Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Mueller Seeks Death Penalty for Trump

 

I was walking toward my 2018 International Mensa Convocation meeting in the Washington Hilton yesterday with my longtime friend and attorney, E. Hobart Calhoun, when a horde of stampeding media types swept us into an immense ballroom just in time to hear Special Counsel Robert “Ferriss” Mueller announce he will seek the death penalty for President Trump for his collusion with Vladimir Putin to steal the 2016 US presidential election.

I was in DC on other business, sporting my “No IQ Below 75” lapel button, to testify before the Mensa Board of Directors to vehemently oppose a proposed amendment to our by-laws to lower Mensa standards to allow Senators and Congressmen to qualify for membership.

Mueller’s death proclamation electrified the press corps.

“How soon can we kill him?” yelled CNN’s Jim Accoster.

“Can we waterboard him first?” CBS correspondent Major General Garrett said.

“Wait a minute,” my pal E. screamed at Mueller. “You’ve been after him over a year and haven’t produced any proof of the President collaborating with his own staff, much less the Cossacks.”

“Who is that prick?” Mueller whispered to his sidekick, “Hot” Rod Rosenstein, busy shining Mueller’s Marine-issued boots.

“I don’t know him,” “Hot” Rod whimpered. “He’s not from the Swamp.”

Mueller gritted his teeth, causing his prodigious jaw muscles to ripple, then backhanded “Hot” Rod, knocking him off the dais onto NBC’s Matt Liar.

“We’ve recently discovered over 10 million new e-mails,” Mueller said. “I’ve assigned Special Investigator Archbishop Jim Comey, formerly Director of the FBI, to review each and every one of them.”

“How long will that take?” “Ground Chuck” Todd of NBC asked.

“The Archbishop hopes to have it wrapped up before the election.”

“In 2020?” Mara “Kyrie” Alaisson asked.

“2024,” Mueller said. “These things take time. He’ll announce his findings sometime in 2024 on national television right before the election.”

“Where did you come up with these 10 million emails?” E. hollered.

“We discovered them on Debbie Wassamatter Schultz’s laptop that she left in a Starbutt’s on K Street. Most of the emails are in Urdu. Fortunately, Debbie knows several Pakistani IT guys with big families who all speak Urdu, and they’re going to help the Archbishop as soon as we straighten out their passport and visa problems.”

“Bobby,” I called out. “How can you seek the death penalty for the crime of collusion, which doesn’t exist in any federal statute?”

“I’ve gotten a special ruling from Supreme Court Justice Ruth “Baader-Meinhof” Ginsburg, who had just awakened from a nap during oral argument. I also conferred with former Director of National Intelligence James Crapper at his assisted living facility.”

“Let’s get out of here,” I told E. “This guy’s nuts and I’m late for my Mensa meeting. I heard Congressman Adam Schiffless is leading the charge to lower the minimum IQ.”

“Not true,” E. said. “He leaked to me that he’s skipping the meeting to have neck enhancement surgery.”

E. took a swing at MSNBC’s Chris Matthews as we strolled out of the presser.

There are 28 comments.

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  1. Hoyacon Member

    You must’ve left before ex-Virginia governor and Clinton bagman Terry McAwful began lobbying for the execution to be held in his state because it’s just “a hop, skip, and a jump,” and still uses “Ol’ Sparky” (better than “some needle,” according to McAwful). 

    • #1
    • June 1, 2018, at 5:12 PM PDT
    • 14 likes
  2. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Are members of Mensa called Menses? And are they feckless?

    • #2
    • June 1, 2018, at 5:19 PM PDT
    • 16 likes
  3. AQ Member
    AQ Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    I just read this to my husband, who hasn’t let me read anything to him in 50 years, and he is laughing so hard he isn’t yelling at me for reading to him.

     

    • #3
    • June 1, 2018, at 5:26 PM PDT
    • 26 likes
  4. Franco Member
    Franco Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Love it!

    • #4
    • June 1, 2018, at 7:05 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  5. Larry Koler Inactive

    Your best yet. I’ll send it out to one and all.

    • #5
    • June 1, 2018, at 9:03 PM PDT
    • 5 likes
  6. Columbo Member

    Larry Koler (View Comment):

    Your best yet. I’ll send it out to one and all.

    All together now ….. I’m MichaelHenry the 8th I am …..

    • #6
    • June 2, 2018, at 6:28 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  7. jeannebodine, Verbose Bon Viva… Member

    Bring back public executions! Then when all of “them” are gathered together, (because you know all of “them” will attend)……..give them award certificates? Right? Right?

    • #7
    • June 2, 2018, at 8:13 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  8. Doug Kimball Thatcher

    The backhand slap was my favorite.

    • #8
    • June 2, 2018, at 8:28 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  9. Larry Koler Inactive

    Doug Kimball (View Comment):

    The backhand slap was my favorite.

    Yes, Rosenstein the rat gets treated the way he should. I wish Trump would fire him — even if he doesn’t slap him.

