Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma’am!

 

I’m starting this draft on Friday.

I spent the majority of this week up in Miami for a conference. I stayed in a nice little hotel a stone’s throw from Trump Doral. It’s a niche place called “La Quinta Inn.” I brought a 35-pound kettlebell and a 25-pound mace, so early mornings and evenings were spent grappling with physics.

The one great Korean restaurant I’ve been able to find in south Florida is close to the hotel, Bistro Bulgogi. The place is legit enough that frequently I’m the only customer who is not of the Han-Gook. They always remember me there. Sure, part of it’s the fact I’m a good tipper. (A coupla times, I’ve said “No change,” and the waitress looked at me a little stressed and asked, “Are you sure?”) Mostly it’s because I’m probably one of the only customers they’ve ever had that will, after an awesome repast of bulgogi bibimbap (double meat, no egg on top) and a double of all the relishes, will, when the waitress comes up to ask, “will there be anything else?” replies, “Yes, ma’am. I’d like the whole thing, again.”

Again?

Again.

The whole thing?

The whole thing.

They love me.

Rolled into town Sunday night.

Monday conference day went great. Monday night, I had some real issues with nightmares. Eh, part of the price of doing business, and I’m healthier than I have any right to be, so no bigs.

Tuesday conference day went great. Post conference worked out, cleaned up, got my Korean fix on, and went back to the room to read. Fell asleep reading on the bed. The bed decked out with that hotel favorite of all-white everything. With a dip in. Might’ve been a little droolage (Sorry, La Quinta!). Cleaned out and rinsed the swampy Copenhagen mess. It was 10 pm; I figured that if I was going to have another night dancing with and dangling on nightmares, I wanted something to drink when they woke me up. Maybe beer. Maybe sparkling water. Okay, I’ll get both. Contingencies.

Siri told me that there was a Publix grocery store 4.7 miles away. I knew there was one closer, but didn’t feel like doing discovery learning in the heart of Miami (Doral) at night, looking for a target that Siri didn’t know about. The route she gave me was a little goofy; not surface streets, but this expressway for one exit, then another for two. Still, Miami is a traffic nightmare no matter what time one travels, so I went with it.

Found the Publix. Got my beer. Got my San Pellegrino. Headed back to the hotel.

Siri gave me a route home that had a lot more surface streets. Good. Miami expressways are violence and anarchy at 70 mph. Was cruising down the street at about 35-40 mph and a car appeared right in front of me. Not “a car that I tracked did something totally contravening the laws of traffic and common sense did something outrageous that I couldn’t react to.” Nope, just right there in front of me.

I knew impact was imminent but still tried to steer away. This resulted in me striking the left rear of the other car with the right front of mine. Pretty spectacular collision. I went past the other car, pulled over, and ran back to the other car to check on the driver. Little old lady, latin, stocky, hair in a bun. Awesome. I’d just done a vehicular assault on an abuela. I gave her a hand out of her car and ensured she was okay.

We were right in front of a little restaurant. I turned to the manager/owner/whatever that came out and asked him to call the police. He said, “I am the police.” Okay, ego boy, I’mma assume your brothers in blue are en route.

Three POs showed up, in three different cars. The senior guy was big and swaggered. He had a cigar stuck in the corner of his mouth and ran the scene like a champ. Though he was big, he hadn’t gone to seed, and I assessed that he was a Class A brawler. First thing I thought when I saw him was “old school.” Could’ve taken him in about 3.2 seconds and his two li’l minions within a couple seconds after that. I clamped down on that schnitt hard. No way I want any kind of challenge leaking out the sides of my eyes over that. Besides, I’d clipped abuela; I deserved what I got.

I was more than a little distraught. I’m a humdinger driver. No, that’s not a self-assessment. The USG and our dear taxpayers have spent a buttload of money ensuring that I’m one of the best drivers on the road. If you are on the road when things went to hell in a handbasket, you want to be in the vehicle I’m driving. The laws of probability shift to your favor. The laws of physics are a bitch, so no promises. How had that happened? Had my too many TBIs caught up with me? Is this PTSD’s mirthful yet merciless way of manifesting?

I could alternatively see/hear the lead officer give guidance and direction to the other two young officers. He counseled them as they denuded me of my weapons. I didn’t have any firearms on me or in the car but otherwise, it was kind of like Mad Max clearing himself to get into Barter Town. I found out later that the senior was retired, but had a gig where he still pulled duty three to four nights a month as a silverback, mentoring junior patrol guys. (@dougwatt, you heard a these kinds of programs? Your feedback if you have? Guy was solid, if a wee bit self-impressed.)

