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I was taking a break on Labor Day, flossing and brushing to get at the indestructible remains of a popcorn kernel lodged between my left iTooth and gum. The tiny screen on my iToothbrush began to blink, signaling an incoming video conference call.
I knew it was a wrong number, but being intellectually curious (in fact, having just won my local Mensa organization’s Most Intellectually Curious Award for the third year in a row), I tapped the iToothbrush screen. Siri announced that my conference call would be underway shortly and asked me to join. The only thing I could make out through the blue Crest suds on the screen was the massive outline of Michael “Feed Me” Moore. I forwarded the call to my desktop.
Democrat luminaries Bill “O’Bomb’em” Ayres, Debbie “Wassamatter” Schultz (streaming live courtesy of her staff in Pakistan), Rachel “Aiesha” Dolezal, former CIA head John Rodham Brennan, and Feed Me flanked the moderator, the comely, bright-eyed Alexandria Virginia Occasionally Hernan Cortez, on a dais before Democrat members of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
“This is important [expletive],” Cortez said to the senators. “There are already 15 white Republican men on the Supremo Court of the Columbia District in America. We need wise Latinas for a change.”
Feed Me leaned his gigantic head in and whispered to Cortez, his massive jowls and wattle quivering.
“Sonya who?” Cortez asked, then pointed to a half-dressed, elderly white man mumbling unintelligibly and wandering aimlessly around the room. “And who is that gringo viejo?”
“Senator Leahy,” Feed Me said. “He’ll be addressing us through his interpreter. No one, not even Leahy, knows how old he is.”
“Should I wear my pearls?” spry octogenarian CA Senator Dianne Weinstein asked Cortez.
“Yes, but only in your eyebrows and nose,” Cortez said. “You can get them pierced at your neighborhood bodega in Pacific Heights.”
“I want to wear my ‘Queen Kamala 2020’ button,” Queen Kamala Harris called out. “I want to go first tomorrow and I want him and his big eyeballs to go last,” pointing to Senator Cory Haim Booker.
Before Cortez could ask “O’Bomb’em” Ayres who Queen Kamala and Cory Haim Booker were, bedlam broke out in the back of the room.
Colon Oscopy Kaepernick burst into the meeting. His beachball-sized afro knocked over one of the security personnel, a red robe and wimple-clad Handmaid. Colon immediately knelt and raised his hand.
“Yo,” Colon said.
“Hey, Colon,” Cortez said in a high-pitched squeal, obviously smitten. “We’ve blocked the Senate committee from having the anthem or the pledge at the hearing tomorrow.”
“Oh,” Colon said as he knee-walked toward the dais. “Just tell me where to kneel.”
“Point of order,” IL Senator Dick Bourbon said in his trademark devious growl. “Senator Sheldon Shitehouse and I are late for our Democrat Caucasian Caucus meeting at Burning Tree Country Club.”
“Me, too,” CT Senator Richard Blue Menthol said, “and after that I’ve got my Viet Nam Tunnel Rat Reunion to attend. I can’t wait to meet those guys I served with in Nam.”
I had heard enough to know Judge Kavanaugh was in for a tough hearing. His Yale law degree and 12 years on the DC Circuit Court of Appeal would be no match for these worldly, street-wise Democrats I had just seen in action.
Fearing the worst for Brett, but still very curious, I went back to work on my acceptance speech.