Introverted Impressions

 

(Note: The following is a recent entry I posted on the blog portion of my website, but one with which I suspect many people will empathize.)

“The more, the merrier.”
“I love big crowds.”
“Bring as many people as you like.”
“It’s too quiet in here.”
“I’m afraid to be alone.”

These are phrases that, should they ever escape my lips, would be a sign that I’ve had another stroke. Oh, it’s not that I dislike most folks, or that I’m entirely anti-social or misanthropic. Well, okay, so I am misanthropic, but not 100 percent of the time. But we are called upon to play our roles in life, and some of them do indeed bring a great deal of pleasure, yes?

In her book, “Quiet; The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”, author Susan Cain described a particular Harvard psychology lecturer as a gregarious personality, with a booming voice and an endearing spirit. “He’s been described as a cross between Robin Williams and Albert Einstein,” she writes, “and when he makes a joke that pleases his audience, which happens a lot, he looks even more delighted than they do.” As you might imagine, his classes frequently conclude with a standing ovation.

Then, Susan Cain tells us about a gentleman who lives in a home secluded on two acres of Canadian woods, with his wife. His children and grandchildren come to visit, but he generally keeps to himself and occupies his spare time with reading, writing books and articles and correspondence, or scoring music. “At parties, he pairs off into quiet conversations as soon as he can or excuse himself ‘for a breath of fresh air.'” If compelled to spend too much time either socializing or finds himself in a protracted conflict, he might become physically ill.

The author then goes on to make the rather striking revelation that the affable, unreserved Harvard speaker and the introvert living in virtual seclusion with his wife are in fact the same person. As the philosopher and psychologist William James (whom Cain quotes) observed, “A man has as many social selves as there are distinct groups of people about whose opinion he cares.”

Precisely so. I’ve been asked to speak before audiences of well over 500 people and loved every minute of the experience. As a Contributor on Ricochet.com, I’ve had the pleasure of traveling across the country and spending time in the company of people that Rush Limbaugh quite rightly described as “the smartest people in the room.” I savor every moment of these experiences (and look forward to many more) and wouldn’t trade the friendships that have resulted for anything.

“Well then, Mr. Curmudgeon, if these were such rapturously happy experiences, where is the revulsion and your infernal introversion?” you might reasonably ask. The answer is two-fold, the first being the inescapable fact that no matter how much I loved the interaction, each of these very happy events drained every ounce of energy I had and required significant downtime to recharge. The second answer being that ones endurance very definitely depends on the company one keeps. A room full of thoughtful conversationalists is infinitely easier on the spirit than a rambunctious gaggle of dullards.

Extroverts, I am told, recharge the internal batteries, so to speak, via human interaction. Crowds, conversation and the accompanying social excitement tend to energize them. Introverts, who make up a minority in western culture, experience the exact opposite. And here I emphasize the cultural aspect of the spectrum to highlight the point that a great many Asian cultures tend more toward introversion. My own experience teaching English while stationed in Korea underscores this point. As a software engineer from China explained to Ms. Cain, “In China, if you’re quiet, you’re seen as being wise. It’s completely different here.” Thus does the software engineer provide the understatement of century.

“You have to remember, honey,” my mother reminded me recently, “you spent many years traveling and living by yourself in an 18-wheeler.” Very true, and that was coming off the heels of a career as a military historian; a career — I should add — in which I worked in a one-person office for over 16 years reading, researching, writing upwards of 40 volumes of history books, preparing and giving speeches, etc. More human interaction wasn’t exactly something I craved, my thoughts and studies providing more than sufficient kindling for the spirit.

Along the way, however, an odd thing happened. Or perhaps it isn’t odd. I can’t be sure. For you see, not only did I not miss the interactions that so many people crave. I became even more reclusive! The conversations I heard in the chow hall, for example, would invariably send me racing back to the office to sink the mind into something substantive. This trend picked up even more speed by the time I was an over the road trucker, so that in short order I was taking most of my meals in the truck rather than in the truck stop restaurants.

I had assumed that other professional drivers had chosen life on the road to escape mundane things. And perhaps they had, but either way it seemed that at the end of the day most drivers needed to talk, and talk loudly, squeezing a great deal of words into precious little thought, and saying it repeatedly, and did I mention they needed to talk? Talk about life or about death if you wish, or about why you believe or don’t believe in the hereafter, or what you want for your kids, or about anything that carries some importance or transcendence. But if you drone on for half an hour about which truck stop has the best chicken fried steak, or who has the best buffet, or the finer points of baked beans, I’ll be silently praying that a meteor will fall through the roof and relieve one or both of us from this conversation. Life is short, and we are allotted a finite number of heartbeats. Let’s not waste them on tediousness.

