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Clearing the Search History
A few weeks ago I panicked. I rarely ever panic. I was sitting at the kitchen table, researching and writing. I usually sit facing the windows with my back to the room – kids playing and doing assignments behind me, often coming to ask questions every few minutes – math, handwriting assignments, the nature of Infinity Stones, monoglycerides…you know, life.
I typed what I thought was an innocuous inquiry into my search engine and was immediately blasted with a full page of hardcore pornography of the worst kind. My heart raced and I began to feel the heat of terror in my neck. I didn’t know what to do and the milliseconds ticked away. My first thought was of my kids playing behind me. Were they seeing this, or were they occupied? I couldn’t tell because I was turned the other way. My next thought was my wife. She was in the bathroom, also behind me. What would happen if she came out and saw my screen? Would she believe me when I told her it was an accident? So many times in years past it hadn’t been. What would happen now?The clock was ticking. It had been almost a full three seconds and I still wasn’t sure what to do. I saw a couple of the images before I bounced my eyes away – a tactic learned through hard experience. Should I close the page? My computer is notoriously slow to close pages. Back button? Minimize it? Where are the kids right now?
I decided I’d grab the laptop up off the table and spin around to keep the kids from seeing it. Five seconds had passed. Now I stood in the kitchen with a laptop full of porn on the screen and I heard the toilet flushing. My wife would emerge from the door across from me any second. This looks really, really bad. But I didn’t want to look back at the screen. God help me. I decide to summon the discipline to look at the top bar only and hit the minimize button. Now what?
My wife walks out of the bathroom. Before she can see me, I call for help: “Babe, something popped up on my computer screen and it’s really bad. I typed in _______ and got some – careful, kids are listening – really, er, inappropriate results. I’m sorry. Can you help me?”
And I hope for the best.
I used to be heavily addicted to pornography. The spirit is more than willing to stay clear of it, but the flesh is weak, and it’s a discipline I’ve had to learn. My first experience was when I was six years old. There was a gravel pit with dirt mounds at the end of our street where we rode bikes, and one of the neighbor boys had a few pieces of a magazine he’d stashed there. I didn’t understand what it was then, but I did later. By the time I was in high school I had a handy supply of my own – lifted from compost bins, elaborately mail-ordered with a complex method I couldn’t believe worked, recorded from late night cable channels – all hidden.
By the time I got married, the addiction was less severe — regular sex has a way of taming the beast – but still, it lurked. It took several years and plenty of heartache for God to bring us to a place of healing, but He did.
Did I mention my wife is amazing?
Through all of the hard conversations, revelations of deceit on my part, internal dialogues regarding self-image and value on her part, and my best efforts to try and reassure her of my devotion — that all of her, is more than enough for me – she stayed. She has always stayed. Even when her hot Irish eyes wanted to shove a rotten potato down my throat, she stayed.
The years of rebuilding trust have been hard, but our marriage and our intimacy are stronger now in our forties than it ever was in our twenties and thirties. But it all started with that same panicky feeling I was feeling the other day.
For years, even after finding Christ’s healing and forgiveness, I was scared to come clean about the past sins and the current struggle. Every time I was close to telling her, that panicky, shaking feeling would come on. My heart beat faster, my throat and neck got hot, and I succumbed to the fear and shrank back. Then one day I gave the fear a name, Goliath. You know the story; Goliath taunts the Israelites and only David is so sure of his God that he knows the enemy will fail. I knew my wife would forgive me, so why was I so paralyzed by Goliath?
I told her. She continued to love me. She cried, and continued to love me. She learned to trust me, and to help me when my will power is wavering. I learned to place guardrails up in my life, such as:
- Only using the computer in a position that others can see the screen.
- Using a browser (Firefox) that allows plugins that eliminate the ability to use private browsing (called incognito on Chrome), and removes the ability to delete individual pages in history.
- Setting up Norton Family on every mobile device and the kids computers.
- Keeping my search settings to moderate or strict.
- Calling or texting a couple of guy friends anytime the temptation creeps in.
- Having my wife check up on me, asking me frequently, “How are you doing lately?”
