California’s Declaration of Independence

 

The ballot initiative to begin the process for California secession has been approved to begin collecting signatures. Californian independence seems like an unpossibility, but three years ago, so did the election of Donald Trump as president. I was wondering, though, if California signed off on a Declaration of Independence, how would it read. Kinda like this, I should think:

OK, so, When in the Course of human events it becomes totally necessary for one people to, like, um, dissolve the political bonds which have, you know, connected them with another and get the [expletive] out… like, you gotta explain why and stuff so the world will know your grievance is legit, know what I’m sayin’?

OK, so, first of all, it’s not us… it’s you. We hold certain truths to be self-evident — that gender is a social construct; that gluten is the worst thing, like, ever; that health care is a right; that no human being is illegal and everybody is entitled to a living wage, housing, education, and safe spaces; and Red States SUCK — and you guys just don’t get it. Also, trees have rights, too.

OK, so, whenever any Form of Government just isn’t working out, it is the Right of the People to a do-over. Absolutely.
OK, so, the history of the present so-called, illegitimate “president” [Insert “poop” emoji] is a history of triggers and microaggressions, resulting in marginalized communities, POC, and LGBTQQAAPP feeling unsafe. Not cool, brah. Ok, so, to prove this, let the facts show:

Drumpf wants to build a racist border wall.

Drumpf wants to deport undocument immigrants and is totally a racist.

Drumpf wants to kick transgendered people out of the military.

Drumpf doesn’t believe in the proven science of Climate Science.

Drumpf totally stole a Supreme Court seat from the best president in American history, President Barack Obama

Drumpf and Republicans are trying to deny women access to health care. (Because women’s health care totally depends on complete funding of Planned Parenthood.)

Drumpf totally colluded with the Russians to steal the election. Not cool.

Hillary Clinton won the popular vote.

And also, like, dude, Mike Pence is a hate-filled misogynist bigot wants to electrocute LGBTQ youth and oppresses women by not having dinner with them unless his wife is present. Like, who does that? It’s like [expletive] Handmaid’s Tale.

OK, so, in every stage of these oppressions, we have tried to #resist. We have created sanctuary cities to protect undocumented citizens and safe spaces to protect LGBTQQAAPP. Our Ninth Circuit court has ordered Drumpf to stand down and stop being all racist. We have trended hashtages, promoted boycotts and held dank poetry slams.

OK, so, our repeated actions have been answered only by repeated injury. A so-called “President” — whose character is marked by every act which may define a racist — is unfit to be the leader of a diverse and inclusive people.

OK, so, we, therefore, the community of all the people of all races, genders, sexual orientations, nationality, religions, diets, and other identities of California, appealing to the media for the legitimitude of our intentions, do, like, solemnly publish and declare, that California is out of here, man. It is *so* over. We’re totally doing this. Don’t call, because we’re blocking you.

Published in Domestic Policy
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  1. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Are you sure that you’re a conservative, VTK? You imitated them pretty darn well. And had me giggling all the way through–totally!

    • #1
  2. Larry3435 Inactive
    Larry3435
    @Larry3435

    Promises, promises.  I’m still waiting for Barbara Streisand and Alec Baldwin to move to Canada.  Maybe we can just give California to Mexico in exchange for them paying for the wall.

    • #2
  3. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    • #3
  4. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    Funny

    • #4
  5. Ekosj Member
    Ekosj
    @Ekosj

    Whoa. There’s only, like, one ‘brah’ and one ‘dude’ and not a ‘gnarly’ at all man.   

    • #5
  6. GLDIII Reagan
    GLDIII
    @GLDIII

    I notice that the “Tags” do not include “Satire”.

    • #6
  7. Fake John/Jane Galt Coolidge
    Fake John/Jane Galt
    @FakeJohnJaneGalt

    Where do we send money to support his cause?  

    Personally I would prefer they did not secede.  I would prefer we kicked them out.  

    • #7
  8. Misthiocracy, Joke Pending Member
    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending
    @Misthiocracy

    If California secedes, does that mean they no longer get to dictate automobile safety and/or emissions standards for the rest of the continent?

    • #8
  9. dnewlander Inactive
    dnewlander
    @dnewlander

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    If California secedes, does that mean they no longer get to dictate automobile safety and/or emissions standards for the rest of the continent?

    Yes, and when they take their 55 electoral votes and go home, they also take their “This contains a substance known by the State of California to be totally terrible” labels, too.

    • #9
  10. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    dnewlander (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    If California secedes, does that mean they no longer get to dictate automobile safety and/or emissions standards for the rest of the continent?