Life on the road was as close as I’ll ever come to a monastic existence. Listening to audio books while I drove, I would dive into writing columns most evenings, or correspond with folks from Ricochet over policy, or culture, or history, or veterans issues, or book ideas and so much more. And I was steadfast in my opinion that it would take something or someone exceptional to bring me out of this life in a show truck and back into the wider world.

And indeed, she came along, sweetening life and opening possibilities to a heart that had become a fortress. And fortunately, my lovely, gracious, and happily extroverted Shelley understands (or at least makes allowance for) the introvert in her life. For at the end of the day, when the dinner guests have gone home, after I’ve taken some time back in my study to decompress from the hectic pace of events, her lovely smile and warm heart remind me of that which is eternally important, and I remember that there is more to life than solitude and that happiness can also be found in the company of the right person.

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  1. George Townsend Inactive
    George Townsend
    @GeorgeTownsend

    What a delightful piece, Dave. Especially that last sentence. Unfortunately, I never did find that right person. I do a have a Dear Friend, who I met at work some fifteen or so years ago. She has a family, and is on the go all the time. She is much younger than me, and I’ve told her, and others, that if I was ever married and had a daughter, I’d want  her to be just like her! I believe we share many traits in common, meaning what is really important in life. The biggest problem is that she is such an extrovert. She loves people. I tolerate people. I love to have lunch with her, for example. I love her company. But she always wants to invite someone else – unless she is treating me for my birthday.

    I am not sure, Dave, if I am  quite the introvert you are. There are times I just long to be able to talk to someone. However, as with you, it really should not be small talk. I don’t excel at that at all.

    The book you put a link to sounds interesting. If I didn’t have so many other books I shamelessly don’t seem to get to, I’d be tempted to pick it up.

    Thanks for the column, Dave. Another winner!

    • #1
  2. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Dave Carter: But if you drone on for half an hour about which truck stop has the best chicken fried steak, or who has the best buffet, or the finer points of baked beans, I’ll be silently praying that a meteor will fall through the roof and relieve one or both of us from this conversation. Life is short, and we are allotted a finite number of heartbeats. Let’s not waste them on tediousness.

    I can see several sides to this. I would be at least interested enough to hear suggestions, since it might be useful some day. If I had an opinion, I’d probably contest their differing views.

    On the other hand, it isn’t like I’ve come across a bad instance of any of those things, so arguing which is best is not necessary.

    On the gripping hand, I could stand a good argument about chicken fried steak right now. Better than a lot of stuff happening at the moment.

    • #2
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    A happy … not an ending, but a beginning.

    At the very least, you’re not wolfing down cans of beanie-weenies back behind a Road Ranger.

    • #3
  4. Pony Convertible Inactive
    Pony Convertible
    @PonyConvertible

    I too am an introvert. Social gatherings drain me.  I enjoy them, but it takes my energy away. A day in my shop with myself is a good day.

    I consider myself lucky. If you are happy when you are alone, you are happy most of the time.

    • #4
  5. AltarGirl Inactive
    AltarGirl
    @CM

    Pony Convertible (View Comment):
    I too am an introvert. Social gatherings drain me. I enjoy them, but it takes my energy away. A day in my shop with myself is a good day.

    I consider myself lucky. If you are happy when you are alone, you are happy most of the time.

    Ha ha. Unless you are “mom”.

    I have spent a long time convincing extroverts that introverts are not anti-social. My husband and father are both extroverts and anti-social – they fill their social needs by feeding off children and spouses.

    My mother and I are social introverts. We’d like to make more friends, but we are too exhausted after satisfying our husbands’ and childrens’ social needs.

    • #5
  6. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    AltarGirl (View Comment):
    We’d like to make more friends

    So would I but most of the people that I meet locally I dislike. That’s why I recommend Ricochet meetups.

    • #6
  7. Dave Carter Podcaster
    Dave Carter
    @DaveCarter

    George Townsend (View Comment):
    What a delightful piece, Dave. Especially that last sentence. Unfortunately, I never did find that right person. I do a have a Dear Friend, who I met at work some fifteen or so years ago. She has a family, and is on the go all the time. She is much younger than me, and I’ve told her, and others, that if I was ever married and had a daughter, I’d want her to be just like her! I believe we share many traits in common, meaning what is really important in life. The biggest problem is that she is such an extrovert. She loves people. I tolerate people. I love to have lunch with her, for example. I love her company. But she always wants to invite someone else – unless she is treating me for my birthday.

    I am not sure, Dave, if I am quite the introvert you are. There are times I just long to be able to talk to someone. However, as with you, it really should not be small talk. I don’t excel at that at all.

    The book you put a link to sounds interesting. If I didn’t have so many other books I shamelessly don’t seem to get to, I’d be tempted to pick it up.