It’s not perfect because neither are we. A few years ago after the first tablet – and later my first smartphone – made their way onto our home, the prowling enemy had his way, my will was weak, and I fell off the wagon. Once again I had to go through the confession, rebuild trust, set up new guardrails to beat new technology, which seems designed to make hiding our secrets from the people we love easier.
Is this you? Does any of this sound familiar? Know someone this might apply to?
How did the other day happen? My wife and I noticed the safe search setting on my browser got turned off, and that was all it took. Welcome back to the dog vomit, my friend, there is plenty to go around. What did she do? She cleared the screen for me. She forgave me for seeing what I saw, because even though its appearance on my screen was an accident, pornography’s mere existence is an assault on her, on all women, and on sexuality itself. Did you know sex was God’s idea? He made it, and it’s awesome, and we love it, but it can also be dangerous — like fire, and physics, and love.
If this is your story, or if you know someone who’s will is struggling, know there is always another chapter. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure, it can go several different directions. We need need help.
My computer has a name. I call him Samwise because I’m a Lord of the Rings geek, but this is the real reason:
He looked on the bright point of the sword. He thought of the places behind where there was a black brink and an empty fall into nothingness. There was no escape that way. That was to do nothing, not even to grieve. That was not what he had set out to do. ‘What am I to do then?’ He cried again, and now he seemed plainly to know the hard answer: see it through. Another lonely journey, and the worst.
`What? Me, alone, go to the Crack of Doom and all? ‘ He quailed still, but the resolve grew. `What? Me take the Ring from him? The Council gave it to him.’
But the answer came at once: `And the Council gave him companions, so that the errand should not fail. And you are the last of all the Company. The errand must not fail.’
– J.R.R. Tolkien , The Two Towers
Do you need a Samwise to help you carry it through, to traverse the dead and dying lands, filled with evil and treachery in order to continue the mission God has placed before you? You can overcome this. You can defeat this, but you probably won’t on your own. You can slay Goliath, but another will return tomorrow when you least expect it. Victory is a choice, and it belongs to the Lord, but He gives you helpers to see it through; allies who will speak, and pray, and are only a text or phone call away. I post this on Ricochet but please feel free to send people my way who might need to hear this. PM me, or share my email to those in need, contact@vinceguerra.com and I’ll point them, or you in the right direction to start.
If you’re married, or in a relationship, it starts with her. I know you don’t want to tell your wife, but trust her. It may get ugly, but a lifetime of secrets is uglier. Give her the opportunity to love you in ways you don’t think are possible. Let her show you intimacy like you’ve never experienced before: a physical relationship enhanced by openness and trust where she’s confident that she is the only woman in your life. And when the beast comes calling again – and he will – call out, and watch the weapons of your allies shine in all their glory as they rise to fight beside you.
Published in Group Writing
Simply outstanding, Vince. I have chills and tears in my eyes. May the Lord abundantly bless you and your hot-eyed Irish wife, and may you steer clear of all rotten potatoes now and forever. Amen.
A powerful and courageous testimony and exhortation. Thank you for sharing this, Vince.
You were a wise man to find a girl with Irish eyes.
As a Colleen myself, I support this sentiment.
Outstanding post – lots of hard-earned wisdom there.
That’s a beautifully written post and needs to be heard. The rampant and easy availability of porn on phones and computers is evil and appalling – especially toward vulnerable youth and young marrieds who live and breathe technology. It cheapens and demeans the human relationship, increases violence via rape, and in spite of a decades old feminist movement, its getting worse – the #metoo movement proved it and the recent fall of many well known and successful men.
The blog The Unveiled Wife is a good daily source of wisdom and they as a couple, have talked about this problem, and experienced it. https://unveiledwife.com/blog/
On a funny note, I was at work one day, a big company with open cubicles and decided to take a news break. I typed in CNN, back when CNN was actually a good news site, but you had to type in CNN news, because CNN had been compromised by the worst porn that popped up in all its colorized full screen display on my computer! Shock! I didn’t type CNN for years after that!
Also how does all this Asian and Russian crap get into spam? I was rid of it for a good while but recently tried to get into my old Facebook account (which I could not) to respond to a recent story on Clare Berlinki’s GFM page, and since then, I have been getting infiltrated – UGH!!
