Never Going Back

 

Juan was late to work on that Monday, a very rare occurrence. He had been working for me for over a year, doing the hard, hot, messy work of making low pressure injection molded poly-urethane branches for cell phone towers (in order to dress them up to look like trees). It was early 2012, and telecom was one of the few, still booming industries (as opposed to my native construction, which was still trying to get back up from a beat down by the Great Recession).

I had hired Juan on a hope and a prayer. His past was no secret; most of it was scrawled or stamped across his body in tattoo form. He had Oakland Raiders logos, scantily clad ladies, Spanish quotations, and a few other pictures and landscapes coating his hands and arms. A cryptic code was stamped across his knuckles, the tail of some kind of lizard or snake curled up from his shirt collar and wrapped around his left ear, and two double digit numbers marked his face, just outside of both eyes. He was about 5’6” with a muscular build, dark skinned, kept his black hair buzzed short, and when he was concentrating, his face rested to an intimidating scowl.

Juan had gained an interview through the intercession of his supervisor in a faith-based addiction recovery program who happened to be a friend of my mother’s. His supervisor had been working with him for several months, and had seen what looked to be a real willingness in him to leave his twelve years of methamphetamine addiction and gang violence behind and take up the mantle of a productive member of society. When my mother’s friend heard I was in need of entry-level labor, she called right away: our work was perfect for giving Juan the second chance he needed. The pay was not great, but it was hard, steady work that would look good on a resumé after two years of consistent performance. Furthermore, outside of basic safety apparel, appearances in our messy warehouse did not matter, and the tattoos that would keep him out of most other jobs were a non-issue. She also knew that I held a great respect for those who show a true willingness to change for the better and might grant a chance where another employer might not.

When Juan first walked in, it was difficult to see past the tattoos and the obvious signs of past gang involvement. But his collared shirt and pressed pants were clean and well fitting, his handshake was firm, and he spoke clearly and directly; understanding and answering all of my questions promptly and honestly. Without my knowledge of his past, I might not have pondered at all, but brought him in immediately. But I was still responsible for millions of dollars worth of equipment, tooling, and sales. Sure we had practices to protect ourselves from potentially thieving employees, but I needed to build some sort of reconciliation between my desire to give Juan the chance he needed while providing my boss the security and productivity he needed.

But that reconciliation was soon swallowed by a massive work order with an impossible deadline. Juan was in, for no other reason than the fact that I needed bodies, and I needed them yesterday. The following days mocked my hesitation, as I was constantly rewarded by my decision to hire Juan. He learned quickly and accurately – needing one clear explanation and little other guidance. He had an aptitude with tools that allowed him to work quickly and safely, and within a month his productivity rivaled the top workers in the shop. He arrived early every day to stretch and sip coffee half an hour before the doors opened, and was always eager for an opportunity to work overtime. For the first three months of his employment, we had to deal with state-mandated random drug tests as a result of the penance he was still paying for his past drug use. He would receive a text on his phone, and if he was not at the government office within an hour, he was in some sort of violation. These were inconvenient when they happened mid work day, but Juan was happy to come to make up hours whenever possible, and eventually, these tests petered out as he passed them and fulfilled his requirements.

Over the next year and a half, Juan became my top warehouse worker, eventually becoming a supervisor of our most difficult manufacturing department. The rest of the office staff and I had the privilege of helping Juan navigate through the process of gaining custody of his kids from foster care (their mother’s whereabouts unknown; still deep in addiction). Life for Juan was much tougher once he brought his boys home, but he had some help from his mother and was determined that his kids should have a father who was active in their lives. We did what we could to help him out wherever possible; giving him extra hours, personal projects, and help in planning for the future. He was advancing rapidly through the warehouse ranks, and all of us quietly wondered where he could go from here.

It was in this time that Juan hit a plateau. He had made supervisor, but that was the top position we could offer him; the next jump was to warehouse manager, which was one of the several hats I currently wore, and at our growth rate we would not be able to turn that role into a full-time position for another couple years. In the meantime, the cost of living in California as a single dad on warehouse wages kept him from developing any kind of financial stability and security. He continued to grind, but the effects of the constant effort were beginning to show, and his positive attitude that was once so easy and free became a product of strength and will. I watched carefully. I have worked closely with folks who have battled various forms of addiction, and I know that these plateaus are the moments when relapse is the easiest. I encouraged Juan any chance I could get, and sought opportunities to lighten his load and push him through the grind wherever possible, while still honoring his personal autonomy.

