Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
On Decorum and Entitlement
The point was driven home repeatedly while in combat training, that one should leave no trace whatsoever of one’s tracks. If necessary to set up camp for awhile, the area should look pristine enough upon our departure that Euell Gibbons himself would be content to relax and chew on a pinecone in the area, oblivious to the fact that a bunch of us had been there only a short time earlier. In a tactical sense, such an approach was necessary to forestall enemy forces from discerning our whereabouts. The lesson, it seemed to me, could also apply to life in a larger sense.
My grandmother was the reigning world champion of this approach in life and manners generally. She would have been perfectly mortified to learn that she had made any sort of imposition on anyone at anytime, anywhere. The lessons I learned from Grannybob, in addition to military regimentation, instilled in me an almost fanatical devotion to leaving as small a footprint as possible anywhere I go, even in my own home. And so it is that I compulsively pick up after myself so as to leave zero obstacles for others in my wake — striving even to rinse the spoon after I stir my coffee on the presumption that others prefer not to stir their coffee with the half-dried, sticky dregs of my coffee left for their enjoyment on the spoon. It’s why I move through a crowd as carefully as possible so as not to disrupt others, or why I typically defer to others as to who goes through a doorway first, etc. I simply don’t think it my place to impede those around me.
The downside is that I’m left baffled as to why others apparently think nothing of making impositions on the people around them. From driving slow in the fast lane and blocking innumerable people on the manifest assumption that wherever these people are going, it is not nearly as important as getting in their way; to cutting in line (either in traffic or inside a business); to taking as much time as possible when making a purchase knowing that are great throngs of people still waiting behind you; there is simply no end to the wellspring of rudeness. It’s tough to contend with in daily life and, I’ve learned, nearly impossible to conceal one’s disgust at this sort of rudeness when working with the public in a retail setting.
My mother reminds me, pretty regularly, that my eyes usually give away whatever attempt I might make to let such aggravations roll off of me without remark. I might not say a word, but my facial expressions give away the game every time. It’s part and parcel of life in the retail lane, of course, and I’ve been showing a great deal more patience lately than I did years ago. Age does that, though I don’t know if that’s because age instills patience or because by the time you reach a certain point in life, the vast array of human idiocy has already of unfolded before your eyes so that there are few surprises left.
Which is why the thing that transpired a week or so ago, and my reaction to it, left me stumped. Stumped and furious, actually. The lady at the counter was quoted a price for repair of some items by our jeweler. As it transpired, the price was a full third lower than the normal cost of the repairs. As the guy behind the counter, and in particular the very new guy behind the counter, it was not my place to contradict a senior employee and jeweler, and so the price stood. I quoted the price to the customer, including tax, and she demanded a military discount. Now, I’m a retired veteran myself, and not one to shrug off giving whatever accolades and credits I can to those who served, but a whopping discount had already been given.
Indignant at my hesitance, the lady turned abrasive as she reached into her purse and whipped out her Department of Defense….Dependent ID Card. Granted, families serve as well, but I can’t remember ever seeing seen such entitled impudence from someone who actually wore the uniform and went into harm’s way, let alone someone who never donned a gas mask, dodged incoming fire, or ate mud while trying to become one with the ground. The anger was instantaneous and I could feel my blood pressure spiking. My eyes closed for one brief instant to gather my composure before looking at the lady and saying, “You know what? I’m not going to argue because it isn’t worth it. But I’ve served in the military and I wouldn’t act this way.”
Then I proceeded with the transaction with a courtesy that was more curt than courtesy, but it worked. She mercifully left the store causing everyone and everything to breathe a sigh of relief at the departure of Attila the Customer. Yes yes, I’ve seen entitled ingrates before. I see them at the grocery store. I see them at other businesses. I see them in traffic putting others at risk for their own amusement. I’ve even worked for a few of them (quite recently in fact). But I expect more from those in possession of a Department of Defense ID Card. Even dependents. What angered me was, of course the brazen imbecility of it all — but there was something more; the violation of the idea of service which that ID card embodies.
