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I was walking toward my 2018 International Mensa Convocation meeting in the Washington Hilton yesterday with my longtime friend and attorney, E. Hobart Calhoun, when a horde of stampeding media types swept us into an immense ballroom just in time to hear Special Counsel Robert “Ferriss” Mueller announce he will seek the death penalty for President Trump for his collusion with Vladimir Putin to steal the 2016 US presidential election.
I was in DC on other business, sporting my “No IQ Below 75” lapel button, to testify before the Mensa Board of Directors to vehemently oppose a proposed amendment to our by-laws to lower Mensa standards to allow Senators and Congressmen to qualify for membership.
Mueller’s death proclamation electrified the press corps.
“How soon can we kill him?” yelled CNN’s Jim Accoster.
“Can we waterboard him first?” CBS correspondent Major General Garrett said.
“Wait a minute,” my pal E. screamed at Mueller. “You’ve been after him over a year and haven’t produced any proof of the President collaborating with his own staff, much less the Cossacks.”
“Who is that prick?” Mueller whispered to his sidekick, “Hot” Rod Rosenstein, busy shining Mueller’s Marine-issued boots.
“I don’t know him,” “Hot” Rod whimpered. “He’s not from the Swamp.”
Mueller gritted his teeth, causing his prodigious jaw muscles to ripple, then backhanded “Hot” Rod, knocking him off the dais onto NBC’s Matt Liar.
“We’ve recently discovered over 10 million new e-mails,” Mueller said. “I’ve assigned Special Investigator Archbishop Jim Comey, formerly Director of the FBI, to review each and every one of them.”
“How long will that take?” “Ground Chuck” Todd of NBC asked.
“The Archbishop hopes to have it wrapped up before the election.”
“In 2020?” Mara “Kyrie” Alaisson asked.
“2024,” Mueller said. “These things take time. He’ll announce his findings sometime in 2024 on national television right before the election.”
“Where did you come up with these 10 million emails?” E. hollered.
“We discovered them on Debbie Wassamatter Schultz’s laptop that she left in a Starbutt’s on K Street. Most of the emails are in Urdu. Fortunately, Debbie knows several Pakistani IT guys with big families who all speak Urdu, and they’re going to help the Archbishop as soon as we straighten out their passport and visa problems.”
“Bobby,” I called out. “How can you seek the death penalty for the crime of collusion, which doesn’t exist in any federal statute?”
“I’ve gotten a special ruling from Supreme Court Justice Ruth “Baader-Meinhof” Ginsburg, who had just awakened from a nap during oral argument. I also conferred with former Director of National Intelligence James Crapper at his assisted living facility.”
“Let’s get out of here,” I told E. “This guy’s nuts and I’m late for my Mensa meeting. I heard Congressman Adam Schiffless is leading the charge to lower the minimum IQ.”
“Not true,” E. said. “He leaked to me that he’s skipping the meeting to have neck enhancement surgery.”
E. took a swing at MSNBC’s Chris Matthews as we strolled out of the presser.