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Holiday Weekend News Dump

 

This being the Friday of the start of the Labor Day holiday weekend, governments around the nation, and indeed the world, are using the day for an especially large dump of stories they’d like to see buried and gone. Let’s take a quick survey:

  • Robert Mueller’s ever-widening probe into Russian collusion has now snared the Vatican. Mueller has indicted Pope Francis on charges of Russian collusion. Mueller’s lawyers have been seen in company with former pontiff Benedict, likely putting pressure on Benedict to turn on Francis. Of course, we all know that Benedicts have a habit of turning, particularly around the hollandaise.
  • Pope Francis has countered by seeking protection from Donald Trump and has offered to coronate him as the new Holy Roman Emperor. Trump tweeted in reply “I’m a great Cathlic, I really love the Cathlics. And the new casino next to St. Peter’s will be the best.
  • Former FBI Director James Comey tweeted: “Good. I’ll bet Mueller will love some covfefe with his eggs Benedict.”
  • Meanwhile, it has been revealed that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has died. In fact, it was discovered that she had really died three weeks before, but due to advances in CGI, with an assist from Abyss Creations, a leading company in realistic recreational robots, had managed to have her soul transferred into a new doll. RBG has been thus ruled “immortal”, and is now the first permanent Justice on the court. She has already inked a book deal for her autobiography, simply to be called Ruth.
  • Abyss Creations announced, however, that a failed prototype RBG clone bot, simply called Ruth, had escaped their lab and even succeeded in obtaining a California driver’s license. “Ruth” has already been booked for speaking engagements on multiple college campuses, and has signed a book deal for her autobiography, to also be called The Book of Ruth. The original RBG, or at least the authorized RBG is suing for royalties.
  • As it turns out, Pope Francis is also suing for copyright infringement, claiming The Book of Ruth is, in fact, already trademarked by The Vatican. The 9th Circuit Court has issued a preliminary injunction against the book’s publisher while the mess is sorted out. The 9th Circuit has itself meanwhile inked a book deal to document the case, with the working title of Ruthless.
  • Lastly: In response to the growing threat of anti-trust action from the Trump administration, and in response to allegations of biased search results, blacklisting members, and shadow-banning posts, Twitter, Google, and Facebook have, again with the assistance of Abyss Creations, combined their AI algorithms into a giant mechanical robot called TwitBoogle, which was last seen starting forest fires in southern California.
  • In response, both RBG and “Ruth” have revealed their secret identities as superheroines and are doing battle with the TwitBoogle monstrosity. Disney / Marvel reportedly already have a screenplay in the works. Robert Mueller has indicted Disney / Marvel on Russian collusion charges, and Abyss Creations is suing for copyright.
Published in Humor
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There are 29 comments.

  1. Thatcher

    Great stuff Skip

    • #1
    • August 31, 2018 at 8:50 am
    • 4 likes
  2. Thatcher

    SkipSul: Pope Francis has countered by seeking protection from Donald Trump, and has offered to coronate him as the new Holy Roman Emperor. Trump tweeted in reply “I’m a great Cathlic, I really love the Cathlics. And the new casino next to St. Peter’s will be the best.

    The bingo alone will be epic!

    • #2
    • August 31, 2018 at 8:53 am
    • 17 likes
  3. Moderator
    SkipSul Post author

    Percival (View Comment):

    SkipSul: Pope Francis has countered by seeking protection from Donald Trump, and has offered to coronate him as the new Holy Roman Emperor. Trump tweeted in reply “I’m a great Cathlic, I really love the Cathlics. And the new casino next to St. Peter’s will be the best.

    The bingo alone will be epic!

    That was almost a coffeve out the nose comment.

    • #3
    • August 31, 2018 at 8:57 am
    • 6 likes
  4. Moderator

    Image result for covfefe meme

    • #4
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:00 am
    • 7 likes
  5. Member

    SkipSul: both RBG and “Ruth” have revealed their secret identities as super heroines

    Humph. Nobody’s going to believe this unless they show up wearing fabulous costumes.

    • #5
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:27 am
    • 3 likes
  6. Member

    I look forward to the re-establishment of the Holy Roman Empire.

    • #6
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:28 am
    • 10 likes
  7. Member

    Rather than choosing a single “sarcastic slow clap” gif, I present this:

    http://www.smosh.com/articles/handy-guide-sarcastic-clapping-gifs

    • #7
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:29 am
    • 1 like
  8. Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I look forward to the re-establishment of the Holy Roman Empire.

    It wasn’t holy.

    It wasn’t Roman.

    It wasn’t an empire.

    But dang, it was an impressive bit of something.

    • #8
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:31 am
    • 8 likes
  9. Thatcher

    Priceless! Simply priceless!

    • #9
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:32 am
    • 2 likes
  10. Member

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I look forward to the re-establishment of the Holy Roman Empire.

    It wasn’t holy.

    It wasn’t Roman.

    It wasn’t an empire.

    But dang, it was an impressive bit of something.

    When it was established, it was an empire. The problem was Salic law and the constant dividing of the territory.

    • #10
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:36 am
    • 5 likes
  11. Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I look forward to the re-establishment of the Holy Roman Empire.

    It wasn’t holy.

    It wasn’t Roman.

    It wasn’t an empire.

    But dang, it was an impressive bit of something.