Juan was in the middle of this plateau when he showed up late to work on Monday with no notice. My radar went up immediately. He was quiet when he arrived; apologized, promised to make up the hours, and went straight to work. On Tuesday he showed on time, but his quiet, brooding temperament, that was so out of character, persisted. That afternoon I checked his production numbers and saw he was clearly lagging from his normal pace. He did not act like someone in a drug relapse, but he was clearly off for some reason. As I sat pondering how to best address this, Juan stuck his head into my office.

“Can I talk to you boss?”

I invited him in and asked him what was up. He was clearly not himself. His shoulders slumped, and his face was locked in the concentration of someone in deep pain. Quietly, with as little movement as possible, he explained that he had a severe toothache, and it was difficult for him to perform to his full strength. Methamphetamine is notorious for wrecking the teeth of its users, and 12 years of consistent use had left Juan’s teeth in bad shape. On Sunday night, two of his molars had literally disintegrated in his mouth midway through his meal. The nerves were fully exposed and every movement was excruciating. He had not eaten anything, he hardly talked, and drinking water was blindingly painful. I immediately leapt to my feet,

“We’ve got to get you to a dentist”

“I can’t afford it, boss. There’s a CHC dental clinic on Saturday that is free. Aside from that, I can get painkillers from the Emergency Room. That’s it.”

While Juan sat silently with the vacant look of someone resigned to great pain, I spent the next hour on the internet and phone to friends and acquaintances, trying to find someone who would let Juan into their office. I would vouch, I would pay; we would figure it out. I have a thing about teeth. I have been haunted by dreams of my teeth crumbling in my head, and have had plenty of chipped teeth and cavities myself; and I could not stand the thought of someone having to sit in this condition for the rest of the week. After at least an hour of effort, I had exhausted all the resources I could think of and we were no better off.

“I guess we’ve got to get you to the ER”

“I already went boss. The wanted to give me Norco. I told them I can’t do that. It’s habit forming, and I’m an addict.”

His sentences were short and chopped. The words squeezed out with as little movement as possible. He continued,

“They brought another painkiller. The one they give that isn’t habit-forming. I told them I can’t do that one either. For some people, it works. But I’ve had that drug before, and for me, it’s habit-forming. So they gave me ibuprofen. It helps a little.”

I pressed him.

“Come on man, you’ve got to get something. I’m sure they know what they’re talking about. Are you sure that stuff would be habit-forming with you?”

There was a long pause. Juan had been staring vaguely over my shoulder for most of the conversation. Obviously the pain was of far more concern to him than this conversation. But after my last question lingered in the air for a moment, he shifted, and he looked me squarely in the eyes; the dead look of pain completely evicted by the cold steel of resolve.

“I’m never going back boss. I ruined my life once, and I’m not doing it again.”

The words dropped like a rock and sat. Humbled, I let the weight of that truth resound through the room for several minutes before I could bring myself to respond.

“What can I do?”

“I’m ok boss. I can make it to Saturday. I just might be a bit slow this week. I can make up production for free if you need. I’m sorry, I’m not full strength, but I just need the money.”

“No worries. We will make it work”

As the week went on, either the pain reduced a bit, or Juan got better at dealing with it, but after our talk, his countenance improved a bit. Eventually, Saturday came, and by Monday, he was back to his usual self; singing, laughing, joking, and cranking out product – in all ways behaving like a man delighted to be free. And free indeed.

I wish this story ended right here. I worked with Juan for two years, and aside from this one incident, he was always positive, and always grateful. Positive despite the fact that he would get pulled over at least once a month, presumably for his looks, and as a result suffered two or three tickets a year – for low tread on tires; for no registration sticker, even though the fee was paid; for a crack in the windshield, etc. Positive despite the fact that while he worked for me, his cousin, who was still in Juan’s previous lifestyle was brutally tortured, murdered, and dismembered by a rival gang. Positive despite the fact that he was wading through custody battles for his kids, fighting the State who wanted him to still pay crippling amounts of child support to their mother, even while he had full legal custody of the kids; court date after court date he argued his case, each iteration robbing him of valuable time and resources. Occasionally I would challenge him on how he was managing to handle these difficulties. He’d just shrug and tell me that after the mistakes he had made, he was just grateful to not be dead or in prison. Yet from an outside perspective, it seemed to me the barriers set in place to encourage and enforce good behavior had become barriers to change as Juan tried to straighten his life out; requiring superhuman strength to overcome.

