chinese story that keeps coming back to the exemplary character asking, “Who’s to say what is good or bad?”
Order is the theme for Group Writing this month. We still have four openings, including tomorrow, if anyone is inspired to bring some order to this joint. Our sign-up sheet awaits, lonelier than the Maytag repairman.
My kids came home from camp some years back with this saying, “There is a God, and I’m not him.”
Restated: “You are not X’s Higher Power, he has one of his own.”
We got from 2 to 3 kids in likewise manner. My wife’s OB said, “Ah, Irish Twins!” 15 months apart, and yet very different personalities.
One day, I was just struck by how totally unique from each other my children were. I don’t know why I was so surprised, because I remember thinking how I wasn’t at all like my sisters, yet, we are rather cookie-cutter in appearance!
Those aren’t Irish twins. Irish twins would be less than a year apart.
My sisters are Irish twins. One’s birthday was in September. The following year the other was born in August.. So for about two and a half weeks, they are the “same” age.
I’m the middle child in Irish Triplets. My older brother and younger sister are 22 months apart. However, we were bottle fed.
Great photo, Cow Girl. I see you’re teasing your oldest. That’s the way to do it. Tease ’em, cajole, ‘em, tell ‘me jokes. The best thing you can do for them is foster their sense of humor. A kid can never go too far off the rails if he can laugh at himself.
It’s a good lesson that would save a lot of grief and anxiety for the parent: Wish I could accept it myself.
Nothing was ever as hard as going from 0 kids to 1 (we are working on number 8 due in Dec.). I’ve become convinced God isn’t concerned about the baby sleeping through the night, but rather our heart in dealing with it. One of the life lessons my dad taught me, was that you don’t often get to choose your circumstances, but you always get to choose your attitude.
We found going from 0 to 1 hard, but not as hard as going from 2 to 3, especially when they were so close in age. Sure, we knew better what we were doing, but juggling a 3yo, 15mo, and a newborn was grueling. When we added number 4, it wasn’t nearly so hard.
Maedel’s brothers are also like this, b0rn in 96/97 (note: Maedel is adopted and we kept good ties with the birth family).
We have sons and daughters too. I cannot believe how blessed I am. (And I thank the Everlasting God of Heaven and Earth.) You are blessed too!