Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Realization
I was at the grocery store for the weekly supply run, checking out. The cashier was a personable young woman, probably a college student, and she greeted me brightly. When I held up my phone to display my loyalty-card bar code, she apologized and said her handheld scanner was out of order. No worries, I said, and gave her my phone number instead.
She began unloading my cart, passing the items one by one over the stationary scanner. Meanwhile I stuck my debit card in the PIN pad and punched buttons, not really paying attention to what she was doing. Then I looked up and saw that this young lady was wrestling the 35-pack of bottled water out from under my cart and maneuvering it across the scanner. I had completely forgotten that it was there, and it hadn’t occurred to me that with her handheld scanner broken, she’d have to do this. By the time I noticed, however, it was too late for me to help.
I laughed awkwardly and said “I guess sometimes a broken scanner is really inconvenient.” Apparently I must have decided that my attempt at humor wasn’t sufficiently lame, because I added “Lift with your legs, not your back!” I meant it as a humorous acknowledgement of how hard her job was, but I knew as soon as I said it that it didn’t work. Here I was, standing there watching her do all the work, making no move to help, and joking about it. I just hoped it didn’t come across that way.
She finished ringing me up, and I thanked her as I began to wheel the loaded cart away. She looked me straight in the eye, a smile frozen on her face, and said “Have an absolutely wonderful day!”
OK. Maybe she really meant it. Maybe she’s just one of those sunny people who talks like that. But I have a suspicion that she was actually making an effort to be the courteous employee, putting on an over-the-top performance while on the inside she was thinking “What a jerk.”
As I walked out to the car I felt embarrassed for having given her the wrong impression. I know myself: I know that I am a kind, caring, sensitive guy. I’m one of the good ones. How sad that I had accidentally left this cashier with the wrong impression about me.
But then a disturbing thought occurred to me: maybe … she’s right. Maybe I am a jerk.
People judge us by our actions and words, not by the thoughts we keep to ourselves. It doesn’t matter what we’re thinking when we’re rude. That’s why social niceties require attention and work, because they don’t happen automatically just because you mean well.
Unfortunately, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become busier and more distracted. I tend to be absorbed in my own thoughts a lot of the time, and I always feel like I’m in a hurry. Added to that is my natural shyness, which has always made me awkward in social situations. So I’m more likely to distract myself with my smartphone than to engage in casual smalltalk; I keep my head down when I’m walking; I breeze past people rather than say hello. And if I find myself forced to interact with someone I don’t know well, I fall back on lame humor, because I don’t know how to do anything else.
It doesn’t matter if I’m a kind person on the inside. On the outside, I’m afraid I am sometimes a jerk. Not because I intend to be; not because I bear ill will toward anyone; but because it’s hard work to be nice to people, and I haven’t made it a habit to try hard enough. This is a sobering realization, and I think it’s something I have to do better at.
But I suspect the next time I go to that grocery store, if I see that cashier working again, I’ll probably just go to a different register. Maybe to the self-checkout line, where I won’t have to interact with anyone at all. It’s easier that way.
Published in General
I agree with you…you were a jerk. How is it that if she was still wrestling with the case of water that it was too late for you to do something to help. I dunno how about jumping in with a “oh my! i forgot, let me help you with that…” or something similar? Just my 2 cents worth but if you pay more attention next time and you won’t have to second guess your conduct.
Join us in the PIT. We’re all jerks over there. We revel in our jerkiness.
Because by the time I noticed, she had already finished scanning it and was in the process of putting it back under the cart. By the time I could have gotten around the counter to help her, she would have been done. That’s how it was too late.
I’m one of those awkward guys too, finding it easier to avoid people than to have to interact with them. If it’s any solace, in the example you’ve given the lady is young, and probably is stronger than you may credit her. I doubt that it made much difference to her.
And “engage in casual small talk?” Kind of a toss-up between that and a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
Call the store and give props for her to the manager. My grocer gives a free sub to any worker that has a customer call to recommend them.
Maybe they do something similar.
It’s small, but it would lift her up.
No, it is not. It’s time to grow up and put on your big boy pants. Start being in the moment and paying attention to the world around you. Put the phone away. Stop using it as a shield. Everything on there will wait. E-mails will wait. Texts will wait. Be human. There’s a great big world of joy and humanity out there waiting for you to discover it.
A small sub would lift her up?
Ha ha. I see what you did there.
The food itself, no. That someone appreciated her service enough to call, yes.
Well, depends on how deep she is.
I like that idea. I should do that. But first I’ll have to go back and pay attention to what her name tag says…
🤦♂️
Be a man.
The next time you are in the store, seek her line. Mention the incident to her and apologize.