Of course there are veterans who walk around asking for discounts at every turn, and while I don’t necessarily begrudge them that benefit, as you might surmise, that’s generally not how I operate. I didn’t serve so I can stuff my face for free at a chain restaurant. I will make occasionally enquiries when we make a large purchase, but I’d rather slit my wrist than make a big honking disturbance about it all.
Meanwhile, content with what little wisdom age has bestowed, chiefly the wisdom of keeping a steady paycheck coming in, I’ll remember and apply the words of Queen Elizabeth I, that: “Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.”
Published in General
This is an issue between my wife and I. She always tells me to request the discount. I prefer to avoid it, as it usually adds time to the checkout process, even worse if a person cannot recognize the type of ID, etc. It costs me time, and, I think, a little dignity, to receive a discount. The 5% savings is not worth it, except (as noted above) with larger purchases.
I’ve known a few folks like that. Just glad I don’t have any in the family.
Enjoyed your post – as always. I was raised as you were – clean up after oneself, get out of others’ way (even on the road), never let a door slam into the person’s nose behind you as you exit a store, etc. All such easy things to do as routine, yet so many (the self entitled) were never taught this. Even so, it just seem to be common sense.
That reminds me of a quote by Eric Hoffer: “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”
I can relate. I have reached the age where I qualify for senior discounts at various places. I always felt those were a kindness to those on a fixed income who are barely able to make ends meet. I am still working, and comfortable financially, so I don’t feel as if I should ask for or take a senior discount.
My mother and mother in law are so annoyed at me for that. “You qualify by your age, you deserve it”. Even “you earned it!” ( I guess by surviving so long? )
Someday I may need the discount and find it a blessing. Until then, I will pay my share…
Perhaps the jeweler had dealt with this lady before and was trying to make the transaction as quick and painless as possible.
I was working with the Red Cross at the River Center shelter in Baton Rouge, after Katrina, and I remember being so impressed by the tight ship run by the Captain of the National Guard unit out of Kentucky that was working there when I arrived. As pleased as I was though by their daily displays of discipline, good demeanor and professionalism, one morning in particular stands out to me, which your opening called to mind:
There was a large, open courtyard behind the River Center where staff would often hang out after their shifts and some were less rigorous than others about policing trash or cigarette butts. Crossing the courtyard for coffee one morning, I saw the entire available detail of Guardsmen, gloves on and trash bags in hand, combing every inch of that vast plaza and disposing of every last butt and scrap of refuse — not just off the ground, mind you — they picked through the giant planters that dotted the place as well, until the whole area was immaculate. They weren’t even responsible for a bit of it but clearly, they weren’t going to stand for having an area in such close proximity to the quarters they’d occupied left in such a state. I wish I could recall the name of that crackerjack unit — some of whom shipped out to Afghanistan after they left us. Great guys.
My dad may have spent the bulk of his service in the Reserves but we all got schooled the same way –“don’t impose” and “leave every place better than you found it.” (Now, if I could only keep my own room in the same pristine shape daily that he tends to keep his . . . )
“There’s no excuse for bad manners.”
I’ve said it so often that now I see peers of my children repeating it on FB. That having been said, I find my patience wearing thin occasionally.
I recently canceled one of the phone lines on my cell plan (four adult children; the youngest finally made the leap). I called Sprint and explained the situation. I was asked why I wanted to cancel the line. I explained he was getting married.
Transfer
Person #2: Why do you want to cancel the line?
Me: He’s getting married and getting on his own plan with his fiance.
Transfer
Long story short, I was asked four times by four different people why I was cancelling the line. The fourth person was told in no uncertain terms to mind her own G-D business and cancel the line.
Regarding military discounts: I just asked son #2 (home on leave) whether he ever asks for one.
He replied never but because of his haircut he’s often offered one. And every time he’s in town and goes to the barbershop, another customer has paid his bill. Could be there’s a few regulars who make sure military don’t have to pay.