Officer Silverback ran me through a field sobriety test. Fine. I was totally unimpaired and willing to participate. I almost volunteered to do a breathalyzer or blood test but long years of training told me not to volunteer for nothing. At one point he said, “Breathe in my face.” Ooookay. I exhaled all over his mug. He asked, “What’re ya, drinking vodka so no one can smell it?” I beat down the impulse to say vodka smells. I just said negative.

The I Am The Law restaurateur walked up to Officer Silverback and told him (in Spanish) “I got it all on video.” Silverback turned to his minions and said, “I’m going inside, run him through it again.”

So the reindeer games continued. Just as I was wondering whether I should break out some back hand-springs or handstand pushups just to put the canard that I might be blotto to rest, Officer Silverback came back out and told his guys to cease work. Huh. He pulled me aside and said, “Look, you hit somebody in the rear of her vehicle and I gotta cite you for careless driving.”

“Roger that.”

“But I just seen the film, and I gotta tell ya, I’m not sure if I could’ve evaded that.”

“Roger that.”

“So, I’m citing you, but she’s got a suspended license, no insurance, and damn sure no English (this guy’s last name was Velez, or Hernandez, or something like that, so it wasn’t as racial as it might sound). You can pay fines, do driver’s school, yada-yada, but I’m telling ya if it was me, I’d go to court.”

“Roger that.”

I couldn’t drive my car because the airbag had deployed. So, rather than park the vehicle on the side of the road in Miami, I consented to have it towed. I took an Uber back to the hotel. We arrived safely with no accidents.

Next morning, I got a rental, closed out the conference, and went home.

Pro tip:  If you’re ever in Miami and have an accident and your vehicle gets towed, you have to show up in person to release the vehicle to your insurance company/mechanic/mechanic’s contracted tow crew. Who knew? Four hours of my life today was spent on road, to and from the tow lot. Two hours at the tow lot making calls and ensuring everyone was going to get paid. Still, there were high points. When I showed up, I became the third person in line to talk to the dispatcher. The first was a well turned out lawyer lady, with frizzy red hair. She argued that her husband (the name on the registration) was in Ireland, but she needed the car today. Second in line was an obvious stripper (her sports-bra shirt bore the legend of her Gentlemen’s Club employer; not that I was fixated on that, or her). File under “reasons I love ‘Murica,” the hot lawyer commiserating with the hot stripper over how wrong this all was. They formed a little mini sisterhood. Brought a tear to my eye.

Shuffling paperwork back and forth with the tow company dispatcher lady, I noticed on the police “driver information exchange form” that abuela was supposedly two months younger than me. That made me a little angry.

As I pulled into my little, rooty-poot gated community a couple hours later, I got a call from my insurance investigator lady:

Mr. Mongo, I want to notify you that I’ve concluded my investigation.

Okay.

This is one of the wildest claims I’ve ever covered.

(Uh-oh) Okay.

I just want you to know that we find you have no liability whatsoever. You are not at fault whatsoever. There is no way you could have avoided the collision, and in fact, if you had not reacted as quickly as you did, the accident may have been far worse.

Okay.

Sir, it looked like a setup, like she baited you into a collision. We are pursuing action against her.

Okay.

So, onto the weekend.

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  1. Al French, sad sack Moderator
    Al French, sad sack
    @AlFrench

    USAA?

    • #1
  2. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Al French, sad sack (View Comment):

    USAA?

    Ah, no.  I was a USAA guy from about the time I was 22 until last year, after hurricane Irma.  Then USAA dumped me, citing “family driving history.”  No one in my family had had an accident or ticket for four years.  But, after they got done paying off claims from Irma, I guess they decided to lighten the load. 

    After they dumped me, I went to Progressive.  Half the coverage at twice the cost.  But they done right by me.

    • #2
  3. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Whew, Boss! You gave me some cardio workout, there; so glad all is well!

    • #3
  4. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Whew, Boss! You gave me some cardio workout, there; so glad all is well!

    Nanda, it’s all good.

    • #4
  5. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Mmmm… boolgogi.

    • #5
  6. Doug Watt Member
    Doug Watt
    @DougWatt

    I’ve never heard of the type of program that you referred to in your post, especially when it comes to training on the street. I was a pretty low key officer on the street. I didn’t adopt the tough guy persona for effect. I’m 5’9″ tall and weigh between 195 to 200 lbs. That was my hockey playing weight, my weight as a police officer, and my weight today. My weight appears proportional to my height. I never felt the need to act like a tough guy, but if someone was going to do something stupid, like resisting arrest, I didn’t threaten them, I just took them down to the pavement without a warning.

