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A Confession: I Find Fatherhood Sexy
I’ve been meaning to write this as a column for some time, but the main place I write such things, the New York Post, has my husband as my editor. He, in no uncertain terms, told me he would not publish an op-ed where I called him and other men sexy, and so, here I am at Ricochet doing it, because he may be my husband, but he is not my editor everywhere.
I’ve been following James Van Der Beek and his wife Kimberly on Instagram for some time. I was an avid Dawson’s Creek viewer as a teenager, but I couldn’t stand his character Dawson. I found him sniveling and entitled and spoiled. The series ended up revolving around a love triangle between Dawson, Pacey (played by Joshua Jackson) and Joey (played by Katie Holmes); and I was very much on Team Pacey. How could I not be? He was strong, he was sensitive, he was kind, he was handsome, he was a fighter. That’s the kind of man every woman should want in their teens and early twenties. But it turned out Van Der Beek is the man I want in my adult life.
Van Der Beek is such a heartthrob to me now because I’m a mother, because he reminds me of my husband, who is my ultimate heartthrob. James and his wife Kimberly are parents of four young kids, and expecting their fifth this summer I believe. They revel in their parenthood, posting pictures, videos and Instagram stories (short pictures or videos that disappear in a day) showing the highs and lows of their day to day lives.
This is something I tried to explain to Seth but clearly did not do so well. One of the sexy things about James Van Der Beek is how much he clearly loves his wife, especially when she is in mothering mode:
Sexy doesn’t mean I want to be with this guy; quite the opposite. I love how much he loves his wife.
But the ultimate appeal is Van Der Beek as father:
I mean, really.
This is nothing better than a man being a father. This kind of picture sends women’s hearts fluttering more than beach pictures, more than gym selfies, more than anything. Fatherhood is sexy, and men embracing fatherhood is just about the best thing to most women. It’s evolution: we want to see men taking care of their young, stepping up, stepping in and parenting.
There’s a joke among my friends; what we find sexy about our husbands now that we’re in our 30s. My tops with Seth are playing princess games with our daughter, wrestling with all three kids, cleaning, organizing: that’s what sends my heart aflutter.
This stuff:
Doesn’t do it for me anymore. If that were all the Van Der Beeks posted, I would have left Dawson behind. But when Dawson grew up to be a man, a father, that’s something I can get behind.
Published in General
This is a fine bit of writing, even by Bethany’s standards. It gives insight in the nature of women, which is a lifelong mystery to men.
By the time a sensitive, intelligent man like myself has reached young-middle age, as I have, and like me has completed his freshman year of life’s course in
(ie, he is entering the sixth decade of going steady/marriage with a woman) he already has an inkling of the knowledge which Bethany reveals in such clarity. But as Reb Tevye and Golde might say,
On this Fathers’ Day, I hope you all are having a wonderful day! That is the one thing that makes us fathers truly happy. Also, the espresso maker, I almost forgot the espresso maker.
I do too, Bethany, which is why Papa Toad and I have six tadpoles! He is my dream man…
My parents met each other through mutual friends; the first time my mother ever saw my father, she was stopping by her friend’s house; this friend had 8 children, and my father was their uncle. She caught a glimpse of my Dad watching tv with the kids piled on top of him and all around him. He made a great first impression; they have been married for 50 years. :)
I frequently credit my husband with the size of our family. The primary reason we ended up with five children is due to my husband’s unwavering manliness. He has been and remains equal parts strength, commitment, self-sacrifice and love. I pray my daughters will be as lucky as I am.
Happy Fathers Day to Seth, to Rick (inside baseball talk), and to all you Ricochetti dads out there!
Good for you, Beth, for admitting that being manly is sexy. Why should it be otherwise?
Because when football season rolls around, we grow more hair, disappear for hours in our ManCaves, then make loud body noises which makes our children giggle and our wives disgusted. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Thank goodness Fathers Day resets the meter . . .
So fatherhood makes one sexy, but one must be sexy first in order to become a father. Seems like a Catch 22…
This is what being an uncle is for; I know lots of guys who use their nieces and nephews as props to meet chicks in the park, or wherever: my Dad wasn’t doing it on purpose, but it worked for him :)
Boy, that picture of the guy with all the kids draped on him…that brings back nice memories.
Unfortunately, no nieces or nephews either. Guess that’s strike two for me.