    Thanks for the column, Dave. Another winner!

    Thanks George. I think all introverts should get together and visit some time. For about 30 minutes. And then go home. Whadaya think?

    • #7
  8. Dave Carter Podcaster
    Dave Carter
    @DaveCarter

    Percival (View Comment):
    A happy … not an ending, but a beginning.

    At the very least, you’re not wolfing down cans of beanie-weenies back behind a Road Ranger.

    Ah, you remember that one, eh? Good times.

    • #8
  9. Dave Carter Podcaster
    Dave Carter
    @DaveCarter

    Pony Convertible (View Comment):
    I too am an introvert. Social gatherings drain me. I enjoy them, but it takes my energy away. A day in my shop with myself is a good day.

    I consider myself lucky. If you are happy when you are alone, you are happy most of the time.

    Exactly!

    • #9
  10. Dave Carter Podcaster
    Dave Carter
    @DaveCarter

    AltarGirl (View Comment):

    Pony Convertible (View Comment):
    I too am an introvert. Social gatherings drain me. I enjoy them, but it takes my energy away. A day in my shop with myself is a good day.

    I consider myself lucky. If you are happy when you are alone, you are happy most of the time.

    Ha ha. Unless you are “mom”.

    I have spent a long time convincing extroverts that introverts are not anti-social. My husband and father are both extroverts and anti-social – they fill their social needs by feeding off children and spouses.

    My mother and I are social introverts. We’d like to make more friends, but we are too exhausted after satisfying our husbands’ and childrens’ social needs.

    I understand completely. Wish I had a painless answer too.

    • #10
  11. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    The type of people you are at a party with makes all the difference.  Being at a science fiction convention or a Ricochet meetup is awesome.  Being at a party where the women have all gathered in one group to talk about babies and the men have all gathered to talk about fishing, sports, and how drunk they’ve been makes me wish I’d just stayed home with a book.  I’m sure most non-Ricochet people feel the same about me, because I’m practically never incited to parties.

    • #11
  12. Dave Carter Podcaster
    Dave Carter
    @DaveCarter

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):
    The type of people you are at a party with makes all the difference. Being at a science fiction convention or a Ricochet meetup is awesome. Being at a party where the women have all gathered in one group to talk about babies and the men have all gathered to talk about fishing, sports, and how drunk they’ve been makes me wish I’d just stayed home with a book. I’m sure most non-Ricochet people feel the same about me, because I’m practically never incited to parties.

    And there we have it. Perfectly expressed. After an evening with Ricochet people, yes I’m tired, but I’m also ecstatic. After an evening, or a day, or a day and an evening, with a great many other folks, I’m ready to drive a railroad spike through my ears. Yup,…that about sums it up.

    • #12
  13. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    Oops, I meant to say invited to parties, not incited to parties.

    • #13
  14. Dave Carter Podcaster
    Dave Carter
    @DaveCarter

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):
    Oops, I meant to say invited to parties, not incited to parties.

    Eh. Tomato, Tomaahto….

    • #14
  15. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):
    Oops, I meant to say invited to parties, not incited to parties.

    I liked it the first way.

    • #15
  16. George Townsend Inactive
    George Townsend
    @GeorgeTownsend

    Dave Carter (View Comment):

    George Townsend (View Comment):
    What a delightful piece, Dave. Especially that last sentence. Unfortunately, I never did find that right person. I do a have a Dear Friend, who I met at work some fifteen or so years ago. She has a family, and is on the go all the time. She is much younger than me, and I’ve told her, and others, that if I was ever married and had a daughter, I’d want her to be just like her! I believe we share many traits in common, meaning what is really important in life. The biggest problem is that she is such an extrovert. She loves people. I tolerate people. I love to have lunch with her, for example. I love her company. But she always wants to invite someone else – unless she is treating me for my birthday.

    I am not sure, Dave, if I am quite the introvert you are. There are times I just long to be able to talk to someone. However, as with you, it really should not be small talk. I don’t excel at that at all.

    The book you put a link to sounds interesting. If I didn’t have so many other books I shamelessly don’t seem to get to, I’d be tempted to pick it up.

    Thanks for the column, Dave. Another winner!

    Thanks George. I think all introverts should get together and visit some time. For about 30 minutes. And then go home. Whadaya think?

    Sounds pretty good. Although I always play it by ear. Maybe 20 minutes would work better for some visits. Depends! ;-)

    I like your new picture, by the way!

    • #16
  17. Mike LaRoche Inactive
    Mike LaRoche
    @MikeLaRoche

    Dave Carter (View Comment):
    After an evening, or a day, or a day and an evening, with a great many other folks, I’m ready to drive a railroad spike through my ears. Yup,…that about sums it up.

    I know the feeling well.

    • #17
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