Not sure, but he sure does appreciate it.
A while back I took the kids to an aquarium and when I went to pay with my USAA credit card the lady behind the counter tried to give me the military discount. When I explained that I never served and only qualified for USAA because my father had been a Marine officer, the woman said, ” Well, families serve too.”
“No” I insisted. “Dad left active duty before I was born. Please charge me the full price.” She was reluctant because she thought she was doing a good deed but, while I would have happily accepted any other discounts they offered, I just didn’t deserve that one. So I am familiar with arguing over a military discount, just in a different way.
I’ve run into that, when using the USAA cards. Never even occurred to me until the first time it happened that anyone would assume it meant I’d served.
I mean, sure I used to jump to the same conclusion when I’d get handed one back when I was waitressing but then, like @annefy mentioned, haircuts and bearing would usually tip me off that the card owner was the real deal.
Hey, Dave. I don’t know when your service was, but I suspect it is similar to ours- mine was from 78-87 and my wife 82-89. The current military discounts (we use ours at Home Depot and Lowe’s) seem like a huge bonus to us; that stuff just didn’t exist back in our day, or least I never noticed at the time. The greater availability of discounts may drive people’s expectations, but they don’t excuse that woman’s insufferable rudeness under any circumstances. In fact, her behavior is probably just reflexive on her part.
I often comment (to my long suffering wife) on a lot of behavior as inconsiderate, and I mean that literally. People never consider the effect that their behaviors have on others. We have a small parking turnout at the entrance to our subdivision where the community cluster mailboxes are. You can fit three cars without much trouble and four cars with care. A fair number of residents will pull in to get their mail and stop right in the middle, forcing anyone else to park on the shoulder across the road. They are not being purposely rude; it just would never occur to them that they are causing a problem.
Littering makes me crazy; anyone from my service time remembers policing the area for trash. I find myself picking up trash in public quite often as I just can’t stand to see it lying there. I’m very surprised at how often I see a family with kids get up from eating at a fast food place and leave trash heaped on the table. Guess how those kids will behave when they are adults.
I do that too (in shared spaces anyway — like I said, still trying to be just as diligent at home).
When I was very little my dad had me in a kid seat on the back of a bike for a ride down by the river one day. I finished some little treat he’d bought for me and he happened to turn his head in time to see me toss the wrapper. He stopped, removed me from the bike, walked me back down the trail until we found the trash I’d tossed and told me to pick it up and keep it until we found a proper place to dispose of it.
And mom? Mom was a Girl Scout leader and the way she’d police a campsite on departure would make the military proud.
It’s possible I may have whined a bit about it, back in the day but I’m glad now that those lessons got so baked into me at an early age.
Which reminds me of another time when the guy at the local hardware store asked if I had served and when I said “No” he said “Yeah that seems about right.”
My pet peeve regarding rude people: Women in front of the line at the grocery store who wait until the checker is finished with her groceries before she even opens her handbag to get out money, credit card or checkbook (and in a retirement community there are still a lot of folks who write checks). If it’s a checkbook she then pages through to find the next check, then looks for her pen, then blocks the line while she writes the amount in the register and calculates the balance. This really happens.
Confession: My husband always asks for his military discount when buying guns. Adds up to a lot of money.
Forgive me for taking the liberty to highlight that one sentence,…but you describe perfectly the disconnect I feel at the prospect of fishing for discounts. Like you, if it’s a high ticket item,…or if it’s a firearm (as noted in another comment further down), I’ll inquire. But either way, I don’t go into fits or start pouting if a discount isn’t offered. It’s a free country,…which was the whole point of my service.
Thanks. Do you think we’re a dying breed (by which I mean, is the tendency toward avoiding unnecessary impositions a generational thing, or is something else happening?
I think we may be related.
I understand completely.