About a year after this story, Juan got pulled over while giving his brother a ride. Juan’s brother had a warrant for his arrest. The car was searched, and the officers found methamphetamine and an unregistered firearm in Juan’s brother’s bag in the trunk. How much Juan was directly involved was never clear to me, but both of them ended up in jail. At Juan’s request, I wrote a letter vouching for his character in the context that I knew it, but that was the last I heard of or from him until just about a month ago. A friend of mine who is a Sheriff’s deputy working at the county jail told me he had a ‘customer’ who said he knew me. It was Juan. I haven’t found out how to make contact, I don’t know what I would say if I did make contact, or if I even can. But I was happy to hear from my buddy that Juan is still sober and clean (to the best of his knowledge), and is one of the best guys in the jail to work with. He extended greetings, and I asked my buddy to extend them back in the most heartfelt way possible. I wish him nothing but the best. Juan showed me a will to change like I have never seen. I hope one day he really can find a way break free from the chains of his past.

Published in Group Writing
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  1. Col. Chortle Blendtec, USSF Coolidge
    Col. Chortle Blendtec, USSF
    @ltpwfdcm

    That’s sad, I live this story out all the time in my job in corrections/mental health. Hopefully Juan can stay on the right path even despite this setback.

    • #1
  2. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    Thanks for sharing. 

    It is so hard to get into recovery, and so hard to get free of that world once you are in it.

    • #2
  3. Front Seat Cat Member
    Front Seat Cat
    @FrontSeatCat

    That is an amazing story – just truly stunning – so many lessons. The strength of the human spirit, dignity in work, don’t judge a book by its cover, we are our brother’s keeper.  I hope he makes it – you were a part of that.  God bless you both.  Thank you for sharing it.

    • #3
  4. Bethany Mandel Coolidge
    Bethany Mandel
    @bethanymandel

    What an incredible story, thank you so much for sharing. I’m enraged for him.

    • #4
  5. KentForrester Coolidge
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    Stubbs, pro-level narrative!  Wonderfully told story.  Who wouldn’t root for the guy?

    The landscaping business here in the Portland area is run and manned almost exclusively by Mexicans (Mexican-Americans?  Hispanics?). I’ve rarely seen such a cheerful and industrious workers.

    Mexicans perform the toughest physical jobs around here.  There is some truth in the oft-repeated idea that Mexicans perform jobs that native-born workers won’t perform.  In fact, whenever I see guys doing the tough jobs—roofers, mowers, heavy construction— I assume they’re Mexicans.  I’m usually right.

    Last week, I hired a Mexican-owned firm to install some fake grass in my front yard.  The owner came here in 1975, worked in tough blue-collar jobs for many years, and then started his own business.   Mexican-Americans in this area are often the quintessential free enterprise  success stories.

    I might not be so enthusiastic if I were closer to the Mexican gangs that terrorize some neighborhoods in southeast LA.  What a change!  I grew up in a much more peaceful Compton (straight outta) 60 years ago when the downtown was  transitioning from Black to Hispanic.  My best friend in high school was a Mexican-American, who was smarter and much more ambitious than I was.  We were both majoring in art at Compton Junior College. I’ve lost track of him.  I wish I knew what happened to him.  Tony Urquidez, if you’re reading this, get in touch.

    • #5
  6. Archie Campbell Member
    Archie Campbell
    @ArchieCampbell

    Stubbs: I haven’t found out how to make contact, I don’t know what I would say if I did make contact, or if I even can.

    Will they let you visit him, or do you have to be family?

    • #6
  7. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    This is why drugs should not be illegal.  It doesn’t stop addicts, but it does make it harder for them to recover.

    • #7
  8. Simon Templar Member
    Simon Templar
    @

    Archie Campbell (View Comment):

    Stubbs: I haven’t found out how to make contact, I don’t know what I would say if I did make contact, or if I even can.

    Will they let you visit him, or do you have to be family?

    That’s what I was thinking.  Yes pay him a visit, during which if the spirit moves you tell him that you may give him a chance/ job when he gets out; but, it would most likely mean he’ll have to start at the bottom again.  Maybe before you go call the county jail to ask if visitors are allowed to give the inmates anything.  Juan may enjoy a copy of Fabricantes de Miseria or even a Bible.