    When it was established, it was an empire. The problem was Salic law and the constant dividing of the territory.

    • #11
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:40 am
    • 3 likes
  12. Reagan

    Clearly Skip has too much time on his hands. You would have thought with a booming economy, and everyone and his brother ordering trucks with the patented battery charging balance modules, he would not have time for doing FAKE NEWS!

    • #12
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:42 am
    • 13 likes
  13. Member

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    Hey, did you listen to the latest GLoP/Remnant podcast? They have a message just for you embedded within it, and it isn’t “cantaloupe.”

    • #13
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:44 am
    • 4 likes
  14. Moderator
    SkipSul Post author

    GLDIII (View Comment):

    Clearly Skip has too much time on his hands. You would have thought with a booming economy, and everyone and his brother ordering trucks with the patented battery charge balance modules, he would not have time for doing FAKE NEWS!

    You’re just lucky I didn’t work another bad pun about the Vatican. I didn’t think of it at the time, but I missed a great opportunity for also including the line There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

    • #14
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:47 am
    • 17 likes
  15. Thatcher

    GLDIII (View Comment):

    Clearly Skip has too much time on his hands. You would have thought with a booming economy, and everyone and his brother ordering trucks with the patented battery charge balance modules, he would not have time for doing FAKE NEWS!

    He’s going for a gig at CNN . . .

    • #15
    • August 31, 2018 at 9:48 am
    • 4 likes
  16. Contributor

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    GLDIII (View Comment):

    Clearly Skip has too much time on his hands. You would have thought with a booming economy, and everyone and his brother ordering trucks with the patented battery charge balance modules, he would not have time for doing FAKE NEWS!

    You’re just lucky I didn’t work another bad pun about the Vatican. I didn’t think of it at the time, but I missed a great opportunity for also including the line There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

    [GROAN]

    • #16
    • August 31, 2018 at 10:04 am
    • 6 likes
  17. Thatcher

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I look forward to the re-establishment of the Holy Roman Empire.

    It wasn’t holy.

    It wasn’t Roman.

    It wasn’t an empire.

    But dang, it was an impressive bit of something.

    Good music, middling food … snazzy uniforms though. The entire army dressed like NYC doormen.

    • #17
    • August 31, 2018 at 10:17 am
    • 7 likes
  18. Member

    I laughed.

    Then I realized that the real news will be even more zany when I get home.

     

    • #18
    • August 31, 2018 at 10:59 am
    • 2 likes
  19. Coolidge

    Ah, now I’m caught up.

    • #19
    • August 31, 2018 at 11:45 am
    • 3 likes
  20. Thatcher

    RyanFalcone (View Comment):

    I laughed.

    Then I realized that the real news will be even more zany when I get home.

     

    SkipSul: Robert Mueller has indicted Disney / Marvel on Russian collusion charges, and Abyss Creations is suing for copyright.

    You know, I think reading all my news here will actually add years to my life! I’ve read that laughter keeps us young and healthy!

    • #20
    • August 31, 2018 at 12:07 pm
    • 5 likes
  21. Thatcher

    :-D

    • #21
    • August 31, 2018 at 1:27 pm
    • 2 likes
  22. Thatcher

    Cow Girl (View Comment):
    I’ve read that laughter keeps us young and healthy!

    That’s why I keep looking in the mirror first thing in the morning. I feel sad to begin with, but then I burst out laughing . . .

    • #22
    • August 31, 2018 at 1:46 pm
    • 5 likes
  23. Member

    Skipsul, people can get in real trouble for releasing classified government secrets if they are not democrats. Please be careful.

    • #23
    • August 31, 2018 at 2:26 pm
    • 8 likes
  24. Member

    SkipSul: Robert Mueller’s ever-widening probe into Russian collusion has now snared the Vatican. Mueller has indicted Pope Francis on charges of Russian collusion. Mueller’s lawyers have been seen in company with former pontiff Benedict, likely putting pressure on Benedict to turn on Francis. Of course, we all know that Benedicts have a habit of turning, particularly around the hollandaise.

    I feel like there’s something to be said here about how many divisions the Pope has but I’m not sure exactly what.

    • #24
    • August 31, 2018 at 2:36 pm
    • 4 likes
  25. Member

    I love this, thanks

    • #25
    • August 31, 2018 at 7:10 pm
    • 3 likes
  26. Member

    Brilliant. Way to get the endorphins flowing, @skipsul. Feel free to drop these each and every Friday :-)

    • #26
    • August 31, 2018 at 7:40 pm
    • 7 likes
  27. Member

    I’m absolutely delighted with this post and some of the comments. Lifted my spirits greatly. Keep it up.

    • #27
    • September 1, 2018 at 7:53 am
    • 6 likes
  28. Contributor

    Most excellent analysis. You had me at “Mueller has now indicted Pope Francis.”

    • #28
    • September 1, 2018 at 10:30 am
    • 4 likes
  29. Member

    SkipSul: As it turns out, Pope Francis is also suing for copyright infringement, claiming The Book of Ruth is, in fact, already trademarked by The Vatican.

    I was skimming the page and thought this was Bethany’s roundup and actually believed this line. I had to read several more unbelievable things before I realized this was farce. OK, I’m slow. Well done.

    • #29
    • September 2, 2018 at 1:20 pm
    • 5 likes