    • #9
    • June 2, 2018, at 8:30 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  10. Muleskinner, Weasel Wrangler Member

    Larry Koler (View Comment):

    Doug Kimball (View Comment):

    The backhand slap was my favorite.

    Yes, Rosenstein the rat gets treated the way he should. I wish Trump would fire him — even if he doesn’t slap him.

    He certainly can’t take one on the chin.

    • #10
    • June 2, 2018, at 11:57 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  11. The Cloaked Gaijin Member

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    Are members of Mensa called Menses?

    I just know the females are called Womenses.

     

    • #11
    • June 2, 2018, at 1:09 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  12. Hoyacon Member

    BTW, Michael, Art Buchwald had quite a career in syndication writing stuff like this, only not as funny. You may have been born too late, but we’re the better for it.

    • #12
    • June 2, 2018, at 4:04 PM PDT
    • 9 likes
  13. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Hoyacon (View Comment):
    You may have been born too late, but we’re the better for it.

    Hmm.

    • #13
    • June 2, 2018, at 4:18 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  14. Mark Camp Member

    This goofball is up there with the bigs. Funnier than Buchwald? Yes. I may be getting carried away here but I’ll say it anyway: I remember laughing this much at Thurber, Erma Bombeck, and maybe the early Dave Barry. That sort.

    And I agree with Larry K. that this is his best ever. I’m not one to laugh out loud at a sentence very often. This one, I just never stopped.

    (Hope MH isn’t not reading this. If you are, I sincerely meant every single word of the word “goofball”. I deny saying anything after that, except of course this.)

    • #14
    • June 2, 2018, at 8:21 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  15. Hypatia Inactive

    You are the Master! ALL HAIL!

    • #15
    • June 3, 2018, at 3:57 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  16. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    MichaelHenry: I was walking toward my 2018 International Mensa Convocation meeting in the Washington Hilton yesterday with my longtime friend and attorney, E. Hobart Calhoun

    Algonquin’s kid?

    • #16
    • June 3, 2018, at 4:12 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  17. I Walton Inactive

    I re-read this to my wife on my cell phone and had a hard time finishing because of the tears of laughter.

    • #17
    • June 3, 2018, at 4:50 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  18. Susan Quinn Contributor

    This is hysterical, Michael! Thank you for the Sunday giggle. I loved it!

    • #18
    • June 3, 2018, at 5:23 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  19. MichaelHenry Contributor
    MichaelHenry

    Grandson of Algonquin J.

    • #19
    • June 3, 2018, at 6:02 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  20. Larry3435 Inactive

    Listen, and understand. That terminator Special Counsel is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

    • #20
    • June 3, 2018, at 6:34 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  21. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Grandson of Algonquin J.

    I’m feeling old.

    • #21
    • June 3, 2018, at 6:42 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  22. Larry Koler Inactive

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Grandson of Algonquin J.

    I’m feeling old.

    Basil, please explain this so I don’t have to go look it up. I’m intrigued.

    (And yes, you do seem old — what we call a duffer.)

    • #22
    • June 3, 2018, at 7:04 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  23. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Larry Koler (View Comment):

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Grandson of Algonquin J.

    I’m feeling old.

    Basil, please explain this so I don’t have to go look it up. I’m intrigued.

    (And yes, you do seem old — what we call a duffer.)

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Lee_(actor)

    • #23
    • June 3, 2018, at 7:45 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  24. Larry Koler Inactive

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    Larry Koler (View Comment):

    Basil Fawlty (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Grandson of Algonquin J.

    I’m feeling old.

    Basil, please explain this so I don’t have to go look it up. I’m intrigued.

    (And yes, you do seem old — what we call a duffer.)

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Lee_(actor)

    Thanks. 

    Fascinating. 

    • #24
    • June 3, 2018, at 7:51 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  25. TempTime Member

    Excellent! Good to see you posting again. Don’t stay away so long next time. Thanks for the laughs we need more of them around here.

    • #25
    • June 3, 2018, at 12:23 PM PDT
    • 5 likes
  26. JoelB Member

    “You’ve been after him over a year and haven’t produced any proof of the President collaborating with his own staff, much less the Cossacks.”

    My favorite line.

    • #26
    • June 3, 2018, at 2:20 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  27. The Reticulator Member

    JoelB (View Comment):

    “You’ve been after him over a year and haven’t produced any proof of the President collaborating with his own staff, much less the Cossacks.”

    My favorite line.

    Mine, too.

    • #27
    • June 3, 2018, at 8:34 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  28. The Reticulator Member

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    JoelB (View Comment):

    “You’ve been after him over a year and haven’t produced any proof of the President collaborating with his own staff, much less the Cossacks.”

    My favorite line.

    Mine, too.

    And it was such a good line that I didn’t feel like spoiling it by pointing out that the Russians’ relationship with the Cossacks is “complicated.” (That was yesterday. Today is today.) 

    • #28
    • June 4, 2018, at 1:22 PM PDT
    • 2 likes

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