I was in ’83 – ’03. I didn’t really pay any attention to discounts and such until after I retired. I get the impression that there are a great many more of that sort of thing now than a few decades ago. Still, as you note, there’s simply no reason for the entitlement mentality which, by the way, isn’t limited just to military discounts.
I can never tell this story without choking up, but since I’m writing it this time I’ll get by just fine. I believe it was in 2012 that my Dad spent Christmas on the road with me. We spent Christmas at a motel in Florida (I was driving a splendid military show truck at the time) helping to make sure that homeless vets in the local area got to spend Christmas in comfort and with plenty of good hot food. The guys were just dumbstruck when we pulled up in that show truck. But what moved me to my very soul was the morning after Christmas when, of their own accord, these homeless vets were outside the motel at daybreak policing up the area, picking trash, cigarette butts, emptying trash cans and leaving the place in absolute pristine condition. Then they loaded up in a van and were transported back to whatever haunt the frequented the rest of the year. It was an incredible experience and ranks as just about the best Christmas I’ve ever had.
Yeah, I got that reaction once or twice even though I did serve. Can’t imagine why.
I agree 1000 percent. Then there was the time when I approached the register at a truck stop register to pay for my breakfast. A new girl was being trained, and the lady training her saw me approaching and told her, “Here, this is a good time to teach you how to do a senior discount.” I think I was barely 50 years old,…I went back to my truck and took a nap.
I probably wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t certain, but when I know one is on offer I will take it. I don’t know if it drives business or not, but it seems to me that if a company is willing to offer it they should be supported and encouraged to keep up the practice.
In grocery shopping for my whole family, I often have a very full cart. So I try to do all I can to expedite checkout, from how I load items onto the conveyor belt (including the little bar at the end so the next person can start loading ASAP) to bagging the groceries myself if the bagger is distracted. If I got something because it was on sale, but the sale price doesn’t register, I won’t haggle.
So of course it is mortifying if an item of mine needs a price check and… well, occasionally the price checks go quickly, but very often, I’m left with the uncomfortable feeling have I let the price check go on too long? My knowing the price of the item won’t speed things up, because that’s not the PLU. So awkward!
Another mortifying way to waste others’ time: you try paying with your card too early, which somehow fritzes out the card reader. Of course, until you notice the reader’s fritzed out, you’re just standing there, supposing the reader’s just talking its sweet time to do its thing. And once you realize it isn’t, then the whole reading process has to start over again.
There are times when you scoop the pool and have everything go wrong at checkout at once, no matter your planning. Then you’re That Customer, no matter how much you tried to avoid it. I’ve apologized for the folks behind me for being That Customer before.
And then there are self-checkouts… Sigh…
Cellphones, tablets, etc. People are so into themselves and their constant companions that they are letting the world pass them by without noticing what is in front of their noses.
However, there are some bright spots. Every so often, a young child will hold the door for me. I stop and thank the child – then turn to their mother and thank her for raising a courteous child.
I have a feeling that the current self-absorbed phase with phones, etc., society is going through will wane. At least I hope it will. Something will happen – I don’t know what it will be – but it will be for the good and people will once again start to interact with each other on a more personal level. I hope.
If you ever see me in line somewhere, don’t pick my lane. I always pick the lane where the slowest customers are. Hey, it’s a gift. I can’t help it.
Oh man … do I have a deserving checkout story. “The Costco experience that saved my marriage”. I won’t derail the conversation but will post about it.
(Ps Realize I haven’t been to Costco since … )
What’s the phrase – The other lane is always faster…
I always let a mother with children go ahead of me – they look so hassled that they deserve a little bright spot in their day. And if I am the reason that the line is held up, I am mortified. It’s happened and at that point I wish for a hole to appear in the ground and swallow me up.
On the flip side, being one of those moms myself, if the person behind me has a very small number of items, and looks in a hurry, I’ll ask if they want to go ahead of me. Even in the best-case scenario, full cart + offspring = longer time.
Which isn’t to say I would turn down your offer! The worst of course would be accepting such a kindness and then finding I’m also That Customer today ;-P