    Yes, and when they take their 55 electoral votes and go home, they also take their “This contains a substance known by the State of California to be totally terrible” labels, too.

    Oh and their “fair share” (per capita) of the national debt.  Cash would be preferable.

    • #10
  11. Josh Farnsworth Member
    Josh Farnsworth
    @

    A real Cali declaration would include directions using the definite article (Drmpf can take the 10 straight to Arizona) and would restrict any further geographic expansion of In’N’Out Burger.

    • #11
  12. Valiuth Member
    Valiuth
    @Valiuth

    As ridiculous as Texas secession. 

     

    • #12
  13. Richard Finlay Inactive
    Richard Finlay
    @RichardFinlay

    Larry3435 (View Comment):

    Promises, promises. I’m still waiting for Barbara Streisand and Alec Baldwin to move to Canada. Maybe we can just give California to Mexico in exchange for them paying for the wall.

    Yeah, but you would be doubling the length of the wall, pretty near.  Maybe California should pay reparations to help out.

    • #13
  14. Misthiocracy, Joke Pending Member
    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending
    @Misthiocracy

    Kozak (View Comment):

    dnewlander (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    If California secedes, does that mean they no longer get to dictate automobile safety and/or emissions standards for the rest of the continent?

    Yes, and when they take their 55 electoral votes and go home, they also take their “This contains a substance known by the State of California to be totally terrible” labels, too.

    Oh and their “fair share” (per capita) of the national debt. Cash would be preferable.

    Mmmm… I dunno ’bout that one.

    If they take their share of the debt, they’re gonna want to keep their share of the military’s assets.  If the US wants to keep the bases located in California, it’ll probably have to eat California’s share of the debt.

    • #14
  15. Misthiocracy, Joke Pending Member
    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending
    @Misthiocracy

    Valiuth (View Comment):

    As ridiculous as Texas secession.

     

    There is a plausible hypothetical scenario for Texas secession, but depends on a long and detailed set of unlikely circumstances happening first, and I’m too lazy to write that post right now.  It’s also the only plausible hypothetical scenario I see for a “second civil war”.

    But trust me, it’s pretty brilliant, if I do say so myself.

    • #15
  16. Richard Finlay Inactive
    Richard Finlay
    @RichardFinlay

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    Kozak (View Comment):

    dnewlander (View Comment):

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    If California secedes, does that mean they no longer get to dictate automobile safety and/or emissions standards for the rest of the continent?

    Yes, and when they take their 55 electoral votes and go home, they also take their “This contains a substance known by the State of California to be totally terrible” labels, too.

    Oh and their “fair share” (per capita) of the national debt. Cash would be preferable.

    Mmmm… I dunno ’bout that one.

    If they take their share of the debt, they’re gonna want to keep their share of the military’s assets. If the US wants to keep the bases located in California, it’ll probably have to eat California’s share of the debt.

    We could move Guantanamo to San Diego.  (Is it all part of Obama’s plan to close Guantanamo?)  And when California is independent, it will soon be as poor as Cuba.  It all works.

    • #16
  17. Richard Easton Coolidge
    Richard Easton
    @RichardEaston

    Four score and seven years ago, we started Jerry Brown’s train to nowhere.

    • #17
  18. dajoho Member
    dajoho
    @dajoho

    So……..like ya’ know what really inhales?  During the course of Human Events there was a freakin’ truth that was not self evident dude.  This place has morphed like a backward butterfly from beauty to a sluggy turd-like blob waiting to die man.  Like what happened to all our cheddar?  Someone drained the pool dude, we have no food, like nuthin’ to offer, no one will trade with us, and our  state is gettin’ crowded, I mean nutztobutz man, zero safe spaces anywhere man.  I totally don’t even know what to call anyone dude, we are a bunch of androgynous zombies sharing the john.  Even the dope dealers, like won’t share anymore now that the Mexican cartel are are runnin’ things.  Those crazy bastards, dude, will freakin’ kill you man for a look.  And don’t even get hurt, you will die at the hospital waiting for treatment – if you can call it that, damn band-aids and aspirin.  Ya know what is really harshing my mellow?   That wall Drumpf put up from the Rio to Washington state man along the People’s Republic of Kalifornya and we can’t get out.  I thought this would be great, we’d all share, hold hands, sing Kumbaya, maybe burn one, but this ain’t great man, this sucks dude.  