Thank you for the encouragement everyone. One thing I’ve learned in advocating on this issue is that the response from women is usually overwhelming, they are desperate to hear from men taking this seriously. But to a large extent, from men it’s mainly crickets. They are typically silent about it, which perplexes me.
Vince I feel you, every word you wrote. Praise God that you advocate on this issue and are so transparent and amazing! I admire you greatly. It was 11 when I stumbled on a pile of very bad magazines in a half buried garbage bag near the house of a high school bully. It got into me then and I never forgot it and it took long, very hard struggle to get to an even imperfect peace on the issue. You encourage me and many others I am sure.
Thank you.
Quite possibly the bravest post ever written on Ricochet. Your last paragraph made me cry. May God Bless you, Vince. And your wife.
Have you run a virus scan lately?
#MRGA!
No, I probably should.
I have known other married men for whom porn was occasionally a problem. It’s not surprising among single men since puberty and marriage are pushed ever further apart. But it surprises me somewhat in marriages.
Contrary to Hollywood and TV, sex does not normally end with marriage. But, as your story suggests, bad habits might not be easy to break even after the root causes — loneliness, idleness, complete privacy — are finally addressed.
I’m not sure burdening a loved one with one’s own interior struggles is always helpful. But if it can help, asking takes courage.
Do y’all think secrets have a place in marriage? Does being totally honest with each other and resolutely together to the fullest extent require that no stone be left unturned?
This.
I lady at church we call Saint Eunice because she’s so incredibly awesome was looking online for an image of Jesus that was on something (bookmark?) she had received as a child in Sunday School. She wasn’t real computer savvy and typed something into the search bar and was immediately assaulted with hardcore porn images. This was several years ago and she hasn’t used a computer since!
I named my firstborn Samwise. I think young Sam the noblest in that story, mostly because of his humility, his understanding of his strengths and weaknesses, and of his true place in the world.
He was tempted with the greatest temptation in that story. He overcame it with humility, and the wisdom of knowing who he was, not what the ring (or porn) was telling him he was, could be.
“In that hour of trial it was his love of his master that helped most to hold him firm; but also deep down in him lived still unconquered his plain hobbit-sense: he knew in the core of his heart that he was not large enough to bear such a burden, even if such visions were not a mere cheat to betray him. The one small garden of a free gardener was all his need and due, not a garden swollen to a realm; his own hands to use, not the hands of others to command.
‘And anyway all these notions are only a trick, he said to himself.”
No stone unturned is a different standard than no secrets. With the exception of a fun surprise for her, or a confidentiality of another, I can’t think of a reason why keeping a secret from my wife would ever be a good idea. I suspect most women- want to know their husband’s hearts, and would rather hear it from them than find out about it on their own.
As a certified chick, I agree with this.
I don’t want my husband to have no privacy, just no secrets. He doesn’t have to tell me everything, but neither should he be hiding things.
I think he feels the same way toward me. I can have my own thoughts, ideas, time to myself, but I can’t hide something from my husband because that is foolish.
If we’ve become one body through our marriage, I cannot keep secrets without harming him and myself as well.
I read and hear discussions of pornography addiction just occasionally, but always with a moralistic overtone, always from self-professed Christians, and never with any consideration given to the possibility that not all pornography viewing is necessarily either addictive or deceitful. Outside of a Christian subculture where the evils of pornography are often an article of faith, I don’t generally encounter people who are very bothered by it.
I don’t mean to question the OPs destructive history with it. Surely it’s something we can get by without and if avoiding it is best for Vince and his family, who am I to judge? I personally gave up alcohol about five years ago. It was no longer good for me, despite the fact that I know many, many people who consume it without problems. But like alcohol, I’d like to suggest we not demonize pornography itself. Like alcohol (and guns, and probably a lot of other things), but it’s not the item itself but how it’s (mis)used by some that is the problem.
I’m not sure how good this data is, but a quick search led me to this report claiming that 64% of men view pornography at least monthly. Do 64% of men really have a problem? I suppose that’s possible. But when what you define as problematic or aberrant turns out to be something most people do, it might be time to stop and re-evaluate. Pornography is a universal part of human culture. It has always been with us and it always will. Sure it can do damage and it’s fine to acknowledge that, but let’s not forget it’s mostly harmless and, since it’s not going anywhere any time soon, let’s make some peace with it.
