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The Next Straw: Wiping Out Environmental Dangers
Environmental terrorist
Seattle – Fresh off their victory over plastic straws, the Seattle City Council is now looking to wipe away another environmental hazard: Single-use bath tissue, or as it is known colloquially, toilet paper. Each year Americans go through billions of rolls of toilet paper and little to none of that ever gets recycled. Some climate-deniers even resort to two-ply bath tissue just to show us how little they care for our planet. By banning toilet paper the City Council expects to save thousands of greenhouse gas eating trees. The ban is expected to be a boom to the environment with very little downside for consumers.
As you might imagine, Big Toilet Paper doesn’t like this proposal. Their lobbyists are trying to play into people’s fears by using code words like “sanitation” and “dysentery.” Admittedly, health concerns are not completely without merit but the bill before the City Council does point out that, “toilet paper was only invented in 1857 yet people were pooping for centuries before that.” One important historical fact is that in 1857, climate change was not a major concern… coincidence?
Ultimately the city would like to see all public toilets retro-fitted with a small hose that could be used to clean and high powered blowers for drying. While that change will take time and money, there are other, simpler options that could be made immediately.
One alternative is reusable wipes. Fruit-Of-The-Loom, who also makes underwear, supports the law and believes that they could quickly bring to market 4” by 8” cotton strips that could be washed and reused. For convenience when away from home there is talk of developing a Wipe Wallet that would have an outer pocket for clean wipes and a sealed inner pocket for the used ones. It should be pointed out that washing is also bad for the environment so perhaps just a light rinse with an organic vegan soap would be best.
Remember, it wasn’t all that long ago that reusable handkerchiefs were all the rage and many enlightened parents are now replacing disposable diapers with cloth ones. For the sake of our planet we can make a small change or two. You may not like it, but you should just hold your nose and do what is right.
Published in Environment
They don’t need to ban toilet paper, they just need to implement socialism. We have already seen in Venezuela that socialism leads to elimination of TP.
I’m calling the expiration date for this satire at October 9, 2018. After that time it will cease to be satire and become a serious proposal.
It’s bad enough in places where you can’t flush it. In Guatemala you’re s’posed to put the poop-smeared paper in the bathroom wastebasket. Bl-e-e-e-ch! After I saw that notice I could hardly stand to be in our hotel’s bathroom, thinking of how many people must’ve deposited their poop in there. They didn’t line it with a plastic bag or anything.
(Of course using a plastic bag😱 Would be even worse! And the poor underclass servants who hafta actually handle the basket o’ bungdung! They won’t be allowed disposable gloves, you can count on that…)
i know this is parody, but do not imagine that it won’t seriously be proposed soon.
There’s nothing the Left likes better than its own excremental creations,
and there’s nothing they’d like better than to return the whole world to a fecalized environment.
Only then will they feel at home.
This is satire?
I’ve already posted three Cornholio videos in the past week. You peple are doing this on purpose, aren’t you?
#S.hole
Some people have suggested TP bans, and it probably does more damage then the dreaded SUV’s. But at some point people will have to stop and say, “You worry about your own crap and I’ll worry about mine!”
*Cough* San Francisco *Cough*
More damage at what cost?
Wouldn’t things like polio be more common in a world without TP? I mean, it’s cheap and doesn’t require harsh chemicals to clean effectively and… who wants to put poop in the washing machine, anyway?
What about cleaning reusable towelettes? I kinda see that fad more common among people who don’t do their own laundry. I mean, I even throw out poopy training pants because the idea of washing it in my sink, tub, or machine sounds like a sanitary risk.
I recall getting into it with a Greenie on a gaming forum. I told him, “Perhaps it would be easier to list the things you don’t want to ban.”
I suspect the list consists entirely of abortion and sodomy.
This is Seattle! Please don’t give them any ideas, because they would do it.
That was my thinking with the “who also makes underwear” line.
It has been 15 years since I left Seattle and there is a lot that I still miss, the mountains, the sound and lakes, the salmon (Atlantic just isn’t the same), and even at times I miss the Seattle weather. However, I sure don’t miss the Seattle government (although NJ’s new governor is trying to make our state just as crazy)
This post should be flushed. It brings Ricochet in the sewers. I held my nose reading it.
Getting our excrement out of sight, out of mind, and out of nose is one of civilization’s great accomplishments.