    The woman’s suspended license is her problem, and I didn’t take advice from a restaurant owner, nor would I be interested in his video feed of the accident. No injury then it becomes your insurance company’s headache. I’m going to tow her car and cite her for driving without insurance. No injuries, and your car is drivable then off you go with your vehicle.

    This is a civil matter for your insurance company. The woman driving while suspended is a statutory problem, but it’s not your problem.

    • #6
  7. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    As I was leaving a parking lot one day, I checked the rearview mirror and looked both ways before backing out. But the car directly behind me, also parked, chose that exact moment to back out right into me. When I’d looked, they weren’t moving and their brake lights weren’t on. It was obvious they had done it on purpose to commit insurance fraud. My tank of a Suburban didn’t have a scratch on it, but their bumper was dented.

    They were foreigners, not very good English. It was a couple from some Asian country, I don’t know which, maybe China or Korea, but it was plain to  see that this was what they do for a living. I got out of the car and told them they had bumped into the wrong person, that I saw through them like a window, that I knew they had done it on purpose and if I ever see them again I am calling the police, and got back into my Suburban and left. I never heard a peep out of them. I mean get a job.

    • #7
  8. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):
    After they dumped me, I went to Progressive. Half the coverage at twice the cost. But they done right by me.

    Their spokeslady creeps me out. She’s a dead ringer for a former fellow employee who consistently made the top three in the “spot the shooter” sweepstakes that I occasionally conduct in off-moments.

    • #8
  9. Lash LaRoche Inactive
    Lash LaRoche
    @MikeLaRoche

    Boss Mongo:

    Still, there were high points. When I showed up, I became the third person in line to talk to the dispatcher. The first was a well turned out lawyer lady, with frizzy red hair. She argued that her husband (the name on the registration) was in Ireland, but she needed the car today. Second in line was an obvious stripper (her sports-bra shirt bore the legend of her Gentlemen’s Club employer; not that I was fixated on that, or her). File under “reasons I love ‘Murica” the hot lawyer commiserating with the hot stripper over how wrong this all was. They formed a little mini sisterhood. Brought a tear to my eye.

    Loved that part.

    • #9
  10. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    Boss Mongo’s one of those rare writers who’s worth the membership fee all by himself. As Mark Steyn calls himself, Mongo’s a One Man Content Factory. 

    • #10
  11. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals. 

    • #11
  12. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals.

    Ricochet Reads: The Right Words by the Right People.  Add El Colonel in there and there’s no stopping it…

    • #12
  13. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    No one, but no one, else on Ricochet can generate such a good story as our Boss Mongo. Bingo!

    • #13
  14. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals.

    Ricochet Reads: The Right Words by the Right People. Add El Colonel in there and there’s no stopping it…

    As always, you are luminously correct, Nanda, but I thought I tacitly included El Colonel in my list…I think I misunderstand the join authorship of El Colonel. But like professional wrestling, I’m not asking the participants to spell it all out and ruin the mystery. 

    • #14
  15. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals.

    Ricochet Reads: The Right Words by the Right People. Add El Colonel in there and there’s no stopping it…

    As always, you are luminously correct, Nanda, but I thought I tacitly included El Colonel in my list…I think I misunderstand the join authorship of El Colonel. But like professional wrestling, I’m not asking the participants to spell it all out and ruin the mystery.

    I have the same confusion.  I read the bio of El, and it refers to owning a black pepper plantation in Costa Rica.  Exactly how many pepper moguls do we have on this site?

    • #15
  16. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals.

    Ricochet Reads: The Right Words by the Right People. Add El Colonel in there and there’s no stopping it…

    As always, you are luminously correct, Nanda, but I thought I tacitly included El Colonel in my list…I think I misunderstand the join authorship of El Colonel. But like professional wrestling, I’m not asking the participants to spell it all out and ruin the mystery.

    Think Fred Dannay and Manny Lee, of “Ellery Queen”…

    • #16
  17. Mim526 Inactive
    Mim526
    @Mim526

    Boss, you really gotta think about writing a book or something.  Your adventures stateside alone keep us on the edge of our seats.  Even the bureaucracy comes off interesting in your stories.  

    Thanks for another captivating tale.