    • #18
  19. Gary McVey Contributor
    Gary McVey
    @GaryMcVey

    Laugh it up, fuzzballs. While you characters are deciding whether or not to make a big trip to the local Piggly Wiggly in 115 degree heat and 100% humidity, I’ll be enjoying a fine cheap local wine in the fine breezes off Santa Monica. Oh yeah, I forgot your big advantage: you can buy an unlimited number of handguns a day! Yeah, that’s a strong lure.

    • #19
  20. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    OMG this is like totally the funniest thing I’ve read, like, ever!  Wonderful!

    • #20
  21. Victor Tango Kilo Member
    Victor Tango Kilo
    @VtheK

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):
    There is a plausible hypothetical scenario for Texas secession, but depends on a long and detailed set of unlikely circumstances happening first

    IMHO, the most plausible scenario for national dissolution is the country collapses under its debt. The FedGov can’t pay the bills to keep the empire running anymore. States break off into new regional entities. 
     

    • #21
  22. Eridemus Coolidge
    Eridemus
    @Eridemus

    And they will have an annual Nov. 8 “scream night” to commemorate the original one held to resist Trump and maybe even set their independence day for Nov. 8, the day the rest of us continue to hold presidential elections. Their flag will be the white peace sign on a blue background.

    But the best part will be when they offer more hills and underpasses for the encampment of the hostile red nation’s fleeing homeless, man.

    • #22
  23. RyanFalcone Member
    RyanFalcone
    @RyanFalcone

    I wish this could happen. The next day, the vast majority of the state would leave California, leaving the nation nothing but a small sliver along the coast and possibly a stretch into Sactown. Most of northern Cali and the inlanders would be the happiest of all of us to be rid of the leftist morons in their midst.

    • #23
  24. Hang On Member
    Hang On
    @HangOn

    RyanFalcone (View Comment):
    I wish this could happen. The next day, the vast majority of the state would leave California, leaving the nation nothing but a small sliver along the coast and possibly a stretch into Sactown.

    More illegal aliens!

    • #24
  25. Hang On Member
    Hang On
    @HangOn

    I have a much better idea and one the greenies would love. Require that in 10 years California revert to desert. No movement of water between water basins. Let it dry up and blow away.

    • #25
  26. Roderic Fabian Coolidge
    Roderic Fabian
    @rhfabian

    I should hope that they are all learning to speak Spanish if it’s not already their primary language.  And learning the Latin-American style of government would probably be in order as well.

    And they can replace Trump’s wall with tall walls around all of their casas.

    • #26
  27. Mark Wilson Inactive
    Mark Wilson
    @MarkWilson

    Josh Farnsworth (View Comment):

    A real Cali declaration would include directions using the definite article (Drmpf can take the 10 straight to Arizona) and would restrict any further geographic expansion of In’N’Out Burger.

    The definite articles thing is only southern California.  The verbal tic of northern California is “hella”.

    • #27
  28. TedRudolph Inactive
    TedRudolph
    @TedRudolph

    First of all…. that Declaration is totally tubular.  (Do the kids still say “tubular”?)

    As much as I’d love to see the California attitude leave the Republic AND as much as I’d love to see yet another Bad Example of Progressive Rule in the history books (although it’s doubtful current teachers would actually “teach” it”)… there’s a problem.

    Once Cali goes “full Venezuela” there will be calls to return to the US. And we’d be foolish to say “No” to the resources that land holds…

    But the cost to rebuild the mess would make East Germany look like a bargain.

     

    • #28
  29. Valiuth Member
    Valiuth
    @Valiuth

    Misthiocracy, Joke Pending (View Comment):

    Valiuth (View Comment):

    As ridiculous as Texas secession.

     

    There is a plausible hypothetical scenario for Texas secession, but depends on a long and detailed set of unlikely circumstances happening first, and I’m too lazy to write that post right now. It’s also the only plausible hypothetical scenario I see for a “second civil war”.

    But trust me, it’s pretty brilliant, if I do say so myself.

    Well now you have to share. I love complicated and improbable scenarios. 

    • #29
  30. CarolJoy Coolidge
    CarolJoy
    @CarolJoy

    Richard Easton (View Comment):

    Four score and seven years ago, we started Jerry Brown’s train to nowhere.

    And sadly, on to nowhere that train still rolls.

    I think a lot of the hatred for Brown is a result of the fact that he does so many things that when done by anyone but him, are just so kuhl.

    He is deeply in bed via his personal buddy system with the fracking outfits and their profitable business. If this was happening under a “R” governor, then Greenpeace-niks, Sierra Club, and many of us who would like to have some drinking water ten years from now would all be squawking like crazy. But Brown handling the enabling of fracking  means it is ignored.

     

    • #30
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