    A friend told me that it is not that hard to cheer up a guy that’s locked up.

    • #8
  9. Simon Templar Member
    Simon Templar
    @

    Skyler (View Comment):

    This is why drugs should not be illegal. It doesn’t stop addicts, but it does make it harder for them to recover.

    But all of the DEA agents would lose their jobs!  (joking)

    • #9
  10. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Just finally had time enough to get through this. Wow. Quite a story, and it sounds as if he still has a will of steel forged in the fires of the hell he went through.


    This conversation is an entry in our Group Writing Series under August’s theme of Will. We still have three slots on August’s schedule, if you have a tale of will. If not, perhaps you have something to say about Order, which is our September theme. Having just opened up the schedule yestereve, we still have twenty-one openings on that schedule.

    The purpose of Group Writing is to give people chances to write on subjects other than politics. Not all of us are Washington insiders, but all of us have encounters with the broader themes of life. If you have not started a conversation on Ricochet, this is an easy way to do so. Of course, you do have to be a member of a level high enough to start your own conversations. So, if you’re not a member, why not join up today?

    • #10
  11. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Sad, and noble, and humbling.  Thank you.

    • #11
  12. Stubbs Member
    Stubbs
    @Stubbs

    Simon Templar (View Comment):

    Archie Campbell (View Comment):

    Stubbs: I haven’t found out how to make contact, I don’t know what I would say if I did make contact, or if I even can.

    Will they let you visit him, or do you have to be family?

    That’s what I was thinking. Yes pay him a visit, during which if the spirit moves you tell him that you may give him a chance/ job when he gets out; but, it would most likely mean he’ll have to start at the bottom again. Maybe before you go call the county jail to ask if visitors are allowed to give the inmates anything. Juan may enjoy a copy of Fabricantes de Miseria or even a Bible.

    A friend told me that it is not that hard to cheer up a guy that’s locked up.

    This is great advice.  I have not made a great effort to see if I can visit.  I would like to, but I’ve just hesitated; not knowing what I can offer.  I’m not in a position to offer him a job in my current endeavors, and if I’m perfectly honest, I’m a little afraid of seeing him for fear he will have lost hope and not be the man of this story any more.  But this; “a friend told me that it is not that hard to cheer up a guy that’s locked up” has the sweet, humble taste of a truth that matters.  I will see what it takes to visit.

     

    • #12
  13. Mole-eye Inactive
    Mole-eye
    @Moleeye

    By all means, go and see him!  When you go leave everything but your ID, a $20 bill, and your car key locked in your glove compartment because you’ll probably have to go through an airport-style search at the jail.  Be patient and respectful to the custodial officers as you get processed through for visiting. When you see Juan, ask if there is anything that you can do to help.  A little money in his canteen fund might be very welcome, for basic toiletries if nothing else.  You can’t bring  him such things but he can buy them in the canteen.  (That’s what that $20 is for.)  You can probably post it for him in the admin office after your visit.  If he wants books buy them from Amazon and have them shipped straight to him at the jail.  Many custodial facilities require that books come in straight from the bookseller.   Find out the name of the attorney who’s representing him, call the attorney and offer to be a character witness at his trial or motion hearings.  Ask Juan about his kids – where they are and who’s looking after them – and spend some time with them if you can.  Let them know how much you care about and respect their dad.  If they’ve been staying with Grandma both they and she would probably be very grateful if you could take them out for a little masculine attention (and relief for her.)   Have Juan let them know that you are planning to visit to allay any fears ahead of time.  If the neighborhood is reasonably safe, start small with a walk to the local park or burger stand for a treat.  If it isn’t, use your best judgement about what to do.

    When you visit Juan, remind him how much you respected his work and commitment to sobriety in the past.  (His ego’s probably flatter than gum on your shoe right now.)  Be factual about your limitations on rehiring him, and that if you can’t take him on when he gets out, that if he’s sober you will serve as a reference to any other future employer.   

    If you do those things, you will be among the blessed.

    Best of luck!

    • #13
  14. Mole-eye Inactive
    Mole-eye
    @Moleeye

    How to find Juan, if you’re dealing with a big-city jail: Get his full name, date of birth, driver’s license and social security number from your employment file on him.  Call the agency that runs the jail, (probably the County Sheriff’s Office) and give them all the info that you have on him to run him in their computer system.  They may want to know his booking number, but since you don’t have that, do your best with what you do have.  They should be able to find him, and if they do, ask them for his booking number and write that down too, for future use.  Then ask them about their policies for visiting, etc.