So all those who cannot be uncles are just out of luck? How are there all these non-uncles picking up women? I think some people need to realize how little this article actually applies to real life. This whole “fatherhood is sexy” theme is, as mentioned in the article, post hoc marriage. Its subjective. At best it applies to women in the thirties, as implied by the author. What about those in their 20s?
But let’s for a second rewind the clock. This article is incoherent.
Now look at those traits and then think on how these traits are incompatible with being the husband she types about. Isn’t being kind and sensitive part of being a good father? Isn’t the capacity to be a fighter supposed to be something that a father should have? How then is there any difference between the past Pacey and the current Van Der Beek? The article itself doesn’t demonstrate a demonstrable change, aside from a lack of Instagram photos with lame wannabee profound statements.
I think some people are taking all of this a bit too seriously :) Being good with kids is one of many things that make men sexy, obviously lots of men get married and become fathers without making a good Dad impression on the first date. What is the big deal?
Perhaps some people are taking the concept of fatherhood lightly on Father’s Day?
Chill :)
Just to be clear — I love it when the tadpoles and my husband are playing, but I don’t really want Papa Toad cleaning the house. I don’t find that sexy.
I like that he puts his stuff away, but I don’t need him running the vacuum cleaner unless he’s cleaning up his own spill or something.
I prefer the smell of sawdust on his skin. That’s sexy.
The person who is speculating into another person’s mindset should take that advice.
Strong enough to secure the bacon and defend the domicile, sensitive and stable enough to appreciate and share in the raising of the cubs.
It thought it was walking a dog . . .
My wife thinks the smell of spilled beer on my tee shirt is sexy.
Okay, maybe she doesn’t, but I think it is, and she hasn’t thrown me out of the house (yet) after 30+ years . . .
Dogs are often used too, but I suspect that kids work better :)
No they don’t. I tried leading a kid around the park on a leash, and while I did get lots of attention, somehow I didn’t get any phone numbers…
lol :)
I’m going to posit a theory. It is untested, but might be good to brainstorm it.
Let’s say there is an external and internal world to every individual. The external are acquaintances, work, strangers, bosses, co-workers. The internal is family (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews), children, values, etc. Is that enough for a basic idea?
Women are attracted to men who demonstrate strength and some aloofness to the external while being sensitive and considerate to the internal. Sensitive and considerate to a woman you just met might come off creepy to her because she’s still external to you and doesn’t want anything else.
Once you’ve established a serious and committed relationship, remaining aloof makes the woman insecure because you don’t regard her as part of your internal world. Once kids are involved, the wife needs to be secure in her and her children’s positions in the man’s internal world while also knowing he can handle the external one with strength.
Random kids and dogs just doesn’t cut it for picking up random chicks. It does work for showing an uncommitted acquaintance who witnesses it what you can offer in your internal world without her being the recipient.
So don’t be friendly and distant, a jerk, and you will start picking up women. I bet this strategy has nothing to do with all the frustration with dating that people talk about.
My strategy? Nothing about being a jerk. Aloofness or distance is not the same as being a jerk.
But yes, I do think this (untested) theory could explain why it is so confusing, especially for men. It goes a long way in illustrating why women seem like a walking contradiction.
You see aloof has synonyms, aside from its definition, and those are a snob, disdainful, and haughty. Would you disagree that those words describe a jerk? Aloof has more or less the same definition, it describes a jerk.
I personally don’t find this theory of sexual attraction “confusing” for several incongruent, but unkind, reasons.
Then its the wrong word for what I had in mind. There’s a kind of way a man carries himself that is attractive – that the world can beat on him and he won’t change course. There’s a distance, too. In much the way men like women with mystery, women like mystery in men (they don’t know), too.
You are a wonderful ball of sunshine, aren’t you. Kind of a destructive critic.
So be happy go lucky and try to pick up random women so there is mystery. How does this differ from some pick up artist article?
Its not destruction, I cannot destroy what is not there to destroy. Its more of inspection to see that which is in fact happening and that which is not. Many bad things are quite real and many nice or good things exist only as ideas.
I recently listened to an episode of The Art of Manliness podcast on How to Stop Being a Nice Guy. Dr. Aziz Gazipura explains that so-called “nice” men often lack self confidence and are overly concerned with other people’s approval, so they don’t assert themselves, never contradict or disagree with other people’s opinions, avoid discussing (and therefore resolving) conflicts, all in the name of “being nice.” Among other drawbacks, this personality trait is not attractive to women.
Made a ton of sense, and was actually a bit of a revelation for me. Wish I’d heard this a long time ago…