I think your analogy fails at a very basic level.
Alcohol does not require the use of human beings as objects for pleasure.
This dehumanization damages the user as well as the producer.
I grant you it can. And I grant you there was probably a day when a lot of pornography was produced by people who were little freer than sex slaves. But today it’s a large, sophisticated industry supplemented by a lot of independent freelancers – people for whom it’s either a part time job or a career choice, but in any event, entirely voluntary. I’m unwilling to tell either producers or consumers that they’re “damaged” or “dehumanized” because I say so, if they don’t believe they are. I certainly will stand with you in opposing coerced sex slavery – whether in pornography or prostitution – and I know we haven’t eliminated it entirely even in the USA, to say nothing of globally. What I’m not willing to do is throw the baby out with that bathwater by condemning all the voluntary, consensual, and harmless production and use of pornography that’s out there.
Hard to make money that way.
I haven’t tried. :)
I didn’t say that the people are damaged, although they probably are (remember the syphilis scare that shut down LA’s porn industry for some months some years back?), and I certainly didn’t suggest telling them that they are damaged.
I don’t mind your quotes on “dehumanized” because that is a word I used, but “damaged” is not a word I used so since you are responding to me I feel there should be no quotes on it, although obviously you are welcome to use the word.
I did say that sex for the camera turns people into objects for viewing pleasure, which is dehumanizing. People are subjects, not objects. Chairs, tables, and food are objects.
You can say, “Well, who are you to say that those people don’t choose to be dehumanized?”
They may choose it, and they may even choose it freely, but it still dehumanizes them, and dehumanizing people, even if they freely choose to engage in the contract, is wrong.
They can figure out if they are damaged or not, that is not my business or my point.
My point was that alcohol by itself does not dehumanize. Porn by itself does.
Took me awhile to figure out that this was indeed yesterday’s Group Writing post. I should have looked at the category and tags earlier.
This is indeed an entry in our Group Writing Series under August’s theme of Will. If you have a tale to tell about will, whether will power, a friend named Will, or another aspect of will, we still have several dates left and available. If you are not a Ricochet member, this is why you should become one. It will give you a chance to practice and become an outstanding writer as Vince is.
You said it “damages” them (see comment #19), which I turned into they are “damaged” by it. I fail to see the difference, but perhaps there’s some nuance I’m missing.
As to dehumanization, I’ll just say “dehumanized” isn’t an objective fact. It’s your value judgment. Not necessarily mine or anybody else’s. You’re entitled to your opinion, but that’s all it is.
I’m unconvinced by this line of argument. I’m sure data show that a majority of any group of people is engaging in some level of an activity that is considered problematic, if not wrong. So if a low percentage of weirdos was looking at porn regularly we could all agree it’s a problem, but since practically everyone is doing it – hey, it must not be a problem! At what percentage do we decide that it’s time to stop and re-evaluate? Stealing has always been with us and it always will be. You might even say it is a universal part of human culture. Same for any number of things that a lot of people do. The idea that if something is seemingly ubiquitous and it doesn’t appear to be going anywhere soon so we should just make peace with it seems ridiculous.
If that was my argument, you might have a point. The Nazi SA rampaged through German cities in the early 30s committing assault, murder and mayhem and the sheer quantity of the violence it didn’t make it alright. So clearly ubiquity alone isn’t an appropriate measure and I never said it was. My point, to the contrary, was that if 64% of people do something that is “damaging” you might expect to see more evidence of damage than we do with pornography. Instead we see a subculture that has a moral aversion to pornography bemoaning the damage it does and huge numbers of mainstream users showing no adverse effects. That is why the number of users is relevant – because there are so many unharmed by it – not because the numbers alone make it alright.
It is like alcohol. A lot of people use it. Some seriously abuse it, can’t help themselves, and need treatment.
I know a number of marriage counselors, (I’ve counseled couples myself) who could prove otherwise.
No, it was I missing. Thanks.