    • #14
  15. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    I have a lot of experience visiting inmates in Texas jails.  It’s a lot easier to write to him than to visit.  It’s quite an ordeal, even when you’re his attorney to get permission to visit.  

    Every jail I know of has an on-line database that is accurate to the second of who is in the jail.  Look him up and write to him and ask how he’s doing.  Include an unstamped return envelope (they aren’t allowed to have stamped envelopes for some odd reason).  No metal of any kind, no paper clips, no staples, etc.  They use those to make tattoos.  The on-line database will also include a guess as to when he might be released. These are rarely very accurate.

    If you really want to visit in person, look at the visitation rules for that jail on line.  They can be very strict.  Typically you have to be on a list before you can visit, so you’d likely have to write to him first anyway.  

    A personal visit sounds very nice, but it’s not something to do at the drop of a hat.  Even if you have a scheduled visit time, you can count on it taking much of your day, especially if you have to travel.  

    • #15
  16. Front Seat Cat Member
    Front Seat Cat
    @FrontSeatCat

    KentForrester (View Comment):

    Stubbs, pro-level narrative! Wonderfully told story. Who wouldn’t root for the guy?

    The landscaping business here in the Portland area is run and manned almost exclusively by Mexicans (Mexican-Americans? Hispanics?). I’ve rarely seen such a cheerful and industrious workers.

    Mexicans perform the toughest physical jobs around here. There is some truth in the oft-repeated idea that Mexicans perform jobs that native-born workers won’t perform. In fact, whenever I see guys doing the tough jobs—roofers, mowers, heavy construction— I assume they’re Mexicans. I’m usually right.

    Last week, I hired a Mexican-owned firm to install some fake grass in my front yard. The owner came here in 1975, worked in tough blue-collar jobs for many years, and then started his own business. Mexican-Americans in this area are often the quintessential free enterprise success stories.

    I might not be so enthusiastic if I were closer to the Mexican gangs that terrorize some neighborhoods in southeast LA. What a change! I grew up in a much more peaceful Compton (straight outta) 60 years ago when the downtown was transitioning from Black to Hispanic. My best friend in high school was a Mexican-American, who was smarter and much more ambitious than I was. We were both majoring in art at Compton Junior College. I’ve lost track of him. I wish I knew what happened to him. Tony Urquidez, if you’re reading this, get in touch.

    It’s the same here – they make up a lot of the labor force in the home-building industry too. My husband is a landscape designer and manager of a commercial co and the American labor are on drugs, can barely get out of bed, no teeth, unclean and need constantly managed – no work ethic.  The local Hispanic housekeeping teams drive Mercedes and Escalades…..

    • #16
  17. Quietpi Member
    Quietpi
    @Quietpi

    Stubbs, you have a PM.

    • #17
  18. Stubbs Member
    Stubbs
    @Stubbs

    Hey Folks,

    I really appreciate the response you have provided.  It’s edifying and encouraging to say the least.  As of this morning I have have started the process of getting on his visitors list.  If there is interest, I’ll keep you posted as events unfold.  I’m sure there’s a way I can initiate a group update within Ricochet.

    Thanks again.  Your compassion and interest is moving.

    • #18
  19. Doug Watt Member
    Doug Watt
    @DougWatt

    The good news is the bag containing the gun was in the trunk, and not within the reach of the driver or passenger. The bad news is if Juan or his brother have prior felonies the gun is a big problem, as is the meth.

    Hopefully Juan will get the benefit of the doubt, and his record as good employee might be able to help him. If you are able to get in touch with his attorney ask how you can help. Contact your friend, the deputy. He might be willing to educate you on the visiting process, and whatever else you can do for Juan. I would not ask him to deliver anything to Juan for you, but meeting for coffee, or breakfast for information on what you can do should not be a problem.

    • #19
  20. Nanda Pajama-Tantrum Member
    Nanda Pajama-Tantrum
    @

    Stubbs, this is phenomenal!  Prayers for you and Juan…Does the jail have a chaplain/scheduled worship? That may be another point of contact…Just a thought.

    • #20
  21. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Just wow.

    • #21
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