It’s not that easy, you have to concentrate resources on setting up a system. Have you read The Great Stink, about the fact that Londonn finally got sewers only when the Thames got so mephitic one hot summer that the legislators could not ignore it?
I was in Russia while it was still Soviet. They had trenches. At every restaurant we visited on our “de luxe” tour, the dining rooms were on the second floor. When you walked in at ground level, all you could smell was excrement. (Oh yeah: you do get used to it.)
I remember driving South in our country, oh, maybe 30 years ago. The Stuckey’s restaurants ( yeah, famous for their pecan roll, I know) smelled like that too. The omnipresent flypaper was black with the bodies of their comrades, but the flies kept comin’ to the dung feast.
Places like Africa and Haiti are fecalized environments: you can’t take a breath without inhaling somebody else’s dried pulverized dung.
I am sorry, @phcheese. This is an unpleasant, sick making 🤢 topic, but we have to face the fact that what the green movement and the Left want to do, or where their policies will lead, is back to the dungpit conditions from which a handful of fortunate and industrious countries have only emerged in the last 200 years–a mere blip from a historical,perspective.
MCGA, Make Cholera Great Again.
Actually there is a solution, pioneered by the Chinese who invented toilet paper in the first place. I’ve spoken to people who stayed in Chinese hotels where every toilet is a bidet! But they must use more water cuz of course they have to flush away the deposit, I would think, before they activate the fundament shower jets. Very pleasurable experience, by all accounts!
@arahant, what would Matthew, Duke of Avalon, have done? I tried to send you a message to tell you how much I’m enjoying your book, but it didn’t go through–I wanted to let you know, so I’m doing it here, and I recommend your angel series to any Ricochetti who may be looking for their next read!
It took me a while to be sure this was satire at all, because Japan has had such devices for over a decade. I was given information on them, lest I encounter them when I visited. (I didn’t.) And, besides, it’s Seattle. And it raised concerns for my family members who live in South Seattle (Portland, I mean).
So I did a DuckDuckGo search before I endeavored to write, because I couldn’t recall enough details. And whaddayaknow – you, too, can be the first on your block to save the world from the scourge of Mountain Money! Here’s the link:
https://gizmodo.com/236933/kohler-c3-series-toilet-seats-offer-hands-free-butt-washing-american-style
You’re welcome.
Yes, this actually is a very good idea. But what about possible objections from the Left about water conservation? They don’t even believe in flushing after every use, do they?
Eewwww! Probably something intemperate. He is not the sort to suffer fools gladly.
I’m glad you are. I’m working on wrapping up the third volume right now.
If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.
I promoted this to the home page. Don’t make me regret it like too many tacos last night.
I used to be in the plumbing supply business. One of the popular items we sold was made by Toto, a Japanese plumbing fixture manufacturer. They call it a Washlet. It has many features, but just a few are a water wand that can perform front (female) or rear cleansing. When I say “perform” I mean it. The wand shoots temperature controlled water with hard and soft sprays that can also oscillate and pulsate. It has a built in warm air blower to dry afterward. I used to joke with people out in my showroom. I’d tell them that when Toto first produced the Washlet, they had 50 women test it out. Forty of them are still in the bathroom. They can’t get them to leave the toilet.
We do this sometimes on a sailboat; place the TP in a bag next to the head, not into the holding tank.
But man, getting people to come out sailing can be hard enough, and all the lever flipping and handle pumping to flush is just too much for some dainty guests. (Although, as an old salt once said to me – “How difficult is a pail?”)
They make marine TP, very easily break-downable in water. It has never been a problem in my head or tank, as long as one is reasonably parsimonious with it.
But to do this on a universal scale, to address a concern around something as eye-rolling as AGW, is risible. Talk about the cure being more onerous than the disease . . . .
Because the paper companies that grow the trees for TP will just keep planting them anyway…
I lived in Saudi for 2 years. The hose arrangement was standard there.
it was also standard to walk into a bathroom and find the place wet everywhere. Floor sink, walls, toilet seat….
We’re almost there already.
Sheryl Crow’s view on toilet paper: one sheet a visit
My worst nightmare when traveling in Saudi….
These people are natural bullies. The want to control other folks fundamental existence. It could never be enough to suggest people use TP with care. No! They gotta make a law. It must be banned.
So, I’m guessing she is not that into Mexican food?