    • #17
  18. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    As always I am humbled by the presence of Nanda, honored by the highly informal, non-prosecutable, extraordinary secret event of a facsimile of a USMC pinning. 

    To be fair, I am honored by being in the presence of anyone who even survives a USMC pinning “ceremony”.  

    • #18
  19. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals.

    Ricochet Reads: The Right Words by the Right People. Add El Colonel in there and there’s no stopping it…

    As always, you are luminously correct, Nanda, but I thought I tacitly included El Colonel in my list…I think I misunderstand the join authorship of El Colonel. But like professional wrestling, I’m not asking the participants to spell it all out and ruin the mystery.

    Think Fred Dannay and Manny Lee, of “Ellery Queen”…Writing as themselves *about* their namesake…Nifty!

     

    • #19
  20. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    I was hoping to be lavaliered.

    • #20
  21. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    Now, Judge, you know better than anyone else that Ricochet Silent Radio doesn’t use lavalieres. We use Forties RCA mikes shaped like pepper shakers (77DX), or bow ties (the 44 series). 

    • #21
  22. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Now, Judge, you know better than anyone else that Ricochet Silent Radio doesn’t use lavalieres. We use Forties RCA mikes shaped like pepper shakers (77DX), or bow ties (the 44 series).

    What would be the Greek equivalent of USMC?

    • #22
  23. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    As always I am humbled by the presence of Nanda, honored by the highly informal, non-prosecutable, extraordinary secret event of a facsimile of a USMC pinning.

    To be fair, I am honored by being in the presence of anyone who even survives a USMC pinning “ceremony”.

    As ever, Gary, you are gracious and uniquely able to make others’ gifts known to them in ways they might not see for themselves. Thank you!  (Who knew I could manage to believably read lines? You did.)

    The pinning anniversary party was fun and deeply humbling.  Brothers and sisters, allies and friends made it truly memorable.  It’s good that Righty’s gift of a set of dress blues is virtual, thus repairable: Ronin, Steve C., TBA – and ST – were the architects of a “carrier landing” involving 30-weight oil, draft beer, and shaving-cream – to prep the ‘runway’ (the O-Club bar, in an undisclosed location) for my coasting from one end to the other. I’m fervently glad to have been safely caught after the run: Whoa, how awesome was that!

    • #23
  24. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Now, Judge, you know better than anyone else that Ricochet Silent Radio doesn’t use lavalieres. We use Forties RCA mikes shaped like pepper shakers (77DX), or bow ties (the 44 series).

    What would the Greek equivalent of USMC?

    Paging @arahant

    • #24
  25. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Now, Judge, you know better than anyone else that Ricochet Silent Radio doesn’t use lavalieres. We use Forties RCA mikes shaped like pepper shakers (77DX), or bow ties (the 44 series).

    What would the Greek equivalent of USMC?

    Paging @arahant

    @arahant, please just give us Greek.  We don’t need Elf, Dwarf or Orc.

    • #25
  26. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    Now, Judge, you know better than anyone else that Ricochet Silent Radio doesn’t use lavalieres. We use Forties RCA mikes shaped like pepper shakers (77DX), or bow ties (the 44 series).

    What would the Greek equivalent of USMC?

    They’ve got a Marine brigade, the 32 ΤΑΞ ΠΝ – 32η Ταξιαρχία Πεζοναυτών Mοράβας.

    • #26
  27. Simon Templar Member
    Simon Templar
    @

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    No one, but no one, else on Ricochet can generate such a good story as our Boss Mongo. Bingo!

    He is good, especially so when you take under consideration his youth and inexperience.

    • #27
  28. Simon Templar Member
    Simon Templar
    @

    Gary McVey (View Comment):

    I’m dead serious. If, say, Boss Mongo, Dave Carter, and Simon Templar helmed a fiction business, it could publish on paper, be an online giant, and even form the steel chassis of a online “cable” TV network. They are really that good, and have that much ready-to-produce content stockpiled and ready to be adapted.

    Obviously, there are other Ricochet writers and friends who could also fit into that. I’m no perfect architect of deals.

    Will cocktails be made available? 

    • #28
  29. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Simon Templar (View Comment):
    Will cocktails be made available? 

    Pretty much have to do that.

    • #29
  30. She Member
    She
    @She

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    No one, but no one, else on Ricochet can generate such a good story as our Boss Mongo. Bingo!

    Or should that be Bongo?  Or Mingo?  Sorry.  Can’t help myself.

    • #30
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