Having spent half of my life as a jerk, I understand your anguish. Best way to not feel that way is simply to Not Do Jerkish Things.
And that will be hard to do from the self checkout line.
I was going to take my binoculars with me and use those to inspect her from a distance. Seems like that would be safe.
Keep your head up when you’re out walking. Projecting confidence somehow will give you some confidence.
Or do it just for your own safety. Know what’s going on around you. Pay attention to things out of the ordinary. You can’t do that with your head down.
I think you’re just digging in deeper. Have you thought about having the wife do the shopping?
Amen. Situational awareness.
I agree, even as I’m now setting next to my iPhone waiting for a call-back from the doctor’s office to schedule my next appointment (stupid doctor’s appointment). However, I also find myself “absorbed in my own thoughts a lot of the time”, when I should be paying attention. Sometimes I get a little too comfortable with life.
What’s the saying: If you’re worried that you might be a sociopath, you probably aren’t one?
Your lapse — we all make mistakes — obviously bothered you, suggesting you’re probably a decent guy. Once something like that happens, it’s hard to explain without sounding kind of obsessive. Doctor Robert (#12) has the right idea.
How hard could it be to just say “ Hi- I was distracted and rude the last time I was in. I’m sorry to have made a hash of things. Thanks for being gracious in spite of that.”
Ive learned that I’m more likely to think before I say something flip if I consider if it’s rude instead of clever. The person to talk to is the one you have insulted, not your readers here. And. – I apologize for piling on.
Maybe you aren’t a jerk. Let me relate, quickly, a story:
I was at home, on the deck, and a lady who is a friend of the family came over with her disabled child. As they went to leave she wheeled her kid out on to the deck, then wrestled him in his wheelchair down the 2 back steps. I just stood there and watched. Then suddenly I thought “Why didn’t I offer to help?” I felt bad, and apologized, and she just shrugged it off. But i really thought about it. Why hadn’t I offered to help, immediately?
I talked to my wife later about it she laid it on me: “You aren’t a servant.” I was taken about…”Whaa…?!” “I am so!” “No, you aren’t. That’s not how you are gifted.” She went on “You are gifted at leadership, teaching, understanding and communicating. You are kind, generous and friendly, but you don’t have a servant’s heart.” Gaahh! She’s right.
I am happy to show you how to do it. I’m happy to give you money to do it. But I don’t want to help you do it.
Maybe that’s true of you, too!
Or, maybe we are both just jerks…
I like that.
My wife has a servant’s heart, so she would know.
Giving an “atta-girl” is a gift that keeps on giving. It makes her happy, and it makes you happy for having made her happy. I always compliment people at work who help me, and if it’s above and beyond I email their supervisor. It’s a very easy way to make someone’s day.
Like some of you, I’m a bit shy and sometimes awkward in social situations. I put my foot in my mouth and sometimes am a jerk.
But I’m really good with people I meet during the day. I come across, I think, as outgoing, interested in their affairs, helpful, maybe even cute. Cashiers, gasoline station attendants, casual strangers, beggars—they all love me. I can even imagine what they say as we part: “What a great guy.”
They don’t know me.
You are not a jerk, at all! I believe very strongly in chivalry, but we all make mistakes: yours wasn’t intentional, she was the one being a jerk.
We can all be jerks. Even me. Since being oblivious is a pattern, I’d suggest more than just apologizing to the girl.
As an introvert, I know it’s tough to pay attention to the world around you. You might see someone you know but don’t like and get into a conversation you don’t want to have that will make you late to your next appointment . . . I made a resolution that everyone needs a smile. Everyone, even if they don’t smile back. When I take a walk, I wave and smile. At the grocery store I smile and say hello. At the workout facility, I smile and say hi. It’s not so hard. It’s just building upnew habits. And trust me, after a while you’ll start to enjoy it–really! It takes practice, so sometimes you will forget; just resolve to engage the next time. Rather than beating up on yourself, BXO, just do it. It will literally change your life.
A cashier works thru hundreds if not thousands of customers a week. Many of them a lot jerkier than you. I doubt she would even remember you.
My husband is Irish, land of the smart aleck one-liner. Usually he is truly funny. But every now and then, his listener is flabbergasted by something he says.
My favorite one happened the last night of our Lamaze classes. He had come to the class straight from his office, so he was in a suit. The instructor had us all watch a movie showing an actual Lamaze birth. When the movie ended and before the lights came on, my husband said cheerfully, “That doesn’t look too bad.”
Then the lights came on. Oh my gosh, if glares could kill . . . :-)
What interested me most about this is that the clerk was unloading your cart. I’ve never been in a grocery store where that could happen. In the one we use, I unload the cart, and then bag the stuff. I prefer to do it myself, because I can do it with half the number of bags that the store employee usually uses.